Five Days, No Pills

[smallstar]

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Edited September 14, 2010 by smallstar

[malign]

Hey star,

I hope you know me well enough by now to know that my only goal is to see you healthy and happy, one day. For anybody, sixty days clean is something to celebrate, to be proud of. I know you're trying, that's why I hope you'll hear what I'm saying. I hope you understand the only reason I'm saying what I'm saying is that I'd like to help you be clean permanently. So, here goes ...

"How can you be in denial if you're not using?" Well, as I recall, your definition didn't say anything at all about using, only about lying to yourself. What other reason is there to quit an opiate blocker, except to prepare a back door for yourself "in case" you use again? You could go your whole life taking an opiate blocker and never notice the difference unless you were to ... take an opiate? So who is it you're lying to, if it's that obvious to everyone but you?

I'm not yelling; I'm keeping my long-ago promise to you. But I'm not going to beat around the bush, either.

I should fight my thoughts a little more ... I will just have to try harder, I know that I can make more of an effort.

Unfortunately, that's Thought's way of solving the problem, but if you notice, it only means that you'll think more, harder. Maybe there's something else to try? You're already exhausting yourself with the trying.

Maybe I can describe it this way: imagine yourself looking at a beautiful Fall scene, with leaves all different colors and the dark tree trunks and grey sky for contrast. The Thought response to this might be: "I certainly do enjoy a nice Autumn picture, where you can see each leaf is a different shade of red, orange, or yellow." There are lots of names in Thought. Each name is an abstraction, a word instead of the thing. Thought is very precise, and it's also quite certain that it's "right".

But there's another part of the brain, and it's reaction could probably be summed up as : "Ooooooo ...."

Now, Thought has very little patience with this part of the brain. This part isn't rigorous or accurate; in short, it doesn't communicate with words at all. This makes Thought feel very superior, as if the other part is stupid or useless; basically, a waste of time.

But just try to draw or paint with Thought alone. Just try to imagine a new solution to an old problem, or any problem that isn't completely obvious the way an accounting problem would be, for you. Thought has a much harder time with being creative; anything tougher than linear application of logic is too much for it.

But the other part of your mind is where you suddenly get inspiration, where you finally see how things fit together, with a blinding flash that leaves you feeling like you just learned something you already knew.

And it's not as hard to reach that part as you think; that is, as Thought makes you believe. All you really have to do is to silence that little voice of Thought that's continually running through your head. There are many ways: breathing and meditations, artwork, sitting quietly in Nature. You do have to make an effort, not to think about thinking less, but simply an effort to stop, for a while. Don't worry: you won't have any trouble starting up again later. ;-)

You need to try something different, starlight. Trying the same old thing only harder isn't working.

[smallstar]

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Edited August 31, 2010 by smallstar

[malign]

Maybe, doing it because it's "right" isn't a good enough reason.

Maybe the decision will have to wait until you see that getting clean isn't right or wrong, it's just the only thing that will keep you alive.

Thought makes things "right" or "wrong"; it judges.

The other thing, call it Intuition if Thought needs a name for it, ... the other thing wants to live and knows death in a pill bottle when it sees it.

Perhaps you're hanging out with the wrong part of your brain.

I'm glad you understand that I care about you. :-)

[smallstar]

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Edited August 31, 2010 by smallstar

[malign]

Mmmm, I'm sure Thought thinks that no one else can handle the world except it.

But as I pointed out, there are facets of the world that Thought doesn't handle well, particularly problem-solving of a non-linear sort. But that's not at all the same as fantasy, or unreality. There _is_ a little giving up control, but it's not you giving up control, it's Thought. "You" are also Intuition; "You" own both of them, you contain both of them. "You" have thoughts, but Thought is not "You".

And who else has control over your brain? ;-) Seriously, you've never given yourself a chance, before, but your brain isn't running this show, you are.

