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Way .....way beyond depressed


SweetSue

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yeah s.o.b. is in prison . he is now in his new accomadation for the next 8 years, and i really cant think of anything possitive to say about s.o.b. and his situation, except i possitivley hope the sick, twisted , monsterouse, sad, bar steward hates every second of every minute, of everyday.

i should be happy... right, the fact that justice is now served.

i should be able to just forget and move on with my life.

but im not, im a screwed up mess , that cant wait for everything to just "STOP".

wanting these bloody voices to shut up and leave me alone, wishing time would just go away, hopeing to no longer exist, no longer feel, no longer be anything, to be me no longer. and i can never forget. and dont know how to move on.

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im scared, ok

just frightened, of things that arent actually here , but at the same time they are, of these voices in my head that keep shouting at me , coz they know im gonna cave again soon if they keep it up. and im frightened that im gonna end up doing something stupid coz i cant hack being "ME".

as you can see , not really ideal parenting qualities, my children need better than that , they deserve better than "ME", they need to be with someone normal that can give them the life they are entitled to.

im just not capeable of looking after them whilst im like this, its a severe case of me being selfish, but as much as i love my babies, i think for the time being i have to walk away. no body deaerves a moma like me.

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Agreed: you can't look after them while you're like this.

Seeing and hearing things that aren't there is what the psych types call "a problem". :-P

But it means you already know what you have to do, and it's not to listen to the voices or believe the visions. Besides that, I bet you're already doing all you can to get yourself better; that's not selfish, that's a requirement. You can't be a mom if you can't be a person, first. But I think your kids deserve exactly the mom they've got: one who tries to put her own issues in order to come back a stronger better mother.

Just don't give up, and I believe you'll get there, eventually, Sue.

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Sue,

These voices, are they you telling yourself what a bad person you are? and how yuor feeling somehow responsible for all of the mess from the S.O. B. ? he's in prison , thank god, and I will say , I HOPE HE ROTS IN HELL IN THAT PRISION.

You have been through an overwhelming amount of pain, stress, and had to relive this nightmare all over again in court, seeing that monster in court, I am certain brought so much more over the top type of stress, and panic, anxiety , and nOW , voices swirling around your head telling you , negative shit about yourself, attacking you all over again from inward.

I hope you have talked to your DR, or Therapist abut the voices, and it is being addressed.

Your not pathetic , your hurting emotionally, and now have fallen over the cliff, into a state of depression. I hope that your getting the meds for depression too. I think u already are, however i do want to let you know to PLEASE try to stop beating yourself up over this !

YOUR little children are yuor babies, and they only have one mother, one mother forever. Do not lose sight of this! I have been to the other side, not raised by my biological mother, and raised by a monster foster other > I would fantasise about my real mother all the time, often trying to visualize how she looked like , and how she would just understand me, giving me a hug when I needed it the most.

Children NEVER forget their mother, You know that, and I know that your children mean the world to you!!!! They need you to be strong, dear. You WILL get through this horrific time in your life !!! You are strong, and you ARE a survivor. Your going to make it.

YOUR children need you, and love you very, very much. I know that u love them too . Things look bleek right now, this may be the lowest ,hitting rock bottom for you.

YOU need to start climbing up now, because now your at your most extreme lowest, their is nowhere else to go but to start climbing up out of this !! I know you will be able to overcome all of this, because I know you.

PLease Sue, come on now, this court mess is over, now it is time to take care of SUe, let the staff, and DR's help u out from rock bottom, and start believing in yourself.

I believe in you.

Your friend,

Cathy

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thanks cathy, thanks mark,

im just being stupid, and im stuck, i know me is not helping me, very much if at all at the moment. things are just very raw, and im all over the place. i dont like being this way, and i hate feeling like its all just caved in. i am trying though , trying to get the heck out of this p/hospital and back home, i want so desperatly to be with my babies, but not if its going to be at there cost, not sure if that makes much sense sorry, battling to get the words out. stupid me.i am a bad person, i am responsible for all this mess, i can not blame others for my thoughts , for my fears, for my actions, or for the consequences that my actions have caused. i feel it is my fault coz well i let it happen to me, i was the one that was not strong enough, was not capeable enough to not let this mess happen in the first place

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JJ, someone else hurting you is NOT your fault. It doesn't reflect on your strength as a person. Another person's harmful actions toward you are not attached to your person. You cannot control someone else's actions. You didn't deserve this, JJ. You're NOT a bad person. If you are suffering now from hearing voices in your head, this isn't something that you can turn on and off at free will. You've made a choice to try and get well. This is a positive thing. I hope that tomorrow is a bit brighter for you.

