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October is a good time to..(very trigger)


mscat
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I have a secret , a form of SI that sometimes I engage in every yr. takes planning and fore thought, at the same time their is this pressure urges going on all the time constantly , swirling around , and the thoughts heading back to serious harm to onself. It is what the therapist calls torture. Not the typical SI . WHy ? do not know, just know it is there, and the numbing that goes with it, and what is used to gain control over ones self, ones inner evil demons, and hatred.

I've written why not SI the last thread, now it is much like a "suicide" plan, however without the intent to die. Just the whole process in the manner of preparation. Maybe it is the complete control, and then the total lack of control when it finally happens . However, the relief it brings is worth it, although not for the weak, or those who lack mercy upon themselves to ever try it .

Many would rather just take on others, their anger, frustations, and hate. I choose to put myself out there, on the line, rather then sacrifice anther living human , take it all . be the bearer of evil , of my own inner demaons that have haunted me and terrorized my inner soul forever. It is a matter of survival , and this is the only way I know how to cope with the inner pain that lives within, which always builds up to the point of exploding .

Most choose to believe it is a morbid way to get the evil out and to cleanse the inner self out, and to fous on certain parts to turn blackend , and burnt the darkend flesh away , as to where there is the extreme entense pain for minutes as if on fire, however NOT > The equivalint to it though, and to be conscience through all of it.

For those to not believe it , I don't care, it is true, its gone on for a while , and the skin graphs , healing take months, so , what? They know me well over there, the burn center, and it is embarassing, yet , at least as long as I say nO it is not for suicide, i'll go home. Go home a mess , and to more scarred up , more surgical repairs , and ugly looking scars that never look self inflicted. No cutting here, just horrific ways of SI, that really no one actually does , unless to die. Only once has it turned to a infection . A bad one that kills, that comes from the hospital. MRSA.

But, it is the risk one takes with major SI. AND truthfully although it may be thought out a little it is not when the actual inicident occurs it is typically in a dissaciotive state of being and in a frantic , impulsive manner. The worst type of SI.

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Hi cathy....

I can understand wot ur saying, but im not sure wot to say, apart from that perhaps u can retain these feelings a little to cause less harm, and to let u know im here if u want to explode into words i will listen, tho like now may not have the words to be able to convey to you. But i do know wots it like to have such destructive feelings, but they arise in different ways and actions.

Dont feel alone you have a friend right here, even if u go thru it n then want to talk i will listen. you take gd care of yourself.

Jo xxxxx

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Hi Cathy! I want to share something very clinical with you to think about. It is on this page, and is called Therapeutic Brushing

http://www.ot-innovations.com/content/view/55/46/

The science of it is that deep pressure to the skin and gentle traction and compression to the joints sends very powerful messages to the brain of orientation, calm, and ready attention. The opposite of numbness, disassociation, anxiety, and self hatred. An Occupational Therapist trained in it can teach you how to do it to yourself. There are some precautions, mainly that you use the correct amount of pressure. If you brush too lightly it could set off an aversion response. The brush used is the nylon scrub brush that surgeons use to clean their nails and skin. It is soft but firm.

Another form of this treatment is to cup your hands and firmly tap up and down your arms and legs and on your shoulders. Then pull and push your wrist joints, elbow joints, ankle joints, knee joints.... jumping up and down will help you get input to the hip joints.

It sounds strange until you try it.

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Mscat I am very interested in the title of your post. "October is a good time to..."

I am only assuming that you have a plan and will carry it out in October, am I right?.

I would like to tell you of my experience with setting plans for the future, especially plans that would cause harm. 18 years ago when I had PND, I was severely depressed and had constant suicidal thoughts. One day I decided that at 7pm that evening I would follow through on my thoughts. My husband left for work at 5.30pm so I was alone at home with the baby.

I was constantly watching the clock now convinced that I would carry out this plan when it came to 7pm. As time went on I was getting more and more agitated and restless. It came to 10 minutes to 7 and I realized that I didn't want to carry this out anymore but felt compelled to do it, and was sure that I had now lost control of myself and despite my reluctance I wouldn't be able to stop myself. Luckily at 5 minutes to 7 I rang my sister and pleaded for someone to come over and be with me, now I don't know if I would have done what I planned or not, but I am so glad that I found a way to stop myself.

I'm wondering if you would discuss your plan with your therapist and find some safety procedures to use to stop this rollercoaster you are on. Once you step on it is difficult but not impossible to get off.

Take care

Goose

Edited by goose
typo
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Jo, It is always so good to hear back from you. It's ok , I seem to know what your trying to say. Thank u . How have u been doing lately?

