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Personality change, is it my BPD, or was I always a "B"


SweetSue

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Hey John,

Yep, Im a little confussed right now. Hospitals and me, well we dont get on. They dont like me and I hate them. probably be ok, once I leave here.

My voices are grumpy loud and evil, they are me. and I guess to a certain degree I am them. We are the same, must be.

Sorry it dont make sense coz I can think straight at mo. Ive had enough. no point in pretending otherwise. Im evil coz my thoughts are that way and so are my actions, my voices everything. I may not be able to talk, but Im still offending people, and I really dont care.

John thanks for helping me out in the night, and you star (if you read this)

take care

sue

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Well Im stuck back in hospital, a nice little rest for the next 72 hours, great, me and my flipping attitude.

You know I just dont get it. There keeping me in coz of so called danger to myself and/or others. Like if I was actually gonna hurt anybody, I would of done before they sectioned me again. It makes me so mad.

I dont get them, and they dont get me. And that is winding me up. everything is just so blatently there just to annoy me. The p/doc dont agree with me on anything that makes sense to me, and that also is making me mad. Geez I cant of lost the plot that much not this quickly.

I really am being grumpy, awkward and hostile, and it dosnt even seem wrong, I dont even have to make an effort, its just me now. They say I cant be evil and I just think I am. How can that be when I feel it. Its me.

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Hey John,

I am trying, seriously. Ive always felt the evil in me usually s/i is enough to calm things for a while. this time feels different. Like I am evil itself. The things I have wrote to others on this board, Ive meant every word. I was never evil toward others , certainly would never dream of doing so even now. I trust people here. In the outside world however , with people that are in my everyday life. well I dont trust them therefore, its so easy for me to be nasty or rude or grumpy with them, its like its natural for me to be this way. Where as before it was natural for me to be kind and caring.

Thats all gone now. I dont give a rainbows end anymore, if they upset or anger me in the slightest, I dont even try to understand there actions. I just automatically hate them. And I make it so obvious. dont even try and hide the way I feel. Anything and everything is just getting to me, stupid things really.

My babies, they are my heart. my babies are not with me. My heart is well and truely broken. I have no heart left anymore. s/services put paid to that. The final nail in my coffin, well that comes in Jan, when I have to go before the adoption panel, and listen as they talk about my babies as if they are handing out a bag of sweets to thier friends. Oh im fighting through the courts on this one. But it seems its a loosing battle. Mind you thats if I even make it to Jan, how the hell can I possibly get through xmas with out them. It all just "sucks" and hurts like no tomorrows ever could.

Im so "p'ed" coz no matter how high I have to jump, the barr keeps getting raised. I have nothing left to loose, if they adopt my babies, thats it game over. People have already made there mind up about me so what the hell blow it.

I done my time of being nice , caring and understanding off the outside world, and geez didnt I screw that one nicely over the past 35 years, now I just dont care, why should I. Once my kids go, so does my so called life. What does it really matter that now the evil controls me, I cant fight it . Havnt a clue where to begin, and if I did Im not so sure Id try to defeat it.

Im just grumpy.............................................

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This is crazy, and I am getting more and more confused as the time passes. cant wait to get out of this place. maybe when my section runs out on monday and I go home then maybe things will go back to how they were. Just have to get through another 30 hours or so then freedom again.

If I just get home lock myself in the house and never do anything or go anywhere, it wont matter about me being evil, mean and grumpy. Maybe things will just snap back as quick as they came...............................

****************************

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ok so after long careful consideration, and well weeks of time to think about this. ive come to the conclusion, that I was always a "B"

and so just want to say stuff this frigginf BS the world keeps throwing my way, infact BLOW IT ALL.

Hey hum

Edited by SweetSue
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