Broken, and lost.

[shattered hope]

Hello.

I have never been on one of these posts , but I am at a total loss. To tell you about me, I have been absolutely deep in the trenches of self hate , panic, ainxiety, drug addiction, divorce, great loss, and major legal issues that arise from these combinations. I have been seen by many psychiatrists, counselors, treatment centers, and at least 25 to 30 different medications, diagnosis, and medication combinations. I am absolutely filled with guilt, (whether rational or not), over the failure of my 12 year relationship/marraige. It has been 3 years since our divorce and I am unable to gather up any kind of self-definition or identity. I have spent nearly the whole time since the divorce in seclusion, living in panic, and depression, with feelings of no way out of this. I moved out of my home town last october in hopes of escaping these feelings and trying to make a new start, but with no escape from my horrid self loathing, I have yet to meet 1 single person outside of a dead end job. Of course this is from severe social phobia, and zero self confidence. As one could guess this creates a cyclic paradox that has totally spiralled out of my capacity to regain a grip. I am now one hundred miles from the reason I am still alive, my 2 beautifull daughters. they are 9yrs and 4yrs old. To these two I feel I owe my entire existence to. Today was fathers day and I was graced with them last night and today. Our departures are far from even agony could label. I deeply ache, and cry uncontrollably, for the reason I only get to see them every other weekend and my ex-wifes new husband I feel will always have a better relationship with them. I am in pain just typing this it hurts so badly that my little angels are being raised by another father, be it step-father or not, just the amount of time spent with them I cant help but feel I will certainly be replaced. As I said It is only for them that I even bother to carry on. I can not Escape tormenting memories of the past, no matter how hard I have tried, and am desperatly pleading to anyone who sees this to reply even if it is just to acknowledge that this wasnt done in vein like all other efforts to revive the walking dead. Peace:(

[Mark]

Hey there Shattered,

Your post is not in vain. Lots of people will read it and some will respond. I'm responding right now.

More to the point, though you may have a variety of problems, there are people here who will relate to some or most of them. You're alone, yes, but really not so alone as you think.

You've got a mess of problems you've put on the table and that is too much to unpack all at once. So right now, I'm only going to respond to the father's day stuff and your grief over the ability to be a primary day-to-day father figure for your children. That clearly hurts a *lot*

A lot of pain happens becuase of a failure of perspective. So, for instance, your perspective right now is (I gather) that you are a sad sack of a man, probably thinking of yourself as a loser, and jealous of this guy your ex-wife married who gets to spend more time with your kids than you do. The funny thing is that there are people who would like to be in the position of having two healthy children - for instance, infertile couples; people who died young without the opportunity to reproduce (such as some of our fresh crop of veteran who aren't coming home), etc. Some people get cancer at a young age and in the process of curing them, the doctors make them infertile as a side effect (e.g. of chemotherapy or radiation). So, the fact that you are a father and happy to be one is not insignificant at all.

We could construct rational arguments for most of your complaints which would broaden your perspective - and you could do it too - and if you took them to heart (that's the key) you would feel better a little. Nothing like this method works if you can't take it to heart, but if you can - it helps.

Another part of perspective has to do with self-acceptance. You have described a bunch of problems you are struggling with. And you are very harsh in beating up on yourself for not successfully managing all of these problems. But there is no need to be so harsh, and every need to be kinder to yourself. You may not feel like you deserve it, but you'd probably be kinder to a stranger than to yourself, the way you are talking. So treat your self like you'd treat a stranger and give yourself a break a little. Life is really difficult - that's the first rule. You will fail at a lot of things you try. No problem there. It's not a crime to fail. It is a crime (against yourself) to beat up on yourself. relax a little, take a few deep breaths. It's bad but not as bad as you make it out to be.

Maybe read over our self-help book when you get a chance. Big sets of probelms are overwhelming, so it is important to break them down. The book helps you think about how to do that.

Mark

[shattered hope]

Hey there Shattered,

Your post is not in vain. Lots of people will read it and some will respond. I'm responding right now.

More to the point, though you may have a variety of problems, there are people here who will relate to some or most of them. You're alone, yes, but really not so alone as you think.

