Don't know why I can't stand my mother's touch

[reasonablybored]

Hi all

This is my first post so bear with me.

But I'm 26. I've lived out of my mom's house for nearly ten years now. In the last 5 or 6 years I have become totally repulsed anytime she touches me.

When I moved out of her house we didn't have a good relationship. Then as I matured a little it got better but now its worse than before (except that I can control my temper with her, whereas when I was younger I couldn't).

I know this is something I need to work on. She's not that touchy feely, but I'm pregnant and she likes to touch my belly. Even when she's just casually touching me (hand on shoulder during convo, er whatever) it takes every ounce of control I have not to SCREAM! My husband says that when she goes in for a hug or a kiss (she can't see) but you can actually see the revulsion on my face! I'm afraid I'll be just as bad if she tries to touch my child. How can you tell a grandma that she's not allowed to touch her grandchild? I don't think I could even say that to her. But I don't want to go on feeling like this every time she comes over for a visit.

Has anyone had anything like this? What did you/could you/would you do?

[Mark]

I'd like to say that I've dealt with a similar problem before but no such luck.

It's a boundary thing, whatever it is . Mom is invading your space. that's how it feels.

Will you share a little bit about the sort of issues youv'e had with your mother (in the past and today)? what caused you to leave home early, for instance? is there some history of your mother not respecting your personal boundaries?

[Influenza]

I'm a little different in that I do not like my dad touching me ..ever since i came to a realization of what he's been doing to me... to keep it short... things like martyr, emotional blackmail, completely broke the trust i had in him.. wounded and destroyed me so much that I'm currently disabled struggling with complex post traumatic stress disorder... I'm fortunate enough to find a new residence and moved away from him... though initially... i couldn't stand his presence... he shattered my trust so much that he became a stranger... one that was evil so i cant stand having him in the same room... it took over a year to get used to his presence around but even today... when he try to hold my hand or try to kiss me i resist it cause I'm still very much in remorse over what has been done...

I do have a friend though... she's like... she totally hates being touched by anyone... she says anyone who becomes her boyfriend will be very unfortunate cos she really hates physical interaction.... she says she's been this way ever since a child... she has PTSD.. but from the way she was chatting at the time.... i don't think her parents treated her badly when she was young... at least she doesn't seem to have any memory of such... she say though ever since she was a tiny child when her mum tried to hug her she'd shove her mum off... she smiles as she told me how occasionally her family will try to irritate her just by grabbing her by surprise.

Have you ever heard of a "so what" technique?... may or may not help.. but for me it did help me once and greatly too... you take your fear/anxiety... and put it in a question... "Suppose it were to happen... So what?" ... when i first heard of it i thought it was strange and very odd... i got picked during the group therapy to for demonstration... a great fear of mine was to achieve less then perfect/elite scores in exams... therapist asked me "So what if you don't get perfect grades?" ... i didn't want to answer but she demanded an answer so i gave it some thought... If i didn't get top grades... i wouldn't be in the circle of the elite group... then the therapist blatantly said "so what?" .. i just looked at her thinking that was a strange thing to say... but ... "so what?" she demanded an answer.. .. so i gave it some thought... if such were to happen... i may no longer be widely recognized by teachers as a special student... then the therapist went on "so what???" (and yup she demanded an answer... ) ... then suddenly i saw something that i never realized was there... and it was very strong and powerful... .... I'm not ready yet to share too much though... i was bullied at an early age... and during that time i relied on academic achievements as my lifeline... my sole source of self esteem... the bullying stopped for many years and i was sure i forgotten all about it... it was on that day i realized the memories did not disappear.. just got buried... over the years i got much therapy... the past bullying don't effect me as much as they used to

[reasonablybored]

Well, really circumstances just made me leave home early. When I went to college I just never came back. Even though I was still young I preferred to stay at friend's houses over the summer and then restart school. When I was old enough to start signing leases that's what I did. (I've always had a job and been self-sufficient. We were poor when I was a kid so I've always HAD to have a job and waitressing pays a lot of money- especially to young, reasonably attractive women.)

