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What am i supposed to do ?


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Stuck in this cell of mine wishing with every piece of my body i could just escape. Back in this hell of a cycle of hospital life again, and i hate it. Still got 26 days to go.... not that im counting or anything.

I think what hurts the most is missing my children, we have been apart for too long now. and i dearly wish things were how they was earlier on in the year.

I Knew today was going to be a bad one for me, as today is my daughters first proper day at school ever . Every parents proud day of when they watch their eldest take that first step into there new world of school life. I should be there to hold her hand and guide her through it, but no , where am i .. nowhere . I cant believe how much ive let her down, let all my kids down in one way or another recently. and i feel so low about it all.

I suppose its just a feeling i have to try and get used to as by the time i get well again and fight for my kids back through this stupid legal system 2 of my other children will have started school aswell.

Some moma i turned out to be, you know i never thought i would be lucky enough to have a child, and for many years that was just the way things were. Then to my joy and sheer amazement i fell pregnant 4 years in a row. I was the happiest and proudest momma in the world. Now look at me , ive lost all the joy that being a family bought us, and who is responsible ... me. I realy do know how to mess up big time, and its heartbreaking to realise that my children whom i love so dearly are better off without me.

How will my babies ever be able to forgive me for abandoning them in this way ?

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Jessica, that is so hard, and I am so sorry for your pain. I can't even imagine how much you hurt. My thoughts are with you, I wish I had something more to offer than words. Maybe try not to blame yourself, you didn't do this to yourself. It takes a strong person to do the right thing and get help so that you can be the mother your children need. You are getting better for them so they can have you. I'd hardly call that abandoning them, that shows how much you love them. My words are probably all wrong, but I mean well, I am just so sorry you are going through this :)

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Jessica, I'm sorry that life is so difficult for you right now. It seems to me that what you are doing at this time in helping yourself to get well, is the most loving thing of all you could be doing for your children. You are being very courageous in doing what is best for both you and them. I'm sorry that you missed a milestone with your child today. :) Try to think that the steps you are taking at this very moment will hopefully enable you to share in future milestones with all of your children. No parent can ever be perfect or do everything right and I really think that one day all children come to accept and appreciate this fact. You aren't abandoning your children. You're taking care of yourself so you can better take care of them. It's very loving and brave. Take care and I hope you feel better soon.

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Thanks Smallstar and IrmaJean

I apprieciate your kind words, just having a realy bad day today hopefully i will snap out if it soon, well as soon as i work out how to at any rate.

Things are just so frustrating and i feel so helpless in this whole situation which is stupid realy coz i created it so i should know how to end it.


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