Arthur goodman

[Arthur]

Married 5/06/1967 - now married 41 Years this year. normal sex-life including wife conceiving our son in 1973 - now 35 years old, living in London doing IT- married with my grandson Luca. In Dec 1994 diagnosed with Benign Prostate Hyperplasia(BPH). Had TURP, successful, but led to foreskin problems leading to circumcision. since then sufferred from erectile dysfunction. Advised to try Caverject; only partially successful. I feel this is partially situational, despite great support from my wife. I need more active involvement by her. Is sex not supposed to be exciting and experimental? Am now 66 years old, and have two major spinal operations in 2007/2008(first one badly done. Still recovering with lumbago, despite psyothrapy. Am on coedine, pax and betasleep. Wife cannot,(not just not to want to), give me touchy-feely that I need. Probably because of age, having difficulty having erections without long stimulation, even with masturbation. MOst distressing as I feel emasculated, and NEED intimacy with the love of my life. It's killing me!!

Any Help?

[Mark]

arthur,

Not the worst possible problem you could have, but in the absense of other personal problems of greater significance, it is certainly a very painful one to experience.

Two issues that I note are possibly separable: 1) your medical complications and resulting erection problem, 2) your wife not giving you enough "active involvement". Was the later ever a problem before the former occurred, or is it something new that she is less engaged. If she is less engaged than before, have you talked to her about it? Good married sex is about intimacy and being comfortable with one another in large part (IMHO), so hopefully this is something you can address. What specifically would more "active involvement" look like - if you ask her for something, you need to be able to describe it.

I would consult with your physician and/or look up the medications you're using on rxlist.com or similar and find out if any of them are associated with erectile dysfunction. Good to know these things.

Have you looked into any of the "performance enhancing" medications like cialis or viagra?

Probably because of age, having difficulty having erections without long stimulation, even with masturbation. MOst distressing as I feel emasculated, and NEED intimacy with the love of my life. It's killing me!!

A few final points to consider is that when your mind is in a demanding place, which yours appears to be, it is hard to enjoy your life. But even if you cannot solve this issue, this is not the end of the world. Where I'm going is that we don't know if this situation is changable yet, so the first thing to do is to fully explore whether things can change to make it better (e.g., talk with your wife, examine your medications, etc.), but if it turns out that this is a new reality that will resist change, then the thing to do is to look to methods for accepting that reality without struggling against it too much. You may be telling yourself that you are less of a man, but that is not the case necessarily. Such statements to yourself may be more about beating yourself up, than being accurate truths. Sure, you've lost something you desire, but that doesn't mean you have become less of a person.

The psychotherapist Albert Ellis used to call it "musterbation" when people would tell him what they NEEDED - he would encourage them to talk about what they prefered, not what they needed. Ellis was too blunt for many people, but the idea is valuable anyway.

Hopefully this is food for thought and something you find helpful?

Mark