Therapy? What's If It Bad?

[Guest GingerSnap]

OK, my husband saw someone a couple times and I heard the tape so I darn well know what went on and how it went down. I have read through a few other sites on mental health issues and I just got to wonder, what if the therapy is truly bad? By bad I mean, not meeting your needs? You are saying, this isn't what I am here for, I don't know what you are talking about but because of the therapist/patient relationship and the fact that many people seeking therapy aren't assertive in the first place, those statements are never vocalized and you just bear it? I also got the distinct feelings that, while I understand the focus of the therapy is the patient, that they just write off everyone else in the patient's life as just being contraband. I was shocked at some of the statements made, most of the statements made and I found the pandering tone of the therapist insulting. Now my husband is not the only example that I have. Now, it is just typical for people to ignore others, try getting your hair cut and having someone actually listen to what you want but when it comes to mental health, well, I guess it is no better than the medical care that is available now. Same solution, write you a prescription and if that doesn't work, write you another prescription! So, as with medical care, we have returned to the old ways, nature's way, God's way and shall do the same with mental health - figure we got a better shot at that. I know that their are people good in every field but finding them anymore is next to impossible. The power of the almighty dollar doesn't necessarily bring good mental or physical health.

[confuzzed]

Hey GingerSnap

I think you're very correct - there are good and bad therapists. Does your husband think his therapist is doing a good job? Maybe he doesn't think so either. If that's the case then perhaps both of you can work together to find him another one. And you're right, it will take some searching.

Good luck and don't completely give up - if help is needed you can find it.

[mscat]

Hi Gingersnap, What I gathered from your post isthat the session was taped, and your husband has a copy of it ? Did the therapist give it to him? Just curious?

You are right in regards to therapists, or anybody working in a professional field. Not only a professional field for that matter, it happens everywhere.

Please do not be discouraged. Their are very good therapists, psychologists, LSW's , LMFC's, Psychotherapists, Trauma therapsits, Psyhchtrists too. It may take time to find the right fit for your husband though. It can be frustrating, although worth it. Sorry this one was a bad experience for him. However, encourage him to try a different therapist. Maybe one who specializes in some of the chalenges your husband is facing. And has experience, knowledge , and understanding. No tall therapists use the same type of treatment , or follow the same guidelines set for their clients . Find one that is truely dedicated and wants to help their clients feel better, and understand them with helpful, positive, feedback from a different perspective .

Their are very good ones out there. Do not be discouraged. Your husband does not have to see a lousy therapist, that is going to not help him . Perhaps referrals from his MD may be benifical to him? He deseves to see a good therapist, not one that will only make things worse.

[goose]

Gingersnap

I know if my husband heard some of the things that were said in my therapy sessions he would not be happy either. But as you say the therapy is focused on the person attending, perhaps 2 sessions is too few to make a judgement on.

I would not be happy for anyone else to listen in on my sessions, the ability to say what you think and feel in confidence is very important, and yes what you say in therapy may be wrong or distorted but that is what the therapy is there for, to challenge your thinking.

I would ask you to give it a chance and maybe trust the therapist to develop a relationship with your husband where they can begin to explore his difficulties and help him address them.

This is only my personal opinion and not a critizism, please don't take it that way.

Goose

Edited August 26, 2009 by goose

[David O]

Goose raises an important issue, one that likely should have surfaced in earlier posts-- I'm wondering if your presence is an issue (whether in the session or just by listening to the tapes afterwards)? Likewise, could your repeated writing on these boards to discuss him and his therapy be counterproductive in any way?

From a personal standpoint, if my spouse, who was justifiably and extremely hurt and angry with my behavior, attended/heard my sessions-- I would be extremely uncomfortable. Likewise, if following each session there would be a critical write up on a public forum regarding the nature of the sessions, what was and wasn't said, and how she felt about the therapist (whether i agreed or not) and my performance-- would I be comfortable? Would this, in reality, be counterproductive and even create raodbloacks to my efforts to get better?

These are important questions that both of you may need to consider. Even if he expresses being OK with this set-up, I'd be highly reluctant to be a part of the process at this level or to write into a forum regarding his therapy.

My wife is comfortable with me knowing anything and everything about her-- I can read her e-mails, all of her correspondence and even attend a session with her: I would, however, be extremely hesitant to do any of these things.

