3 years after sexual abuse, should I tell my mother?

[missrose]

Hello, i'm a 20 year old college student. I suffered from sexual abuse from my stepfather when I was 16 -18 years old. I have a lot to talk about, but I don't know who to go to. I honestly don't even know where to start because so much has happened in just a couple of years. When I was around the age of 12 my best friends' mother came up to me and said she wanted to have a word with me. What she said changed the way I looked at my step-father for awhile. She put it in a way that I would understad, she simply asked if my stepfather had a "crush" on me. Being so young I really didn't know how to respond to this, so of course I said "No I don't think so?" But it still always made me think. As I got older he gave me a harder time about going out with my friends. My first boyfriend gave me a ring when I was 16 and my stepfather refused to let me wear the ring. I was confused as to why he wouldn't let me wear it, as were my sisters. Not long after that he said he wanted to take me on a vacation to Cocoa Beach. I thought it was a great idea because i'd always heard such wonderful things about the area. The first time I was sexually abused was on this vacation. He said it was okay and that it was normal and that other fathers do it to their daughters all the time. It was brief, but boy did it leave an impact on me . . . I joined dance programs and drama programs at school to keep me occupied and more importantly to keep me from being home. On days when nothing would be going on with one of my clubs I would have to come right home (I was never allowed to go out anywhere after school). What happened when i'd get home is rather disturbing. Whenever I tried to get away from him or say no he became extremely mad. He'd become so upset and almost make me feel guilty or bad for saying no. This happened 3 times a week, sometimes everyday. I'd beg my mom to stay home from work and she never understood why. As time progressed the abuse got worse. I'd rather not talk about what I had to do or what was done to me because I feel asahmed and embarassed. I remember being in an airport waiting to visit my sister in New York. A case came on the news about a daughter being raped by her father. As I was watching the T.V. my friend told me that I could be one of those girls one day if I didnt get out of the house (most of my friends and my sisters saw how sick he was). All I could think in my head was how I am one of those girls. It killed me not to be able to say anything. I recently told my boyfriend of 1 year most of what happened in those 2 years. My niece will be visiting in a few weeks and my stepfather would have to babysit her. I knew it was time to tell my sister because I didn't want my niece to suffer in a way that I do to this day. After telling my boyfriend it gave me the courage to speak to my oldest sister (the mother of my niece) about what had happened. I couldn't bring myself to tell them everything because of the embarassment I feel. Now brings the important question i've been contemplating these past couple of days. Whenever I told him i'd tell my mother what was going on he said he would tell her it was my fault. He always said it was just as much my fault as it is his. Is this is way of taking the guilt off himself? Do I tell my mother or keep it a secret forever? She's always been very fond of him, trusting his every word. I'm afraid she won't believe me and that's my biggest fear at the moment. I'll be moving out as soon as possible, within the next month. I'm really afraid about what will happen if I decide to tell my mother. If you're reading this i'd love to hear some advice. Thanks in advance for the responses and advice.

[Mark]

MissRose,

This is such a hard subject to talk about. It is very good that you are starting to want to talk about it. Talking about it is part of the healing process.

Coming to terms with what you've had to endure is a process of emerging from shame. You're embarrassed and ashamed of what happened. Embarrassed that it happened - that you're one of those "raped girls". Concerned that it was something you caused. If you even half believe that sort of thing, you would also have to be thinking that there must be something deeply wrong with you to have caused such a thing. Implanting this sort of belief into you is what an abuser wants to do, because it paralyzes you and keeps you pliable so you continue to be easily abusable. Whether your step father did this consciously or not I cannot say - but it is a great tactic to use to control people. Please read my essay on shame for more about how it works.

Whenever I told him i'd tell my mother what was going on he said he would tell her it was my fault. He always said it was just as much my fault as it is his. Is this is way of taking the guilt off himself?

This is a shame tactic. He tells you that you caused the rape - you believe him and start questioning yourself. This paralyzes you and you don't take steps to reveal what is happening. He gets to keep doing his raping. It is a way of controling you.

Your step father is a child rapist and a criminal, essentially. It is hard to say whether he would go after your niece, but we can at least say that the chances of that are much better than the chances of someone who isn't a known child rapist doing such a thing. Under the circumstances, it seems very prudent to alert your sister so that she can protect your niece. Anyone who is the parent of a female child around this man ought to know about the danger, really. The danger is great, and the consequences of that danger are very real, as you well know.