The activities that we have suggested for you, like artwork, may seem unrelated to your problems, but those suggestions are only so that Thought won't follow you there. You can go into your intuitive self and put it to work on real things, but only by not thinking about those things, and that's hard to do, at first, for someone who thinks as much as you do.

[smallstar]

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Edited August 31, 2010 by smallstar

[malign]

It's a matter of us using different definitions.

I'm trying to reserve the word "thinking" for that voice-in-your-head, wordy verbal "train of thought". You're using it for any brain activity.

What I'm saying is that there is brain activity that doesn't use words. That brain activity is still doing something when the words stop.

For me, for a long time, I thought that the voice of words in my head was Me, the only identity I had. {Of course, thinking tries to reinforce this idea, because thinking is all that _it_ is conscious of.} It's no coincidence that a thinker came up with the words "I think, therefore I am."

But who is it who knows that you think? I imagine that if what we are were all thought, then we would be completely unaware of a lack of thought, ever. Yet there's someone inside who can see that we're thinking, and that we're thinking differently at different times.

That person is you, and that person has a measure of control over what gets thought, and even over whether thought gets to make the decisions.

[smallstar]

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Edited September 14, 2010 by smallstar

[smallstar]

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Edited September 14, 2010 by smallstar

[Catmom]

The idea that it doesn't matter if you use or not is just the lies that the addiction is telling you. The longer you go without using, the clearer your thinking will become.

It is up to you to look at the lies and expose them for what they are.

You can do this!

Catmom

P.S. One of the greatest lessons I have learned since I stopped abusing drugs is that no matter what my feelings are, they are NOT a 911 emergency that are to be escaped at any cost. Sometimes we all just have to suffer for awhile. It will be temporary. The idea that it is permanent is another lie your addiction is telling you to get you to keep it fat and happy with drugs.

Edited September 8, 2010 by Catmom

[smallstar]

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Edited September 14, 2010 by smallstar

[Lindamomof7]

Hang in there Star, come on your strong!!!

[smallstar]

How do you not use when someone is offering to drop it off where you are, for free????? The longer it's in my head the better it sounds but I also feel so sick to my stomach, this is so messed up right now

[malign]

You cut people who make such offers out of your life, starry.

They're not worth it.

[smallstar]

I've cut him out a million t imes he keeps coming back, whatever it's just what it is

[Catmom]

I've cut him out a million t imes he keeps coming back, whatever it's just what it is

Sounds like you chose to give in to the addiction, smallstar. When you decide you've had enough & mean it, you will keep this negative person out of your life.

Catmom

[smallstar]

Actually, I never wrote what I chose so no, I didn't choose to give into the addiction. As of this particular moment I have given into nothing. Today is 101 days. Can't speak for future moments and I don't have to. This is difficult enough minute to minute, the future is meaningless.

[finding my way]

Happy 102 days, starry!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[smallstar]

thank you finding

I think it's pretty cool the number is over 100 now :eek:

[Luna-]

Hey, 'well done' from me, too, smallstar! The number 100 is so nice and round and that's a lot of days.

[smallstar]

thank you luna

It is alot of days.

I still haven't found a replacement. My parents seem to think working me to deatth is a good replacement, it's not.

[Catmom]

How do you not use when someone is offering to drop it off where you are, for free????? The longer it's in my head the better it sounds but I also feel so sick to my stomach, this is so messed up right now

Okay I am puzzled. You asked how do you not use but apparently you already know the answer to this since you say you did not use. :confused: Your post and the one subsequent to it implied that you had given in to the addiction.

Anyway, congrats on your clean time! Well done. It does get better with time and it sounds like you are staying busy, which is a good thing.

Catmom

[smallstar]

thank you catmom. I was confused myself when I wrote that post. I hadn't received it yet, I was just offered. I was upset about it because I felt I had no control, I couldn't say no. But it never happened so now it's 102 days.

[smallstar]

forty seven days :D