Not sure of what to do now

[Proverbs31:28]

I am so deep in this depression right now that all I see is darkness. I have been this deep before and always ended up hospitalized because I either attempted suicide or someone believed I was suicidal, called 911 and got me admitted. Its always been a huge feeling of loss of control for me which makes me very sour on going inpatient, though, as a general rule, I did have a safe place to get stable. I did agree to an admission about 18 months ago and did not feel the loss of control but still resented the admission since it meant I couldn't deal with things on my own.

If I am honest with myself, I probably should be inpatient, but I am extremely resistant. It seems like such a failure to need inpatient help, yet again. Plus, I am so distructful of doctors right now and have lots of negative thoughts about the people in my life who are supposed to be "helping" me so I am not sure I would even benefit anyway.

My pdoc told me at my last appt that I should call his office if I felt this way again. But, the problem is that a recent event has caused me to be fearful of him, as well. I now feel like I don't have a doctor in my corner. If I call him I am pretty certain he will recommend IP but I am not sure anymore that I trust his recommendations.

[Lizzy]

I understand the reluctance to admit you can't do it on your own, but it's okay to need others. I know it's hard to - it's painful, really, but it can't be changed - we all need help from others from time to time.

It sounds like you already have an idea of what you need to do to help yourself. Don't let this self-doubt stop you from getting the help you need. I know it's hard to trust doctors sometimes, but they do want to help us.

[Dee1963]

You are not a failure for needing help. Depression is not a simple thing. It's not simply that you can't "think" or "feel" yourself better, there are chemical imbalances too. It's like trying to "think" the plaque out of arteries in your heart. Yes, there are techniques that can help, but there is more to it. I know people who live with depression, they have told me about the vicious cycle that you are in right now. The brain can be a cruel organ, the worse we feel, the more it releases the wrong chemicals into us. You'd think the reverse would be the way the brain should work, wouldn't you?

Yes, you have depression and I have episodic hypertension. When I am having an acute episode, everything in my body is out of whack. I can't think properly, my body won't do anything, all I feel like doing is going to bed and never getting up again because I am just so tired. We both have things that don't quite work right, but neither makes us failures as people because we need help with them.

Please call someone and let them know that things are out of balance again and you need help getting back to being balanced. This is a health problem, not a thinking problem.

Please let us know how things are going. I will keep you in my thoughts.

[nightfalls]

Hi lifeless,

I would say if you feel this low then mabe the IP is your best option. Did it help at all the last time or any of the times before? If it did at all even in the smallest amount then mabe it is worth considering.. I think that if your pdoc does recommend the IP he if fighting for you in your corner to HELP YOU not anything else. If it at least gives you a safe place to be then it is in your best intrest to be at the hospital...I hope you will get a appt. with your PDOC soon and get help...TAKE CARE.

[kaudio]

Hi lifeless, it's good to see you. Remember Natalie's advice and try to see beyond your distrust and doubt of other doctors/therapists. Give the people who wish to support you a chance and give their recommendations some credence. I don't know your circumstances, but it seems like you're not yet sure if inpatient care is the recommended course of action. Even if it turns out that you are right about inpatient care, the purpose of such care is to bring you to a position such that you can manage more on your own.

[Proverbs31:28]

I so don't want to need further IP care. i have been IP 4 times in the past 4 years (once was unwarranted but they believed my sercretary over me and committed me) and I can't help but feel like if its not better, yet, this is as good as it is going to get. maybe i should focus my energies on learning to live like this. but, honestly, i don't think i can live like this. i seriously have NO joy in my life right now. i can think of NO reason to wake up each day other than for my kids but right now i am doing so little for them it doesn't really matter, anyway. if i thought i could get in and out without anyone knowing, i might go. but the average stay is 7-9 days and there is just no way to hide that. i just don't want to be that person who gets admitted "again."

[Dee1963]

Hi Lifeless,

You are in a hard position. I feel for you, I really do. In our town, since it's so small there is a three day IP at our hospital, unless they are suicidal, then they are flown to a much larger town with facilities. Are you on any medications? Might you need to talk to your doctor to see about adjusting the dose or trying a different med? Just throwing out thoughts here.

Perhaps refocusing could help a bit. Was there anything in the past that you just did for you? Painting, writing, listening to music, reading, gardening, anything? Do you think it might help to take some "me" time to do something you used to enjoy?

