Worried About My Boys

[nykid]

This is the first time that I have "publicly" discussed having a small penis. In fact, I have been in therapy for about 6-7 years now and still have yet to come up with the courage to bring it up although I feel that so many of my problems in life stem from this problem. I stumbled upon this thread during a search about size issues with kids. I have a 3 year old son who seems to have my problem and it saddens me that he will have to go through life feeling some of the same things that I did. My father did not have this issue. I remember when my wife was pregnant that I just hoped that my son would not be afflicted. In fact had he not, I think I would probably feel a whole lot better about everything including myself, I could have put it behind me finally. I can deal with the pain, I'm happily married and past that very hard time in my life (adolescence and college) but now I have to know that it will happen again with the person I treasure the most - that is hard. I do think it is hard to discuss this with people of normal size as there is no way for them to understand. It is an entirely different ballgame.

I'm going to try and be a father that helps give my son all the encouragement and confidence I can. I think a strong foundation will perhaps take some of the sting off. I did not get that myself to add to my problems. I can;t even imagine having the small penis conversation with my son but if we need it then I will try my best.

One of the hardest things now is that more and more, male genitalia is becoming less of a taboo. Movies, books, you can see it everywhere, which will make it even more painful for the next generation that is afflicted. A constant reminder.

It is a daily struggle. One I wish on no one.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Nykid,

Does it not occur to you that the fact that you have a wife and now a child means that your penis is more than adequate? It should.

This issue of "small penis" is a male dilemma. In a way, it is the equivalent of the body image problems that women suffer. Women commonly do not like their genitals. I don't mean all women and I do not mean most women, but, I do mean many women. Well, its the same with men with regard to their penis.

There is lots of misinformation about the penis, misinformation that men suffer from. Sadly, people like Howard Stern, on the radio, ruthless advertisers and the pornographers, make it seem as though there really is such a thing as a small penis. The fact is that there are a miniscule number of men, I mean really rarely, who are born with a micro penis. However, this is so rare that it makes no sense to even discuss it. After that, penises vary in shape and size, but, not a lot.

How come you still struggle with this thinking even though you are married and now created a child with your wife???

Allan

[lifeless existence]

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Edited October 24, 2009 by lifeless existence

[IrmaJean]

Spend some time researching and you'll find that while most women may not be as vocal, the majority don't want to be with men like us.

I'm sorry for your pain. I'm a woman and I could care less about the size of a man's penis. Sexual relations are an expression of love and love doesn't measure things such as this.

My point being that I think that all of us have physical attributes that we might perceive as inferior, but it's how we carry ourselves inside that make us who we are. It's always discouraging to hear that any woman would actually reject a man for something such as this. I have no doubt that there are mean and superficial people out in the world that probably have their own issues, but I also know there are plenty of caring and decent people as well. If you close your eyes to the possibilities, you won't ever see what life has to offer. Believing in yourself will attract women. Please don't give up on us. "Sarah" is Sarah. She is not me or any other woman.

As far as not wanting to have children of your own because of this...I think you're cheating yourself of one of the greatest treasures life has to offer...hope. Because that is exactly what children bring to the world. Who knows what a child of yours might accomplish? Doctor? President? Fireman? Lawyer? Mother? And what of potential grandchildren? A child's life is their own and any of your children may not feel the same as you about this. Potential can't ever be realized if it is suffocated before it even gets a chance to breathe.

Therapy to promote self-acceptance is a waste of time and money. It doesn't matter whether we accept ourselves or not, because it's the woman's opinion of our penis that will determine whether we find love or remain alone.

Self-acceptance is the key. It really is. Loving another really is about you and what you have to offer. A huge lesson that I learned in therapy! Until you feel that inside, you won't be able to offer it.

I am very sorry that you are hurting and that people have not treated you kindly. I can understand your discouragement with women. But there really are some who will love you for all of you. I hope one day you can believe that.

Edited October 5, 2009 by IrmaJean

[lifeless existence]

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Edited October 24, 2009 by lifeless existence

[Donna]

There are more women than you think out there that are NOT affected by size at all, im not saying this as a standard response or anything like that it genuinely is true..im a women and just like men do with their friends have had many talks with other women about sex etc and we've all agreed that size really isnt important, yes penetration is good but it really isnt the be all and end all there's more to it than that and many women dont get their main pleasure from that part of sex anyway.And to be frank, if someone leaves you simply because of it then maybe they are not the right person for you?