But yes, she did have trouble with boundaries. When I was like 19-21 I thought I kind of forgave her for all that stuff though. Most days of middle and high school I went to school with red puffy face from crying. When it wasn't me, it was my brother. She would get in my face and be screaming (memorable incidents, but I don't remember what sparked them). I would ask her to leave, get out of my room etc. but she would never just back off. She would just keep screaming at me. I tried to remain calm even though half the time if I would start crying or scream back she WOULD back off. I always hated that. How she needed to provoke a reaction out of me. She couldn't just be happy with screaming in my face. I had to be crying and going crazy myself. But I would still try to remain calm because it's embarrassing to have to go to school when you've obviously been crying.

A few times we even fought. After she refused to leave me in peace. My stepdad had to pull me off of her. Even he was trying to tell her to just leave me alone. To let me go to school. To discuss it later. I am not a violent person. I feel like anyone would have fought her way earlier than I did. She really does not know when to let things go.

But I seriously thought I got over that. Made my peace with it. She and I still have boundary issues. The baby-on-the-way has brought them out in full swing.

My husband and I are fairly non-traditional (in fact, he's only my "husband" because we wanted to make sure I would be covered under health insurance if anything happened during birth). We made a long term commitment to each other, decided to start a family and have a giant party to just celebrate the beginning of our life together. NO fancy wedding, no baby showers, (neither one of us likes to be the center of attention). We were just thinking giant family bbq, people can bring presents if they want. We're okay on "stuff" and money so really we just wanted them there.

Well every idea associated with this party, including the party itself was "tacky." We're still having it, but she insists on having a baby shower for me. I didn't want one. And to make matters worse is that she insists on having it at her house. 3 hours away from all the rest of my friends and family and with me almost 8 months pregnant. No one is going to be there but her and my grandma and aunts.

Our family party is in June. I feel stupid asking people to come to a baby shower in march and then come celebrate the family in June. I'm also worried that my aunts and grandma won't come (to our family party) because they've already celebrated the baby and we got married in December. I expressed these sentiments to my mother but she just didn't care. She's getting this small party catered and I said I would rather just make it a potluck and she still didn't care.

It was important to me that the entire family be at our family party. It was important that we all celebrate together, mine and my husbands family. It was important that we do it all together, with our baby already born, this way folks could meet the baby too. Now I'll just have people crooning over my belly and me opening presents in a shallow, materialistic, totally exclusive party run completely by my mother. (What about my husband's mother? His grandmother? Doesn't she think about this stuff? What about the fact that it's three hours away and I could give BIRTH away from my midwife?) Not my idea of a fun time.

This is not the only issue I have with her, but its the one in the forefront of my mind. To spell them all out would take a lifetime.

I've tried to be open with my sentiments with her. Ever since I was about 20 I decided for my own mental health I needed to just be open with her about what I want, how I want to live my life. I felt like if I didn't start being that way I would eventually go insane. I've even tried to tell her that she's a control freak. We have a water filter that needs to be filled everyday. Last time she came over she insisted on filling it even though my husband filled it before he went to work. I was trying to explain to her that it would overflow. She just wouldn't listen. I think half the time she's trying to be helpful but she just doesn't know when to stop.

I felt like just telling her what I want/need worked for a little while. But now this touching thing has come up and I just get repulsed. I want to love my mother. I think I DO love her. But there is some kind of serious issue here. I don't know anyone else whose ever felt like this towards someone (and my husband's parents weren't all that great either).

Now I'm worried that I won't be able to handle it if she tries to hug or kiss my baby. Plus she talks about wanting to take him for a week(!) to stay at "grandma's house." This is something I could definitely not allow. I have even made that clear to her. But she laughed at me and said "she understood." She didn't want anyone to take me or my brother either in the beginning. I said "No, I wouldn't want him in your house because you and "stepdad" argue too much and its a very negative atmosphere. Plus I feel like you're sexist and I don't want my son growing up questioning himself just because he happens to be a man and grandma was always putting down men." She started crying.