You've got a mess of problems you've put on the table and that is too much to unpack all at once. So right now, I'm only going to respond to the father's day stuff and your grief over the ability to be a primary day-to-day father figure for your children. That clearly hurts a *lot*

A lot of pain happens becuase of a failure of perspective. So, for instance, your perspective right now is (I gather) that you are a sad sack of a man, probably thinking of yourself as a loser, and jealous of this guy your ex-wife married who gets to spend more time with your kids than you do. The funny thing is that there are people who would like to be in the position of having two healthy children - for instance, infertile couples; people who died young without the opportunity to reproduce (such as some of our fresh crop of veteran who aren't coming home), etc. Some people get cancer at a young age and in the process of curing them, the doctors make them infertile as a side effect (e.g. of chemotherapy or radiation). So, the fact that you are a father and happy to be one is not insignificant at all.

We could construct rational arguments for most of your complaints which would broaden your perspective - and you could do it too - and if you took them to heart (that's the key) you would feel better a little. Nothing like this method works if you can't take it to heart, but if you can - it helps.

Another part of perspective has to do with self-acceptance. You have described a bunch of problems you are struggling with. And you are very harsh in beating up on yourself for not successfully managing all of these problems. But there is no need to be so harsh, and every need to be kinder to yourself. You may not feel like you deserve it, but you'd probably be kinder to a stranger than to yourself, the way you are talking. So treat your self like you'd treat a stranger and give yourself a break a little. Life is really difficult - that's the first rule. You will fail at a lot of things you try. No problem there. It's not a crime to fail. It is a crime (against yourself) to beat up on yourself. relax a little, take a few deep breaths. It's bad but not as bad as you make it out to be.

Maybe read over our self-help book when you get a chance. Big sets of probelms are overwhelming, so it is important to break them down. The book helps you think about how to do that.

Mark

You may not feel like you deserve it, but you'd probably be kinder to a stranger than to yourself,

These words are very true and they are in my mind, a direct result of an extremely violent, and emotional abusive animal of a father that I had. I had a bed wetting problem long past the age of a young child, and was basically, treated the exact way abusive personalities would treat a dog that pees on the floor. emotionally caned for something that I was so embarrassed about without the violent reactions I received from that ****. So naturally I am first to accept the blame for negative things that happen in life whether I am to blame, or even could have prevented/had anything to do with them. This past horror with his inhumanity, is by itself one of the biggest guilt, and shame causing things, for not having my kids more often so I can be there to break that cycle. To this day,I have never laid a hand on my children nor have I ever yelled or called them names. When they have an accident. I KNOW EXACTLY HOW THEY FEEL, so I calmly and gently explain to them that it is perfectly natural to have these accidents and that it is ok and I help them to come away from an embarrassing problem feeling hopefully much more confident and calm. but now I cant be there if something like this happens. I am so scared about what their emotional outcomes are going to be, I am beyond worried. I so badly wanted the chance to be exactly the father that I never had. I had a sperm doner, who used his two sons as literal physical and emotional punching bags, Reguardless of my actions when I am with them The courts have given me a visitation that is far substandard. how can one be a truly effective father if your only together every other weekend. I would agree that it is more than a lot of people get, but even in court my ex had been open about the fact that I am great with them and that my girls and I had a loving and healthy relationship. This visitation is the most I could have hoped for, and it will never be enough and will always be a source of guilt in my mind. I am not ok with not knowing whats really going on with them day to day. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I know there is a lot of pieces and bits but this one is a large part of my pain and anxiety. Thank you. peace

[christy1974]

Hello.