But i know that doesnt really make it any easier and i really can sympathise with you and understand just how much it wrecks your confidence and can affect other areas of your life,

wow this is really embarrasing what im going to say ive never told anyone this before

After the birth of my first child i had a problem with one of my breasts which are extremely small to begin with..basically it collapsed and had to have an implant in it, it never looked right and was always uneven and even the most supportive of bra's dont help,

over a few yrs i had more children and the same problem and now 16 yrs later there is a huge difference and the one with the implant is also very uncomfortable and painful at times but because of my mental health problems surgeons have refused to help me, i couldnt wear a leotard so i quit my favourite thing of all..gymnastics, cant wear certain style clothes, have to be careful how i lay,cuddle people etc i could never take my children swimming.

it stopped me having r/ships when i seperated with my husband (we were already together when it happened) until finally i did meet someone and although it was extremely embarrasing i was totally upfront (forgive the pun!) about it although i told him on msn to save face to face rejecton,maybe not ideal but it was a bit easier and to my surprise he didnt laugh just said that things like that wernt important to him and it's a myth that men want and expect glamour girls with 'airbrushed' bodies and amazing dolly parton type t*ts it would make THEM feel insecure and not good enough ..and it's true it works both ways...hell i wouldnt want a greek god id never feel up to standard!

of course i didnt really believe it to begin with,yes the first time was embarrasing and i wont lie im still uncomfortable after 6 yrs with him but i also have 'body issues/and body dysmorphia' anyway but i did it and i dont want to sound patronising but ive managed to accept it in my own way im sure you can too.

nobody has a perfect body we all have flaws some perhaps more noticable than others but as a rule everyone understands and accepts that, it's unlucky that you've come across the few nasty immature ones out there who arnt worth your time.

something maybe worth considering? often the one's who mock are the ones who have something of their own to hide or their own insecurities.

sorry this probably wasnt any help at all but i just wanted to say that you are really not alone and despite how it feels it isnt the end of the world and it wont stop you from having a normal loving r/ship, you'll find the right person you just need to find a bit of confidence and self-belief first.

Edited October 1, 2009 by Donna

[IrmaJean]

I certainly wouldn't ever want to say that anyone is a bad person.

To me, what makes sex important is the sharing of yourself with your partner. There is no possible way for me to ever be completely physically satisfied now and yet I still find time with my husband to be very satisfying. It's the togetherness that counts for me.

When it comes right down to it, this is only a part of your relationship with a partner. There are many other aspects that are also very important. When all of those aspects are going well, sex is frosting on the cake. Again, only my opinion. I really view differences as a wonderful thing. It's what makes us individuals who don't fit into a mold. It's part of the mystery and excitement of getting to know someone. Perceptions are individual as well. What you see, others may see differently. But in the end really, it's how you feel about yourself that counts. Perceived faults don't define who you are as a person. I don't know if any of this is helpful or not, but I do hope that you begin to feel better about yourself.

[Smith222]

Lifeless Existence,

I am not telling you lies to give you hope... I am telling you how it is. There are plenty of great women out there that care more about having YOU and not your dick as the center of your relationship. Also I must say that most if not all the women I had sex with were satisfied with their experience. Maybe that was because I was focused on making sure they were satisfied I don't know but they did have good orgasm.

I'm getting frustrated listening to the negative comments…the thing that bothers me the most about having a small penis is not the sex. I can satisfy women quite easily. I am 4.5 inches and I had great sex with plenty of women. That is not a lie. Yes I'm sure some walked away laughing and would never contemplate a relationship but I can say for sure if they were faking an orgasm they should get an academy award...Women satisfy women so think about that.

The thing that has screwed me up the most is more what the guys said about me, the humiliating team shower thing... Going to the pool etc… The feeling of not being like all the other guys... Having to wear cloths to hide it (still to this day)…growing up hoping it would grow like every one else but it didn't... that is what really hurt... AND THINKING ALL WOMEN NEEDED TO FEEL SATISFIED WITH A LARGE PENIS. I don’t wish that on anyone…That’s why I started this thread in the slight hope someone would maybe know if there was a way to fix the problem with kids and get it early while they are growing so mine wouldn’t have to go through this crap.

