Bring me solutions! Not problems!

[Guest ASchwartz]

The offending cartoon was deleted because of the graphic depiction of suicide. We have definite guidelines and rules about such things. It is imporper to discuss specific means of suicide and self injury that are graphic and could wrongly and possibly incite others to these acts.

You are free to express anger at me about my action but I did what I thought was right.

It is OK to say something like, "This issue has me so upset that I want to kill myself." However, it is wrong and not permissable to be so specific as to show it in a photo, picture or specific and graphic description.

Allan:(

[malign]

Well, back to ND -

Yeah, I want to add to what Beth said: you're pretty courageous to keep trying, like you are, and I think anyone reading can respect that.

Personally, as a guy, if someone told me that someone I knew was "small", my first reaction would be "how do you know?" and the second would be "why would you care?" It wouldn't occur to me for an instant to laugh at the target of that. I've been the one who was made fun of, for other reasons, way too often to join in. I think you'd find that was true of most grown men, in fact. It's the guys who never mature who need to laugh at someone else.

Just a bit of feedback about what other guys really think, not what you imagine they're thinking.

[Recluse]

23453425342532452345

Edited January 11, 2010 by Recluse

[lifeless existence]

----------

Edited January 10, 2010 by lifeless existence

[Recluse]

Lifeless, I could not have said it better myself.

[curtailed]

-------------------------

Edited March 23, 2010 by curtailed

[IrmaJean]

Nearlydead nailed it with these two paragraphs. Having a small penis strikes at the very core of our being. It's completely emasculating. I don't even feel like a man because I'm small. I have no value for penetrative sex. That's not a man. Men have penises that women enjoy during sex. I'm just a mass of wasted male genes.

LE, this is what I mean about hurting yourself. It is painful when you talk about yourself this way. I understand that this belief strikes at the core of your being. I'm really sorry that it is so very painful. I'm not sure what else to say at the moment but that your beliefs about this are simply NOT true. Being a man, to me, means being true to yourself and honoring the person that you are inside.

I know my situation doesn't compare to any of yours, but I spent my youth feeling sexually inadequate and have felt the pain of rejection many, many times. Then I met my husband and he has been my one and only. No other boyfriends. And then I suddenly lost my ability to achieve orgasm (I can't believe I'm talking about this by the way). I was so completely ashamed about this that I didn't even tell my husband for 7 full years. I had several doctors try to tell me it was discord in the marriage, stress etc. etc. until finally one verified that this had happened as a result of physical injury from childbirth. It was something that just happened and it was beyond my control... so I then had to work on accepting this fact. I thought if I told my husband it would ruin things for him. I thought he would think less of me, that he wouldn't want me...that I was broken....damaged goods...all of these things. I know now that this one aspect of myself does not make me less of a woman. I know that inside I have all of the very things that make me the woman that I am and that this occurrence did not change any of that. I'm still me and this doesn't make me who I am.

I don't know if any of that is helpful to hear. I am hoping that maybe it is. I know it is extremely difficult to loosen such engrained beliefs, but these beliefs are controlling your lives and causing all of you pain. And they are simply NOT true. I hope that all of you will consider keeping your mind open to other possibilities.

Edited December 18, 2009 by IrmaJean

[nearlydead]

Irma said: So what it is you're saying is that your person feels small?

Sort of. I think I mean when I show myself to a woman for the first time, I am showing them the worst bit of me, both physically and mentally, even though I keep the mental anguish from showing, my heart races along with my thoughts (CBT Automatic thoughts) which are along the lines of "she's seen it, whats she thinking, she knows" all the thoughts are fearfull.

When I was active, and successfull with women my persona was a macho, confident, rough diamond type. At 16 ish I decided since all my mates were taking the mickey out of me I would date more, fuck more and do it with the prettiest girls. It was this stratergy that led to my success with women. But with every success there was the intense shame of what I had to expose of myself. Fuck, I think this is the toll I have paid for others approval. There's more here....

I hear you, ND, but I want you to try and identify what feelings around the size of your penis in actuality make you who you are. It's about the feelings behind this more than the actual size. What feelings within yourself would having a bigger penis arouse? Say tomorrow, doctors came up with surgery that could safely lengthen your penis. And let's say you went and had this surgery done and very suddenly felt better about yourself. Do you think those feelings would have been contained in a mass of tissue or do you think they would in reality come from within you? What is inside you is you.

