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Way .....way beyond depressed


SweetSue

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hi karuna, thankyou for your help

well in amongst alll this madness i actualy have a little bit of good news,

i saw the speech therapist (i think thats what she is) and well she is going to help me to remember how to talk again. i know that this probably dosnt sound like very much, but seriously to me its very important.

so even though my life really is very harsh, and damn right hard work just to keep breathing and to keep focus on the way forward, well its kind of given me a bit more hope. a bit more to cling to. just hoping that i dont let myself get too carried away and start to expect too much, coz well im trying to drag myself up again now.

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I hope you can forgive my ignorance on this, JJ, but could the voices be from your past? Allan said that they are your thoughts, but are they things you've heard others say in the past? Or perhaps it's others poor treatment of you that you have assimilated into your own inner thoughts? And now the strong part of you is trying to fight down the bad thoughts and quiet the voices forever? Maybe then your mind can be clear and you can once again find yourself. Of course, you don't have to answer any questions if you aren't comfortable with doing so.

((((JessicaJane)))) You keep fighting. I hear your strength today. Are you not able to speak? :(

We need hug smilies.

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Hi irma jean & everyone,

forgive me this is going to be a long message,

ok, for those of you that dont know, ive not been able to speak for a couple of weeks or so now, i mean not a sound, nothing, kinda cool in one respect, no one heres me sneeze anymore. Kinda wierd, but it amuses me, think thats just the kid in me.

The voices, i do know the voices, i recognise the sound of each and every one them. And yes they are from my past. Which is kinda silly really coz well its not like i would ever forget, i really dont need the constant remimder of them. I cant bring myself to talk about some of them , i cant even write the names or even think there name they are always in code.

"n" "789" "987" "s.o.b." and then theres papa, that voice ive come to terms with more than the others.

Im the youngest of 8 kids. We didnt any of us have a good childhood, papa was a very angry, violent man, and moma well she kinda encouraged him. He took his anger out on us kids. We were locked in our rooms for what seemed like days on end, we would recieve quite severe beatings if we did the slightest thing wrong, if one of us made a mess, or was considered impolite, or made any noise, oh i dont know there was always reasons.

My eldest sibblings were taken into local authority care when i was about 5 or 6. They left me and my sis with our parents because apparently my parents were capeable of careing for us. Papa sexualy abused me and sis from when i was 8 onwards, we were treated harshly. We went without the basics food, clean clothes etc. We were isolated in many respects, we were never allowed out to play like other children, we hardly ever went to school, coz well when we did go we got bullied, coz we were the smelly kids. And stood out like a saw thumb. Life with moma and papa was cruel and well, things continued in that nightmare till we eventualy left home. It screwed me and sis up big time. Especialy when we realised that this was not how normal families live there lifes. It took its toll on my precious sis, she couldnt accept what we went through and in many ways she blamed herself coz out of all the stupid reasons she could of thought of using, she blamed herself for what happened because , well because she couldnt protect me. Sis lost her battle for life some 17 years ago. She killed herself. Shes was my angel in this life and i hope she is a angel in the next realm. I hope she has found peace.

That was my childhood, my start in this world, im not proud of it, and in many ways i am ashamed, and always will be.

As for the other voices i hear, well they at this moment in time are imposible for me to talk about.

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Guest ASchwartz

Dear JJ,

Thank you for telling us about the terrible things that happened to you during your childhood and adolescence. The loss of your sister was a terrible tragedy and a huge loss for you.

I am sorry to hear that you are ashamed of your past. In my thinking you have nothing to feel ashamed about because it was not your fault. You and your sister where incredibly abused, and, to such an extent, that she committed suicide. The things that happened to you were the result of sick and abusive parents who knew no boundaries and heaped mounds of horror on top of both of you. It is common for victims to blame themselves for these things but that self blame is never deserved. You were children and needed and deserved protection, love and nurturing.

Please continue to work on getting better.

I don't remember your answer about medications: Are you taking any meds that lower the voices?