I can appreciate you not wanting to tell your mother what happened. It will surely rock her boat. It may very well cause her to polarize in her relationships, either with you, with her husband or with both of you. Some women are so in denial about what their husbands have done that they attack their daughter. Others distance themselves from their husband. There is no way to know what will happen. Myself, I think in most cases of this sort, it is best to let the truth come out and let the chips fall as they may. This is becuase it will be very difficult to tell some people (who really NEED to know) without others finding out sooner or later. Might as well tell everyone. But I can appreciate how emotionally painful such an admission could be. Whether or not to tell your mother (and take on the risks that such an admission may entail) needs to be up to you.

What sort of work does your stepfather do? Does he work with children? Is there a chance that he might have the opportunity through his work to victimize someone else? For instance, is he a teacher or coach or anything like that. This would be another situation where the need to let people know what he has done would rise out of the maybe/maybe not category and into the yes definately category.

if you are a student at a college or university, it is very likely there is a health service available to you which will have counselors available. I recommend making an appointment with one of those counselors to talk about this sexual abuse. They will not judge you. This sort of thing is unfortunately rather common, and they will have had experience talking with people in your position before. They will likely have good suggestions for you to consider with regard to how to talk to your family. The need to warn your sister is urgent, given the speed of her visit, but you might wait to talk to your mother until you've had a chance to speak to a counselor.

Your stepfather may have not raped you in a few years, but he may still be prosecutable under your state's rape and child protection laws. You might want to speak to a lawyer about that.

Mark

One thing I'd suggest doing is to call and speak to a lawyer

[missrose]

I appreciate your reply more than anything. I told my mother as soon as I could and we're moving out together as soon as possible. All he could do was call me a liar and say that I was doing this because I wanted them to get a divorce. He also said if we wanted him to move out I wouldn't have to make up such horrible lies, but we could just tell him to leave. Honestly, I believe telling my mother has helped me out a great deal. Especially because she believes ME and not him. I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, however I feel there is much more to come in this healing process. He was a police officer for almost 35 years, but is retired now. He worked with children at the church but I would go with him every week to make sure nothing of this sort happened. Hopefully it hasnt. Although, he always talked about wanting to be a teacher. It was ironic to me that you mentioned that. I'm unsure if I will contact a lawyer as of right now. My sister said I still have time to do so until I turn 23. It really helped me to come on this website and speak my feelings for everyone to see. I encourage someone to do the same. I'm also thinking about visiting a school counsler. I think I will more than likely visit one. Again, i'd like to thank you for your reply.

[SuziQ]

There are also rape crisis centers that have some very good therapists who specialize in this type of abuse. You might consider contacting them. Some have group counseling as well. I wish you and your mom good days ahead. It took a lot of courage on your part.

[sheryl]

Hello, i'm a 20 year old college student. I suffered from sexual abuse from my stepfather when I was 16 -18 years old. I have a lot to talk about, but I don't know who to go to. I honestly don't even know where to start because so much has happened in just a couple of years. When I was around the age of 12 my best friends' mother came up to me and said she wanted to have a word with me. What she said changed the way I looked at my step-father for awhile. She put it in a way that I would understad, she simply asked if my stepfather had a "crush" on me. Being so young I really didn't know how to respond to this, so of course I said "No I don't think so?" But it still always made me think. As I got older he gave me a harder time about going out with my friends. My first boyfriend gave me a ring when I was 16 and my stepfather refused to let me wear the ring. I was confused as to why he wouldn't let me wear it, as were my sisters. Not long after that he said he wanted to take me on a vacation to Cocoa Beach. I thought it was a great idea because i'd always heard such wonderful things about the area. The first time I was sexually abused was on this vacation. He said it was okay and that it was normal and that other fathers do it to their daughters all the time. It was brief, but boy did it leave an impact on me . . . I joined dance programs and drama programs at school to keep me occupied and more importantly to keep me from being home. On days when nothing would be going on with one of my clubs I would have to come right home (I was never allowed to go out anywhere after school). What happened when i'd get home is rather disturbing. Whenever I tried to get away from him or say no he became extremely mad. He'd become so upset and almost make me feel guilty or bad for saying no. This happened 3 times a week, sometimes everyday. I'd beg my mom to stay home from work and she never understood why. As time progressed the abuse got worse. I'd rather not talk about what I had to do or what was done to me because I feel asahmed and embarassed. I remember being in an airport waiting to visit my sister in New York. A case came on the news about a daughter being raped by her father. As I was watching the T.V. my friend told me that I could be one of those girls one day if I didnt get out of the house (most of my friends and my sisters saw how sick he was). All I could think in my head was how I am one of those girls. It killed me not to be able to say anything. I recently told my boyfriend of 1 year most of what happened in those 2 years. My niece will be visiting in a few weeks and my stepfather would have to babysit her. I knew it was time to tell my sister because I didn't want my niece to suffer in a way that I do to this day. After telling my boyfriend it gave me the courage to speak to my oldest sister (the mother of my niece) about what had happened. I couldn't bring myself to tell them everything because of the embarassment I feel. Now brings the important question i've been contemplating these past couple of days. Whenever I told him i'd tell my mother what was going on he said he would tell her it was my fault. He always said it was just as much my fault as it is his. Is this is way of taking the guilt off himself? Do I tell my mother or keep it a secret forever? She's always been very fond of him, trusting his every word. I'm afraid she won't believe me and that's my biggest fear at the moment. I'll be moving out as soon as possible, within the next month. I'm really afraid about what will happen if I decide to tell my mother. If you're reading this i'd love to hear some advice. Thanks in advance for the responses and advice.

