Anybody else just exhausted? And scared? [!]

[I_Am_Me]

I'm 19 years old and don't even have a life. If I am not up for days on end, then I'm sleeping so much I'm barely coherant.

I spend 3-4 days on end up, with no or little sleep, and if I do sleep it will be for an hour, or 2-3 one hour slots, in a light sleep where I am always waking up. I am totally normal in how I act, but my mind is racing, asking questions, utterly obsessive. I am so f***ing sick of checking up on people's facebooks. I am so sick of needing to gossip just to feel more in control. I am so sick of caring about other peoples lives!!!! My mind goes on and on, and one loud noise can trigger a panic attack, and then I end up hyperventilating with heart palpatations. I have energy, but it's not boundless, and although I don't feel depressed, I don't eat much, and I am constantly on the brink of being angry or upset. I sit online for hours googling things and facebooking. It's so sad. I am sad. It makes me angry that so many of my school frieds are at university, going into their second year, and I barely scraped by my GCSE's. Looking back I know this was because I had this condition, but why the hell did nobody recognise it? Not even me until recently? I also am always twitching, or fidgeting in some way. I also hallucinate, especially at night. I know that the people/beings aren't there, but I see them enough to make me jump or cry. They are always very, very bad faces/people/demons. It's the oddest thing to know they they aren't real, but still see them. I don't know if that is because this latest development is just starting to kick in.

Then when I'm not up, I am down. It's exhausting to even make a phonecall. I sleep for anywhere between 14-18 hours a night. I am 19 years old for Gods sake, I want a social life and a family. I can't even work because my mood swings are so unreliable. When I am down, I eat nothing, I am consumed with feelings of depression and guilt. Guilt at everything. I feel so low. Social interaction is a total drag, anything is a total drag, even walking to the shop I literally drag my feet the entire way as I just have no energy, and once I get in I have to sleep for a few hours because I am just done. Anything I need to do just seems like a mammoth task, or like a huge can of worms and once I start doing something, it will just get bigger and bigger until I just can't cope anymore. I get so angry, I hate it. I am not an angry person, I am a nice person, but it's just this disease eating away at who I am.

I've been this way since I was 12, depressed, not sleeping, bad eating habits, self harming. After 7 years, which I know will seem like nothing to some of you users, and I truly respect you and am in awe as to how some of you cope, I just feel exhausted. I just want to be normal now. I don't want this disease to be normal for me. I want to be like every other 19 year old running about out there. Next september, I really want to start college again, and get my A-levels so I can become a paramedic, but I just can't see myself being better by then. It seems so pointless because nobody can even guarentee whether the drugs will work or how many changes it will take. I know that it's the disease talking but I can't help how I am feeling.

I phoned the mental health today, to book an appointment, and spoke to one of their advisors about the different drugs they would recommend. My doctor has already recommended anti-depressants, mood supressants, sedatives and sleeping pills. Ontop of these I might need more to counteract liver/kidney damage ect. Am I going to have to take these forever? I guess the bottom line is, I am just so scared. If I put myself through all this, will I ever be normal? Will I have to battle this forever? Will I ever be able to hear something I don't like, or am jealous of, and it NOT trigger a massive episode? I am lucky that the army are providing all this, plus therapy... but I guess the big question is does any of it really make a difference?

[OCDmom]

Maybe you've heard the saying: "Knowing is half the battle won."

You can learn more about your issues and problems by reading the articles in this website. And there are others here who will give you advice and the support that you need to help you get through whatever you're situation you're in. You did the right thing in asking for help. Hang in there.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hello I_am_me,

Yes, it does make a difference to take medications and enter psychotherapy.

You are very young and have your entire life ahead of you. There is much for you to do and to enjoy and experience in life.

I cannot diagnose you over the Internet but I get the sense that it is perhaps possible that you are experiencing Major Depression, or, Bipolar Disorder or some other variety of this type of thing.

It is possible that medication is called for and, given your level of depression and alternating moods, it probably is called for. However, it is not your medical doctor who should prescribe medications. You need to be seen by a Psychiatrist and, I hope, that will happen at the place where you made the mental health appointment. If you need medication it has to be based on the corrrect diagnosis and that should be done by a Psychiatrist.

The story does not stop with medication. It is important that you enter psychotherapy and I am sure the place you called will provide that for you. It is the combination of medicine and therapy that often works best. In your case, the correct medicine should help you feel better and that will help you use the psychotherapy to prevent relapses in the future.

