New -- and frustrated

[themuse]

Hi everyone. I'm new to the forum and need to release a little(bad day!). I basically feel completely stuck in my current situation and am not sure how to get out of it. I'm 22 and still live at home. I've suffered from agoraphobia for about 6 years now, but only found out about it last year. I've also only recently realized all of the emotional/psychological abuse I've suffered from my parents(like many, I was in denial).

I currently live with my mother(my father has been out of my life for a decade), and that's where most of the problems start and end. I've suspected for many years she has some sort of mental illness and have literally begged her to get help countless times, but she has her excuses(and I've given up wasting my breath by now). Since about age 13, she has slowly but surely taken almost total control of my life(I was desperate to have a relationship with her since I didn't with my father, and I excused all her behavior, giving her whatever she wanted, and unfortunately didn't realize this until the last couple years). Now, with the agoraphobia, it's even more complicated.

I'm pretty sure the only way I'll ever really recover is if I leave. Unfortunately, I don't have anywhere else to go. I haven't seen or spoken to any of my other family in more than 3 years(they're pretty horrible people themselves, and wouldn't help me anyway), so I don't have them to turn to. I only have a couple of friends, but they live back in the Northeast(and I now live in the south), and have their own struggles, and I doubt would be able to help me with my complex problems(nor do I want to burden them). I don't want to live on the streets or in a shelter since that's what brought on the agoraphobia in the first place(I was homeless from 16-18). I can't work, I have no money, and I pretty much have no help.

I have been through bad times before(being homeless, a HS dropout, suffering from depression twice) and I was able to get myself out of those things, on my own. I keep trying to tell myself that I've gotten through these things, and that's proof I can get through this, and that I didn't see the way out of those other things for a long time either but I still found a way, but there are some days where the frustration takes over to no limit, and I feel totally stuck. Today's just been one of those days.

I'm not sure if this is in the right place or not, so sorry if it isn't