The last time we went to her house it was to see my brother because he came from a few states away to visit. We were all going out to dinner and I was gonna ride in the car with him and his gf. She instantly was like "No you're not, they smoke, you're not going to be in the car with smokers." I said " You know, we don't have to do this. This is not going to be a day where it gets all tense. We're all adults. 'Brother' would you be willing not to smoke in the car when I'm in it with you?" he said "Sure" and I said "So there, that's that. I'm riding with my brother." She started crying.

I can't stand that! I mean, we're all adults now and I'm gonna be a mommy soon (yay!) but seriously, who is the mother here? Why am I the one that has to check HERself and be the bad woman. Why can't she see that it was totally inappropriate to assume that I wouldn't ask my brother not to smoke in the car? I asked my in-laws not to smoke in their own house when I was there! I could certainly ask my own brother not to smoke in the car for a ten minute ride. I've got tact. I know how to do these things. I'm not helpless and I KNOW WHAT I WANT. (not yelling, just emphasizing)

well, you asked for it. there it is. there really is so much more. i'm trying to get over it though. i try to be understanding. i know she's depressed/going through menopause/in an unhappy marriage. but still, this is my life. AND it just unnerves me that I can't be touched by my own mother without shuddering. i wonder what implications that will have for me and my son? by feeling this way towards my mom is he gonna pick up on that? will he end up feeling the same way about me? if i ever have a daughter will our relationship be like this?

i guess i should include that my mom and her sisters are perpetually fighting. every family affair, every get together, is marred. the last one by my two aunts getting into a fist-fight. i cannot allow my life to be like that. I feel like if this feeling of repulsion continues I will have to just cut her out completely. that, or risk actually fighting her (because that feeling is there) in front of my child and other family. I don't want that. I don't need a "perfect" family, but I'd like to be able to hug my mother or have a family party and not have to defend my actions (or my physical person).

whew. that's long. sorry. thanks.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Wow, Wow, Please do not apologize for your "long story." It was extremely compelling to read.

Who said you have to be the "bad one," in your relationship with your mother. Mom does not "get it." She wants to keep mothering you and cannot take "no" for an answer. When you get angry at her and set boundaries, she cries and you feel guilty. I know that its hard to not feel guilty. I also came from a family where boundaries were not really understood. It is important that you set limits for your mother and between you, your mother and your marriage.

What about a bbq with friends and no family?

What advice would ther all of you out there give?

Allan Schwartz

[reasonablybored]

we could definitely have a bbq with just friends...

its just that i guess i wanted all of our family (and friends) to meet. we're from two different parts of the state so no one has met each other yet. we've been together for 4 years, we have a child on the way, and no one has met. this bothers me.

if this is an issue of her wanting to "mother" me, and i do trust your judgment...then why didn't she take that opportunity when she was screaming in my face as a teenager. or collecting cans for her drug problem (or rather for food money since drugs were more important than dinner) when my brother and i were young.

if she needs reassurance that she is a good mom she's not gonna get it from me. especially not by constantly pushing herself on me. its really just making me mad.

my husband said something interesting. he said if it is a problem with boundaries that she doesn't respect -- then maybe me not wanting to be touched by her is just me making that boundary smaller and smaller until it became myself. my actual physical boundary. since i can't seem to control her infiltrating any other part of my life.

i thought that was interesting.

[Mark]

There are all kinds of boundaries and the boundary around ourselves is one of them. Meaning, I think your husband is on to something with his comment.

So based on your story you do have a complicated history with your mother, who it sounds like wants to do right by you but has a hard time figuring out how to do that appropriately due to issues of her own. You comment that you act like more of an adult than she does, and maybe that is also accurate. Not everyone matures socially-emotionally at the same rate. See my essays (1 and 2) about Robert Kegan for more detail on that.

