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Could use a little help.


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Hello. I'm kinda new to this, so bear with me if I'm out of line. I guess I just want to throw some stuff out there and see what other people say. My name is Bill and I'm 22 years old. I am engaged, I work at a decent company, and other than busting my ass 55 hours a week I usually like to fish. I have a few things that I'm not sure how to deal with. I really don't know what to do. First and foremost, I wake up five out of seven weekdays miserable. Almost like I start off in a bad mood, but not knowing why. The last month has been a little wild. I juist moved into a different town, started a new job, and I'm finishing up a bankruptcy claim. Since I figured out that I filled my income taxes wrong and didn't get anything back(money I was counting on), I have been scrapping. I work so hard and feel like I'm pushing against a boulder that I'll never move. Lately I have been lashing out at people that don't deserve it, like my fiance'. I'm not physically violent, but I could rip out someone's heart with my vocabulary when I'm in a mood. I hate that. It's gotten so hard for me to carry that I have wondered if my prior cocaine addiction has somehow made a chemical change in my brain that I can never reverse. I have been clean for 8 months. I am just so negative anymore and didn't used to be. Really, I can't afford to see a doctor and when I try to talk to my family it just doesn't result in any kind of help for me. I talk to God a lot. Still I struggle. I have thought about suicide, but not as if I would really do it. I'm not one of those whinny brats who put on an act. I just imagine what would happen, I don't advertise. I spoke with my father about it trying to get some reassurance that I hadn't permanently damaged myself in stupidity, and all I got was a weird look and " Wow, I've never had those thoughts before." Another thing that bothers me is that I used to be able to talk to anyone without fail. Now whenever I speak I fumble my words, like I don't have confidence anymore. For example, I started my new job and when everyone goes on break, I go to the bathroom and sit in a stall. I'm not affraid of them by any means, I just really don't like trying to be talkative with anyone anymore. I feel like no one really listens, so why the hell should I? I used to be tight with my family. I'm one of the only guys I know that still gave his dad a hug and a kiss on the cheek in his 20's, and trust me I am not feminine in nature. I really used to have a bond. I have to kid sisters who are 17 and 13. The 17 year old I cannot stand, an the thirteen year old is too young for me to have any common interests with. My mom is a pot fiend with many mental issues herself, and both of my parents are alcoholics. I feel further from everyone I love with each new day. Sorry if this is a bit much, and thanks if you read it. I just need a little direction.

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Hi bill

I think that alot of what you are talking about sounds like depression feelings and mabe if you had some help with that you could feel a bit better on the grand scope of things. I think it is great that you are engaged "congrats" but it must be hard to move and change jobs and file bankrupcy all at once, that is alot of pressure. Taxes stress me out too, I completly have NO idea how they figure it out and evey time I do them and think I did it right or pay people to do it right it is still wrong and the amount changes normally I get a "now you owe this amount" I think I could scream every year I do them. I think to myself I'd like to just chuck the papers into a envelope and just send them and write a nice letter to the people "if you'd like to just play around with this and let me know when you are done with whatever amount you decide to come up with, and I'll see to it when your done" :D I know I can't do that...but I'd like to.

Anyways I think if you go to a Dr and try to get some help with your mood and adjusting to all the changes going on around you.

Have you set a date for your wedding?

and Take care.:(

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It does sound depression-ish. Your mood is irritable, there is a lot of stress happening, you're negative (in contrast to normal), you say you are less confident, discouraged and fumbling with words (although you are quite articulate in your message to us) and most importantly, you are experiencing suicidal ideation. Probably a good idea to read up on depression such as in our Major Depression topic center to understand what this problem entails and what treatments are available.

There are several different kinds of therapy for depression problems, the most widely known being anti-depressant medication. These medicines can do a world of good if they prove to be a good fit for a given person, but it can take time to find the right medicine, and there are side effects such as (for men) difficulty getting an erection. There are several scientifically studied forms of psychotherapy, including cognitive behavioral therapy and interpersonal therapy which are known to treat depression too. Of these two, CBT is more widely available. You can read more about these different treatment options in the topic center link above.

re: your former cocaine usage. Congraduations for getting off that stuff, and for your continuing sobriety. Cocaine is a stimulant, and when you become dependent on any stimulant, your body does tend to try to equalize it by developing depressant reactions to compensate for the stimulation. This is what produces the tolerance effect. When you come off the cocaine or other stimulant, the depressant effect can still be there for a while. Depression is thus fairly common as a side effect of prolonged stimulant use. There's even a diagnosis of "Cocaine-induced Mood Disorder" which can be made in recognition of this effect. This doesn't mean your brain is permanently wrecked - the effects of cocaine are not permanent when you've only used for a while - just that it is possible that the cocaine usage did push you towards a mood problem. The stress you're under doesn't help either. Treatment of the mood problem should be capable of bringing you back towards your normal self, I would think.

Hope this helps.


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