Allan

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im on loads of medication at the moment, anti physchotic, anti depressants, mood stabalisers, and stuff that calms me dowm. not sure of the names but if i remember i will ask one of the doctors here.

trying to have a good day today, but oh my, it seems this world dosnt have a clue, what a good day consists of.

been working really hard with the speech woman, and that was so frustrating and difficult. i feel so dissapointrd in myself, coz she is being really nice, and i couldnt achieve what i think she was trying to do.

still no voice, nothing. guess i will just have to try even harder next session, so she dosnt give up on me.

my section was up for review today, and well it was bad news. and its walloped me back a bit. im so dissapointed in myself.

i always let people down, even when its unintentional. what the heck am i doing that is so wrong ?

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Sue,

My heart is breaking into a million pieces , for what u have had to endure. Your childhood , no child should ever had to experience the severe trauma you have gone through.

What I like to share with u is this. OK, here it goes. the first three yrs of my life was marred by severe abuse and neglect. Mostly by the hands of my father , and a weak mother, who also had her part inthis, because she sis not protect her children. My brothers, and I are al very close in age. the parents had us one after the other. By the time I was born my mother was 21 years old, and had 2 little boys , very close in age, then me, and then a yr later anther baby. a baby boy . then they had anther baby soon thereafter. Making it to 5 babies all under the age of 5 yrs old. My mother was 23yrs old , and the father being 25. He was a big man, looked like a football player, and very tall, intimadating towards everyone. He had a violent temper.

what he wold do was to lock me/us into closets , as babies. that was how he dealt with crying babies. He also would inflict terrile acts of violence towards us babies, and their was often not food in the house either.

What I was told was that our father nearly killed a family member, at a family gathering. SO they packed us all up , and took all of us in their car. They went from one state to the other, with all of us babies, in a cramped , beat up station wagon. I remember being placed in the back of the station wagon, along with my siblings. If one of my brothers acted out, he would either throw things backs at us, hitting us in the faces , or pulling over and beating us.

Since I was the only baby girl, he was not as violent towards me, however, did lock me in the closest moreso then the boys. I'd scream and cry bloody murder, did not do much good though.

the parents were on the run from the police, because of the fathers behavior. He also had robbed gas stations, too. A very , bad man, to say the least !!!

WE ended up in the state of Washington, where his mother lived. A incident occured where the police were hot on his tail, so the parents, late at night took us babies out a window, and once more took off in the station wagon.

this time we ended up in CA. Where our mother had a aunt , who lived there .SO we were there with the aunt and parents who continued the violent , physical, emotional, neglectful , abuse. Our father did some weird shit. He would grab at my baby brothers head real hard, and push and squeeze his head , he did that a lot to my baby brother. I was little, and would react by bursting into tears, crying . My father hated that crying the most of all. So he would respond with more violence, picking me up , carrying me up the stairs, and tossing me into the closet. Yeah , I'd be screaming my head off. to no advail.

this went on an on. One day my great aunt finally had enough of this, she talked my mother into calling the authorites, and told my mother that she would be getting help, and support. that the autohorites would protect her, and us.

SO the authorites came. Well the police, CPS , did show up, and Took every single one of us away. But, the infant. My youngest brother, my father took off with the baby, in his car.

The rest of us were taken into CPS , child protective services, they found me in the closet , on that day.

My brothers and I were split up into different foster homes. I went to one home, then anther. WE were described as animal like , and had no idea how to act. we were thin , small for our ages, and my brother had a swollen belly due to malnutrion. All of us were starved. So each time we actually had food , we devoured it, making me sick , I'd throw up all the time.

I was not potty trained, at 3yrs old, and developmentally was still a little baby. I could talk though.

But was extremely baby like. and delayed. That is what happened to me the first 3yrs of my life.

the foster home I finally went to , had no other foster kids. But 3 of their own . I was the youngest one . So for a while , they were ok and nice to me. But my real parents wanted all of us back. We had to go to court a lot.

My real parents finally won custody back , to the 2older boys. SO they now had 3 of my brothers . Two oldest ones and the baby. My 2 older brothers went back to live with them at age 12 &13. My brothers were extremely damaged allready .