As for that thread you posted regarding Sarah, I bet she was somehow physically and emotionally abused by some guy with a small dick and now she wants to have some sort of revenge. Small dicks will be here for as long as we are on the planet.

I've said this before and getting tired of repeating myself. I am trying to get guys with a small dick to understand that finding a partner that actually enjoys your dick is possible. If you think otherwise…your loss…Yes it’s very hard and we are all emotionally hammered but I wish I could convince you.

I think I am done here so all the best to everyone.

I’d like to thank all the administrators for their comments especially David O, IrmaJean and Donna.

Smith222

Edited October 1, 2009 by Smith222

[Guest ASchwartz]

To All the Men and to IrmaJean,

Irma, thank you so very much for writing that comment. Too many of these men are convinced that women care about one thing: penis size. When I point out the untruth of this distorted belief, it is rejected in the form of: 1. I am telling lies, 2. I don't know what it's like, 3. Their experiences convince then they are right, etc.

This is a mental health web site and we are here to help and not to tell lies or to distort.

Unfortunately, there are some women who are nasty, cruel and rejecting. There are men like that, too. However, most human beings are not like that. My point being that there are many warm and caring women just like IrmaJean.

Sadly, radio programs like Howard Stern, the Porno industry, the commercial producers of bogus penis size enhancer products, all create this fake atmosphere that convinces vulnerable and self doubting people that their is something wrong with them.

Real people want warm and caring relationships. And I agree with IrmaJean that if you want marriage and children it is very attainable.

Allan

[lifeless existence]

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Edited October 24, 2009 by lifeless existence

[nykid]

Dr. Schwartz,

While I do feel good in that I am married and have a child, it does not erase the struggles that I had growing up. Scared to take showers with other males, scared to date for fear of being humiliated - gossip during those teenage years are awful. Now that I see that my son will go through many if not all these issues that I went through it brings it all back. I read some of these other posts and they all sound all too familiar. All teenage boys want to date and experiment and I didn't feel confident enough to do that. It is a part of life that I will never have and that to me is sad. There are times now when I d o not think about it for weeks, perhaps months but every once in a while I get a painful reminder and it haunts me for a while. I just wanted a normal physical and mental existence for my son. That is the toughest part of my situation now.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Nykid,

I hear you and, believe it or not, I fully understand. Please do not for one moment believe that notions of penis size are the only reason why some teens do not date. The variety of fears, distortions and pain are so varied that it could fill up a textbook to list them.

However, you are now in a happy marriage and have a son. None of us can change the past. That is impossible. But, we can change today by enjoying what we have Now, and living to the Fullest now.

I am saying this not only as a therapist but as an older man who has learned a lot from his own life.

Allan

[nearlydead]

Donna and Jean, thankyou for your sensitive and reassuring replys they are very much appreciated, however as women you cannot hope to understand where the deformed like us are coming from. I wonder if either of you have expierence of a 4" penis.

Statements, or even the reality of there being women out there who do not care about size make no difference to people like me. There are two men here who have met and married women who do not care about size, who are still fighting with self doubt, even breeding has not stopped thier self doubts.

I last had sex in 1999, I had to go through the humiliation of her knowing I was deformed, then the humiliation of impotence, then the humiliation of her telling her best friend in confidence before telling everyone I knew. That was when I completely withdrew from life. Up until that time I had slept with roughly 50 women, 7 or 8 made comments about my size, some told their friends and made it common knowledge, requaring me to cut all ties and make completely new social circles with both men and women yet again. I did this twice and still I got found out, I have not made a third new social circle, preferring solitude to humiliation for the last 10 years. As for the "keep going, things will work out, you'll find THE one, love sets you free" breeding more losers is one of lifes wonders, blah blah, just sounds like hippy bull to me.

Dr Shwartz, talking about "adequate" and "it does the job" is completely missing the point. I know I can give and recieve pleasure with my maggot, but I also know that I am the smallest penis every woman I have splept with has seen, or likely to see. I know that every woman I have ever slept with will have had better sex, than she has had with me.(cognitive distortion, or not).