What do you think?

Edited August 26, 2009 by David O

[Guest GingerSnap]

My husband told him what he posted here, the first post: http://community.mentalhelp.net/showthread.php?t=2134 and based on that in the first 10 minutes of the session, he diagnosed, without any testing, that my husband had OCD and some social disorder - he told my husband that it was the one that a large percentage of people in prison have. I am sure my husband was in shock. He told my husband that he must go out to the store once a week and make contact with people - we were full time RVers and moved all over the country and both of us have visited with hundreds of different people and we still have contact with a lot of people both here and across the US. - I was blown away and my husband was really glad he had it on tape(I am listening the second time) because he said he didn't remember really what was said and I am still thinking he would be in shock. That coupled with giving my husband the advice about talking with me every evening as "social contact" - can you imagine being in the same house with me and not having "social contact" - I am exactly like you see before you and the advice to email my older son in Afghanistan and tell him he was sorry for not treating him that well while growing up - he is 32 years old now and has immeasurable responsibility right now and the last thing in the world that he needs is to be concerned that something is wrong at home. Sorry, this guy is nothing but an a**hole major.:eek: I think he just screwed with my husband to try to get a rise out of him but, even I would have been speechless being bombarded this way and I can tell you that I am rarely speechless or did you guess this? This has been an interesting journey and I understand the purpose now, so I am at peace. We have arrived I guess. ***No, he is not troubled by my knowing and sharing information about him, the family or myself - this is something that we agreed had to be told, a "behind closed doors" story. ***Listening to the tape, I forgot he also diagnosed depression. Now, I understand why I was heavily warned not to involve my younger son with the mental health community and to just try to do the best that I could, which I have and it has worked out.

Edited August 26, 2009 by GingerSnap
Finishing Off My Rant

[mscat]

Gingersnap,

I am in total support with you on this one. What a nightmare for your husband to have to had to go through. It is a good thing it was taped, and he trusts you eough for you to hear it as well. I would of been enraged . Turning to a professional for personnal assistance and support only to be treated in that matter, how disappointing, and making things far worse for your husband who is already going through so much . He does not need to feel anymore emotional pain.

Not all therapists are the same however. Thankfully, not as coldhearted as the on your husband went to. What a lousy experience. Is he going to go back ? Or look for a new therapist? I hope this does not discourage him from therapy all together.

Cathy

[Guest GingerSnap]

mscat: Thank you for your response. No, he is not going back to this therapist. It was his idea to tape the session so that he could remember what was said. It was his idea to have me listen to it. We are very open, like the marriage vow said "Two become One" and come from parents where that was the case so we really knew nothing else. We are in the backwoods (extremely limited services) so have decided our best bet is to use other resources (love the self-help book on this website) and do this ourselves. Our younger son had a lot of problems and because of his functioning level, well, he is not considered a "valued" person by some and I used tons of reference materials, herbal medicine and faith in God to solve the issues and it worked and the issues he faced were very serious. So, I have faith that this will be resolved. Thank you again. ***I did want to add that the therapist sort of tried to throw me under the bus implying that I was the cause of something that happened and my husband (although he might throw me under the bus himself sometimes) said "No, that was not her fault." - I don't know if that kind of thing, getting close by throwing everyone but the patient under the bus would work for some people and maybe this crap is a part of some therapeutic idea(s) but it was dangerous, a man that is losing his family goes for help and gets this all dumped on them - what if he came home with that and we, his family, had packed up and left? I did complain to the owner of the service here (and we fired them and the next day got a letter saying my husband's problems were too serious for him to be seen again at their office (probably me, the problem), the therapist said at the end "I never had to worry about being confronted head on by addictive types." - Well, you all out there that subscribe to this thought, watch out for the wives/family. Our first goal will be Assertiveness Training for my husband. Mental health professionals do have a place and benefit many people that need them desperately but if you find that you aren't happy, if you don't feel like going back after once and want to find someone else or try a different approach (I think support groups are really beneficial) do it. I don't think you should be made to feel uncomfortable after all it's your dime they are on. ***Listening again, the EAP told my husband that after his 3 visits, he should go to the VA for mental health care, he told my husband not to mention the fetish to the therapist there but to just talk about Obsessive-Compulsive Behaviors like needing everything to be the same or in order (my husband doesn't have these, I darn well know what it looks like because our son (adopted) has them. So, some how going to mental health to help work out what was going to be happening with the fetish - the problem, was lost and fetish will continue to thrive.