My guess is that you're chronically angry at mom for being "abusive" in a manner of speaking. that abuse might have been neglect, and it might have been a sort of steamrollering over your own ideas and person. Not necessarily physical abuse (although that fighting doesn't sound fun). Not trying to call names here or place blame (as we are all people living in glass houses and throwing stones breaks glass). Just thinking more that your complicated feelings about being touched are grounded in some emotion and my guess is that you're furious at mom for a variety of things. But also not feeling like you're allowed to be that way and so you don't "defend" yourself too well maybe and she pokes at you (trying to love you in a non-nourishing manner) and you can't run but rather just accept it and shudder.

IF that at all feels like a reasonable summary, maybe reading about Assertiveness would be helpful.

Mark

[reasonablybored]

we do assertiveness training at the school where i work (part of counseling/intervention services for at-risk students)

and the thing was...i thought i was being assertive.

i found the articles on Kegan's social maturity "path" interesting. I don't know where me or my mom would fit on there. In some respects, because I am so non-traditional in my daily life I would put myself at the interindividual level. But then, if i am "chronically angry" at my mother and feel like i can't be, maybe that leaves me at 3. Maybe it's possible that just as people can be at different points on the path throughout their lives, they can also be on different points of the path when it comes to certain issues. Like the sociopaths example. They have a certain degree of social maturity, but on the whole are considered socially immature.

back to the point...i thought i was being assertive. a few years back i made the conscious decision to always be assertive (esp. when it comes to dealing with her) but as you said she just steamrolls my efforts at being assertive and i'm trying not to cause disharmony. i tell her what i want. what i would prefer. i appreciate you're direction, but i just don't know how to get through to her that what I'm saying is important to me and i'm not just babbling different ideas to make her life harder or to contradict what she wants. in fact, i feel like that's what she does to me. yesterday she told me i was being selfish when i said i wanted to talk about the details of the baby shower. i just said i wanted to TALK. How is that selfish? there was no demand, no ultimatum.

I guess I'm realizing that yes I'm angry. Yes I'm trying not to be angry. Sometimes I feel like my being angry is unwarranted, especially when she's just trying to help. But other times I feel like my anger is totally justifiable, even when she is just trying to help. If someone wants to help someone else sometimes the best thing to do is to HELP them do what they want. Maybe if I wanted to go rollerskating instead of having a baby shower then she could have the right to intervene and do things her way and call me selfish. But I'm not. I'm asking for it not to be centered around presents and to not waste the money on catering.

so how do you deal with someone who in no way respects assertiveness. the more i think about this the more i get angry. i'm at the end of my rope with this woman. no wonder i can't stand her attempts at physical affection. who wants physical affection from someone who doesn't respect your ideas and individuality? one time she said to me "if you were my age I would be your friend, but i don't think you'd be mine." BINGO. And no she wouldn't be my friend, she would just talk at me and call me her friend. but she wouldn't really be a friend. just some crazy aggressive b*tch that i know and try to avoid whenever i see her in the supermarket.

with all that being said i guess my next question would be...do i tell her that her complete lack of regard for mySelf has got me repulsed by her?

she's bound to take it the wrong way.

[Mark]

Ow! that's funny and painful in the same moment. I have to think on this. More later.

One time she said to me "if you were my age I would be your friend, but i don't think you'd be mine." BINGO. And no she wouldn't be my friend, she would just talk at me and call me her friend. but she wouldn't really be a friend. just some crazy aggressive b*tch that i know and try to avoid whenever i see her in the supermarket.

[NicaB]

Hi rb,

I can't stand my mother, and I can't stand being touched by her either. If I ever had kids (which isn't likely) I'd never, ever let her near them. I'm thinking mine is borderline, which means she's almost impossible to reason with. She kept hugging me the other day, and it was just an awful feeling. A stranger walked by and gave me a hug, and it was honest and genuine, where my mother's somehow was not. And my mother always cornered me and yelled at me for often stupid things, and to this day I hate being in a one-on-one situation with someone, especially if it's a woman. I generally don't like being touched, either. A manager used to tease me and hug me on purpose because she knew I didn't like it.

