Need to Vent

[Loralei]

I am so angry and bewildered now, I don't know what to do. I am a single mother and have a teenage son. He has mental health issues (ADHD, anger problems, and so on) The problem is, I also have issues - depression mainly. I spend so much time getting my son help and putting out fires he has created, that I don't have time to take care of myself. I have taken off work so much to take him to therapy, juvenile court, in-patient treatment 150 miles away, and am attending a parenting class for destructive kids. He recently broke out several windows in my apt (of which I am asst mgr of) and also broke his hand hitting a wall. Had to take off work for that. Today he cracked his cast open and when I asked him about it he just nonchantally said he hit a wall to see how hard the cast was. I am just alternately praying and cursing. Whichever one helps, I'll take it. I feel so alone and overwhelmed. I used to laugh at the parents on talk shows who said they were afraid of their own child. But now I am so sorry I felt that way. I have begged mental health professionals and the juvenile probation officer to help me out with him. I often sleep with my bedroom door locked because he just creeps me out sometimes. I think he actually enjoys the thought that I am suffering emotionally - like it's some kind of revenge for me disciplining him - ie, taking privileges away and being grounded for various behaviors. I literally am afraid to go to sleep sometimes, because I don't know if he will be at home when I wake up.

I need some help myself, but I have to keep my job, and just don't know how to handle this anymore. Anyone out there have something helpful for me? I mean, I am desperate to know if anyone out there has been through something like this, and if so how they made it out alive and in at least fair mental health condition?