Cut Cut Cut

[malign]

Heather, here's a suggestion, if you won't go to the police:

Change your cellphone number.

They can do that, and then at least you won't hear from this guy again.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Dear Heather,

Please, please, please, go to the police or go to the hospital. It seems to me that you are in deep emotional trouble, not to mention your other problems. You are not responding to any of us in sensible ways.

Allan:(

[BabyGirl1992]

im ok xx..........

[BabyGirl1992]

Sue...

im ok trust me and you have nothin to be sorry for

xo

[SweetSue]

Heather,

ive just been reading your threads, in the other forums. My heart goes out to you, hun, it realy does.

You know i had to realy think about what i was going to write before i replied to you in this thread.

Do you want us to try to help support you heather, because if you do then well you need to start being open, with me, with all of us. Because unless you are prepared to do that, i dont see how we can help.

You have had a lot of people worried for you, for your health, for your safety.

I have just read your most recent comment in general support, telling us not to worry and that your sort something out.

Can you tell us how your going to sort it out. Are you going to go to the doctors ? You cant carry on like this heather.

Were all here to help support you any way we can. But you have to want our help. Other wise what is the point ?

Im sorry heather i just dont know what else to say hun.

You know where i am if you need me

your friend sue

[BabyGirl1992]

no not goin to the docs until april

the only thing can do is call the

po po's although really really don't want

to cuz hes in a gang.. sigh

ANYWAAAYY

enough about that how are you

[Mark]

All,

JessicaJane and Dr. Schwartz pointed this thread out to me this evening, and I want to comment, as there are clearly a lot of tense emotions happening here. What I have to say is "Meta", meaning I'm commenting on the entire conversation that is occuring, not just on the presenting situation. I may seem cold to some of you but that is not my intention. My hope is that I can help everyone have some perspective on this sort of situation, BabyGirl1992 included.

First, advice for BabyGirl: You've explained a situation here which involves yourself at great risk for rape and violent treatment. No one can compel you to do anything in particular here, but if you are truly at risk for being raped and assaulted, I suggest, as have many others, that you call the police and tell them about the threat, and ask their advice on how best to handle the situation. You would be wise to be writing down all the things this gang member has been saying to you, so that should some harm happen to you, there is a good record of the threats which could be useful in prosecuting him. If you are in danger, do what you need to do to get yourself out of danger. Recognize that people here are trying their best to support you, and that when you are not able to provide them with clear feedback that you've listened to what they have to say, that they are feeling panicked for you. Please try to take their feelings into account, even while you attend to your own overwhelming feelings.

Now - some perspective on the larger conversation. BabyGirl comes in here several days ago and explains that she is in danger of being raped and assaulted. She makes it known that she has cut on herself; a very sensitive topic around here which easily triggers people. There's nothing wrong in talking about cutting - that 's one of the purposes of this community, and BabyGirl is too new here to be held fully accountable for knowing all the guidelines (such as it is good form to mark any posts about cutting with a *TRIGGER* note in the title). In short, she has made herself a very sympathetic character and rallied people to her aide. People proceed, very generously, to get upset on her behalf and provide advice. Some people get so upset that they scream their advice (in huge letters). BabyGirl then withdraws a bit and doesn't provide clear updates to her status (minimizes the danger she may be in) so that people responding here feel the need to try to get her to check in again and again and to take action against this gang member. That's the rest of the thread as I see it from my detached perspective: BabyGirl presents herself in trouble, gets a lot of people upset about the trouble. Those people freak out and try to help, and she withdraws and minimzes, which only pushes people towards wanting more information. Drama ensues.

I want to suggest to all the kind and concerned people who want to help BabyGirl that you have done what you can do and are doing what you can do on an ongoing basis - and that at a certain point you have no control over what BabyGirl chooses to do with herself and you are best served by taking a breath, holding it for a moment and then exhaling slowly, calming down, and taking care of yourself for a bit too. It doesn't actually help BabyGirl if everyone here gets worked up beyond a certain point, and it may really end up hurting everyone here besides BabyGirl by increasing their own stress levels beyond what is helpful. BabyGirl has been advised as to what she can do to protect herself; she has had multiple expressions of concern. She now has to do the rest herself.

This is a very difficult and painful situation - to watch someone who is pulling for caregiving so strongly and to not be in a position to control the situation so that it has a good outcome. But the situation is exactly that we do not control the outcome here. Only BabyGirl can control the outcome, and then only so much. We can support but we cannot compel. She has to do her part, and we need some luck to happen too. Drama, though emotionally compelling, doesn't generally help heal anyone. Compassion and concern does; good carefully thought out rational advice can help, but drama does not help.

I hope I'm not sounding heartless here. I'm the only one here so far pointing out that this level of drama is not helpful, and that BabyGirl is not helpless, and by pointing this out, I suppose I run the risk of coming off sounding heartless. But I don't think this drama is helpful or empowering for BabyGirl, and I do not think that this drama is helpful for anyone else here.

Edit: correction: JessicaJane is also pointing out that this level of drama is not helpful (in her last post) but she is not using the same wording, so it took me two reads to catch on to it. I wanted to acknowledge that more than just myself is going in that direction.