I suppose I don't have any real advice. But you're not alone in feeling like that. I'd be perfectly fine with cutting my mother out of my life; I just don't know how yet. But I'd say that you have every right to be angry and to do what you want.

[reasonablybored]

Hey Nica

Thanks. It's feel like it's so weird that it happened AFTER I had decided to stop being angry for the stuff that she did when I was a kid. After I got out of her house.

I really don't have an aversion towards anyone else like this. I actually like to hug and be affectionate and need it back (especially from my man). I do have trouble maintaining friendships with women though, but then again, I have trouble maintaining friendships period because I've moved so much. (Army-brat who never got out of the habit of hopping around). That's one thing I love about my husband. His friends and are the friends he's had since grade school. They all seem so close-knit. It's something I really admire because I've always wanted that.

I totally feel you on that stranger-hug incident. That's happened so many times, especially with me being pregnant. It's like, I'm trying to feel my mom's love through her touch, but really I just feel negative energy spewing all over me. I can get more love from a passerby on the street who looks at my belly and smiles.

I'm not too familiar with borderline. Or any diagnosis for that matter. So I wouldn't be able to say if my mom has a specific problem. I know that as a child she was sexually abused by her stepfather and court ordered to do three months of therapy. But he abused her for like 7 years!! And at first my grandma didn't believe her that it was happening. I've asked her if she thought three months was enough time for therapy and she said yeah, that she was over it. But sometimes I feel like she's totally not. She plays herself as the victim in so many situations. I guess it could be unrelated, but I don't think that it is. Eh. It's complicated. No more talk about that.

Thank you for your post. It's good to know I'm not the only one. My question is, does it bother you that you can't be touched by her, or have you made your peace with it? If my mom started hugging me just to bother me I think I'd scream. I think someplace deep down she knows I don't want to be touched (whether she knows its just by her, I'm not sure) because she usually asks or is hesitant. I think she knows that if she just started hugging me over and over again I would get really mad.

[Mark]

i found the articles on Kegan's social maturity "path" interesting. I don't know where me or my mom would fit on there. In some respects, because I am so non-traditional in my daily life I would put myself at the interindividual level. But then, if i am "chronically angry" at my mother and feel like i can't be, maybe that leaves me at 3. Maybe it's possible that just as people can be at different points on the path throughout their lives, they can also be on different points of the path when it comes to certain issues.

I've thought this myself for some time. Kegan wrote his book assuming that people would be wholely in one state of maturation at a time but I've found looking at my own life and observing others that you can be at different stages of maturation in different aspects of your life.

I guess I'm realizing that yes I'm angry. Yes I'm trying not to be angry. Sometimes I feel like my being angry is unwarranted, especially when she's just trying to help. But other times I feel like my anger is totally justifiable, even when she is just trying to help.

These patterns of being generally passive or assertive or aggressive in a particular context (like your family context with mom) are deeply ingrained. Even when you make progress to get out of them, you tend to drift back into the patterns if you don't work on them constantly. Don't beat yourself up. Just realize what is happening and get back on the horse (e.g., start thinking about how to assert yourself again).

back to the point...i thought i was being assertive. .... she just steamrolls my efforts at being assertive. so how do you deal with someone who in no way respects assertiveness.

The baseline pattern is you are passive/invaded/angry and she is insensitive/invading/trying-to-be-helpful. If you start asserting yourself as you have, it is normal for her to steamroll - that is called escalation, and it is what happens when an established pattern gets interrupted. The logic of it goes, "gee, this isn't working the normal way, maybe I ought to apply more force". At this point you need to hold your ground and not give (or not give much). This is the hard part. Eventually, if you can hold your ground, something called habituation will occur where your mother will get used to the new status quo and not challenge it so much. She will probably try new tactics like guilting you and being a victim (it's common anyway). If you cave during the escalation, you will have reinforced the invasion. You may feel very guilty or selfish about holding the boundary in the face of the onslaught, but that's normal too. That is the part of you which is wanting to honor your mother which is a good impulse even if it needs to be reigned in sometimes. It's okay to allow yourself to be selfish at times (and this can and should be done without being cruel).