[Mark]

May I be so bold as to quote the serenity prayer from AA to you? The thing that makes these words valuable is the last line.

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Recognizing our limitations and making choices so that we stay within them often makes for a more tolerable life. I'm not talking about restricting opportunities for growth, to be sure. I'm talking about hard limits on what we can do that we cannot easily change, like if we have diabetes we need to eat a healthy diet and avoid refined sugars or risk serious heath complications.

If you know you'd be better off Inpatient, but aren't going because you don't want to be the person who needs it, that is understandable fully, but also not wise as it represents a denial of what is best for you in the moment.

You don't want to be the person who needs inpatient, but do you want to be the person who needs inpatient but refuses to go out of embarrassment? From which position can you have more self-respect, ultimately?

Mark

[nightfalls]

Hi lifeless

I'm sending you a smile:) and hoping that you are doing ok.

I wanted to point out that I think that it is a very strong thing to do to go to IP when you need it to help you. I hope you will not get embarresed because I think you are strong in idenifying that you may need this. It does not say anything bad about a person who was IP however many times. I think it shows your strength to know what you need and to get it!

take care

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Lifeless,

I am sending you a smile to join the one that Forgeting sent to you: I have known many people who have been through Inpatient many times. And, you know what? Sometimes one little change during an Inpatient change makes all the difference and a person comes out feeling much better. Never give up.

Allan

[Proverbs31:28]

Thank you all so much.

I am still struggling but I am trying to fight my way through.

I am going to start back with therapy (a friend who is an LCSW is helping me find somebody) and I am going to stay with a friend while my kids are away at camp. I figure it will keep me distracted and safe for that week.

Mark, I have always found the Serenity Prayer helpful but sometimes, when it is really dark in your life, you forget those things!

[Pixeydust]

I am so deep in this depression right now that all I see is darkness. I have been this deep before and always ended up hospitalized because I either attempted suicide or someone believed I was suicidal, called 911 and got me admitted. Its always been a huge feeling of loss of control for me which makes me very sour on going inpatient, though, as a general rule, I did have a safe place to get stable. I did agree to an admission about 18 months ago and did not feel the loss of control but still resented the admission since it meant I couldn't deal with things on my own.

If I am honest with myself, I probably should be inpatient, but I am extremely resistant. It seems like such a failure to need inpatient help, yet again. Plus, I am so distructful of doctors right now and have lots of negative thoughts about the people in my life who are supposed to be "helping" me so I am not sure I would even benefit anyway.

My pdoc told me at my last appt that I should call his office if I felt this way again. But, the problem is that a recent event has caused me to be fearful of him, as well. I now feel like I don't have a doctor in my corner. If I call him I am pretty certain he will recommend IP but I am not sure anymore that I trust his recommendations.

These people that are trying to "help" you as you put it....are doing their best. They don't understand what you are going through and they are doing what they can, but it seems that you really aren't talking with them and you are trying to do it all on your own. Heed your words "you couldn't deal with things on my own". Something like this you cannot deal with on your own. Also you say that "I have been this deep before and always ended up hospitalized because I either attempted suicide or someone believed I was suicidal, called 911 and got me admitted." Didn't they have reason to believe that you were suicidal...you yourself gave them that reason...Hence "I either attempted" so apparentely you did attempt to do so, I'd believe the same as they do\did. If anything being an impatient and\or talking to family and\or friends is where your stableness is, not depending on yourself. You have taken the first step in helping yourself right here....admitting you need help. You are not a failure to need help in any manner, even as an inpatient and are you distructful or resentul of doctors? The doctors are there to help you...that is what they are paid to do....but you need to find one that really cares to, those are the ones that will be able to help you the most, you will be able to get to know them on a more personnal level and they will be able to help you more as you will be able to talk to them more easily. If your last docor gave you reason not to trust him, it's time to find another doctor and I wouldn't trust him either. If you need any other help or have any other questions feel free to let me know. I have been depressed as well lately, it will help for you to get out and socialize with friends and\or family members, if you have a lake nearby go to the lake, I did that the other day and I enjoyed that immensely. Get back into any old hobbies you may have had. Get into sports, etc. This type of thing helps out alot, don't stayed holed up at home feeling sorry for yourself, give yourself something else to think about other than the depression. You'll feel better...I do.