Mark

Edited September 15, 2009 by Mark

[IrmaJean]

I think in essence, Babygirl, what Mark is saying is that at some point in time you will have to take a look at your situation and be proactive instead of reactive. Ultimately, your getting well has to be something that you want for yourself. I know you're under 18, but are you in school? Is there a counselor at the school who can help?

[mscat]

All,

JessicaJane and Dr. Schwartz pointed this thread out to me this evening, and I want to comment, as there are clearly a lot of tense emotions happening here. What I have to say is "Meta", meaning I'm commenting on the entire conversation that is occuring, not just on the presenting situation. I may seem cold to some of you but that is not my intention. My hope is that I can help everyone have some perspective on this sort of situation, BabyGirl1992 included.

First, advice for BabyGirl: You've explained a situation here which involves yourself at great risk for rape and violent treatment. No one can compel you to do anything in particular here, but if you are truly at risk for being raped and assaulted, I suggest, as have many others, that you call the police and tell them about the threat, and ask their advice on how best to handle the situation. You would be wise to be writing down all the things this gang member has been saying to you, so that should some harm happen to you, there is a good record of the threats which could be useful in prosecuting him. If you are in danger, do what you need to do to get yourself out of danger. Recognize that people here are trying their best to support you, and that when you are not able to provide them with clear feedback that you've listened to what they have to say, that they are feeling panicked for you. Please try to take their feelings into account, even while you attend to your own overwhelming feelings.

Now - some perspective on the larger conversation. BabyGirl comes in here several days ago and explains that she is in danger of being raped and assaulted. She makes it known that she has cut on herself; a very sensitive topic around here which easily triggers people. There's nothing wrong in talking about cutting - that 's one of the purposes of this community, and BabyGirl is too new here to be held fully accountable for knowing all the guidelines (such as it is good form to mark any posts about cutting with a *TRIGGER* note in the title). In short, she has made herself a very sympathetic character and rallied people to her aide. People proceed, very generously, to get upset on her behalf and provide advice. Some people get so upset that they scream their advice (in huge letters). BabyGirl then withdraws a bit and doesn't provide clear updates to her status (minimizes the danger she may be in) so that people responding here feel the need to try to get her to check in again and again and to take action against this gang member. That's the rest of the thread as I see it from my detached perspective: BabyGirl presents herself in trouble, gets a lot of people upset about the trouble. Those people freak out and try to help, and she withdraws and minimzes, which only pushes people towards wanting more information. Drama ensues.

I want to suggest to all the kind and concerned people who want to help BabyGirl that you have done what you can do and are doing what you can do on an ongoing basis - and that at a certain point you have no control over what BabyGirl chooses to do with herself and you are best served by taking a breath, holding it for a moment and then exhaling slowly, calming down, and taking care of yourself for a bit too. It doesn't actually help BabyGirl if everyone here gets worked up beyond a certain point, and it may really end up hurting everyone here besides BabyGirl by increasing their own stress levels beyond what is helpful. BabyGirl has been advised as to what she can do to protect herself; she has had multiple expressions of concern. She now has to do the rest herself.

This is a very difficult and painful situation - to watch someone who is pulling for caregiving so strongly and to not be in a position to control the situation so that it has a good outcome. But the situation is exactly that we do not control the outcome here. Only BabyGirl can control the outcome, and then only so much. We can support but we cannot compel. She has to do her part, and we need some luck to happen too. Drama, though emotionally compelling, doesn't generally help heal anyone. Compassion and concern does; good carefully thought out rational advice can help, but drama does not help.

I hope I'm not sounding heartless here. I'm the only one here so far pointing out that this level of drama is not helpful, and that BabyGirl is not helpless, and by pointing this out, I suppose I run the risk of coming off sounding heartless. But I don't think this drama is helpful or empowering for BabyGirl, and I do not think that this drama is helpful for anyone else here.

Edit: correction: JessicaJane is also pointing out that this level of drama is not helpful (in her last post) but she is not using the same wording, so it took me two reads to catch on to it. I wanted to acknowledge that more than just myself is going in that direction.

Mark

Thank you Mark, I did not think you were being heartless ! I pulled back on this thread because of the issue you have just pointed out. We can only do so much, then it is Babygirls decision to do what she needs to do in her own life to stay safe, and get the professional help. I've posted in one of her other threads regarding this very issue.

IMHO, I believe this thread ought to be closed down. WE have all said what we can in hopes to help Heather, now it is time to move on. Start over, and hope that Heather AKA Babygirl1992 will get the help she needs.

mscat

[I_Am_Me]

I would just like to say to you, babygirl, and anyone else self harming, before this thread gets shut down - I know some really great techniques to avoid cutting - my faveourite is squeezing ice - the release lasts much longer, and it is without the dirty depressed feeling afterwards and all the cleaning up. I get a bag of peas, or 2 ice cubes, put them in my palms and squeeze so tight!!! It hurts, boy it hurts, but it's a great alternative to actually harming. Message me if you want to know more, thinking of you.

This post is not given in the view of helping anybody harm, merely a suggestion on how to avoid actual harm, anyone who hasn't cut yet please don't do it, there are so many other ways and it's a long road back once you start. Please post or message someone before you really think about doing it.