confused and scared

[Donna]

im 39 and im an anoretic.

ive had an ED from around the age of 10, both the ed psych and myself believe it was an ED that i wasnt just a typical picky kid because of the weird things i would do regarding food purging and so on and what i now know to be body dysmorphia.

Although i was never strong and my health has never been great because of it i managed to be strong and well enough to have 4 children and not have heart problems or many other illnesses that would be associated with anorexia, especially as people didnt really have much knowledge back then.

but over the last few years my health became a lot worse and in the end my family finally realised what was going on and they and my ex-husband nagged at me to go see my cpn -even though id been under psychiatric care they never knew although to be fair i was good at evading their questions and manpulating the tests - i convinced them i was naturally small they also thought my low weight was not eating due to depression and the meds i was on.

I had to go to the dr first who basically told me to eat normally put weight on and id be ok lol but in the meantime i got worse, shaking constantly cold bruised tired poor concentration hairloss blacking out arrythmia and much more.

eventually they contacted the psych who id been under who then referred me to an ED hospital unit.

when i saw her i refused in-patient treatment and day ward she agreed not to commit me providing i gained and gave me a diet plan to follow and a ton of prescription supplements.

i had to visit her regularly and i managed to get up to 89lbs (im 5ft2) and luckily health wise i became a lot better.

but i panicked and couldnt allow myself to gain anymore.

eventually i agreed to be a day ward patient, which was arranged to begin in 2 weeks time.

at that time i was being assesed for DBT at a place that is specifically for people with bpd, they offered me a place and my ed consultant had a sudden change of heart and said that it would be in my best interest that i spend some time working at that then she would arrange treatment for me as well as continuing with the therapy, i asked her why and she explained that it would be dangerous to take away my ed from me until i had settled into the DBT thing...but to restart my 'relationship with food' as she called it, meaning the diet sheet supplements etc i was given.

after speaking with the counsellors for the DBT i decided it wasnt for me, they wanted to concentrate on the ED even though the counsellor admitted he had absolutely no knowledge of it and had never had anyone in his group(s) with an ED before but it's considered s/harm therefore i had to stick with the rules.

Even though i told him what had been said he insisted i would have to stick by the rules that the group has, needless to say i didnt accept the place and he agreed that it probably wouldnt work for me.

now im back at square one! ive tried to gain i did get to 95lbs but panicked and decided to just get back to 89 then i would stop and maintain..but it's getting out of control again i need to be back at 70, even though logic tells me to stop this i just cant i keep yo-yoing i drop below 89 then tell myself no more and go back to 89 but then i panic and it starts again each time getting lower and lower and i find it harder to get back to 89 each time, this time im just under 89 but i know that its going to be harder to stop, i dont think i can.

and after getting the courage to go see somebody after 20 yrs of this then being what feels like rejected im not even sure i want to.

it's not much point going back to the ED specialist because she'll probably say the same again and im not doing the therapy thing i am not into group stuff in fact im not into therapy full stop..so where do i go from here im scared and i can feel my health slowly getting worse again.

yet dont want help or maybe i do? i really dont know im confused and tired with it all,

im sorry for the long rambling moaning post i get muddled up and never know how to explain things in shorter ways.

[Nightwatch]

deleted........................

Edited December 13, 2011 by Nightwatch

[Donna]

Thankyou,It doesnt sound harsh at all im grateful you replied knowing that someone understands and doesnt judge can make a big difference..

I think you're right that you can only do it if you truly want to, and i do have a tendency to need people tell me what i should or shouldnt do even if i dont always take any notice lol if left to myself i never do anything about anything other than the mundane every day things and even then i struggle.

i dont think the way things turned out with the ED psych and the counsellor helped either.

it just didnt make sense to me, here was a guy sat with a letter in his hand he'd requested from the psych saying that the ED should be left alone for the time being because it was felt that it would be dangerous for it to be taken away from me because of the DBT, suicidal history and s/harm, and he had stated he had no experience or understanding of ED's but wanted to deal with that first? my opinion is that he could have caused more harm than good.

in all honesty i was only half hearted about recovery so i dont think it would have made any difference not long term anyway.

It sounds corny but the thought of it no longer being a part of me or my life is the most painful part of it, i am absolutely terrified of getting even fatter whenever i gain i get more and more down and if i got back to normal so called healthy weight i really think i might be a danger to myself.

At those times i have this vision of my coffin i know it sounds weird but i often picture it in my head and i envision a regular size coffin i get really anxious and upset, so then i picture a matchbox it makes me feel better and i go back to losing.

it worries me that my health is slipping again, not that im seriously ill or anything and im able to function fine, but im getting old and im aware it wont really do me any good. it's a bit of a vicious circle really thats why i get confused with it all. i guess im just weird