seperated, 15 months, 6000 miles.

[DAG8819]

ok, excuse the grammar im going on 15 hours at work. i am a soldier in a classified unit. ive been deployed since september 07, and i got married august 07. due to the classified nature of my job, i cant tell my wife whats bothering me. jobs dont get much higher stress then this. and its tearing us apart. i love my wife very much, shes my whole world. i cant lose her. shes had it real rough since i left. she had some mental issues abnout a month ago, shes been put on several medications since. now she seems completely different, she isnt who i married anymore. lately shes been blowing me off to hang out with her friend that has tried to end our relationship since the start. what should i do? i wont be home until mid november.

[Guest ASchwartz]

DAG8819,

I would like to read suggestions from others, however, here is what I think, for what it's worth:

You are very far away and under enormous stress and in great danger. No one can control what other people will do, not under any circumstances. Given the amount of time away and the distance, you should, in my opinion, focus on where you are, what you are doing and nothing else. If you are allowed to write to her, just tell her you love her and nothing else.

Please remember, information becomes very distorted and, therefore, inaccurate when such great time and distance is involved.

I can assure you that, without knowing your wife, medication would change her personality. In other words, if there is anything going on, and you have no way of knowing, it would not be due to medication. Also, if she has a friend and is able to socialize now because she feels better, what is wrong with that?

Look, I cannot tell you that all is fine but I can tell you that there is no sense worrying. If anything, if she knows you are worried about her it could make her angry. Jealous lovers are often not appreciated. They are experienced as controlling. Life is hard enough where you are and doing what you are doing. Stop obsessing about your wife and do your job. That is the best I can suggest.

One more thing: You may be reacting to the stress connected with your mission more than anything else. How do all of you, there, find ways to relax and destress or are you able to, at all??

By the way: Thank you for trying to protect all of us.

What do others think??

Allan

Edited June 23, 2008 by ASchwartz
additional comment

[Mark]

Control and feeling out of control is a big deal in many people's lives, so it isn't surprising that you would feel out of control under the circumstances. That serenity prayer from AA keeps coming to my mind when I think about control

God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,

courage to change the things we can,

and wisdom to know the difference.

You don't have to believe in God to receive the wisdom therein by the way - it's just good advice. You are so far away from home that you cannot hope to control anything that is happening there. even if you were home, you'd have a little more control, but still could not mandate that things would work out the way you'd like. At the same time, you are likely in a situation which is really dangerous and which requires you to be present and as aware as possible so that you can survive to come home at a later date.

I think Allan's advice is really good advice - tell and show your wife you love her - make sure that she knows that - but otherwise, focus your attention on surviving and helping others to survive where you are presently. Since you cannot control what happens at home, the best thing to do is to accept whatever happens there and adapt. You certainly want to have input, but you cannot control the outcome.

I sincerely hope this helps you. And, as Allan said, thank you for working so hard and risking so much to keep us safe.

Mark