I'm not sure on this, If there was an op I could have the confidence my persona demands/portrays, I would not have that moment of shame with women, or have to deal with the dissaproval of peers. I understand my thoughts create my feelings, but I have a small penis, women and my peer's know it is small. I cannot "think" my penis is normal, because it evidently isn't. I have lived with this for 30+years, it is part of me, part of my personality. I developed my persona as a way to deal with/hide it. It has defined my entire life. In this sense I am my penis and my penis is me. I think all men think this way to a degree, thats why some of the bigger or average guys have an innate sense of confidence in this area, and life.

You have identified something very important here. Now I want you to think about how and why you feel the size of your penis is tied to these beliefs. What is having good character to you? What perceptions do you have about "manliness"?

Manliness from my father and my upbringing and neighbourhood equates to phsyically powerful, a strong handshake, ability to fight, to provide, to protect, to be seen as top dog or at least a dog with teeth, courage. Thats the image I have lived up to, but the penis is such a powerful part of that. A part of me that is a lie. Its actually a very juvenile image of what it means to be a man.

[IrmaJean]

The following is something that I wrote in trying to explain to someone how to change deeply engrained inner beliefs which are false. I thought it might be helpful.

I think the key is awareness. First you have to dig out the belief, identify it and bring it out into the light. Expose it and then explore it. Take a long, hard look at it. Where does this belief originate from and why? What feelings are around it and what do those feelings reveal? Why is it important? What does it mean? For me it was feeling unimportant, which in turn had created a poor sense of self-worth. In answering all of the above questions, I began to understand the falsehood of this perception in my brain. Now I am very aware of that feeling and my responses to it. So whenever the feeling pops up now, I can stop it right in its tracks. Such as this past year when not a single family member remembered my birthday and I started getting that awful feeling. But then I became aware that the deeper pain with this was old pain based on false perceived truths from my past. As far as replacing the old beliefs with new ones, well that can be challenging. What you're doing in essence is allowing new experiences and new feelings...the true you...to fill in the voids of the old, painful and untrue ones. Sometimes this can be painful and even conflicting. It isn't what you're used to it, so it feels different. But being aware of this makes it a bit easier. The new truths slowly erase the old untruths as you begin to see yourself in positive new ways.

Now back to ND.

When I was active, and successfull with women my persona was a macho, confident, rough diamond type. At 16 ish I decided since all my mates were taking the mickey out of me I would date more, fuck more and do it with the prettiest girls. It was this stratergy that led to my success with women. But with every success there was the intense shame of what I had to expose of myself. Fuck, I think this is the toll I have paid for others approval. There's more here....

So you believe this behavior of trying to have sex with lots of women was a method you used to gain the approval of others? And that it demeaned you? You say you felt shame. Try and figure out where that shame comes from and what it means.

I also wonder why the approval of others holds such great weight with you. ND, you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but were you put down as a child by your parents? We're digging here and sometimes when you dig a lot of stuff comes up that you might not expect. When you say there's more here with this, I'd like you to think about what that is.

I'm not sure on this, If there was an op I could have the confidence my persona demands/portrays, I would not have that moment of shame with women, or have to deal with the dissaproval of peers.

You speak of your "personna". Is that personna really you or is it who you believe others want you to be? Why such a strong need for others' approval? Is it all in an attempt to fight back the "small" that is engrained so deeply in your mind?

I cannot "think" my penis is normal, because it evidently isn't. I have lived with this for 30+years, it is part of me, part of my personality. I developed my persona as a way to deal with/hide it. It has defined my entire life. In this sense I am my penis and my penis is me. I think all men think this way to a degree, thats why some of the bigger or average guys have an innate sense of confidence in this area, and life.

But that confidence doesn't come from the actual size, ND. It comes from the way they feel about the size and, more importantly, themselves. It's very true that you can't change the size of your penis. But you can change the way you feel about the size of it. You can also detach it from the hold it has on your sense of self-worth. Your penis isn't you, ND. It' simply a part of you much the same as an arm or a leg. I know just saying that won't alter your beliefs, but I think you have taken a very important step here in identifying the false belief and bringing it out in the light to explore.

Manliness from my father and my upbringing and neighbourhood equates to phsyically powerful, a strong handshake, ability to fight, to provide, to protect, to be seen as top dog or at least a dog with teeth, courage. Thats the image I have lived up to, but the penis is such a powerful part of that. A part of me that is a lie. Its actually a very juvenile image of what it means to be a man.

You are right. It is very juvenile. It sounds to me almost as if you are "playing an act" to live up to that image. A random thought here but...could you be trying to be the man your father wanted you to be? What about the real you? Doesn't he deserve to be seen and to express himself?

