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Jetliner

By Jetliner
in General Support

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LaLa Senior Member

LaLa

Posted
Posted

Hello, John,

It's a nice "coincidence" that I decided to read this thread now, when the story is almost at the end (a happy end, I hope!!! ;) ). I can only "plead" I don't know what to say... So I only wish you a real happyend!!! :)

I know that this is not the best place to write it, but... Your story reminds me one "topic" my therapist consider very important for me (and the fact that I don't "is one of his proofs" :) (it means that he thinks it was so hard for me as a child that I "supressed it" to my unconsciousness and have considered it as unimportant)): I don't know my father and never asked my mum about who he was and why he never cared about us. I mention it here only as a different exemple of coping with "a parental issue". I don't care and I never did. The therapist was the first who told me that it doesn't mean it is not a problem. He thinks that I was unconsciously hurt as a child by the fact that my father don't want me and that may be one of the reasons why I hated myself almost all my life. I can't believe it, but ... it's nice to tell to myself that this was THE reason, so the reason is absurd, thus I don't have any reason to hate myself, so I will not do it anymore... Nice, but... I'd like to BELIEVE it. I still can't. I don't know if there is a way to "get a proof that it's true"...

I wish you good luck again!!!

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mscat Senior Member

mscat

Posted
Posted

Jetliner ,

the way I see it is that you can't go wrong looking and finding out about your biological family . No matter what their is that connection . It is a strong connection that can't go away , because it is always there .

Even though I was separated from my family due to abuse , their was always a nagging feeling that this family was out there , and they wanted me .

It took over 35 yrs for me to see them , and it was odd . My brothers di not turn out well , but they were still my family ... still that connection. Soon my brother has to move away . Far away accross the United States ... I am sad because of this and unsure how I feel .

The only brother that turned out semi ok is leaving me , and I am going through some abdoment issues . I want to spend as much time with him as possible before he moves . After he does leave , it will hurt emotionally , and I do not know how I am going to feel .

It is going to just be my son and I living in a tiny town after they leave . I am already feeling badly about it .

WHen you do find your family treasure it , because you just do not know what will happen in the future .

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LaLa Senior Member

LaLa

Posted
Posted

Hi, John,

Thanks for sharing your story and feelings and also for your reply to my post (it doesn't matter that you didn't catch it sooner!).

I'm wondering how you will "handle the truth"... But as it seems you're very good prepared to it, I believe it will give you mostly very positive feelings :).

Mscat, I hope you'll overcome soon these sad abdoment issues :) ... Isn't it possible to visit your brother sometimes, or to write some letters...? Or this would not help? :o

By the way, my opinion about my "father issue" has changed a bit: I really don't think it had such an impact on me as my therapist suggested. But I already understand (at least I think so... :rolleyes:) the most prominent impact: As a child, I was sure that "no father is needed to concieve a child", and as my "enviromnment" / "the society" / "all aroud" have been giving me proofs that "there is a biological role for a father", I tried to deny it and didn't wanted to "accept" it (I didn't tell anybody, these were my intimate feelings) and... it seems to me that this was at the beginning of my "intimacy issues" (which I'm not going to mention here)... So... I can understand this all, I can discuss it in therapy. That's very fine. But I can't imagine to come to the point of wanting to know who was/is my father. I still consider this information to be absolutely useless, even knowing and understanding how important this kind of information is for many of you here. I wonder if this will change someday...

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ForgetRegret Advanced Member

ForgetRegret

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Hi John,

I wish you ever bit of success on this journey!! Yes that's awesome that they made that new adoption law a few years ago.. also I would suggest to check out Parent Finders.. as they are very supportive/can answer any questions you may have regarding this journey.. Best of luck

<3

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Symora Senior Member

Symora

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A subconscious stalker indeed...:o To me you just sound like someone who is sensitive to others John, attuned to their needs and willing to listen.

I think that sometimes the universe works in mysterious ways, and perhaps who you are will be very helpful in dealing with your Mum once you get to know her...

