About being small and being small

[JulianP]

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[JulianP]

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[nearlydead]

I understand how we as small men filter all the information out there on size issues through our pained perception. Which makes us give more wieght to the negative, while ignoring the positive. That inorder for us to change, we have to change our perspective.

However, eventually I will have to share my penis with a woman. My penis is 4"X4" by anyones perception this is small. I cannot influence someone else's perception of my size.

I can change my thinking but I still have a small penis. Who am I really kidding here?

I realise there is progress to be made on my part. My two biggest problems are A) I dont really believe the positive stuff I am telling myself. If I put myself outhere and a woman comments negatively on my size or tells my social circle, what am I to do then.?

[malign]

To my mind, you're really close to a breakthrough, here, ND.

You're right, your actual dimensions aren't changeable, and it's quite possible that others would be able to perceive that they're unusual.

The question is why they should care, or why you should care, if they do.

I understand that there are insensitive people out there, who have made this an issue in the past. But it takes your participation to believe that their input is important. In a way, you have to already agree that size is a defining characteristic, or you'd just shrug off people making fun of you, the way you do if they made fun of any other part of you.

That's where you have leverage, where you can make a change in your own thinking, if you work at it. Because I think, personally, that there are a lot of other characteristics of a good man, and that you already have those.

Note that at no time am I asking you to kid yourself about anything. People who make fun of others are by definition idiots; you're entitled to ignore them.

[Recluse]

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[nearlydead]

So this is the cold hard truth of it.

1. I must convince myself at the deepest level that size does not matter to me.

2. If anyone ridicules me over my size, I must be able to ignore them at the deepest level.

Is this a cure? Because if it is I may as well convince myself I'm living in a castle made of gold and that I have a 10" penis that turns into a Ferrari whenever I want it to.

[malign]

I like your imagination; I wish I had a Ferrari penis. :-)

I'm just saying to look at it the way you'd look at anything else about yourself. If some woman made fun of you for being, I don't know, ugly, would you feel it "at the deepest level", or would you tell 'em to go screw themselves and go find another?

You see, it's because you already believe what they tell you, and you believe it outweighs every other possible good thing about yourself, that it hurts so much. In other words, your #2 would follow immediately, if you had #1. I don't know if, or how, you can change your perception, but that's where the problem is.

[JulianP]

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[nearlydead]

I get that because I am ashamed of my size, this is the reason that other peoples comments hurt so much. If I did'nt care about my size thier comments would mean nothing and I could ignore them. Live happily in ignorant bliss.

I get that women see me as a whole, that sex is an important part of a relationship but not all that is important in a relationship (This is something Lifeless needs to get his head round)

JP are you saying that by concentrating on what Im good at, I will then be able to accept my size, and other peoples negativity.

Because while I can kind of accept this logic, it still feels like I am burying my head in the sand. I still have to come to the conclusion that size has little or no value, inspite of what I have read, what I have heard, and what women have told me.

I cannot really see that the next time a woman stands up in the middle of a pub and says "ND has a penis as big as my finger and is a shit fuck, go on ND show everybody your little cock" that I am going to be able to reply with "yeh, but its not the most important part of me, Im a caring, sharing, warm, fuzzy artistic blah blah"

Accepting myself and ignoring others, as a cure seems like madness. But appears as the only route forward.

[JulianP]

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[IrmaJean]

ND, I can't help feeling excited for you. You clearly have taken a turn here recently. You have a lot going for you in that you are very insightful and intelligent. I think you will find that this builds upon itself. Once the insights start, you have opened your mind up in a way that won't easily be denied.

I definitely feel your sense of humor could drown out the sound of one cruel voice. In fact, the laughter of the patrons could very easily do so. (Ferrari penis, lol) Give your strengths the power, ND. You're a fun guy. Let that out.

[nearlydead]

I think that accepting ourselves is a necessary part of moving forward. But, however, I think the idea of being ok with or liking our needle dicks is ludicrous. This does not mean that we cannot be functioning members of society with hobbies, social lives, etc. I believe what needs to change is how we respond to our lives as a result of being small. An example being depression, procrastination, and hopelessness. My personal goal is to become more productive, and through harsh discipline, to no longer let the other areas of my life suffer as a result of this. At 26, it is too late to begin learning how to date and interact with women. This is something I should have started 10 years ago in high school. My goal is to make enough money to see hookers and to travel to places like Thailand and see hookers there. I have no moral problem with this as I look down on religions that tell me this is wrong. I have also done things that would be considered far worse than this.

ND, in terms of dating women again, you have things going for you. You have lots of past experience and a personality that women respond to positively. Correct me if I am wrong but my guess is that you would be looking to date women in their 30s. These women are more experienced than younger women and may not judge you as harshly as they are probably not as affected by the size thing as women in my peer group or younger. Not to say they are not affected by it but I don't think it is as big of a deal to them.