There are some people who decide that they need to cut family members out of their lives. This should be a last resort, obviously. Your mother sounds insensitive to your needs, but she is clearly trying to connect with you and clearly not trying to hurt you. If you can find the energy and will inside yourself to defend from her invasions, I think you will find a lot to appreciate about her when you are more defended. It is the invasions that are ruining things, it seems like to me.

with all that being said i guess my next question would be...do i tell her that her complete lack of regard for mySelf has got me repulsed by her?

she's bound to take it the wrong way.

Don't say it that way if that will be insulting. That is aggressive not assertive. Assertive is firm but also respectful. Try something like, "Mom, I love you and appreciate all you're trying to do but I don't want it the way you want it. I need you to hear and respect what I want. When you impose your will on me, I feel disrespected and I don't want to be with you, and that hurts us both" and then tell her what you want. And then keep repeating that theme. Hold the boundary in a kind but firm way and see what happens.

[janet]

I am a mom now- I also have had an up and down relationship with my mother. I have gone through not trusting my mother's touch as genuine. During that time all I wanted to do is scream if she touched me to "make up and show me that she loved me"

I have to add that I looked to others for replacing my mothers love- NOT a good idea I picked lousy people and had lousy relationships both with friends and boyfriends.

What i do not advise is to keep it in- I turned to hurting myself for a long time.

I can let you know that I would let my mom know the truth about they way I felt about what she did as a mother and that I will not allow for my own children. If this meant she would not be a part of their lives so be it - I let her know that she needed to respect me as an adult and follow my rules for MY family. If she did not then I could not allow her to be a part of MY family - this is me protecting what is in my life - what i love and hold dear.

We now have a good relationship- we speak on the phone daily and I do see her once a year for my birthday. I live 2,000 miles away, this does help a lot. I have become my own person and I raise my family. I hope you can find it in you to stand for yourself and your child- your child needs to have your hugs and touch and kisses to make him/her the best person you can help them to be.

[Natalie]

Janet makes an important point about touch. Children who are not touched (in a loving way, of course) regularly may not bond properly with their caregivers. Just like children who are abused, children who are deprived of physical forms of affection may have poor social, emotional, and interpersonal skills later on.

[reasonablybored]

yeah...actually in the rest of my life i'm fairly touch-oriented. i love affection, just sometimes it takes me time to warm-up to some people...but i see it as normal, and if its not, it doesn't bother/hinder me at all in relationships I AM comfy with. hehehe.

i actually had an opportunity to be "firm" with her last weekend at my cousin's birthday party. we told her that (barring any complications) we didn't really want anyone visiting us until we got home from the hospital with the baby. We didn't have time to explain why--The hospital stay for uneventful births is only 24 hours...hubby is allowed to stay overnight with us if all goes well. I figured that this would be a good time for us all to bond and for me to get breastfeeding established, etc etc. Well she took it horribly and ran out of the crowded restaurant crying...we got dirty looks from everyone and it was just a bad scene. My grandma and aunts went to console her and when i didn't show up in the bathroom to apologize or whatever they were expecting I got a lecture about how I am going to be a mom too one day and i should treat my mom how i would want to be treated. I said "I would hope that as a mother I would respect my adult child's wishes."

My mom and I have talked since the incident, but neither one of us has brought up my hospital policy. I'm afraid if I do she'll think that the topic is up for discussion. Which it is not. I know already that she called my brother and complained to him, and called my mother in law and complained to her. My brother took my mom's side...my mother in law, whose daughter also requested 24 hours before visitors, tried to explain to my mom our reasons, but she said my mom just wasn't going to budge.

