NO SEX...Say What?

[lacyjay87]

I am married to a very patient and understanding husband. The only major problem we have involves our sex life. I just seem to have no interest in sex whatsoever. I have tried many things to help get me interested. I have even talked to my gynecologist. Nothing seems to help. I know it is not fair for my husband. It has gone months well almost a year now without our being intimate, and I can tell that it bothers him. I don't miss the sex, but do feel bad that I am not giving him what most people consider something that comes naturally. I want my marriage to last forever, for I love my husband with all my heart. We have one daughter already. I find him attractive. I just don't know what to do. He is a kind and caring man, and I feel I may lose him if I can't change my attitude toward sex, even though he says he won't leave. I enjoy sex when I can get in the mood; it’s the getting in the mood part that is the problem. I just don't see it as an expression of love the way my husband’s does. I just do it to make him happy and because I feel I am suppose to. I would love to hear any comments you may have on our situation. I just don't know what to do. When I do it for him I cry and shake and shiver all over (not a good cry either). I almost feel violated. The weird thing is when I have looked at porn in the past I watched girls and this makes me very excited. I would never want to do anything with a girl, but I get excited watching it. I try hard not to watch porn one b/c it is a SIN and b/c I do not want to be considered as lesbian b/c that is a SIN. When I have watched those things in the past and felt excited it only took me about 45 seconds to be overcome with joy (if you know what I mean) wink. Even guys do not orgasm that fast. When I have sex I want it to be fast I always go before he goes and I have to wait on him and I start to dry up. Then he goes I get grossed out clean up cry and want no further sexual attention no cuddling and no conversation I just want to go do my own thing. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

[lacyjay87]

Well as long as i stop acting on such thoughts then it will not be a sin..although i think being sexually abused by ex boy friends and men i did not know may play a role in me being grossed out by his orgasim and the crying shivering stuff too. I love him so much, but sex is just to much for me.

[David O]

Lacy,

Thanks so much for your honesty openness and sincerity. It's late and my brain is no longer functioning. We can look more closely tomorrow at the correlation between abuse and gay-lesbian behavior. I think you'll find it interesting and will give you much to think about.

G'nite,

David

Edited November 18, 2009 by David O

[lacyjay87]

Lacy,

Thanks so much for your honesty openness and sincerity. It's late and my brain is no longer functioning. We can look more closely tomorrow at the correlation between abuse and gay-lesbian behavior. I think you'll find it interesting and will give you much to think about.

G'nite,

David

thank you tomorrow wil lbe as good as ever to look at this problem!

[IrmaJean]

I just don't see it as an expression of love the way my husband’s does.

This statement was the one thing that really stood out for me in reading through your post. I wonder where the feelings might be coming from surrounding this. Maybe something to think about?

[Guest GingerSnap]

I had a couple thoughts. One is that it seems you really lost interest in sex about a year ago - isn't that the age of your baby? Maybe some correlation there. Also, I was wondering why you started viewing lesbian porn in the first place as I often wonder if porn doesn't ingrain certain things in our mind to some degree or maybe bring out something hidden. When it comes to "sin" in the old time religion I was brought up in, viewing porn is a sin and although you won't find "porn" in the Bible, what you will find is that lusting in your heart is basically the same as doing it in person - I can't quote it but it spells it out as adultery - this is not my judgment for you but am attempting to clarify "sin". David O. will be able to better direct you. ***Lacy, I am sending you a pm with a website - Bible based/sexual which has some good info - they are open-minded and discuss details freely and have articles that clarify and I was actually surprised - I do not believe the way they do when it comes to a wife's "duty", that just is wrong to me but the articles are good and they approach a lot, like every possible issue especially lack of desire, etc.

Edited November 18, 2009 by GingerSnap

[David O]

Good morning Lacy,

Sorry for the abrupt "leaving you hanging" last night. I think you've suffered more than enough with this issue and my heart goes out to you and your husband. As a deeply and profoundly religious and spiritual man, I know the struggles we face when it comes to our sexuality and its' expression.

What I do know is that sexual abuse often does interfere with a survivors sexual development, sexual enjoyment, erotic feelings towards their partners, the way they sexually behave, the ability to understand their needs and then find a voice to express them with openness and honesty, and how they experience their sexual maturation as a whole.

As a survivor of multiple, multiple sexual abuses in my life (in the 100's) and other forms of extreme physical punishment, I remember in my younger years (as a teen), finding myself incredibly confused about my sexuality. While I'm no longer confused, I do empathize with your pain and how confusing this all can be.

Hopefully I can write more later and be of better help.