I guess I ask a lot of questions. Hopefully it isn't too overwhelming. You're moving in a positive direction with this. You're doing great, ND.

[Wisdom]

I think I can speak for most women. A man is known and respected by his CHARACTER and not his penis size. A woman typically has a difficult time accepting a penis as large as 6 inches. Her vagina is typically not enlarged unless full arroused (if at all) or during childbirth. Wide girth is bound to rip her apart or even tear her. It's downright painful

A man shouldn't give a shit what size he is. There are so many things that he can do that a man of large penis can't do.............. Women like more than just intercourse. They like the physical warmth and the tenderness of sex. They like the intimate conversation. Not all sex needs to lead to intercourse. Alot of women are turned off tothat knowing clse intimacy will lead to sex. There are other things to do. I don't know of one women I have chatted with that like a large penis. It's like shoving a square peg into a round hole.We are not made that way. Most women do not have large breasts........... or sizable butt. But we dont go into hiding if we don't nor does it afect their self esteeme

Men are too focused on their private matters and not enough on his partner. I'd take a 4 inch anyday over a 6 inch.

Thanks

Edited December 19, 2009 by Wisdom

[nearlydead]

So you believe this behavior of trying to have sex with lots of women was a method you used to gain the approval of others? And that it demeaned you? You say you felt shame. Try and figure out where that shame comes from and what it means.

The approval of my peers, but equally in an effort to prove to myself that I was not useless, an effort not to let being small beat me. The demeaning and shameful/fearful part is when I show it to a woman for the first time. Firstly what they will think themselves, then what they might say about it, then who they will tell. How would you feel if your problem became known to all your friends, colleagues. That people would talk about you to your face and behind your back?

My parents never put me down, but my father was always adamant that no one should get away with putting me down either. The blame for who I am is not on them.

You speak of your "personna". Is that personna really you or is it who you believe others want you to be? Why such a strong need for others' approval? Is it all in an attempt to fight back the "small" that is engrained so deeply in your mind?

Beginning of secondary school at the age of 10/11 I had an operation to push down an undescended testicle. A rumour started at school that I had had my balls cuts off, my nickname became "Only No Kenobi" (Think Star Wars), then the school merged with a girls school, at 13 I was debagged in front of some girls and they all said I was small (I had not even begun puberty) I was a small kid who did not start puberty untill I was around 16. So from the age of 11 through to around 16 I got badly bullied verbally and physically by both girls and boys about my genitals, being that everybody thought I was small and had no balls. I took this bullying without being able to tell anyone, I let people put me down for 5 years. I had suicidal thoughts from a pretty early age because of all this. Then one day the bullying stopped when I snapped and truly went insane. I stabbed supposedly the hardest kid in school with a chisel one month before I was due to leave school. This is when I went to the young offenders prison. It used to be called Borstal. The regime there was known as "a short sharp shock" The schock was violence deliverd by both inmates and screws. I took a few beatings, but when I left at about 17 I had a reputation as not to be messed with. I have put lifelong scars on other men. Outside I got into the football scene, I was an active member of the ICF which led to a further term in an adult jail (a walk in the park compared with borstal). In the middle of that I lost my virginity at 19, the 3rd girl I slept with commented "you only have a little one dont you" confirming all those years of worry. That was the way it was through to about 30 when I just got tired of my life and went travelling, becomming a Scuba Instructor social life no2. No more voilence, but still more women with big mouths. Then back to the UK social life no3. That lasted 3 years before a woman humiliated me in front of a packed pub of newish friends and strangers. That bitch will never know how close she was to getting killed. I walked out of that pub and have been a recluse ever since. 4"X4" a scar on my grion, impotence, and now requiring circumcission. The put downs are there, the persona had to change from weak kid to moron.

The good news is I found pound coin down the back of the sofa wednesday nite:rolleyes:

I can change how I think about my penis, changing how I feel about my penis is a far harder battle to win, because all the above negativity is as a direct result of being and having a small penis.

[Recluse]

23453453453455

Edited January 11, 2010 by Recluse

[IrmaJean]

The approval of my peers, but equally in an effort to prove to myself that I was not useless, an effort not to let being small beat me. The demeaning and shameful/fearful part is when I show it to a woman for the first time. Firstly what they will think themselves, then what they might say about it, then who they will tell. How would you feel if your problem became known to all your friends, colleagues. That people would talk about you to your face and behind your back?

I'm sure I would feel embarrassed, but I think any past shame I've felt from this is gone now. I really hate thinking that you are feeling shame about a part of yourself.