Had she not run out of the room and made a scene, we could have explained our reasons, we also could have reassured her that if anything did go wrong she would be more than welcome to come see me and the baby in the hospital...and that if all went well, well then within 24 hours she would be more than invited to come and share the new baby with us in the comfort of our own home.

it doesn't help that at every family function she gets totally wasted and hyper-emotional. At my college graduation party she stood up and went around the room and said one thing about everyone that she did not like! and she was serious!

at my cousins birthday party last weekend, besides running out of the restaurant crying she got totally wasted and was turning every conversation into something about herself. I'm afraid at what's going to happen this weekend at my baby shower...wish me luck!!!

[reasonablybored]

oh yeah, and when it comes to touching our little baby...i can't wait...i already can't keep my hands off my belly and i so enjoy feeling him move underneath my skin!!

i can't wait to munch on his little toes and play with the soft hair on his head. hehehehe.

[nightfalls]

Hi reasonablybored,

I wanted to coment on your responce.....I would hope as a mother I would respect my adult childs wishes....wow very good responce to that situation!!!

Also I wanted to let you know that when I had my first son 5 years ago I also told my family I wouldn't be having visitors at the hospital and that they were welcome to come to my home after I got settled. The hospital is a time for rest and getting started with your baby and SO busy already that there is not alot of time especally when the stay is only 24 hours, anyways it didn't go over well and my family really pushed me to much on the topic so my husband and I desided that when the time came we would just go to the hospital have the baby and make the call to everyone when I was ready or ready to leave. I know it hurt my family but I just couldn't cope with people around me in there so it was what was best for me and the baby. I did deside this second time around to let my parents visit at the hospital more for them then me but I was ok for a short visit I just made it very clear that if I got worse anxiety then they would have to go and they were ok with that..When are you do?

take care.

[reasonablybored]

hey forgeting

i am due may 20...or thereabouts anyway...baby isn't on a timeclock or anything

yeah...i liked the fact that i came up with that comment and didn't just sit there flabbergasted at being lectured...but my aunt didn't take it very well and just looked flabbergasted herself...i think the point of it went over her head.

hahahah...i'm glad your husband was on board with waiting to give people the call...that was my plan too, but my husband and i didn't really discuss it (the not calling part...we were both on board with the no-visitors part). He is naturally a very upfront person (not aggressive, not mean, just truly honest) so when my mom asked if he had her cell number in his cell phone so she could be called right when i went into labor he said yes he had the number but that we weren't accepting visitors at the hospital anyway. AHHHH!! he apologized to me later in the car...i wasn't mad at him...it's just i don't think he realized what he was gonna stir up!! plus his intentions were genuine...he doesn't like it when my mom pushes me around...so he was just trying to set her straight. she started crying when she realized she wasn't getting anywhere with him and that it wasn't just him "talking" or "making up a rule" but that it was something we had actually talked about and he was relating it to her. in fact, i didn't really even notice that the convo was going on until she started crying, and that's when i tried to explain to her all the details...to no avail.

rah rah rah....

like you did, i might be more willing to compromise with second baby...but for this one i am anxious about the hospital and i don't think mom being there would make it any better. every hospital experience i've ever had has been BAD. Granted that's only 2 and one of them I don't even remember...but the one i do remember was bad enough, and stories i hear about the first one leave a bad taste in my mouth.

[texasgirl]

Hi rb,

I can't stand my mother, and I can't stand being touched by her either. If I ever had kids (which isn't likely) I'd never, ever let her near them. I'm thinking mine is borderline, which means she's almost impossible to reason with. She kept hugging me the other day, and it was just an awful feeling. A stranger walked by and gave me a hug, and it was honest and genuine, where my mother's somehow was not. And my mother always cornered me and yelled at me for often stupid things, and to this day I hate being in a one-on-one situation with someone, especially if it's a woman. I generally don't like being touched, either. A manager used to tease me and hug me on purpose because she knew I didn't like it.

I suppose I don't have any real advice. But you're not alone in feeling like that. I'd be perfectly fine with cutting my mother out of my life; I just don't know how yet. But I'd say that you have every right to be angry and to do what you want.