I have probably read and understood more information about male and female phsyiology, and psycology of attraction than most. 85% women happy with husbands, 65% of men between 5.5" and 6.8". However I am in the bottom 4% of the size range. People will always go "Ahhhhh!" or laugh or be nasty, some keep thier thought and feelings to themselves, but everybody will have a reaction to a small penis as it is an extreme, in the same way that a very large penis is an extreme and will attract reactions.

The only cure for me if I had time would be to change my mental outlook. By adopting the mindset, I dont care that I have a small penis, I dont care if I am good at sex, I dont care what any woman thinks or says about my penis, I dont care if the women tells everyone that I have a small penis,I dont care what any freinds/colleagues/family say or about my penis. Im wrinting this shit and I know I have to kill myself to get this shit to stop do not breed i curse the day i was born

[robyn]

I was a little surprised at some of the editor comments. This is my 1st ever post and came here from the main forum section. I like this site, I especially like the free advice given without the ever present need to absorb 'funds'. Its truly altruistic and I salute the people behind it. I think advice is more valuable if its not charged at a set rate per hour!!

With this in mind I do hope you do not think I am over critical. One of the editors recently said that very small size is so rare it needent be considered. As I am part of a family that has been touched by micropenis and similar developmental issues you will understand I felt those closest to me and suffering a great deal had been casually dismissed.

Allow we to explain further. 'MP' is present in 0.6 % of the population. So in the USA alone 2 million males either have, or will grow up to have, a size less than 3.5 inches erect.

That is a lot of people to dismiss. Whilst some of these undergo gender conversion, most do not, as in the case with my family. There are few serious sites that offer proper support so please dont close the door. Sufferers have enough doors slammed in their faces during their lifetime as it is.

[IrmaJean]

I can't understand what you've been through in a specific sense (and I wouldn't pretend to), but I most certainly can and do relate to having feelings of inadequacy and of being "broken". These feelings are very painful. I don't like seeing anyone in pain. So while I don't fully understand, I certainly empathize.

Also, I've only been with one man. We've been married close to 20 years now. I'm being 100% truthful when I tell you that I have absolutely no idea what size his penis is. I had never really even thought about it, to tell you the truth. It's part of him...and I love him...so I love it. That's just assumed to me.

You mentioned fearing women all having had better sex with others than they had with you. I wonder, why the competition about this? What defines good sex anyway? Everyone likely has a different view on this. Good sex to me would be sharing myself with someone whom I love and trust. No scorecards. Just me and my partner. Sometimes you have to trust that. Also, maybe try not to focus on "winning someone over" but just being yourself.

There are so many complexities in human beings. Maybe these feelings that you have, Nearlydead, are about more than just your genital size. When you meet a woman who loves you for ALL of you, I promise this woman will not measure her love by the size of your penis. Perhaps you feel as if you are not worthy of this type of acceptance. What of your other gifts, Nearlydead? What things do you like about yourself? What positive traits do you have? I bet there are many.

I'm so sorry that others have treated you poorly. I'm sorry that you are hurting. To me, getting to the bottom of the self-doubt would be the key. I can't remember, did you say you had a therapist?

I hope nothing I've written here is upsetting to you. I hear your pain and I care.

Edited October 5, 2009 by IrmaJean

[lifeless existence]

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Edited October 24, 2009 by lifeless existence

[IrmaJean]

Well, to me, size is irrelevant. It would have no bearing on whether I chose to be with a partner or not. It would also have no bearing on whether I stayed with a partner or not. It would have no bearing on my feelings for a person. It would not influence me in one way or the other. That is what I meant.

I suppose I indentify with this in some way not only because of my current physical problem, but also because I was completely rejected by boys during my school years.

I hope that everyone feels better.

Edited October 4, 2009 by IrmaJean

[IrmaJean]

Then you're not qualified to comment as to whether size matters or not.

I hope no one minds my coming back here to comment on this. I realize that we have strayed from the original post, but I just wanted to add some thoughts. The above statement bothered me for some reason, though it took me several days to understand why.