My parents never put me down, but my father was always adamant that no one should get away with putting me down either. The blame for who I am is not on them.

I'm really glad that your parents never put you down. I would never ever assess blame on anyone for your difficulties. The idea is to look at everything in an attempt to understand where things are coming from. So I was searching some with that.

Beginning of secondary school at the age of 10/11 I had an operation to push down an undescended testicle. A rumour started at school that I had had my balls cuts off, my nickname became "Only No Kenobi" (Think Star Wars), then the school merged with a girls school, at 13 I was debagged in front of some girls and they all said I was small (I had not even begun puberty) I was a small kid who did not start puberty untill I was around 16. So from the age of 11 through to around 16 I got badly bullied verbally and physically by both girls and boys about my genitals, being that everybody thought I was small and had no balls. I took this bullying without being able to tell anyone, I let people put me down for 5 years. I had suicidal thoughts from a pretty early age because of all this. Then one day the bullying stopped when I snapped and truly went insane. I stabbed supposedly the hardest kid in school with a chisel one month before I was due to leave school. This is when I went to the young offenders prison. It used to be called Borstal. The regime there was known as "a short sharp shock" The schock was violence deliverd by both inmates and screws. I took a few beatings, but when I left at about 17 I had a reputation as not to be messed with. I have put lifelong scars on other men. Outside I got into the football scene, I was an active member of the ICF which led to a further term in an adult jail (a walk in the park compared with borstal). In the middle of that I lost my virginity at 19, the 3rd girl I slept with commented "you only have a little one dont you" confirming all those years of worry. That was the way it was through to about 30 when I just got tired of my life and went travelling, becomming a Scuba Instructor social life no2. No more voilence, but still more women with big mouths. Then back to the UK social life no3. That lasted 3 years before a woman humiliated me in front of a packed pub of newish friends and strangers. That bitch will never know how close she was to getting killed. I walked out of that pub and have been a recluse ever since. 4"X4" a scar on my grion, impotence, and now requiring circumcission. The put downs are there, the persona had to change from weak kid to moron.

The good news is I found pound coin down the back of the sofa wednesday nite:rolleyes:

Unquestionably, you've been through a lot, ND, and have had to deal with much cruel behavior and teasing over the years. I'm very sorry about that. Are those school years still very painful to you?

I can change how I think about my penis, changing how I feel about my penis is a far harder battle to win, because all the above negativity is as a direct result of being and having a small penis.

It is my hope that you will accept it as a part of yourself, but not think of it as something which defines your whole self. The negativity affects you so much because of the way the negativity makes you feel. The pain, ND, is in those feelings. Maybe try taking things a little at a time. Changing your thinking might be a positive step toward eventually changing your feelings.

[nearlydead]

Are those school years still very painful to you?

No more than any of the rest of the years, its 30+ years and counting. There are still people I would like to get even with though. But I dont think about them much. I've been using the Burns list of distorted thinking to try and let go of some of my favorite negative thoughts. I think with my depression there is and element of mashochism. I've been depressed so long, I sometimes think I like it.

Changing your thinking might be a positive step toward eventually changing your feelings.

That is the whole basis of the Burns CBT thing. Going down this route is the only way any of us can make any changes.

"I think, therefore I am"

"nothing is good nor bad, except when thinking makes it so"

"If you say you cannot you are right. If you say you can, maybe you are right"

I am reading Burns and re-reading it. I dont understand it, but bits of it are making some sense, as I recognise my distorted thoughts, and those of Rec and LL. We are all talking the same shit, just different story's.

[IrmaJean]

I think with my depression there is and element of mashochism. I've been depressed so long, I sometimes think I like it.

I'm wondering what you mean by that. What of being depressed do you like? Did you mean that this way of living has become so familiar to you that the thought of change is somewhat disconcerting? I can definitely relate to that. Change is never easy, but it's great that you are trying.

We are all talking the same shit, just different story's.

Yes, sometimes I find myself uncomfortable when any of you repeat the same painful thinking over and over again. It is very important to acknowledge your feelings and to feel free to express what you have been experiencing, but saying it repeatedly may also reinforce it. And that can be a way of giving those painful feelings more power. I don't want any of you engulfed by them.

Keep on trying, ND.

[nearlydead]

I'm wondering what you mean by that. What of being depressed do you like? Did you mean that this way of living has become so familiar to you that the thought of change is somewhat disconcerting? I can definitely relate to that. Change is never easy, but it's great that you are trying.