What happened in the foster home: well I got a little older, and was told all abou the exteme abuse, and how my real parents are bad, evil, and no good. The foster parents were of total opposite. Highly religious folks, who presented themselves as a wonderful faimly:eek: On the outside.

WEll NO !!! The foster mother began emotionally , and verbally abusing me, every day, all the time. She made it clear that I did not belong in that family , and i was no good, and could NEVER meeet her expetations. I was stupid, fat, and a very bad girl. SHe sometimes even became physical with me. grabbbing my hair , yanking it hard, while kicking me up the stairs. She also resorted to name calling, and was always way too controling , not letting ever talk to her, or anything, Her looks scared the shit out of me, and I was terrified of her.

the foster parents began to get into yelling and screaming matches because of me. the foster mother always blamed me for that too. She was a perfectionist too, so I was never ever good enough or met her expectations ever. Their is a lot more she did , but this is getting too long.

At 13 I wanted out, I began running away, I also at the age of 10 hoarded as many pills as i could , and O.D . Just the start of what I did to myself.

After anthe incident of running away , the foster father pulled my pants down , placed me over his Knee and beat me, while the foster mother watched, after the beating I was black and blue from the back legs, buttocks , and back. I was 14yrs old!

Anther incident, they found me at a friends home, they disapproved of, after taking off again, i was wearing a shirt my friend let me borrow, well they got me in the car and tore the shirt off me!

SO I was pulled out from my orginal parents home, due to abuse, and landed into anther HOME where even MOre abuse contiuned.

I took off again shortly after turning 16. I did not tell anybody , I did not dare to, but before taking off, weeks before, I was sexually assulted in High school. A male student pushed me into a maintence closet, wher eit was pitch darkk , had me pinned against the wall, covered my mouth and assulted me.

Well that messed me up badly , moreso , and after the assult, was my first esperiences with being numbed out, and to able to feel nothing anymore.

I took off after school at barely 16, and walked in front of a moving car. A counselor saw it. He is the one who drove me to a mental hospital .

I ended up staying in 3 different mental hospitals for nearly 2yrs. This is when I begun to self harm , by cutting and burning, I had also , even befor hospitaliztion, begun a Eating disorder , that dropped my weight down to 95Lbs.

I told u all this , because , I want u to feel that you are not alone!!!! Sue, we have become friends, and I firmly believe that this was no accident. No accident that we ran into each other on a fourm that sets us miles away from each other, from different countries even. Their is a reason that U and I are here, & found each other! We are friends, and I know in my heart it is because there is something that we can do to help each other, heal, and get through these extremely , traumatic experiences that we have suffered from. You and I , have been brought together , because we are both survivors!!!

WE can get though this, somehow, someway. Hope u can feel not alone anymore, I am here, and will try to help u get through this.

your friend, :(

Cathy

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Hi cathy

thankyou so much for your reply, and for sharing your experience with me. I know that it wasnt an easy thing for you to do, and i truely apprieciate the length that you went to, to help me feel less on my own, less alone.

It took a lot out of me when i posted about my childhood, think its still taking its toll now, so i seriously hope that you are alright, and that in trying to help me you have not exposed yourself to more pain.

Yes dear cathy, we have become very good friends , and i am grateful to of been given the priviledge of meeting you, in many ways we have suffered many similar experiences, and yes i do believe that over time we will become a strength for each other, our friendship may indeed help us both to heal and also trust.

I am proud to call you my friend, and i admire the person you are

please take good care

im always here for you too

sue

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Yes, I am just fine, hun. I've shared the childhood experiences before, so I am ok with it . to me , it is something that occured in my childhood, that i had no contol over. I am a adult now, and can learn to be a god parent by NOT repeating the same mistakes that these adults did to me.

I know I overcompensate being a mom to my son. If anything he has everything, and so loved, I;ll do anything for him. I also had worked as a preschool teacher , of very young children, as well as directed a infant toddler program.

I had a passion for this. Everyone knew I loved the little ones, and I was the best teacher in the whole school! not just saying that either.