I think sometimes that we, as humans, have certain views of the world and then mistakenly believe that others feel the same way as we do. I've done the very same thing myself. It can be a very difficult thing to shake, but it can be done if you open your mind to other possibilities.

I believe what you have done here is taken your own beliefs and how you view the world and then attached those beliefs to me. It's an assumption that everyone has the same drives, needs and motivations in life...and they don't. Again, I think this is a very natural thing to do without even thinking much about it and is totally understandable. But I think it would be advantageous for you to try to keep in mind that some women might not fit into the "mold" of what society seems to portray.

The only person who can be qualified enough to know what I want, need and desire from any relationship that I might have with a man is me. My lack of experience has little to do with it. It is my understanding of myself and knowing what is important to me...things such as shared intimacy and closeness. Kindness, caring nature, honesty, sense of humor ...

I guess my point being is not to be argumentative in any way with you, but in hoping that you understand what I'm trying to express here and won't close yourself off to any opportunities of having a meaningful relationship with a woman by assuming that you already know what she wants. Everyone is different. I hope this makes sense and I hope that you will not give up on finding a partner.

Take care everyone.

Edited October 6, 2009 by IrmaJean

[lifeless existence]

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Edited October 24, 2009 by lifeless existence

[IrmaJean]

The point that I was trying to make is that since you haven't actually experienced different sizes, you can't definitively say that size makes no difference to you.

I completely understand your point, but you didn't understand mine. I'm not saying with certainty that it wouldn't feel different. I'm saying that... even if it did... that isn't what matters to me. That isn't where I get satisfaction. It's in the intimacy. It's in the closeness. The rest is gravy...

Part of growing to love someone is about having that person unfold in front of you. Once you accept and love someone for the person that they are, anything they trust you with and share with you is a gift and should be treasured as such. It isn't about what they show you, it's about the revelation of it. It isn't about what it is... it's about familiarity. It's about knowing and recognizing someone for who they are. If I loved a man and he loved me back I would feel honored that he would share such an intimate part of himself with me. The gift and satisfaction is in the sharing...not in what the gift is, but what it means.

Those are my personal feelings, but I'm sure there must be others who share the same thoughts as well.

Edited October 7, 2009 by IrmaJean

[Donna]

The point that I was trying to make is that since you haven't actually experienced different sizes, you can't definitively say that size makes no difference to you.

ok im putting myself out on a limb here and am definately going to make no friends but while you say IrmaJean cant definitively say size makes no difference to her, perhaps i can?

i worked in the ''porn industry'' that ASchwartz mentioned and you know what? the so called average 6 inch...(actors are unusual btw and generally there are a lot of tricks, as well as airbrushing and edits you'd be very surprised)..it's a myth i can assure you, all these men you see in locker rooms etc well just know this many men do not change much either in shape length or girth when they become erect and i can assure you i have met many men who cannot even or ever have been able to physically manage penetration at all due to size.

did you know that men who are ''well endowed'' are more often than not the ones who have problems? you'd be surprised at the problems it causes them.

as for anyone worrying about passing genetics on to their children, firstly the liklihood is actually pretty low and secondly they are likely to be looking for something that perhaps isnt there? children/adolescents grow at different rates in all parts of their bodys and what may seem 'unusual' at 10 may not be at 18.

i used to worry a little because my oldest son always seemed quite 'small' however he is now a father at 16 (im not saying thats ideal!) and has never ever been short of girls in fact he's been a constant source of worry in that department for a long long time!

im not trying to patronise or take away how painful or embarrasing it feels im just trying to say it is nowhere near as unusual or as severe as it feels to you, ever wondered why people laugh at the locker jokes or girls scorn them? because they are just not true.

i really really hope one day that men and boys can see that for themselves.

btw, nearlydead yes i do have experience of 4 inch dicks..quite a few actually and ive never found anything wrong with them..if you mean do I have a 4 inch dick then naturally my answer is no...but do you have experience of breasts that are so bad that you cant disguise enough to be able to take your children swimming? or perhaps you have experience of a woman with horrible breasts that put you off her? because surprisingly women are just as sensitive about their breasts as men are of their penises which is why i gave my example/experience in my previous post.