Like you, at the moment self acceptance feels ludicrous, but it is the only logical way forward. At 26 it is not too late for you to be great at interacting with women. It is a skill that can be learned just like any other. You have stated similar in the past. I think this is your depression talking ie rigid thinking, logic being coloured by negative emotion. I agree women in the 20's+ age group are more likely to be derogortory, but as I have said before this is down to unrealistic porn, female peer pressure, immarturity, and most importantly lack of real world expeirence. Its an argument that will allow you to take some of the sting out of the comments.

JP, understand I am not trying to fight you here, but I am struggling to understand what you are getting at.

I can be witty and the centre of attention in a social situation. It is a skill I have learnt to divert peoples attention, or defuse situations. I have also used voilence and verbal assaults in the same way. Stratergys that work or dont work. Either way I am still hurt by the comments, I still have the knowledge Im small, and so do they.

Are you saying that once I remove the negativity I have surrounding my size, thats how I will change my "self-perception" that I will then expeirence life differently? and I achieve this by concentrating on the positive areas of my personality? If so, I see the logic, but it still feels a little wishful thinking, or as recluse would say "Ludicruous"

[IrmaJean]

Have you ever approached a dog when you are slightly fearful of that dog? What happens more often than not? The dog bites you. But if you approach the dog feeling strong and confident, the dog will more likely offer a more friendly response. Not to compare humans with dogs... but it is a similar principle.

Changing your perspective and changing the way you feel about yourself changes the way you present yourself to others. I'm not sure if this is what Julian might be eluding to, but it does really work. It's worked for me in social situations. For much of my life, I was unable to make friends. I always thought people didn't like me and often feared rejection and so was often teased and rejected. I remember once having some guys "bark" at me from across a college campus. Very loud and very humiliating. I know how crushing this type of thing can feel, but my cowering and being shy made it easier for this to happen. Now I approach others with confidence and am received much more positively than I had been in the past. I no longer have difficulty making friends. I'm now proactive in creating my experiences rather than being reactive in simply allowing them. I know this isn't exactly the same thing...

I think of life's difficulties and our feelings about our experiences as symbolic in nature. It's always more about deeper meanings and what that represents within us. A theme. These themes might manifest themselves differently in any one individual, but at the core maybe it isn't all that different. Look at the tags for this thread. Acceptance and love. Every one of us has to find our way to this and everyone of us is deserving of it.

[lifeless existence]

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[JulianP]

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[nearlydead]

Lifeless said: And this is exactly why we can't ever win. They still have the knowledge that we're small and as far as society is concerned, being small cancels out other good qualities we may have. They will always have that available to use against us. It doesn't matter how great of a person we're able to convince others that we are, as soon as someone makes everyone else aware that we have small penises, our value drops like a rock.

And so our only cure is "I accept my penis, and I dont care what anybody else says, thinks, or feels phsyically" The only way for me to believe that mindset to the degree that will allow me a spontaneous erection, is if I book myself in for a frontal labotomy.

To "Accept myself for who and what I am" and to also "ignore other peoples views, feelings and statement about my size" is to me, and my current understanding inconcieveable.

[curtailed]

Lifeless said: And this is exactly why we can't ever win. They still have the knowledge that we're small and as far as society is concerned, being small cancels out other good qualities we may have. They will always have that available to use against us. It doesn't matter how great of a person we're able to convince others that we are, as soon as someone makes everyone else aware that we have small penises, our value drops like a rock.

And so our only cure is "I accept my penis, and I dont care what anybody else says, thinks, or feels phsyically" The only way for me to believe that mindset to the degree that will allow me a spontaneous erection, is if I book myself in for a frontal labotomy.

To "Accept myself for who and what I am" and to also "ignore other peoples views, feelings and statement about my size" is to me, and my current understanding inconcieveable.

No, it just requires one to be cock-sure about themselves. You ever been in a state of mind where you're so sure about yourself you could pick a fight with the world and be sure to make it? It requires what I'm talking about: Supreme, mother-loving, all-encompassing, totalitarian self-confidence. I know this feeling exists and I also know it doesn't make one a jerk, nor is it dangerous to be self-assured about their position in the world. I also assume this place is extremely hot for the ladies since it speaks on an uncontrollable subconscious level, regardless of penis size.

There was some "Ask a guru" question posted somewhere, where a guy asked some famous ladiesman "How can I deal with having a small penis?" and the answer came in an instant: be so self-assured, so goddamn, unbelievably self-confident, that they won't have a chance. They won't even consider that you won't be able to sexually please them... I mean... it sounds awesome, right?

As for advice to find this attitude: Fake it till you make it. If you start behaving like you can do whatever the hell you please, it'll eventually manifest itself in reality. Skills accumulate, ones behavior becomes more assured and the responses change accordingly. It's a whole world in itself to explore how changing ones physical appearance changes ones emotions. Breathing and body posture alone are super important.

[nearlydead]

JP

You say you can be witty and the center of attention as a skill to divert people’s attention or diffuse situations. You have also used violence and verbal assaults. Those behaviors are directly in response to or revolve around the heartache, disappointment, fears and pain of your experiences. The central focus of your expression is your size and your pain.