I feel very guilty about how my life has gone, especially how I have wasted the last 10 years doing absolutely nothing. Beating myself up with negative labels, behaviours like procratinating, eating badly etc sometimes I do these things because I deserve them. I know its stupid. One of the major components of depression is rigid thinking patterns, this is especially true of myself, sometimes I have the same thoughts over and over again, usually around my favourtie subjects. Something I have managed to change recently for the better.

I have been using the ecercises on this site for the last month or so. Just getting my sleep patterns back in snyc was a biggy that worked well for me. Check out the link below.

http://www.livinglifetothefull.com/

Clic on the "introduction module under the picture....

[IrmaJean]

I feel very guilty about how my life has gone, especially how I have wasted the last 10 years doing absolutely nothing. Beating myself up with negative labels, behaviours like procratinating, eating badly etc sometimes I do these things because I deserve them.

You are unhappy (angry?) with yourself for the direction you have taken with your life? What do you mean when you say you deserve these behaviors? Are you punishing yourself for having wasted time? It's true that time which has past can't ever be retrieved, but you can make the most of what is to come. Maybe start by giving yourself a break for past mistakes. Forgive yourself, treat yourself with kindness and respect and look toward tomorrow. There is always much promise in tomorrow. All easier said than done, I know, but little steps forward will take you down the path.

One of the major components of depression is rigid thinking patterns, this is especially true of myself, sometimes I have the same thoughts over and over again, usually around my favourtie subjects. Something I have managed to change recently for the better.

Well, that is great to hear.

Do you have hobbies or things that you do in your free time which give you pleasure? I've dealt with my fair share of obsessive thought patterns too. It can be a very challenging thing to turn down sometimes. I hope you keep moving in a positive direction with this.

I have been using the ecercises on this site for the last month or so. Just getting my sleep patterns back in snyc was a biggy that worked well for me. Check out the link below.

Good for you, ND. I will check out this link.

[nearlydead]

Merry Christmas?

[Recluse]

232535235345

Edited January 11, 2010 by Recluse

[lifeless existence]

----------

Edited January 10, 2010 by lifeless existence

[curtailed]

Checked this. Insecurity [wikipedia].

Also: Could insecurity be the secret to CEOs' success?

I just realized nothing in my life makes sense if my greatest insecurity was simply taken away from me. Lifted. If my greatest fear and burden was lifted from me... None of it. I simply wouldn't be the guy I am. It's ... breath-taking.

Edited December 29, 2009 by curtailed

[IrmaJean]

How would you feel if your problem became known to all your friends, colleagues. That people would talk about you to your face and behind your back?

Something came to mind today in reference to this question ND asked me a few weeks ago. I thought I'd toss it out here as something to potentially consider. I was thinking about about how mocking can be painful and why. During my school years, if a guy ever made reference to my being unattractive, this was extremely painful...a cut to the core kind of hurt. But if someone now made derogatory comments about me concerning my sexual issue, I don't believe this would phase me very much. When I think of the "why" behind that, it makes me consider that any mean-spirited comments by another wouldn't hold much weight because I know they aren't true. But back in high school all of those comments about my appearance hurt because I truly believed them to be the truth. The teasing reinforces what you may already think, fear, believe and feel about yourself. So it's as if your faults have been exposed to the world, your shame revealed.

My point in all of this would be that the painful beliefs about yourself, in reality, come from within yourself. Someone else saying it just brings the fears and insecurities home. Once you alter the false beliefs you have about yourself, others' opinions won't carry so much weight or hurt so much. Once your truth becomes a reality to you, the false perceptions of others don't mean much of anything. Don't know if any of that makes any sense, but was just something that occurred to me on my drive to work this AM. Food for thought, perhaps?

I wanted to clarify that the root of those painful beliefs probably have something to do with deeper issues from your past, but once they are ingrained you come to believe in their validity. And once you are able to detach these falsehoods from yourself, words from others lose their sting.

I keep editing this and so it may be a bit of my rambling. I apologize for that, but I want to make sure I'm being clear with what I'm trying to say. Obviously none of us are born with bad feelings about ourselves and these feelings have to come from somewhere. But whatever negative feelings have become already ingrained may then be reinforced by the comments of others. If we have come to truly believe in these painful feelings, the words of others are extremely hurtful. So changing that belief about yourself is the key (which I think many of you already knew), and the rest will then eventually follow. Hopefully I'm making some sense with this. It was a new thought and one that has been evolving throughout the day with me so is probably a bit scrambled right now.

Edited January 10, 2010 by IrmaJean