I have the same problem with my mother, the only way I could get away form it was to cut her out of my life. Making peace with that decision has taken some time. And yes my mothers touch makes my skin crawl, I really hope there is not an underlying cause for that maybe I am blocking out. My mother ignored the abuse I received from my dad, made it worse in some ways. She is very controlling, manipulative ,very good at making me feel worthless and sending you an a guilt trip. I really felt that I had no other choice but to make a clean break from her. My mother is the kind of person that wants to be in your life but she wants it her way or not at all. After many years of pleasing her unsuccessfully and having it her way I came to the conclusion. That I would rather not have a mother at all. To this day I have no idea how or where she is, it has taken some time but I'm ok with that.

[texasgirl]

Hi rb,

I can't stand my mother, and I can't stand being touched by her either. If I ever had kids (which isn't likely) I'd never, ever let her near them. I'm thinking mine is borderline, which means she's almost impossible to reason with. She kept hugging me the other day, and it was just an awful feeling. A stranger walked by and gave me a hug, and it was honest and genuine, where my mother's somehow was not. And my mother always cornered me and yelled at me for often stupid things, and to this day I hate being in a one-on-one situation with someone, especially if it's a woman. I generally don't like being touched, either. A manager used to tease me and hug me on purpose because she knew I didn't like it.

I suppose I don't have any real advice. But you're not alone in feeling like that. I'd be perfectly fine with cutting my mother out of my life; I just don't know how yet. But I'd say that you have every right to be angry and to do what you want.

Hey Y'all,

It is not easy to cut your mother out of your life, It's along hard road but I found very necessary. The hardest part for me was getting it through my mothers thick head that no matter what she did nothing was going to change my decision. She has even tried going through my husband and son to get to me but with no success. I also have ended a relationship with one of my sisters over this. The only one of 7 kids that still as anything to do with my mother, yes that is right she has ruined relationships with 6 of us kids. My sister doesn't like the way " I treat her mother ". Those were the last words she said to me, and she is right she is HER MOTHER NOW not mine anymore. My sister left home when she was 20, left me suffocating in the abuse. She has no idea what I went through to bring me to the point of not wanting a mother, nor does she take the time to find out. It does get easier as each year and holiday pass without hearing from her. I guess the worst part is the longing I have for a mother not her but the kind of mother I never had.

Now for my son I kept him away from her for some time when he was young. She even tried to sue me so she could see him. I was careful never to talk bad of her in front of him, It was going to be his decision and only his not to have a relationship with her. Not my hatred for her.

When he was 8 or 9 he saw her off and on, but he figured out for himself how she was. He is now 15 and it's still his choice to see her or not. So far he chosen not to, he receives mail from her on occasion and throws it away, and I return mine to her.

My mother doesn't give you a choice, she acts like it's your duty to have her in your life just because she gave birth to you. That's just it though thats all she did she was never a mother. I imagine she is a lonely miserable old woman,the very thing she never wanted to be. That is by her own doing and I do not feel sorry for her not in the least bit.

[texasgirl]

Hi rb,

I can't stand my mother, and I can't stand being touched by her either. If I ever had kids (which isn't likely) I'd never, ever let her near them. I'm thinking mine is borderline, which means she's almost impossible to reason with. She kept hugging me the other day, and it was just an awful feeling. A stranger walked by and gave me a hug, and it was honest and genuine, where my mother's somehow was not. And my mother always cornered me and yelled at me for often stupid things, and to this day I hate being in a one-on-one situation with someone, especially if it's a woman. I generally don't like being touched, either. A manager used to tease me and hug me on purpose because she knew I didn't like it.

I suppose I don't have any real advice. But you're not alone in feeling like that. I'd be perfectly fine with cutting my mother out of my life; I just don't know how yet. But I'd say that you have every right to be angry and to do what you want.

Y'all ,

I apologize for being so long winded

[Mark]

TexasGirl

This is not long winded - it's just those words necessary to convey your experience. I appreciate knowing about it and I think it is supportive. The basis for support is usually some shared experience in common, and you have mother issues just like Reasonably Bored (and about 90% of the rest of the population to a lesser extent, or so it would seem ).