hi missrose,

i know how you feel i've been there when my mother found out she didn't believe taht my brother had sexually abused me for 3 and a half years , but you should tell your mother what your stepfather has done to you, he was wrong your mother needs to be aware of what he's like, you should never feel guilty for saying no i learned that the hard way, my mother continuously left me alone with my brother when i asked her not to, what ever you do don't let any kids near your stepfather he could do that to them too, i would do that spend as much time away from home4 as possible but i was sexually abused every day whether it was night or day, you shouldn't feel ashamed you didn't do anything wrong it does take along time to stop feeling like that i've only just learnt to stop feeling like that.

take care, sheryl

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Missrose,

It is true that for some strange reason people often do not believe that someone was abused by people they happen to know. I have seen many cases of this where a person will tell a friend, or their own mother, etc, and the response will be something like: "Oh no, your father, cousin, brother, etc, is such a "nice person" they never could have done that. You must be mistaken." Do no listen to or pay attention to any of this.

First, you are the person who was abused and it was not your fault. You need to turn your shame into anger at the person who committed this offense against you.

I want to urge you to do two things:

1. Enter psychotherapy to get help with this and from someone who has expertise in treating the survivors of sexual abuse.

2. Find a local support group in your community for women who have survived sexual abuse. There are many around and you just have to find one. It will help to learn from other women who have been through the same thing.

Here, you will also get lots of support and look for and read our many articles on sexual abuse.

Allan

[Eprev20]

Well i feel you on all this, because my father is in prison for 20 years for molesting my stepsister. I had resently found out that my wife was abused like that for several years but im the only one that she has told.. I dont know if i should tell her mom since her step dad and mother are now divorced, cause her mom is thick headed and would probably think we were making it up.. and there probably really isnt a way to find out the truth, cause shes pregnant now with my child I feel like **** cause i promised i wouldnt say anything to her or neone about it, but everytime i see him i just want to beat him in his face and it makes me sick to my stomache cause im over come with anger and hate.. and i apologize about phrase the sentence above this, but i dont know how else to describe it. All i can say is that one day People who have hurt YOU like that, or my wife or neone in general will have it come back to them in some way or another.. i admire you for coming out on here and talking about it.. Makes you stronger in my eyes.

EP

[butterfly29]

missrose...my heart broke as I read your story. I was sexually abused from age 2 to 16 yrs old by parents and many others. I know what you must be feeling inside. If you have not already seen a professional about this please do. This is not something you can do on your own. Trust me, I know.

At age 15 my daughter was raped. She didn't tell me at first. She went to a close family friend of ours who was like an Aunt to her. She was afraid to tell me in fear of how I would react. When this friend told me do you know how I reacted? I literally curled up in a ball and cried out in gut wrenching wails. I never in my life felt such pain until then because my precious daughter now felt what I had been feeling since I was a child.

I felt sad my daughter couldn't come to me first. She knew of my abuse so that played a big part in it I am sure.

missrose, as a mother I would want to know what happened. A mothers love runs deeper than any other. Although my children say I am a rare find. I hope by the time you read this you were able to come to some answers. I just know that my children are "the most important" thing in the world to me and no one messes with my children without dealing with me.

Whether you tell her or not is up to you but I do hope you get help from someone. It has helped me greatly. It actually kept me alive.

Take care sweetie....hug.....butterfly29

[peter pan]

I was sexualy abused from the age of 4 to 18 it did not tell a sole till i was 51 when my dad had died you should tell your mum yes its hard as she could call you a lier but its better to get it out in the open. Why should take the blame for someones act dont keep it bottled up it will eat you away all the best peter pan