Symora Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 I feel like I've tried it all too, but what the heck, as long as I'm alive I think I will just have to keep on trying .... And you know I had not tried it all, since I found this and another forum recently and suddenly I'm not so alone and I get to share with others who feel the same way, and now I'm feeling a little better. Interesting how just connecting over the net has made such a difference. I think I was so craving positive reinforcement and support and I was fading away. Now with everyone's help and insights I can feel myself becoming stronger again. I hope it does that for you too!!....I'm wondering what you meant by 'ive changed a lot these past 5 years on this journey to find out what this black hole is...' Has it been a good change or a bad change? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsirish Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 (edited) so many bad things happened in the past 5 years, it changes you, and i started it deliberately because change had to happen. i do hope to find some solace in this forum too, the people here seem knowledgeable, professional, and genuine. thanks you all, i needed our little back and forth. :eek: Edited December 30, 2009 by catsirish Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 Cat, is there anything you can tell us about the 5 years? You don't have to, of course, but it might help us offer more concrete suggestions. That is, if you want suggestions. ;-)Having come out of a bit of a hole, myself, I know that the fight is worth it. There's only one life, and this is it. No point in living it for anyone but yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsirish Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 gosh, i still have PTSD from it all.........slanderous divorce, femoral neck fracture, financial ruin, almost homeless, false teeth, mom died, addiction, basically crucified. and its not over yet !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 Wow.For me, though, "it's not over yet" has come to mean "there's still time for it to get better." :-)It's remarkable how much difference just a tiny shift in perspective can give.And how difficult it is to give yourself that gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Symora Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 (edited) That is indeed an awful lot to live through:eek: I've just lived quite a few loses as well so I have an inkling of what you must be going through, although the financial one is something that I have not known. Do you have a good support system in place? We are here of course, but having someone to spend some pleasant time with is so helpful as well...I'm with Malign, life is in fact a continuing set of challenges, some end up good, some not so good. I've always liked the Buddhist take on suffering. It's part of life, no escaping it, so better learn to run with it... sorry rambling a little there, and I don't mean to demean the amount of trying challenges you have lived in recent years... but life does have a way of meandering in all sorts of directions, and if we have the insight and courage to just let it flow it can bring us around the bend to a nice calm place, maybe with a nice beach, sunlight, lots of foliage... I do like the foliage :-) We're here with you.... Edited December 30, 2009 by Symora Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 I'm sorry that you have been through all of this, catsirish. I'm with Malign on the shift in perspective. It sure did change my life. You might find yourself pretty amazed at how things appear so different. And as you gain confidence in yourself, the improvements become even greater. There is always hope to be found in tomorrow. I hope you still believe in that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsirish Posted December 31, 2009 Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 I really dont know, a shift in perspective would be very nice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Symora Posted December 31, 2009 Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 So what is one thing that you would like to try shifting perspective on? One actual thing that you wish you could see differently? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ttjack Posted December 31, 2009 Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 my therapist diagnosed me with dysthmic disorder. i been in therapy for six months. it has helped.Prior to that I read a lot about life trying to figure out how to feel and live happy. I can say I am around 4 years of 'searching for myself' and I really still haven't found me and I have managed to run off and make things far more complicated in the process.You'd think by as much knowledge that I have crammed in that I would have cracked the code to happy living, but I haven't. I mean conversations with god, codependent anonymous, sexual addiction, skimming down on the booze drinking, becoming like god, the book called happiness, talk therapy, journal writing, you'd think I'd be somewhere for my efforts, but all i have done while trying to fix myself is make myself nuts and rigid.I spent a lot of time writing, but all it did was drain me and leave me with the same feelings of sorrow I had when I had begun hoping that my efforts would have revealed some great insight that would set me free.Life just never stops. the hard thing is when you feel dread day in and day out for a long period of time thats not cool and I know for me is that I just don't know what to do with myself to be happy because I am afraid of everything.the only thing that keeps me going through the blues is the hope that one day i'll get beyond all this emotional pain and will be rightfully and authentically pure and happy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Symora Posted December 31, 2009 Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 (edited) I'm not sure there is such a thing as 'pure and happy' in earthly life. I think there are things that can make us happy, or lighthearted or joyful. But an overall 'pure and happy' state may not be realistic. Life ebbs