Finding My Way, I am going to look into that , thank you for the link. What is very intersting to me, is the same methods are used for children who are autistic. It is for sensory issues, and to help calm them. I did not even think that it could be applied to adults, however it does make sense. Why not? I will for sure read up on this method of treatment. I do need to find ways to soothe and to feel better , using more positive coping techniques , rather then feeling like I always need to destroy something evil inside myself , and to get rid of the bad, or to cleanse the inner demons that lurk deep within . Perhaps exercises such as the ones you have given me a link , will show me how to relax more , and give me better ways to feel good, then to seek out ways to need to destroy certain parts of the self that are bad, and evil. Thank you.

goose, I understand that you are trying to help me, and apreciate that. I am glad you did not follow through with your plans. Calling your sister helped you .

However, with me, I am different. I DO carry out my thoughts, and have done so many, many times. I am aware that your new to this community, and thats ok. When I write , I am dreadfully honest about my thoughts and very insightful as to what is going on in my world. Their are a few members who have been on here who KNOW this about me. Have been in this community long enough to know it. I do not play around. In regards to my feelings and actions.

I am blunt , upstraight, and tell it as it is. And this is how it is. For me. For my Self injury , I feel it coming on like a freight train, a FAST moving freight train , and anything in it's way will be demolished. What I am trying to write about here in my thread is the power SI has , and the GRIP , it has on me. The build up , and how strong the pull is towards anther major form of destruction , takes place. Trying to express it into words. What this is like . For those who do not Self injure. To have an idea of what it is like to fight off these powerful urges . And self destructive thoughts that only lead to more urges and more powerful thoughts.

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This build up seems to put you in a trance, Cathy. Would you put it that way?

I did wonder if that treatment had ever crossed your path before. After I posted it, I read in another post how sensitive you are to being touched. That is another reason to implement this protocol, clinically speaking, and that can be why people with autism receive it. It can be very helpful. It is done where I work, and for some, it has made all the difference.

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This build up seems to put you in a trance, Cathy. Would you put it that way?

I did wonder if that treatment had ever crossed your path before. After I posted it, I read in another post how sensitive you are to being touched. That is another reason to implement this protocol, clinically speaking, and that can be why people with autism receive it. It can be very helpful. It is done where I work, and for some, it has made all the difference.

WHen it becomes too much and overwhelming, then yes. Much like stress. However, moreso, and nowhere to place it or to let it go. Because, for me I internalize all of this, and it just gets buried deeper and deeper within inside of me. that is why I feel I am ready to explode , and it is always brought out on myself. Nobody else. But, sometimes I have thought about just how violent I have become towards myself, and what harm I could do to a person if it ever was unleashed towards somebody. I've discussed this issue with my brother, and he has agreed. It is terribly frightning to think about that. But, I really don't have that in me, to hurt others. That is not me. Me, I have this inner turmoil , that feels so horrible all the time, then I numb it out, which does not feel anything at all. It is odd. Odd to disconnect from onself. To be alive and breathing, however dead inside, to hear onself talk , and sound far aWAY and strange. Going and surviving in a fog , it is worse , pain can and does snap me back . Becasue then It feels good to feel the pain, waking something up inside me, and that is why I feel it is cleaning up the awful parts that prevent me from feeling anything and keeping me from being really enjoying life.

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Thats ok mscat I understand where you are coming from now.

Take care.

Goose

Let's see , if u really do understand goose... Have you Severely self harmed? Self harmed so badly it has landed u in a critical care unit for 8 days? and with surgries? blood tranfusions? Pain pumps? A staph infection MRSA that could kill u? Can u understand the total lack of control that goes with the Self inflicted harm that goes with what I am referring to? the numbing sensationg and uncertainly of what is going on around u when the act is being performed in this state of mind?

I write about SI the way I experience it, and don't expect others to understand, however, the support and feedback helps me think clearer in this community. That is why I am here. I like honest , meaningful, useful, input.

That's all.

Just trying to hang in there while knowing I am slowy sinking towards a place where I have been to before, which is unpleaseant when the thoughts and urges darkend my mind.

Take care,

goose

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I'm sorry if you took offence, none intended. I'm obviously no good at this.

Goose

It's not you , rather me. I get touchy, and let stuff, that I don't even know why bother me. Don't be sorry. u did nothing wrong. I am venting, and you are tyring to just help. But, with me, I am so moody, get very very , swirly . I do not want u to take this personally . I do not even know myself, please forgive me.

Your a good person. This time of yr, is the worse time for me, I just can't hold it together. In here, I can at least write about it, and it helps, i never want to hurt anyone's feelings. especially when they try to help me. I was rude , direspectful.

Me, I just vent when I don't know what else to do.

Sorry,

CAthy

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I am posting a response in my own thread! An update per say .

