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Too much loss..


mabear
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Hi,

I guess things are coming to a head for me with the losses that have come thru in the last year. Sunday i had a long discussion with my partner. She is upset because she feels I am pushing her away and don't need her. I guess she is right. I have been trying to be so independent ( to the point of not sharing my symptoms with her). After thinking and talking, I guess what has come to me is that with the losses over the last year, I don't really want to connect with anything or anyone to protect myself and bury my emotions. Right now seems easier than all the pain. Last June, I asked my parents if we could talk about things and clear the air so to speak. Maybe develop a better relationship. Thier response was to tell me that I had been the worst child they had ever known and had gone against everything that had taught me and that until I changed my ways they no longer wanted anything to do with me. That will never happen since I can't change who I am and being a lesbian. The ripple effect was that all the rest of my family disowned me as well, so now I am alone. Friend died first of December, my adopted mom died 2 days before christmas, another friend died suddenly of an anorism, and another has cancer. Its seems like my support system is gone and I am all alone. My partner says that is why she doesn't have friends because she does not want to feel the loss pain.

What do I do - I feel so lost, but don't want to reach out. My depresssion is from the losses, and the feeling of being so alone makes me feel like who the hell cares about the future now. UGH.. Help

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Ma,

Can I tell you first that your parents are full of shit if they think less of you for who you love? Too late, I did it anyway.

Maybe with that out of the way, you'd be able to cope with the rest. Because you didn't lose your support system, like you said, you're pushing it away. Your partner, us. Other new supporters who are out there waiting to be found. It's not an easy decision, no. It's hard to keep trying. But if you don't give up, the rest of us won't.

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How do you reach out when you feel like it is such a huge risk? I'm not giving up and I am reaching out here, but my insides tell me to become dependent on noone and protect myself. Which essentially cuts others out. I don't want this to come between me and my partner, we have had a loving relationship for over 6 years. Reaching out has become scary - how do you get past that?

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I'm still working on it myself. :-)

Does it help to ask yourself whether it works? Don't you get hurt no matter how far you keep yourself from people? Isn't it a myth that you can, in fact, avoid "the risks"?

It seems to me that under those circumstances, you might as well get the good things that come with relationships ...

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Hi mabear,

From my experience, it seems to me that some of my defenses are part of the problem and some are part of the solution, and I then I have to always ask myself-- do I really need this limp, do I really need to hobble around or is this limp causing me a new set of aches and pains and causing the original injury to remain unhealed and scarred?

I've talked some about my trauma here and at times it's so painful I stop writing and then come back later to finish--- and then there have been times I'll go back and delete a post b/c I felt too naked and vulnerable. These traumas are like mortal wounds that I don't really notice until I begin to unbandage them, at which point the pain becomes unbearable. And, so... I quickly pull away (as I have hear on occasion b/c the memories cut too deep) and in doing so, I end up running from those who help me remove the bandages as opposed to from those who caused the injury that put them there in the first place.

So, you'll have to ask yourself, as you have... can I face the world w/o the limp and w/o needing to hobble along nursing my wounds or can I step out today, for this 1 minute or 10 minutes, or hour, or 2 hours, or even one day? I know what's too expensive for me, and the most expensive thing is having to cradle and carry around a 200 pound suit or armor!

A heart imprisoned by pain also stifles life!

Edited by David O
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David O.

I do not your story, but clearly it is significant. I have been thinking about the defense mechanisms you mentioned. I guess maybe it is the wound that still needs to be healed, but it is getting past the defenses in order to do it.

Edited by mabear
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mabear, you have suffered a lot. And, a serious wound needs to heal. I have no words to remove the pain; just as others had no such words for me at my time of pain. A verb is anything that signifies: to be, to do, to suffer; I signify all three. That must be lived through.

There is something: the old line by Goethe: "Whatever does not kill me, makes me stronger".

What that means to me is this: I have experienced the worst that a mortal man can suffer; yet I live. I have nothing to fear. A little pain? A little hurt? Minor aggro. Small consolation to you, perhaps.

Another is to leave the world of necessity; a world in which 'fate knocks on the door'.

And, to join the world of choice/freedom. "In this life, one is either the hammer or the anvil." Strive to be the hammer.

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I have a really difficult time with grief myself. Each loss...even when not a death...takes me well over a year to move through. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to experience multiple losses over a short period of time. :(

But for all of the pain that you have endured, would you want to trade away the joy you experienced in loving and caring for the people you have lost? I like to think that every person I have loved and lost is a part of my heart. It sounds corny, I know, but I believe it to be true. Little pieces of joy and memories stay with us. Love is enduring and remains alive through grief, I think. And in your relationships you had experiences that helped to shape the person you are today. It must be hard trying to think about those positive things when you are in such deep pain. But little by little, the pain will ease and the love will stay as strong as ever. It will be easier one day to fondly remember that person and the joy you felt for them being in your life.

We only have one chance to live our lives. Try not to let your fear of what tomorrow might bring steal your potential joy of living today. Taking risks keeps us alive and gives us hope, I think.

I'm very sorry to hear about the response of your family members to your sexual orientation. You deserve to be loved and accepted for the person that you are. I think everyone deserves that.

I doubt any of this will offer you much solace, but I think it's great that you're trying to reach out. I'm very sorry for your pain.:o Take care.

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