I knew how a little child felt whentheir moms or dads left them, I really knew! I could calm a screaming child down faster then anybody could.

I know it was because I had been in the same real time, as being abandoned, lost, scared, and very confused. I used those skills to comfort little children all the time. I was calm , and could talk to a child so softly and reassure a child they are safe, and mommy was coming back! Boy I was good at this.

My 3 in a half yr olds, were so special . As a group we were very connected. I treated each child as a individual , and knew each childs needs. I had a bond with them.

My work hrs. were full time, my little ones would often have to stay at preschool over 10 hrs a day!

I think those terrible experiences as a child, further enriched my ability to empathise with little kids. :(

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JJ and mscat,

What you have shared is incredibly powerful and I am honored to have been able to share in this part of your life. I can only say that I wish to give you both all the support I can and let you know that I think and pray for you daily. You are both incredibly strong women.

How nice mabear, thank u for your kind words. :o

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Thankyou cathy, for your friendship and understanding.

Thankyou mabear for your support and prayers

thankyou everyone for all the kindness and on going support that you have given me. It means more than words can say

Sue,

u and I have become close friends, I cherish this, and will never foget what a powerful connection we have . Isn't it amazing that we live in different countries, and have come together here , to help each other ? I am in absolute awe. :o

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well omg,

today , heck i dont want the way i am now feeling,

thought things were getting better, thought i was going to be ok, thought that all the hard work i have been putting in was finallly paying off, well thats kinda what i thought, but guess i was wrong, so very very wrong.

want to runaway, escape from everywhere, im so scared, im trapped, trapped in myself, trapped in self distruction mode. gosh, i feel so pathetic, so broken and just want to stop

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hi finding

im not sure really. went down hill this morning and slipped up in a big way.

its set me back quite a lot, and well now im over come with guilt, guilt that i allowed to let myself cave.

and now it all just seems so hopeless coz i cant seem to not let things get on top of me. and that theres no point trying to move forward coz well i am only going to keep failing anyway.

i just want to dissapear, become invisable become free

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Negative thoughts like that probably have been with you for a longggggg time. When you are low it is reeeally hard to resist them. My therapist taught me a technique called "unblending." There are other words for it, I'm sure. The point is, that we get taken over by thoughts or feelings and become completely flooded, when actually, they are only a part of our story. Those thoughts are way too dominate right now. It got that way because things were so negative for you growing up. You did not have positive input to offset that incredible negativity. More in a second...

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Getting stuck in wet mud is a tricky survival situation out in nature. If there is no solid ground at all, you'll keep sinking, and the harder you struggle, the further you will sink and be stuck. The secret is to use your hand to work in little pockets of air between yourself and the mud... to break the suction! Once you've broken the suction, you can slide out and be free.

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"unblending" is very much like that for me. If I can take 3 breaths, as slowly and mindfully as possible, and think only about breathing and how my body feels breathing, that is a tiny pocket of space I am putting between me and the "mud" -- the negative take over. If I can do that enough, I can break the suction.

Truly, it doesn't take as much effort as you'd think. It does take doing over and over, though, because we tend to land in the mud over and over until we get a chance to build another way of living.

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There are many many other ways to unblend. Breathing is a way to start with because we always have to breathe!!

I know things are very hard for you Jj. I just want you to know we are here, and are listening. You are VERY tough to have survived so much. Anyone would need help with this trauma. Human beings aren't designed to tolerate it. :o And thank goodness.... it'd be horrible if we thought such stuff happening was OK. You need support!!!!!!

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It's a paradox. Breathing is easy... we do it 24/7. Breathing and ONLY thinking about breathing is a little bit hard at first. But start by only doing it for 3 breaths. Let empty space in. The empty space is the place of peace. Even a teensy piece of it can help. We learn to fill empty space with negative thoughts-- typically the ones we've been thinking for years. Don't let the empty space be filled up with a habit of any kind. See if you can generously allow 3 of your breaths to be as pure and empty and fully present to the moment now as you can. Stand apart from all habits for 3 breaths.

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