Good luck and I hope this helps,

David

Edited November 18, 2009 by David O

[lacyjay87]

I had a couple thoughts. One is that it seems you really lost interest in sex about a year ago - isn't that the age of your baby? Maybe some correlation there. Also, I was wondering why you started viewing lesbian porn in the first place as I often wonder if porn doesn't ingrain certain things in our mind to some degree or maybe bring out something hidden. When it comes to "sin" in the old time religion I was brought up in, viewing porn is a sin and although you won't find "porn" in the Bible, what you will find is that lusting in your heart is basically the same as doing it in person - I can't quote it but it spells it out as adultery - this is not my judgment for you but am attempting to clarify "sin". David O. will be able to better direct you. ***Lacy, I am sending you a pm with a website - Bible based/sexual which has some good info - they are open-minded and discuss details freely and have articles that clarify and I was actually surprised - I do not believe the way they do when it comes to a wife's "duty", that just is wrong to me but the articles are good and they approach a lot, like every possible issue especially lack of desire, etc.

I try to stay away from porn I have probably watched porn 3 times in the whole year and it is only for a second and then the good Lord above helps me to feel guilty and I stop...I don’t like watching it bothers me afterwards..And I hate it....I think it is wrong...I also think it is wrong to be homosexual, I don’t think people are born that way I think they are born with the temptation, but it is their choice to be homosexual or straight...I have the temptation to watch lesbian porn and I have the choice to not watch it 9 times out of ten I decide not to watch it...

I agree with your views on porn...I pray to God all the time to give me strength to pull away from that....it is not an obsession just a temptation that I most often choice not to be tempted by

[lacyjay87]

Good morning Lacy,

Sorry for the abrupt "leaving you hanging" last night. I think you've suffered more than enough with this issue and my heart goes out to you and your husband. As a deeply and profoundly religious and spiritual man, I know the struggles we face when it comes to our sexuality and its' expression.

What I do know is that sexual abuse often does interfere with a survivors sexual development, sexual enjoyment, erotic feelings towards their partners, the way they sexually behave, the ability to understand their needs and then find a voice to express them with openness and honesty, and how they experience their sexual maturation as a whole.

As a survivor of multiple, multiple sexual abuses in my life (in the 100's) and other forms of extreme physical punishment, I remember in my younger years (as a teen), finding myself incredibly confused about my sexuality. While I'm no longer confused, I do empathize with your pain and how confusing this all can be.

Hopefully I can write more later and be of better help.

Good luck and I hope this helps,

David

I am sorry to hear that you were mistreated in many forms...I’m not sure what to say...except that I’m sorry...and God will heal your pain as he heals my daily.

I understand your leaving last night, I do appreciate that you responded to me this morning.

I am very confused about why/how I can love my hubby and not want/feel sexually aroused by him..once things get hot and going I’m in too but afterwards is when I fall apart.

[lacyjay87]

This statement was the one thing that really stood out for me in reading through your post. I wonder where the feelings might be coming from surrounding this. Maybe something to think about?

I guess what I mean by that statement is I think that you can show love through conversation understanding and cuddling. Sex to me just seems like a cheap way to be pleased not loved, but to him it shows me he loves me and will forever be with me. I know he loves me and will stay with me through his actions during the day, so I do not feel like sex is telling me he loves me it just allowing him to be able to be pleased...And there is nothing wrong with that I want to please him...Just not in that way....

[JulianP]

deleted.....

Edited February 6, 2010 by JulianP

[lacyjay87]

BTW i like that name!

1. Have you ever had sexual experiences with your husband that felt more natural and fulfilling or has it always felt uncomfortable for you?

Yes I have and they were wonderful...I wore him out LOL...I know this may be too much info but we used to have sex at least 10 times a day no lie for me that a lot lol. After i had my daughter I had post partum or baby blues I was not diagnosed but I know I was crazy...I never felt like hurting me or the baby, but I felt like crawling in to a whole and dyeing. This is when sex had it real turn for the worse.

2. What kind of discussions do you have with your husband about this, if any?

We discuss anything and everything he is a good listener...When he wants to be...just last night we talked about this forum and how I felt homosexual sometimes and that I think it is b/c I never have sex. We talk about it all. He suggested I see a consoler

3. Have you ever discussed your issues around your past abuse?

All the time, but there has been so much that I think it gets to him and gets to the pt where he can’t handle talking about it anymore. I like talking about it even thought it makes me sad and sick b/c I feel like a weight is lifted when I’m finished. But i also feel very embarrassed the whole time I talk about it as well. I also get this feeling that comes over me like a child gets when they get tin trouble for something they really did not do.

[IrmaJean]

Lacy, I think it's great that you have such an open line of communication with your husband about your feelings. Having support at home is always beneficial.