I have a story that relates to that. When I was an infant I was nurtured by my grandma because my mom went back to work when I was 3 weeks old . So I bonded with my grandma for two years as if she was my mother, a bond that lasted for life. This was always a point of contention in my family. My father hated that I was closer to her (his mom) than my own mom, and the fact that my grandma always supported me even when my own parents did not. I always took care of my grandma and we were always very close. Fast foward 40 years.... Once my parents spent their winter in Florida, my Dad starting appreciating the fact that I took care of his Mom since he could relax over there. He died almost 3 years ago now, and I took charge of her care until her death at the age of 100 last year. I feel there was a reason why the universe worked it so that she and I bonded as we did when I was a baby, but it took 40 years for the reasons to really become evident....

I sounds like your natural tentencies may be very useful in rebuilding a relationship with her ... I hope that for you John :(

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Melanie Member

Melanie

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Hi John,

I have no actual knowledge of your situation and can only speak from the experience a friend of mine has recently had.

My friend did not know he had been adopted until around the age of 7 when he overheard a conversation. His is a complicated story but sadly for him his adoptive parents, once they had their own child, didn't want him, treating him very badly. He grew up and spent all his adult years hating the woman who had given him up, convincing himself that he had not been wanted and hating his adoptive parents who had treated him so cruelly. I can't imagine what it must be like to grow up knowing that, or believing it to be the truth. I feel sure that the person he is now is because of the heartache he went through as a child never feeling wanted, and being treated differently in the "family" that adopted him and never feeling loved. Sadly for him he has lost his own family and for the past year since his daughter died in her early 20's, has suffered incredible depression and mood swings, as you can imagine.

Some three weeks ago the communication between us seemed a little strained. I thought it was because he was thinking of his lost family. Also a friend had come to see him, whom he had not seen for some years (so he said) and told him his mother was ill and dying and my friend was there to comfort him (so he told me).

When we eventually spoke this "friend" who came to see him out of the blue was in fact his half brother and the friends "mother" who was was ill and dying was "his" mother as well. This has been a huge blow for him as for all his adult life he convinced himself she had not wanted him. The truth sadly was completely the reverse. It was not the done thing to be a single mother all those years ago and girls that were in that position were forced to give their babies up. This is what happened to him. He did, after much thinking and originally saying he wouldn't, attend the funeral, and he had gone to the hospital, but by then his "mother" was in a coma. All those lost years and all the things he wanted to say and ask gone. The one thing that has happened though is after believing he had no family he has found a half brother and having spent a week or so together I hope they forge some kind of bond and are a comfort to each other. The woman whom he thought had not wanted him had in fact thought of him all the time, and he has some of the letter she wrote to him (but were never received by him) dating back some 30 years.

I don't know if any of the above will be helpful to you, but the words "if only" spring to mind. Such small words, but they can have such a huge impact on our lives.

I hope that if you do decide to find your birth mother that the reunion is a good one. As I said above, I can not possibly know, having not been adopted, what it must feel like, but knowing the nosy person I am I would have to find out whatever the end result is. I think years ago it was incredibly hard to trace your family if you were adopted, and even harder for the mothers who had to give up their babies. I hope your search is not too fraught and wish you all the very best for the future.

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snakeroo Advanced Member

snakeroo

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Hey, I haven't logged in, in quite a while, just peeking to see if any replies to our other thread. I only just logged in and got your private message about THIS thread. By your post on May 21, I'd say you've been watching/listening to some of those Bruce Lipton videos? I am still so caught up in Bruce Lipton and Gregg Braden, that I've still only read about 40 pages of Primal Wound. But yeah, going with Bruce Lipton, it seems we do indeed "download programs" into our subconscious as early as when we are in the uterus. So those first 9 months are indeed recorded deep in us. So, you could very well always "known" of your mother's personal struggles and wanting to help her, could be reflected in your desire to reach out to women in conflict. But also consider events and things you recall up to about age 6. Cause that environment is also part of what shapes your fundemental beliefs and such too. (from uterus to age 6). I still haven't a clue about my biological parents or family, so nothing, womb-wise for me to go by)

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