#1 . I was subpoena today , on a young neighbor who was screaming for help one evening a few months ago, because of her B/f beating on her. She lived downstaris from me at the time, anther neighbor and I raced to her APt , it was the kind of scream that u knew was something awful was happening. Now I find myself as a witness :) even though I had not seen the incident. I talked with the young woman , saw her eyes, her fear, and then her baby girl her saw the whole thing take place.

#2 My son's Central Valley regional center manager has made an appointment for my child to have an in deph evaluation completed by one of their leading Dr's. His Diagnoses is autistic spectrum disorder/and cognitive delays, fancy way of saying he falls below average IQ . (mildly) I am peeved about it, because my opinion is that he has been seen by enough Dr's. and specialists .He is in a special day class, and getting his needs met educationally. Why go through anther full diagnoses screening again??? I feel like I have no say so in the matter, which when I do not, it is as if I have a sense of losing control over something in my life. Especially when it comes to my child's welfare.

I am slowly sinking in a huge pile of mud , and shit blended in > it all stinks! I was not prepared to get pulled into this domestic violence case. I did not see anything .

I was not prepared for regional Center to make an appoint. for my child!

AND then their is this issue with my brother. he is slowly coming unraveled at the seams too. He brings it too me. I am his older sister , and he does come to me for emotional support. To deal with all his stuff, and NOT know how to help him or where to put it .

AND not to mention starting this new month in the hole financially. YA know I wish that lightning would just strike me DEAD . Seriously, then that would be freaky right? I'd be put out of my misery, not having to Self injure anymore, or try to help my brother, my neighbor, HELL the only reason I enjoy helping those , is that it helps me. What a selfish bitch I am. In the long run I really ought to shoot myself> blah , I am in a Fu**** up mood, mainly venting here. Because I just do not know what else to do :)

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Hi mscat.

It sounds like your having a realy tough time of it all lately. I dont realy know what to say that can possibly help.... . but i will try

I have read several of your posts, and although i dont fully understand the situation that you are in ,i have experienced some of the stuff you have gone through, or at least similar.

You help your brother and neighbour coz you care , not because your being selfish.. far from it. Many people choose to look the other way when they hear cries of help, but you manage to do what you can, no matter how rough you yourself are feeling. That takes inner strength and courage, which although it may not seem that way to you, you have tons of.

Please try not to be so hard on yourself, just wanted to let you know that im here to listen to your venting

take care, and stay strong

Jj

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Cathy,

I know you know this, but I'll say it anyway.

Yes, if lightning struck you (well, if it killed you; amazingly, it isn't always fatal), your pain and self-harm would end.

But your brother's, and your son's, would just be beginning.

Without you to lean on, your brother would be even more lost than he is now. He wouldn't have his big sister any more, and there would be a gap in his life that no one else could fill.

I guess I don't even have talk about your son. He'd lose his mother and his only advocate, at the same time. I doubt that anyone could do for him the things that you do, every single day. Whether you have money troubles or not.

You help others, and it makes you feel good. Then, you beat yourself up for that. What's the problem with helping others because it makes you feel good? Should it make you feel bad? Would that increase the quality of the helping, somehow? Should you stop helping, because it makes you feel good?

You know the answers, and I know you were just venting.

Just reassuring you that you're nothing like a selfish bitch. Remember, I know: I was married to one.

What do you do? You shake it off and carry on. You're a good person who has had some pretty hard times, and you're still here. That should be a reason for rejoicing, in my opinion.

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You help others, and it makes you feel good. Then, you beat yourself up for that. What's the problem with helping others because it makes you feel good? Should it make you feel bad? Would that increase the quality of the helping, somehow? Should you stop helping, because it makes you feel good?

Yes, It helps me feel better to try and help others. It's because of my own life's experiences that I think I can try to understand how someone is feeling. Because I have been there myself. A lot of times.

I don't beat myself up for helping others, or when I feel good. On the contrary. It is when I become diconnected , and lost, where their is no feeling at all. I am numb all over. The drive to self harm becomes stronger, because their is nothing worse then not being able to feel at all, or know of ones exsistence. This scares the heck out of me, i'll Self injure to feel , sometimes it can be impulsive, sometimes it is ritualististic. I have not SI'd in a while. It is a loss , not having SI. It is always there though.

And once started , it is not easy for me to stop , or control the impulses to Self injure more and more. i'll give into the SI , despite the damage, and despite the long term complications it has . As long as I do not do this right now, I is not si'ing , either all or nothing, nothing as it is for now.

I se al these younger people SI , and wish they could learn to from me. Because I am old, too old to be Si'ig . Do these younger Self harmers know what can happen in their future if they do not get a handle on it ? Are they really going to want to be Si'ing at my age?