I think that when one is being taxed emotionally and physically...the birth of a baby (a very joyous yet life-changing event), hormonal swings, exhaustion, lack of sleep...other events in your life that might have previously been buried could rise to the surface and cause you additional distress. So maybe it is a combination of things here for you that have caused painful feelings from your past to resurface now. I think this is a sign that those painful feelings need to be acknowledged, felt and dealt with so that you may begin to heal and move forward. I'm sorry that you are going through this right now. I hope that you find the answers that you've been looking for.

Edited November 19, 2009 by IrmaJean

[lacyjay87]

Lacy, I think it's great that you have such an open line of communication with your husband about your feelings. Having support at home is always beneficial.

I think that when one is being taxed emotionally and physically...the birth of a baby (a very joyous yet life-changing event), hormonal swings, exhaustion, lack of sleep...other events in your life that might have previously been buried could rise to the surface and cause you additional distress. So maybe it is a combination of things here for you that have caused painful feelings from your past to resurface now. I think this is a sign that those painful feelings need to be acknowledged, felt and dealt with so that you may begin to heal and move forward. I'm sorry that you are going through this right now. I hope that you find the answers that you've been looking for.

I enjoy others comment and do agree with them as well. However, this post seems to have really made total since to me and I can pull from it. I know that after I had my baby life as I knew it had changed and that when I changed. I know everyone says I should "get it dealt with" I’m not sure how to start? Where to go? And I don’t have a lot of money...I mean I’m not poor, but I’m not rich either.

[Guest GingerSnap]

Lacy: If you have health insurance, they may cover mental health services like just general counseling. If not, they usually have mental health clinics that charge on a sliding fee based on the household income - I'm never afraid to ask "How much will this cost me?", I ask about everything, saves me from passing out when I get the bill! Social services for your state can sometimes recommend affordable services. Also, you really need to see a medical doctor and discuss how you are feeling and if he can't help you from a medical standpoint, he should be able to refer you to an affordable mental health clinic. If you haven't you might want to link up with a local church as they usually offer counseling on everything now and activities, seminars, etc. I can tell that you are at loose ends and that is not good for your health and may stress out your baby - babies tend to "feed" from mommy's emotions - even when they grow up but that is another story. So, take care of yourself!

[lacyjay87]

Lacy: If you have health insurance, they may cover mental health services like just general counseling. If not, they usually have mental health clinics that charge on a sliding fee based on the household income - I'm never afraid to ask "How much will this cost me?", I ask about everything, saves me from passing out when I get the bill! Social services for your state can sometimes recommend affordable services. Also, you really need to see a medical doctor and discuss how you are feeling and if he can't help you from a medical standpoint, he should be able to refer you to an affordable mental health clinic. If you haven't you might want to link up with a local church as they usually offer counseling on everything now and activities, seminars, etc. I can tell that you are at loose ends and that is not good for your health and may stress out your baby - babies tend to "feed" from mommy's emotions - even when they grow up but that is another story. So, take care of yourself!

I don’t have insurance it does not start until January. Where would I find these clinics...? I live in the middle of know where i have hills all around me with farms and cows as far as the eye can see...the dang things leave their mark in my yard sometimes. LOL.....

[lacyjay87]

I don’t have insurance it does not start until January. Where would I find these clinics...? I live in the middle of know where i have hills all around me with farms and cows as far as the eye can see...the dang things leave their mark in my yard sometimes. LOL.....

Oh and Jayden and I play all the time and I do not get upset with her I love her soooo much...do you really think it is possible that she can read in to my emotions (my hidden emotions)? And what if I go to these clinics and they find out I’m mental or depressed or Bp or something then they might try to say I’m an unfit mother and try to take her. Jayden has a bath twice a day...Jayden gets her diaper changed even if there is a drop of pee she has never had a rash. Her hair is always done clothes brand new and fantastic and clean, shoes out of this world. I don’t have a dang thing to wear my shoes have holes all in them and my pants and shirts are stained, but my daughter has the best. We choose to have little so Jayden can have a lot...I have taught her manners and colors and shapes and I got her “your baby can read” bc I already care about her education..She is so loved and well taken care. I could not imagine them taking her form me and placing her with someone who just let her do her own thing all day, did not change her diaper until it sagged, did not teach her, and did not love her like me....If the docs think there is something wrong with me they probably won’t hesitate to take my daughter. I’m ok with moderate depression as long as I have my baby. The people around here let their kids run wild and dirty they stink and they are not taken care of…good example: My friend’s daughter. I watch her often and she loves it with me. She wants to be held and played with and taught and read too, and no one but me does that for her. When she is with me it is from 7am until 9-10pm for a few days at a time. She won’t have a rash, but next time she comes back she does. They can keep a thing of diapers 40-60 diapers for a month…..now me...I run out of 40-60 diapers in a few weeks. SORRY THESE ARE MY FEARS….I would not be able to live if my daughter was not here.

