Am I really so immature?

[Guest ASchwartz]

H SuzieQ,

Not only did you touch and help that homeless man and the homeless woman he helped but I want you to know that you touch all of us here. You certainly affect me in a very positive way.

Remind that negative inner voice of the good person you are and of the many friends you have right here.

Allan:)

[Catmom]

Suzi Q-

I, too, was touched by your story about the homeless man. Thank you for sharing that. Sometimes the answer to loneliness is in discovering how I can give to the world rather than what I can get. At other times, it seems there is no answer.

When you described the details of my circumstances (dead parents, no mate, etc) I felt horrible. I have often believed that I failed at being a young adult because I did not find a mate in my 20's like most people do. All of this is a result of a deep sense of unworthiness that I battle frequently. When I feel loneliness, I usually feel ashamed because I think that if I were loveable enough, I would not be alone.

On the other hand, I have made huge progress in silencing the Critic, compared to how it was when I was actively in my addiction(s). I guess when it comes to deeply ingrained attitudes & habits, progress is slow and difficult.

Thanks again for all your posts.

Catmom

Edited July 16, 2008 by Catmom

[SuziQ]

Hi Cat and Allen.

Actually, I don't have much negative self talk. My son, who held the record for double triathlon for a number of years, insisted I go to some crazy seminars with him. He explained that in completing such a grueling competition that he HAD to turn off the negative voice. In a group of over 500, people stood up and talked about themselves and what that voice told them. In every case, the voice was negative. The leader explained that we did not have to listen to that voice and when it became too strong to go into action doing something positive and tell it to hush. He gave the example of a young woman who was expecting a blind date. As she prepared for it the voice chattered ---your hair isn't right--that dress is too tight--your make up is wrong--he won't like you--and on and on. When she opened the door to a very presentable young man, she said--I don't like you either--and closed the door in his face. Of course that is an exaggeration --but is it?

When I got up to speak and said whatever, the leader told me to sit down --that I was not being real--that I was a phony. I would like to say he was wrong--but he wasn't. I had lost my other son in a car accident less than a year before and I wasn't real. I was going thru the motions of having feelings. I was numb. Oddly, my self talk didn't berate me and rarely has since. I , somehow, realized that day that I had control of what my inner voice said and I needed to make it my friend. I actually completed the seminar. But--I did it for my son (the triathlete)--I wanted to run.

So that is my experience with self talk--just tell it if it doesn't have something helpful and nice to say--to hush. And if you really want it to hush, it will. Open your heart and mind to your own beauty and the voice will follow.

Love and joy, SuziQ

[Catmom]

My therapist always says just to tell the Critic to "go pound sand." Unfortunately, when it really gets going, I can get into a spiral of negative self talk that is not easy for me to stop.

Only recently have I more fully appreciated how my Critic has limited my relationships just as it did for the woman in the blind dating story.

That aside, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I am sure that must have been terribly hard for you.

You have a lot of compassion and I believe that suffering is the birthplace of true compassion. You are a very kind person and I am glad to have "met" you here.

Catmom

Edited July 16, 2008 by Catmom

[SuziQ]

Hi Cat,

Something in your posts has brought out a vulnerability in me. I feel safe with you. So, you have added to my life. Thank you.

Thanks about my son--it was 24 yrs ago-- just a month after my 50th birthday--and a year after I left a husband of 9 yrs. Something in me changed and I have been alone since then--in terms of a male/female relationship. I have taken care of mom as she died of dementia. My daughter stayed a while. My grandson spent a number of summers with me after his dad died. But I have had no one to lean on or hold. I do understand--and it does get difficult at times.

I may go to Shreveport in the next couple of days ( not to gamble--I don't do that). My daughter lives there and I have a place there. If I don't post for a day or two, please know that I am away, but I will be back.

Love and Joy, SuziQ

[SuziQ]

Hi Cat

Actually, I believe that compassion is learned. It is hard to be compassionate when one is suffering. Your attention is turned inward and your pain too great to be compassionate. Actually, suffering people can sometimes be quite cruel.

It is when you turn your attention outward that you can become compassionate. I was taught as a child to consider the feelings of others. My dad took me to farms where kids had no shoes to go to school. I loved school and felt the beginnings of compassion. It was during the depression.

It is through looking at others, trying to understand, not judging harshly, remembering good things that others have done for you, that one is able to feel compassion---and act on that compassion. It is in setting "your needs and cares" aside to really pay attention to someone else that you can even see a need for compassion toward that person. If that hungry man had been looking at his hunger, he could not have shared his food. If I had been looking at myself that day, I would not have seen his need. It is in believing that one has enough, that one is able to share.

And I believe that I have been taught to look outside myself. Most of my pain (except the death of loved ones) has been as a result of my own thinking or behavior or ignorance. I do draw from my experience to see their pain, but I must look away from myself to feel for them. To look at them and start relating it to myself is to nuture my own pain in a negative way. To look at them and try to help alleviate their pain nurtures me in a positive way. And I had to learn. A friend may have said "Damn, I am talking about my pain and all you can see is yourself" AA said "to carry the message to those who still suffer" The Bible says "what you do unto the least of these".

We need to be taught compassion---Be careful with the puppy or you will hurt it---Share your cookie with your friend---Go take this cold cloth to your playmate, it will help his knee" --it's ok to cry, I know it hurts"

Thanks for listening--gotta run and figure out what I am taking to my daughter.

Love and Joy, SuziQ

[SuziQ]

Hi Catmom,

Back from my trip. Please see my post under abuse and bullying ---question.

Any help you could give would be greatly appreciated.

Love and Joy, SuziQ

[Catmom]

Please see the abuse thread where I responded to your post.

Catmom