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thanks everyone, for all the support and kind words, it helps and i apprieciate what you all have said.

im trying to be strong to keep going, trying to just cling on to a possitive thought, anything, but no matter how hard i try the reminders are always there, waiting for me, telling me what a darn idiot i really am. how foolish to ever of thought i deserve any better than what i recieved, and how i bought this whole situation on myself. that i should have stopped it, and how obviously i must of wanted it to happen coz, well i just didnt try hard enough to not let it happen in the first place.

and what gives me the right to now feel sorry for myself, what gives me the right to be filled with self pitty, who the hell do i think i am, i am just a messed up freak who really does not deserve to be anywhere, anyone, or anything.

i feel so ashamed of myself. so dirty, so unclean, it dosnt matter how many baths or showers i have, or how hard i scrub , i just cant get the filth off of me, out of me. im full of evil. and i cant escape it, its in me , on me and such a big part of me, that i fear it is now me.

its a battle, and its exhausting, and no matter how much i want to give up, need to give up and long to "eia" theres a part of me that still wont allow me to do what needs to be done, the part of me that obviously hasnt finished making me suffer yet, and is quite happy to continue torturing me over and over again. i hate me, every part of me, all of me, inside and out.

and how am i trying to fight me, in my usual pathetic way, by claming up like a lemon, hideing my voice, where i can no longer find it, and letting the voices and the vultures take me over.

some role model i turned out to be for my children, guess my folks were right from day one "nothing good will ever come of that girl" and as much as it pains me to say it, i guess they were right.

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I'm sorry that your parents said such things to you. Hearing such words as a young child must have done a great deal of damage to your sense of self-worth. But words being spoken by others don't define you. It seems that you're giving others' judgments of you too much power. Maybe it's time to take the power back.

I've noticed that once you start beating yourself down, you become more and more vicious on yourself. I don't think this is really productive for your inner healing. You're clearly angry, but it seems that you have misdirected the anger toward yourself. Maybe take all of that anger and try and think of a healthier way to express it. Perhaps direct it where it should be directed. Write about your anger, but don't direct it at yourself. This is not helpful to you. You have wounds that you are pouring salt in with self-criticism. Get pissed. But don't take it out on yourself. Write it down. Concentrate on the feelings without attaching judgements to your person. Write a letter to your parents, but don't send it. Write about how it made you feel to be talked down to. Find your feelings, allow yourself your feelings, but don't attach the feelings to your person. Feelings just are. They don't define you. Keep talking to your doctors. Keep trying JJ. But no more put downs. Okay?

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Its hard, you know, to be me. To to live with the way my thought process works. You see, like everybody else, i think differently to most people. That dosnt make me unique, it makes me at times foolish, set in my ways, and a womble.

For far too long, ive been dwelling, churning the same things round and round , listening, believing whole heartedly the voices in my head, convincing me that my life is over and that nothing mattered any more, that i didnt matter.

Believing that the visions, my vultures, that live with me are waiting to take me to hell where i belong. Freaking myself out allowing myself at times to ignore advice from the doctors and nurses, here coz well at the end of the day i know who i can see, and they are just as real as the proffesionals that stood beside me.

Those things well they havnt changed, but i do try that bit harder not to do as my voices tell me, and i try not to believe that all they say is true. they are getting to me, but instead of ignoring the people here helping me, im once again fighting hard to ignore them, my voices.

I still fully believe my vultures are real, that they do exist, that they are watching me , waiting to take me into the next realm, they scare me stupid. I wish they would just back off for a while.

But i dont think that im feeling quite so sorry for myself, not quite as stuck as i once was in my self pity mode. Fighting with all i have left now, to get a grip, and hold on to dear life for all that matters ...... to me.

Im angry, very angry not so much at myself anymore, but diffenatley at them, at the vultures, at s.o.b. for doing what they did to me, for taking what didnt belong to them, for invading me and treating me in the way that they did, but mostly im annoyed at them for taking my soul and making it evil. And for making me want to die.

Well they can have my soul, they can have this body, it belongs to them now anyway.

But there is no bloody way that they are taking the most important part of me, my heart, coz that part belongs to my family, my babies.

My children are my heart, just as sure as they are a part of me, and im never, never going to let anybody tarnish the love i have for them. I am somebody, somebody that matters, not to many, but to those who count. The ones who smile when we meet, the ones that give me such joy, and the ones that fill my heart with pride each and every time they call me moma.

Things are far from ok, for me but i think i will get there in the end, or at least give a really good shot.

Maybe just maybe there is still such a thing as hope in this world, and maybe theres a bit of hope left for me after all

Take care

Jj

:):o:(:o

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well its not my voice.

how do i explain it , not really sure, i will try though,

you know when you think to yourself, and you hear your own thoughts, a bit like when your typing and you think of the words you need to put down, well its not like that.

its more a case of actually hearing, like as if you were in conversation with somebody. erm, you know the type of conversation with more than one person , like at a dinner party or something.

i have more than one voice , i have 4 sometimes 5 . i know who they are, there not very nice people, as it happens. they are very hurtful in their words, very degrading, very upsetting, extremly powerful. and at times unbearably loud, there evil.