Thanks for posting to me

[Guest GingerSnap]

Lacy: You misunderstand about mental health - I did too when I was younger. We aren't talking mental illness but mental health - like counseling, kind of like talking with the counselor in high school about difficulties you were having. You have not for one moment come across as anything less then a very caring mother and a really sweet and caring young lady in general. I don't know a lot about Kentucky, lived there for a year about 30 years ago by Fort Campbell. I know Kentucky can get extremely back woods. I would look and see what services might be available in the county seat, maybe a county health department could direct you, some places have clinics available - phone book under mental health services. Also, you are taking your daughter for a medical appointment, you might ask them if they know of any low cost medical services that would be available since your insurance hasn't kicked in yet. It really is a transition that you are going through, it is hard going from being sort of fancy free to having a baby and being married. Don't be afraid to ask about low cost services because we all pay to support those so that people don't have to go without them. I'm not sure just how deep down a child senses, not that deep but if you are concerned and anxious a child usually picks that up. I live in the sticks too with limited services and unless you have lived there, no one understands what that is like. It has always come across that you love and care for your daughter and your husband and I think probably all people in general. Take care of yourself

[lacyjay87]

Lacy: You misunderstand about mental health - I did too when I was younger. We aren't talking mental illness but mental health - like counseling, kind of like talking with the counselor in high school about difficulties you were having.OH ok I did misunderstand You have not for one moment come across as anything less then a very caring mother and a really sweet and caring young lady in general. sorry if i made it sound like i was assumeing people did not think i was a good mother and caring person. That not waht i was saying with what i wrote. i was justs sayin gif i try to get help i woul dbe worried about them taking her from me..but then i added all the thing i do for her so everyone could see that i do take care of her...thast another problem in its self is i worry about what others think or how they take things.... I don't know a lot about Kentucky, lived there for a year about 30 years ago by Fort Campbell. I know Kentucky can get extremely back woods. oh yea lol I would look and see what services might be available in the county seat, maybe a county health department could direct you,thats a good i dea did not think of that one thanks! some places have clinics available - phone book under mental health services. Also, you are taking your daughter for a medical appointment, you might ask them if they know of any low cost medical services that would be available since your insurance hasn't kicked in yet. It really is a transition that you are going through, it is hard going from being sort of fancy free to having a baby and being married.yes it is Don't be afraid to ask about low cost services because we all pay to support those so that people don't have to go without them. I'm not sure just how deep down a child senses, not that deep but if you are concerned and anxious a child usually picks that up. wow i never knew that...thanks for tellin gme coz now i have some work to do I live in the sticks toolol with limited services and unless you have lived there, no one understands what that is like.I know right It has always come across that you love and care for your daughter and your husband and I think probably all people in general. thank you for seeing that...you know thats my talent...i always used to thinki never had one but i do my talent is caring and loving people Take care of yourselfthx i will

my comment are above in purple

[Guest GingerSnap]

Don't be afraid to speak up about your financial situation and that you don't have insurance yet. Often, with prescription medications if they know you are in a financial crunch, they might have samples available or maybe prescribe a medication that costs less versus the latest, greatest experimental one. Also, I know that anyone getting commonly prescribed medications for mental health issues can get them at the mental health clinic in town for like $5 a prescription according to someone I know. If you haven't asked, I would inquire about seeing if there is any financial aid available to go toward that $2,000 bill. Most of these places get financial assistance from public sources just for that purpose. Don't be to proud to ask - someone told me that long ago. We are lucky to both have VA healthcare since we are both military veterans and I just wish that every citizen would be covered in this way although there is no way that I am going to approach traditional medicine unless I think I am dying and even then:confused:eek:, I just prefer natural medicine. I once told the doctor, "How much is that going to cost?" (a medication for my son) and he just looked at me and I said "The last one cost 1/2 week's pay." He said "I can prescribe something cheaper and it will work just as well." :confused:

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Ginger and Lacey,

Yes, yes, yes, It is always necessary to ask when given a prescription. First, ask the doctor (psychiatrist, or other doctor) because they often have samples that help lower cost (free) and they may be able to ask for a big discount from the drug company. Then, also ask at the pharmacy because there are things they can do. Lastly, many drug companies have special plans for people whereby the will provide medications at huge discounts. Of course, with the VA it's really great because the cost is extremely low.

Allan

[lacyjay87]

THANKS:) so much