Because , Self injury , for me has taken a turn into some major forms of SI. How can I be concerned for them ? and not for what I do?

Edited by mscat
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You have a place inside that hasn't been reached yet. Cathy we are here holding you in our heart while you work through this. :( You might have wanted to burn that place out of you, but it might need your love instead. I know this is so difficult, and I'm not asking you to do anything. I just want you to know that we care, and we will keep caring about you, and I hope you can feel some of that care in your numb places some day.:(

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You have a place inside that hasn't been reached yet. Cathy we are here holding you in our heart while you work through this. :( You might have wanted to burn that place out of you, but it might need your love instead. I know this is so difficult, and I'm not asking you to do anything. I just want you to know that we care, and we will keep caring about you, and I hope you can feel some of that care in your numb places some day.:(

I wanted you to know when you respond back to me, I am always taken back by your kind words. They are so nice. I am thinking your a very special person to be so thougthful , and kind with what you write to me on here. Your so much on target , that it is as if you have been inspired somehow to know just what to write to me. I have not figured it out yet, however you offer so much comfort to me.

thank you,

CAthy

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dear Cathy, this is so hard what you are trying to grapple with:(.

My feeling is that the part hidden from you is very young, and the dissassociation from her happened a very long time ago. How is a young child psychologically equiped to process when the people who are supposed to love and care for us turn against us? We can't do it. It is wounding. We can't stand true to ourselves in our own skin. That is way more strength than a little person has. Somewhere way back when your young self believed what people were saying and believed that you had evil in you, and you turned away from that part of you.... isn't that what you are supposed to do afterall: turn away from evil? It split you. This is so far back and it happened long before you had any adult reasoning or adult coping. I see that part of you not as something evil.............. I see that part of you as someone very young that needs to be reached and needs to be loved, after all these years. ^_^ [being deeply deeply rejected can feel pretty evil. Maybe that's what is behind the whole "evil" thing, I don't know]

I hope this isn't triggering to ask, Cathy, but did something especially bad happen in October when you were young? We are here for you. Whatever October is about for you, you need special care:)

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Findmyway ,

The splitting occured because before the ae of 3 my brothers and I were terribly abused. We were then taken from our Biological parents, split up , placed in foster care . Then anther family took me. The foster mother , is controlling, perfectionst , who instilled im me that I was a piece of shit, could never do anything right, and was verbaly, emtionally abusive. They were , however, a upper class family, who are deeply religious. On the outside they tried to make themselves out to be wonderful. Wonderful in their church just "good" people :mad: The foster father was not so bad, however i did not like him, mainly because he was a man, and I was scared of hugs and stuff.

The foster parent made certain that i felt like I did not belong inthat family, and I always felt different. No matter how hard I tried to be a good person and meet her expectations it was never good enough for her.

They sometimes talked about my Bio family as being these monsters. Terrible, horrible people. All the time, actually . I got to thinking that those are my real parents they are talking about!!!

I idenified with my natural parents , more and mor eI could not be perfect for the foster mother. the foster parent was cruel. Sometimes , even a bit physical abuse went on.

That is where the splitting occured . one biological set of parents/BAD evil

anther set of paretns who presented themselves as perfect , wonderful , family . this is where i learned to shutdown, and stop feeling. this is where I became depressed, and OD at the age of 10. this is the family I ran away from at the age of 13 . and at 14 started to experiement with self injury.

And a ED blossomed at 15. The runaways , I ended up beaten for that. At 16 I was sexually assaulted in High School . I did not know what to do.

It messed me up worse. At 16 went into a mental hospital , and 2 others , total stay nearly 2 yrs.

Now at 40 yrs old> still struggling to grapple with issues and not to float out away from myself. Not to disconnect , and trying to feel something. Mostly it is numb.

35 i crashed hard , and went into old behavior s , clinical depression, And then the BPD , but what rally took off once again was the self harming. This time it was on, for real, It turned into major harming. Not one time several times , and then to a little less extrmeme the SI got ugly .Right now it is under control.

OCtober , is my Birthday . No that is not the trigger, or bad thing. October , works out because , in a couple of months it is the Holidays, which brings invatations to the "good" family . The major harming , prevents me from having to go and participate . Keeps them away from inviting my son and I up north . + The evil me and badness , can be controlled too.

I have darkness in me. My Biological father was a "bad person too" He is dead now.

All my know is the very good vrs the very evil. I sway like from one extreme to the other. However inside I am dark. Outside I am or try to be nice. However still , do not like ,many people, nor do I find being social , hanging out, a fun experience. I am a loner is what people think, NO i am a hermit , is what my biological brother says. Thats ok, nobody bother s me, then I am better.

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