shattered hope Posted June 16, 2008 Report Share Posted June 16, 2008 Hello.I have never been on one of these posts , but I am at a total loss. To tell you about me, I have been absolutely deep in the trenches of self hate , panic, ainxiety, drug addiction, divorce, great loss, and major legal issues that arise from these combinations. I have been seen by many psychiatrists, counselors, treatment centers, and at least 25 to 30 different medications, diagnosis, and medication combinations. I am absolutely filled with guilt, (whether rational or not), over the failure of my 12 year relationship/marraige. It has been 3 years since our divorce and I am unable to gather up any kind of self-definition or identity. I have spent nearly the whole time since the divorce in seclusion, living in panic, and depression, with feelings of no way out of this. I moved out of my home town last october in hopes of escaping these feelings and trying to make a new start, but with no escape from my horrid self loathing, I have yet to meet 1 single person outside of a dead end job. Of course this is from severe social phobia, and zero self confidence. As one could guess this creates a cyclic paradox that has totally spiralled out of my capacity to regain a grip. I am now one hundred miles from the reason I am still alive, my 2 beautifull daughters. they are 9yrs and 4yrs old. To these two I feel I owe my entire existence to. Today was fathers day and I was graced with them last night and today. Our departures are far from even agony could label. I deeply ache, and cry uncontrollably, for the reason I only get to see them every other weekend and my ex-wifes new husband I feel will always have a better relationship with them. I am in pain just typing this it hurts so badly that my little angels are being raised by another father, be it step-father or not, just the amount of time spent with them I cant help but feel I will certainly be replaced. As I said It is only for them that I even bother to carry on. I can not Escape tormenting memories of the past, no matter how hard I have tried, and am desperatly pleading to anyone who sees this to reply even if it is just to acknowledge that this wasnt done in vein like all other efforts to revive the walking dead. Peace:( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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