Edited October 7, 2009 by Donna

[nearlydead]

Donna, so your ok with a 4" penis, and have worked in the porn industry, tell me your blond, own a gastro pub, and your farthers an oil billionaire, and I may be about to propose marriage.

Irma, again thankyou for your reassuring posts, you're obviously a very caring and loving woman, your husband is a very lucky man.

There are lots of examples all over the net of women saying "size is not important to them" far more women seem to express this opinion that those who do say "size is important", some state girth is more important, some say lenght, some say they like to feel full, some say they like the aesthetics of a large penis. But most, it would appear say that size doe's not matter "its the whole you, and not just your penis that they want or love. In my expeirence, most of the derogortory comments have come from younger immature women.

The promblem is, us men are not women, we dont love in the same way as women do, "I love her but I wish her arse wasn't as big as it is" I do not think men love as unconditionaly as women can do. I certainly never have.

Also us men when not in competition with other men, are in competition with ourselves. For the most part men with small penis's regard themselves at a disadvantage to other males, we look at the mechanicals of how things work, and to us 6" is always going to do the job better than 4", regardless of what the doctors or women tell us.

No woman can truly understand what this size thing means to a man. The closest I can imagine a woman understanding is those who have lost breasts to cancer and the like. (I know from personal expierence that men can and do love women who have found themselves in this position)

The experts, doctors and women are constantly telling us that size does not matter and that its our perceptions that are wrong. Which from the amount of evidence I have read, and my own expeirence's of 50 women or so, I would agree is correct, with maybe a few exceptions.

So I agree, the problems that having a small penis causes us are, probably mostly in our heads. Except that our small penis's are physical, and dragging us down everyday. No matter how logically I look at my penis, it is still PHYSICALLY a SMALL penis, and I HATE it. A disadvantage which has ruined my life.

How do men with a small penis move from "its small, no woman, hate, shame, fear, loathing, disbeleif" etc to "its small, it makes no difference, I dont care"?

And once we get to this point, actually believe it, even when a small penis is a small penis.

[Recluse]

Donna, my personal problem is a lack of girth, my length is average range but my girth is below average, have you ever seen anyone in that situation before?

[lifeless existence]

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Edited October 24, 2009 by lifeless existence

[nearlydead]

I'm really tired of the breast size comparison. Yes, they may be the cause of similar emotional upset (and I sympathize with you) but that's where the similarities end in terms of this discussion. Breasts provide no physical stimulation to the penis during intercourse. Their size, shape, or appearance has no bearing whatsoever on the amount of stimulation the man's penis receives from penetration. But penis size is just the opposite. It has everything to do with how much stimulation the woman receives from penetration.

Typical male thinking. We automatically think about the mechanics of sex, our cocks are small and cannot shift as much tissue or mass, as a larger penis might. We cannot stretch or penetrate a woman like a real man.

The facts are a womans vagina in an aroused state is only 3 to 4" long, with the majority of nerve endings on the inner and outter lips, clitorious, etc and the magical g-spot is only 1 to 2cm inside the vagina.

A womens vagina is capable of getting a baby through it. Most babies are far bigger than even the biggest cocks.

Maybe check out some extreme porn, fisting, baseball bats, and all sorts of impossibly large objects can be fitted in there. When you see this stuff, it is hard to see how 1 or 2" can make as much difference as we think it can.

If you watch porn you will see that the majority of the time, the bigs guys rarely put their entire lenght into the women, this is because 7"+ and youre hitting thier cervix, which is the female equivalent of being kicked in the nuts. Google female anatomy and arousal, get the facts, it does help kill some parts of this "my cocks not big enough to satisfy, or bigger is better" thinking. Also try to think of the advantages of a small cock, easier for a ladie to deepthroat, easier for the back door, you can bang her 3 or 4 times, and she wont get thrush, cycstytus, or any pain.

I have been thinking now for a long time that this size thing is MUCH more important to US, than it actually is to women. I know thinking mechanically the above facts must be right, but in my heart of hearts, I dont BELIEVE it. Which rationaly means my size issues are in my head, even though I am confronted by my little cock everyday.

Now I am actively planning my suicide, I am thinking that I maybe could of had a better life than I had.