True, since the age of 13/14 I have used "size anger" as a motivator for pretty much everything I have ever done, good and bad.

Discover the parts of who you are which have nothing to do with size.

Im struggling with this, as pretty much all that I am has been defined by how I have dealt with my size, I've lived this for 30 yrs.

Therefore, it is likely that other issues and other pain have inhibited your self-acceptance and self-expression , which absolutely has an impact on how you handle and respond to your size.

OK, chicken and egg thing right? If I did not have a small penis, would I still be unhappy over some other problem, because of how I was brought up. Who knows, probably. I think I may be "emotionally immature" in the way that Dr Scwhartz means in his article. I know I am uncomfortable with self love, expression, love, emotions stuff, I dont feel sorrry for other people, or really care what happens to other people, this is a part of my personal make up which is weak.

While your size will remain the same, even if your life was jam packed with excitement, adventures, accomplishments, freedom, and realized dreams, your perspective of yourself and your entire life would be very, very different. The amount of yourself which was once majorly “defined” by your size literally transforms and diminishes. Two things cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Whatever portion of your self-perspective and world perspective is emphasized on your joys, fulfillment and accomplishment - cannot also be emphasized on your penis size. Therefore, creating and enjoying the many parts of yourself which exist regardless of your size, will absolutely have an impact on your perception about everything, including the ramifications of your size. Whatever issues stand in the way of you going out and creating and enjoying a phenomenal life is what you need to resolve and move passed - which are perfectly capable of doing so.

I dont thinkk I understand this paragraph at all. I have owned my own properties, I have slept with 50+ women, I have travelled the world as a scuba instrutor. I have had more exciting expeirences than most (But I have never been excited, or fearful in life or death situations) Because everything I have done since 13 has been done as a depressed man with a small penis.

Thats enough for now, I've been up for 20 hrs and my brain is fried. Thanks for your help.

[nearlydead]

No, it just requires one to be cock-sure about themselves. You ever been in a state of mind where you're so sure about yourself you could pick a fight with the world and be sure to make it? It requires what I'm talking about: Supreme, mother-loving, all-encompassing, totalitarian self-confidence. I know this feeling exists and I also know it doesn't make one a jerk, nor is it dangerous to be self-assured about their position in the world. I also assume this place is extremely hot for the ladies since it speaks on an uncontrollable subconscious level, regardless of penis size.

There was some "Ask a guru" question posted somewhere, where a guy asked some famous ladiesman "How can I deal with having a small penis?" and the answer came in an instant: be so self-assured, so goddamn, unbelievably self-confident, that they won't have a chance. They won't even consider that you won't be able to sexually please them... I mean... it sounds awesome, right?

As for advice to find this attitude: Fake it till you make it. If you start behaving like you can do whatever the hell you please, it'll eventually manifest itself in reality. Skills accumulate, ones behavior becomes more assured and the responses change accordingly. It's a whole world in itself to explore how changing ones physical appearance changes ones emotions. Breathing and body posture alone are super important.

That is actually very good advice Curtailed. I need to sleep now, all the best.

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[Mark]

At 26, it is too late to begin learning how to date and interact with women.

Honestly, I have to chuckle reading a line like that. I know you are serious, but it just isn't true. How do I know? Because I was a pretty shy and inhibited person with regard to dating until I was *much older than you*, granted for different reasons. And I finally figured it out through the painful grinding process of working on it and dealing with the rejection fears and such until one day it wasn't so much of an issue anymore.

Life is a *process*. It is plastic and what was impossible during one era becomes possible later on and vice versa. The change is generally glacial though; you only notice it when you take the long view.

I'm not saying you will figure out this puzzle or even that it is solvable, but only that you have more potential to be able to solve it than you are giving yourself credit for. You certainly won't be able to solve it if you continually tell yourself that you can't.

Mark

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[curtailed]

Hi Mark, that comment of mine was not well thought out. I actually do well when I interact with women and they show interest in me. I have women who I am friends with and most of my friends girlfriends like me. The time that I did go on a date, at 21, everything went well until it came to the sex. The truth is, it is not my personality or social issues with women that prevent me from dating and sex, it is my size. That comment I made was an error as my ability to date and interact with women is solely hindered as a result of having a shit cock. I used to be shy around women but at around 21, because of having to adapt to work and social environments, I became good at talking to women and interacting with them. The reason I no longer go to bars or parties is because women do show interest in me but I am like a false advertisement walking around because my dick is too small. This makes me seem weird because I reject them and my friends wonder what is wrong with me. The example I used in a post a while back was that I had an experience where a really hot chick basically threw herself at me at a bar and I had to blow her off in front of my friend. He thought I was gay or an idiot and its not like I can walk around with a shirt that says, my dick is small leave me alone.

Been there, done that. Can I have a shirt too?

[JulianP]

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