I have never been on one of these posts , but I am at a total loss. To tell you about me, I have been absolutely deep in the trenches of self hate , panic, ainxiety, drug addiction, divorce, great loss, and major legal issues that arise from these combinations. I have been seen by many psychiatrists, counselors, treatment centers, and at least 25 to 30 different medications, diagnosis, and medication combinations. I am absolutely filled with guilt, (whether rational or not), over the failure of my 12 year relationship/marraige. It has been 3 years since our divorce and I am unable to gather up any kind of self-definition or identity. I have spent nearly the whole time since the divorce in seclusion, living in panic, and depression, with feelings of no way out of this. I moved out of my home town last october in hopes of escaping these feelings and trying to make a new start, but with no escape from my horrid self loathing, I have yet to meet 1 single person outside of a dead end job. Of course this is from severe social phobia, and zero self confidence. As one could guess this creates a cyclic paradox that has totally spiralled out of my capacity to regain a grip. I am now one hundred miles from the reason I am still alive, my 2 beautifull daughters. they are 9yrs and 4yrs old. To these two I feel I owe my entire existence to. Today was fathers day and I was graced with them last night and today. Our departures are far from even agony could label. I deeply ache, and cry uncontrollably, for the reason I only get to see them every other weekend and my ex-wifes new husband I feel will always have a better relationship with them. I am in pain just typing this it hurts so badly that my little angels are being raised by another father, be it step-father or not, just the amount of time spent with them I cant help but feel I will certainly be replaced. As I said It is only for them that I even bother to carry on. I can not Escape tormenting memories of the past, no matter how hard I have tried, and am desperatly pleading to anyone who sees this to reply even if it is just to acknowledge that this wasnt done in vein like all other efforts to revive the walking dead. Peace:(

I feel so much of the same things you do. I have no one to talk about my mental issues without being put down. Your post made me feel like I am not alone and that is a step.

[nightfalls]

Shattered,

Hi, This must be a very hard situation for you I can imagine how hard this would be on you. I wish I could offer you some constructive help that could make your situation easyer to cope with. I think that as long as you give all you can to your kids when you do see them and be as consistant as you can and comunicate your wishes for them to grow up strong and self confident in a healthy way then that is the best you can do. You can be watchful for them to make sure the other half is doing the same. Even when living with kids there is a time that they pull away and there is not much we can do about it but to be there when they need us and to be able to keep a watch on them from afar. I don't know but mabe there is a point that the option of living with you could become a choice from them when they are older they may get a chance to chose where they want to be and if you are able to be a stonge confident supportive caregiver then they may want you to be more involved daily and if they ask for this mabe things will change, you never know? I am wishing you all the strength and hope you will be able to continue to find the ability to be the best dad you can and be all that you can. You are always going to be DAD regardless of where you live your kids will always know that and have a special relationship with YOU. Please take care

[Proverbs31:28]

Your kids are close in age to mine (6 and 8) and I would like to try to encourage you by giving you the other perspective.

I left my husband almost 4 years ago and, until last year, we lived in the same town. He was allowed to select his own visitation schedule and he literally asked for two 4-hour vists per week, declining over night visits. From my POV this was fine because it meant I got all the special time with my kiddos, but I knew from their POV it could be upsetting. I have never told my kids that their dad *chose* this schedule as I don't want them to feel to blame for anything HE does. So, a year ago, my kids and I moved 100 miles away to live with family, mainly due to my mental health issues. Suddenly, he can't believe I would "take his kids away" ignoring the fact he was never around when he had the chance! Now, however, they simply believe his lack of visitation is due to the miles between us, not his choice. He now sees them every other weekend, though he does sometimes skip that, also. He does not do any holidays with them, at all.

My point is, if I haven't lost you already, is that unless your ex is extremely vindictive and talks ill about you to your kids, they probably realize there is a distance between you and accept that the reason they don't see you as much as they'd like is due to that distance. I know that does not ease the pain of missing them, but if you look at it from their perspective, they will know you love them by your actions and these actions include making every effort to see them whenever possible and allowed. Believe me they will see the efforts and they will appreciate them. My kids do not have a step-dad to contend with, so I know its different for us. But, I do see my kids craving their dad's attention and not getting it near as much as they would like. It hurts, truthfully. I fear as they get older, they will start to realize he is giving up chances to have a more meaningful role in their lives. Conversely, your kids will see that you are playing as big a role in their lives as their mother's ex-husband can!

If you don't mind me asking, do you see them less or more since moving away? Would be able to see them anymore if you lived closer? If more, is moving closer an alternative?

I don't mean to pry, just throwing out some food for thought.