What do you think?

Allan

[mabear]

O too was very scared when I thought I might have bipolar, but after knowingthat my mood swings were not my fault and that there was help for me I had hope for the first time. Please continue to seek professional help. Things can and will get better as you understand more and learn to manage what is happening to you.

[I_Am_Me]

Well, I got my appointment. And booked it. They even got in a specialist from 40miles away as my 'thought diary' was so 'extreme' as they lovingly put it. And I missed the bloody appointment. So annoyed and upset with myself. And so f***ing embarassed. Hubby is going to call in the morning and explain. I was in hysterics earlier, I was booked in for 11, I should have known better as I have to walk to the camp which takes an hour and takes me forever to get ready because I am so freaking paranoid, so had to get up at 9, which for me isn't always guarenteed. I set 7 alarms on my mobile, all of which went off within 5 mins of eachother, and set to keep ringing until switched off. I didn't hear a single one. I have been in a major low for over a week now, I am staying up until the morning, but then sleeping nearly the whole day... I have tried to switch this but going to bed early is useless as all Icanhearisthestupidongoingnoisesandquestionsofmybrain. Then I get restless and have to get up. Everything is so mixed up, I wish it was black and white of up and down, all these mixes are confusing me. I hate this, I feel like I have no control over my own body, I can't even set an alarm. I dont know whats wrong with me but I feel like a freak, and missing my appointment has only worsened how I feel about myself. Everything is so much effort, I honestly can't be bothered to book it all again. None of them bothered getting back to me, I was the only one calling, and nobody even called me when I missed my appointment. Great care there. I just really can't be bothered with it all, what's the point, they don't understand I can't even trust myself to make a late morning appointment. At the moment I would struggle to make a 4pm appointment, let alone 11am. I am, as so well put at the start of this thread, just exhausted. I don't drive either, and the thought of an hour walk each way there and back just is enough to make me cry.

Oh, and I also found out my Grandad - ISNT my real Grandad. And my Grandmother refuses to tell me who was. How can people lie like that!!!!!!!!!! 19 years!!!!!!!!!

Not getting on with the husband, argueing everyday, moving on the 19th, everything must be packed by the 17th, but nothing is done, house has fallen into a state because I am in this low state the whole day, if it's not immaculate when we move were going to get billed for it... God I sound so lazy, I am lazy to be honest, not doing anything all day, I am just disgusted with myself. I feel so guilty too, when I married my husband I was able to control this, I was up and down but not this extreme. It seems since the cheating in May I have just spiralled out of control. I am not even half the person i was, what a let down. Sorry this is such an outburst, I just really hate myself today.

[mabear]

I don't think you should be so hard on yourself - it is really difficuult for many of us to even think about functioning when we are in such a low state. THe professionals should understand this. Don't give up on making another appointment and asking for all the support you can to make it.

On top of the lowered feelings, moving is an extremely stressful event. It sounds like you have a lot going on and arguing with the husband isn't helping. Hang in there and kjeep us up to date. We are here to support you as we can. We will always listen with compassion.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hello I_am_me,

I fully understand your frustration with yourself over missing the appointment. I also understand your anger over no one calling you after missing the appointment.

At the same time, I agree with Mabear that you are too hard on yourself. I agree with you that your husband call for another appointment. In fact, I would encourage him to get an appointment for you as soon as possible.

You know, many times the first appointment is the worst. That is because the anticipation and anxiety build and is difficult to tolerate. After the first, it may not be easy right off, but it will be easier and get even easier as you go.

Don't worry about your journal and what they think. This is your imagination working. Take a deep breath and lets get to work on the next visit.

Can your husband take you to the first visit? It often helps to have someone go with you at first. Not in to see the Doc, but, just to help get there. I know me and I know it helps me.

Allan

[I_Am_Me]

Well we are leaving Germany on saturday, this was the last week to book and Hubby didn't bother. I'm too embarassed to, and he promised me he would, but it's somehow fallen to the bottom of his priorities. I think its because with mental health, it's not obvious, like a broken leg, and so it just gets ignored. He acts like it's nothing, if I try and explain he just dumbs down the symptoms. I had a really bad morning this morning, I was seeing people crawling up my walls, and he pissed off, with my mobile (he sold his iphone, and now wishes he hasnt, so has decided to take mine all the time!!!!!!!) and so I had no line to call out of. I was panicking, in tears, I had no idea where he was, I had no way to make contact with anyone... I was beside myself really. That was at about 2pm. He shows up at 6pm, happy as larry, I had a go at him and he made me feel bad about it, shrugged it off, told me it was my mind playing tricks on me, or my brain doing a double take, then was just like 'I said sorry didnt I?' and then told me he couldn't talk about it anymore because he was so stressed. Am I wrong to want to go crazy at him?? I just shut up and let it go.