Edited August 28, 2009 by GingerSnap
Another Eye Opener

[mscat]

gingersnap,

I was placed in foster care as a small child. Due to extreme abuse & neglect . I had brothers and we were all separated . Unfortunately I had a foster mother who was extrmemly controlling and verbally, emotionally abusive, sometimes physically. I had to go to counseling at a young age , and from then on, as I grew older things became more difficult for me.

A few of the professionals I talked to , would always place blame on the mother. The mother for causing all the problems the child had . It was all too easy for these professionals to place blame on the woman of the house. Hoever, in my case they were right . My foster mother was abusive , but the first few yrs of my life was too .

My point is that it seems like some of these "bad" therapists still try and look for a person to place blame . Their clients are in emotional pain, they come in for services, the therapist chooses the one person closest to the client in his life, his wife. therefore, it's all your fault? B.S. !!

Group counseling is an excellent choice . People share their own personal experiences and support each other in a safe environment. + they find they are not alone in what they are going through , their is a sense of relief knowing others understand and have gone through simialr experiences .

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Gingersnap and all,

There are some therapists (I do not know how many) who tape sessions with the written permission of the patient and send them home with a copy to listen to during the week in order to give further thought to what was discussed. The use of the tape is supposed to be for patient and therapist only and the tape is supposed to be returned the next week when a new tape is done.

Speaking only for myself as a therapist, I am scepticle about this practice because there are just too many problems it can lead to, as happened for you and your husband.

My hope is that you would not judge all therapists and all therapies by this experience. Self help is good but there are limits and if you feel you need more help then the idea is to find someone with a good reputation and who is fully qualified.

I think you mentioned problems with a younger son? If so, what is the nature of the problem and how is your husband doing these days?

Allan

[Guest GingerSnap]

My younger son, age 23, has Down syndrome and functions at the 3 year old level with very limited verbal skills. The birth mother used alcohol and probably drugs during her pregnancy and the family has mental health problems - schizophrenia with the birthmother in an institutional setting for some of her teen years. He had a lot of behavioral issues (obsessive-compulsive related to ordering his things, everything being constant - it gets out of hand since it takes too much time so I "trim" it back, "that's it, too much stuff or daddy can't do it now so mommy is doing it - I know that with his functioning that this gives him some "control" in his life but it just goes overboard so I "trim" it back) and is stressed every waking minute. He was home-schooled because the school would not quit griping about his behavior and refused to follow the behavioral plans that we had specialists draw up after visiting the school. First they didn't want him to have inclusion and then laws changed and then they insisted on inclusion when he was in high school. They wanted him "medicated" - all of them wanted him "medicated" into submission. Now, he does much better attending a day program 6 hours per day and I use herbs for his allergies and stress and they work without side effects which he would not be able to communicate thereby causing him undue suffering. I know that all my husband's problems come from the fetish which began in his teen years, well before I knew him. I believe any other issues are symptoms of trying to repress or not get his "fix". I am working on some herbal tinctures for him and with self-help plus one, together we will make the choices of where he needs to go with it and how to get there. On taping, it was my husband's tape and if I would not have heard it, my husband would have emailed my older son and upset him in Afghanistan among other things some that I didn't get mentioned. I asked my husband to go and get help to control or something his fetish which results in my abuse so implying that I didn't have any business knowing what was said, well, wrong, wrong, wrong - this could mean life or death to me. Now, I would not feel comfortable having him in the house and working with a therapist - the therapist also said that he was made of clay and would slip again and again and would just have to be forgiven again and again, this was after he told him to tell me he was sorry (I don't believe he is sorry for what he has done yet) I don't think so - he told me once that since he was baptized that whatever he did was automatically forgiven, well, that gave him too much freedom. Thank God I was brought up under the "hell and brimstone" theory. The Dr. Phil book, Life Strategies has helped some although with any help he is sort of like a dog the first time you put a choke chain on them - I love Cesar Milan, The Dog Whisperer - calm and assertive. There is no reason that if my husband decides to turn this around that we can't get it done through self-help plus one; he just has to be ready and willing to do it - I'm staking my life on it.

Edited August 29, 2009 by GingerSnap