and flows for everyone, even people who do not suffer from mental illness, and we all have our challenges and struggles. My dear grandmother used to say that a lot - look into any home and any life, you will see trials and difficulties, that's life, and I'd rather be dealing with my own problems than someone else's. She was 100 and rather fragile when she said that ... wise old woman! It's true though. I think our expectations are unreal today, maybe because of TV and the media, showing us these make believe lives, make believe people, and we buy into make believe happiness. I think happiness in life is on a continuum, sometimes it's high on the scale, sometimes it's low, and unfortunately sometimes the situation lasts a while, especially when we are stuggling with depression. When I divorced, may husband told me 'I haven't found what I'm looking for', so I asked him 'what are you looking for', he said 'I don't know', I said 'so how will you know when you find it???' You know what I mean? I think happiness is like that. If you set a goal and achieve it, you feel happy. But to just set happiness as a goal is ephemeral I think.Is there anything specific you would like to see happen ttjack? Edited December 31, 2009 by Symora Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ttjack Posted January 1, 2010 Report Share Posted January 1, 2010 Your grandmother said it right. Life has its ups and downs. My good friend Ray said, we get glimpses of happiness with our challenges in between. That's life.I read this sites article on marriage and I think marriage is life in a way. We are married to it for the good and the bad. Sometimes we are connected other times we are not.Life is a phase we go from wanting one thing to the next and its all just a phase that comes and goes. The difficult thing is it goes and it doesn't stop.It is easy to focus on the sad things in life. To feel sorry for yourself. I realize that. For me what do I want specifically? I just want to be real and I don't want to be so strung out on life anymore. I want to be ok with me and happy with me and not ashamed. I want to look in the faces of people and not be afraid anymore. I don't want to be afraid of anyone or anything anymore. I also don't want to be easily influenced by anyone as I have been in life. It is exhausting. I just want to be normal and be accepted for who I am instead of always being someone to please someone else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Symora Posted January 1, 2010 Report Share Posted January 1, 2010 Those are a lot of wants my dear fellow I mean I wonder if you could break it down and choose just one of those things and make it a goal for the next year.... Like for example the way you see yourself. Would it be possible to work on finding out how to raise your esteem of yourself? From your posts I get a sense that you get down on yourself a lot .... Am I right? Maybe you could look at where that comes from and perhaps challenge those assumptions? Sometimes breaking it down in pieces feels more doable and less overwhelming(I actually took that advice from another thread, but I think it's great advice and something I often forget to do... ).Here's hoping you feel better in 2010! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsirish Posted January 1, 2010 Report Share Posted January 1, 2010 i want a spiritual experience, an awakening, a real one. or an increase in dopamine, seratonin, probbly the same thing.............and i apologise for this perspective. One thing I would like to change in 2010 would be to ''move'' dance for exercise, swim. but i wont, and if i do, it wont continue, cos the novelty will wear off so quickly, yep, even great feelings lose their attraction....i need a purpose good enuf to fuel a drive. i can talk the talk but i cant walk the walk :eek::eek: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Symora Posted January 1, 2010 Report Share Posted January 1, 2010 Why won't you move in 2010 Catsirish? Worth a try isn't it? I've been very lethargic for about 6 months. A month or so back a good friend of mine suggested I buy an exercise bike so I could move without getting out of the house. So I bought a second hand one and I've been doing it every second morning since. I have to kick myself in the butt some, but I've managed to be pretty consistent and I'm finding that it is making a difference in how I feel ... energy is coming back slowly. Perhaps you could find something similar to do at home? What do you think Cat? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted January 1, 2010 Report Share Posted January 1, 2010 i want a spiritual experience, an awakening, a real one. or an increase in dopamine, seratonin, probbly the same thing.............and i apologise for this perspective. One thing I would like to change in 2010 would be to ''move'' dance for exercise, swim. but i wont, and if i do, it wont continue, cos the novelty will wear off so quickly, yep, even great feelings lose their attraction....i need a purpose good enuf to fuel a drive. i can talk the talk but i cant walk the walk :eek::eek:Sometimes purpose will find you when you least expect it to, but you have to be open to seeing it.There is much pleasure to be found in the calmer and more serene feelings in life as well. You mention wanting a spiritual experience. Do you write poetry at all? I don't know if it might be helpful to you, but it has helped me to try describing that which is beautiful. Bring it to life through your emotions. Trying letting go of the intellectual and allowing your heart to take over. Let the beauty have power and try not to resist its presence. You might find that much of it comes from within yourself. Just an exercise I use when I am feeling down. Makes me feel peaceful to know all that I see and all that there is to be seen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsirish Posted January 12, 2010 Report Share Posted January 12, 2010 i love your reply irmajane it itself is poetic, im no good at poetry but i do like reading it. thanks :eek: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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