I have developed a really bad paranoia the last few days, and I am losing my temper really, really quickly. I am paranoid that people are all talking about me, that nobody likes me, that I only have one friend, and I convince myself I don't like her, and that nobody wants to hear from me. It's so bizarre. Things are getting very strange, very quickly. I believe it though. Also my supposed best friend told everyone I have bipolar, and I am so mad, it got back to my ex and he's been taunting me with it, with messages online. It's driving me even more crazy. Sent the ex best friend a nasty message, and deleted all her details, may or may not have been the right thing to do but oh well!!

[I_Am_Me]

Also, realised that I haven't thanked anybody yet for the advice. It is greatfully recieved. I usually get it within a few hours of being posted, I just don't reply for a few days because I don't always know what to say. My social skills have taken a big step back too. It does help combat the lonliness in a small way though, and I do love recieving it.

How can I get through the next few weeks? It's pretty obvious that I am not going to be getting any help until I am back in the UK, but I have the long wait for an appointment, then the meds, and the switching and staying at home. I am sitting here having a panic attack thinking about it. I won't have the internet for a while either, 2-3 weeks, and I just don't know what I'll do! I have taken the decision to take a step back from facebook, I am just bored to tears with obsessing. In the morning I am getting the hubby to change the password, so I can't check it, and then hopefully I will feel a bit calmer and spend less time glued to the laptop screen. I might just find something else though, lets hope not. Setting my profile picture to 'BRB, CURRENTLY OUT OF MY MIND' which considering my mental state is now public knowledge, should get a couple of laughs.

Found a really gorgeous huskamute that we are hopefully going to buy, she's only 8 months old still a puppy, that's made me happy, the thought of having a companion in the UK just lifts me up. I am worrying because moving to a new area in my current state, I might not make any friends for a long while. I just hope it all goes through okay, I am worrying that her current owner wont drop the price (she's a bit pricey!) or that she will find someone better to sell her to. I have asked my angels to help me though, and fingers crossed they will. We could offer that doggie a great home, so here's hoping. Scared to hope though lol!!

Up, Down, Up, Down, I'm like a yo-yo tonight! Crazy times!

Also, does anyone have any experience with dealing with hallucinations? I am seeing people in daylight now, I used to only see them in the pitch black, and they are getting scarier and more menacing. They run all over the flat and climb up the walls, but it's not daily I never know when to expect it! What can I do? Going to be a while before it's dealt with. Sometimes it is just out the corner of my eye I see someone running up and down the hallway, but sometimes it is full on.

And Allan, thankyou for your posts, the army will provide me with 2 types of therapy, one to address past issues as I come from a very traumatic past, and one to so CBT or whatever it's called. Then also I will have meds and liase with the doctors about how thats all going. Paranoia is becoming a big part of my life, I have felt paranoid since I can remember but it is becoming more prevailant, and along with the halluncinations I am starting to wonder if this is just, bi polar or emotional personlity disorder, as the doctors say, or whether I really am going crazy??

And mabear, you offer some very comforting posts, thankyou x

[roamer2]

im 35 and was diagnosed 1 year ago. i was only able to start treatment a month or so ago.. all the symptoms seemed normal to me.. i had no idea what bi-polar is. i would like to say im glad your aware it at a young age.. i struggled through school, on jobs, in relationships from the symptoms. sever depression has been a life time ordeal for me. to the point of suicide attempts. with all the crap in my head all the time, lack of sleep and ever expanding " energy spirts" my life was unmanageable in every way and i pushed my self past burning out. i would miss important thing and wonder why i dident remember. again the crap in my head ran over those thoughts. i take meds now and there is an improvement. not major but any was welcome. for me i used the way i coped (as well as i could) with the symptoms along with the info gather, dr. advice, advice on here, and meds all in combination.. sleep has improved a bit and that was worth all the research. i actually had a day that was different than anything i had experienced. the crap went away i had slept 6 hours strait. no energy bursts and the depression loosened a bit. at your age the possibilities are very profound. chin up and good luck..