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I don't know for sure; you're the one inside your head.

Keep in mind, I didn't say to agree with them, just asked you to tell us their names.

To me, it seems like S.O.B.: naming them, even without saying what they did, might help you put the responsibility on them, where it belongs. Instead of believing that they could somehow have tarnished your soul.

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JessicaJane,

I don’t know you, and I just registered yesterday, so excuse me if I am speaking out of line.

I have read some of your posts and the advice you give others shows me how compassionate you are. You also have a sense of humor. And HOW can anyone who has chocolate running through her veins be anything less than perfect? :(

I have some experience with trauma, loss and losing a child. I will share, briefly, that I was brutally attacked in our home, by an intruder (I know this is very different than your horror). A few years later, our infant son died at 5 months old. Impossible to live through, I thought. I didn’t know how to move forward without anger and fear. You can imagine the conversations I had with myself, how I blamed myself, and more. I played these recordings and replayed them. The recordings of what happened and what someone else believed should be my truth.

When I decided to take back my power---yes, you have the power to not allow anyone, or anything to deny you your spirit (mind you this took time). I slowly, little by little felt in control. Today I am stronger, not without some stress fractures, but stronger than I had ever hoped for. I would not have believed it then, but I am.

Jj, I am not minimizing what you’ve been through, or how impossible this all seems to you! You have the right to feel this way. You also have the right to feel joy again.

I can see that you are preparing yourself to face the hard work of being happy. You have a joy about you, even when your heart is dragging on the ground! I hope you feel proud of yourself. I am proud of you. You have and you will continue to make a difference. Carry on; there is hope for you.

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thankyou for your kindess, all of you.

i dont know how to do that, it seems impossible, there kinda really angry today. and dont know what to do to shut them up.

obviously im trying my damndest to ignore them, but there just so annoying, and so flipping loud.

the staff here are helping though and have been trying there best to calm me down all day. you know i havnt given up , i wont give up, and oh i dont know, it may be that coz i havnt proper caved yet that there just going all out for it.

i dont know anymore, its stupid and i just cant cope with the whole situation. dont know how to cope, i think im loosing it

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I really feel for you Jj, you seem to have a major battle on your hands. I believe you are stronger than you give yourself credit for though. You are a very caring loving and giving person.

Is there something that you can focus on in the future, something that you would like to be around for, like one of your children's birthdays. I know this helped me greatly when I was severely depressed, because it is very hard to see a positive future, sometimes you have to find something in the future that you will find worthwhile.

all the best

Goose

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You could be right, JJ, they could be angry because you're winning. That would be a pretty good reason to keep doing what you're doing, and leave them in the dust behind you.

You know we're here to counter what they're saying, too.

Hang in there.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi JJ and Karuna,

JJ: You say they are angry because you are winning. I suppose you mean that the "voices" are angry. Perhaps it will help you if you remind yourself that the "voices" are really your own thoughts and that part of you is angry and angry about all that has happened. If the voices are angry at you it could be because you blame yourself. When you fully recover you may come ot realize all of this on your own. We are all here to support you and want you to know that we really care.

Karuna,

Welcome to our community.

Your insight and thinking is fully welcome here and you need not apologize.

Can you tell us a little about yourself?

Allan :(

Note: For some reason my comment got posted with a red thumb down and I do not know how??? It's a big, huge OOOOOPs on my part. My intenition was THUMBS UP. PLEASE FORGIVE

Allan

Edited by ASchwartz
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allan the voices are NOT my thoughts, i happen to dissagree with them on a good day, on a bad day well thats when i cave, when a totaly agree with them.

if they were my thoughts , then why are the thoughts not in my voice ?

why is there more than one of them?

ok, im just struggling with this BIG TIME. but im trying to fight them.

its really confusing to me , so i dont expect any one else to understand either,

thanks for all the kind things you have all been saying and the words of encouragement they do help and i am trying to put as much of the advice into action, so thanks

Jj

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Allan,

I feel JJ is winning. I won the battle and the war. I no longer fear the past or the future. Getting to the point in my life where I feel that way has taken time, work and support. JJ is doing it, and she has a wonderful support system here and she is helpful to many members.

From where I left off, in this post, I lived a happy, productive, full life with the usual bumps that make life, well, life. I came to the forum, as I posted, because I was looking for some dialog about a couple of questions I asked. I have found the members to be kind, insightful and generous.

This thread is about supporting JJ through her journey. I appreciate you asking about me but, respectfully, discussing too much about myself here would not feel right.

**********

JJ, I can tell you are trying! I will give you space to breathe.

Edited by karuna
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