About being small and being small

[Mark]

In a therapy situation it is common for a therapist to tell a client "you're really brave to be here and addressing this stuff", and it always sounds corny and contrived when you hear about that outside the context of that situation. But I have to say something like that myself here and now. You guys are brave to confront this stuff. This mode of talking about it is not your defaults which are more like be angry at yourselves and the world. By talking about it, it brings up the feelings which are painful, and then you have to tolerate the feelings, which is painful. So you are intentionally puting yourself into a painful situation - becuase the alternative is worse - I know -but still the majority of folks in situations like this don't get past their avoidance. So- bravo. That you are feeling raw and vulnerable is simply par for the course when unpacking this kind of issue. It will pass.

[IrmaJean]

Most of these new ideas of self acceptance, self love and all that stuff, I just dont get.

I think that finding your way toward self-love and self-acceptance begins with self-awareness. Learn as much as you can about yourself. Know your strengths and weaknesses, know what you need and desire in life. Identify what makes you feel good and what doesn't. Treat yourself with kindness and respect. Take good care of yourself and view yourself as the valuable person that you are. Learn to appreciate yourself. This is a place to start.

[nearlydead]

I think that finding your way toward self-love and self-acceptance begins with self-awareness. Learn as much as you can about yourself. Know your strengths and weaknesses, know what you need and desire in life. Identify what makes you feel good and what doesn't. Treat yourself with kindness and respect. Take good care of yourself and view yourself as the valuable person that you are. Learn to appreciate yourself. This is a place to start.

Hi Irma, This is the trouble with all this stuff, I feel like Alice in Wonderland, just how far into this hole do I jump?

So it starts with "self awareness". We need this to establish a baseline from which to work upwards from. Its probably a conditioning of depression but I struggle to list strenghts, and then I dismiss them as having no real value in terms of effecting change. Especially with my real world problems which is mainly longterm unemployment. 10yrs with no work is a big hole in my CV. The skills I had in my pre scuba career are well out of date. I have sent of over 40 CV's and maybe 60 phone calls, and have not even had an interview yet. Weakness's, I'm obviously shit at writing CV's, unemployable, blah blah blah.

Treating myself with "Love, appreciation, kindness etc" are words not in my vocabely, feck I cant even spell vocably. I must list strenghts before I can make appreciations, so can work on that. Treating myself with kindness, OK I can do that by cutting down on the negative labels and self talk. The love thing, I dont do love, dont get it, dont miss it, dont want it, as apparently thats a whole minefield on its own.

What I really wish for is someone to come up with a practical roadmap. An A to Z of suggestions or plans that I can use. I've never worked with my head, only my hands. Im a practical person, which I think is the element that has worked for me, reading about CBT.

[Recluse]

sdfasdfs

[nearlydead]

I too started with cleaning. I started with making myself get in the shower every morning, then I cleand the apartment 1/2 a room at a time. Then I worked on getting regular sleep patterns (something that has dogged me for years) Getting the sleep routine sorted was probably the most beneficail for myself.

Good to see your getting the "positive thing" this is going to be a war of little battles. Im aiming for a win, but would settle for a draw.

Curtailed, got any more gems like "fake it till you make it". That and the small man asking advice from the PUA guy is the sort of short sharp to the point stuff Im after.

[IrmaJean]

What I really wish for is someone to come up with a practical roadmap. An A to Z of suggestions or plans that I can use. I've never worked with my head, only my hands. Im a practical person, which I think is the element that has worked for me, reading about CBT.

Hmm...what exactly is a CV? :confused:

David O. is very good at lists. I know I'm an emotional type, ND, and you are probably more on the thinking side. Maybe he can offer a list of practical steps for you to take.

Recluse, I think what you're saying makes great sense. A little bit at a time. I'm glad having the clean space helped. Do I remember reading that you were still in school?

[malign]

A CV (curriculum vitae) is what the Brits call a resumé.

[JulianP]

deleted....

[David O]

Hi Nearly Dead, Julian, IrmaJean, Malign, Recluse, et al,

Nearly Dead, I’m so very sorry this has become more and more painful thru time. I won’t pretend to understand the root of your pain as I find it to be deeply complex and comes from the very most core of your being, but I know pain very well and understand decades of feeling tortured by those tapes and images in our heads and heart.

I would like very much to be of help (and thanks Julian and IrmaJean for pulling me in) and was hoping you would first do me a favor. Sometimes we may have only a few very painful struggles, but they can grow and consume us until we are in a state of being overwhelmed and unable to move. As we reach this state, the struggles seem to multiply. Can you make a list of your top 4-8 most troubling struggles and then rate each one on a scale of 1 (low problem) to 10 (severe and extreme problem) so that we can understand better where you are in this process. This not only helps us understand, but it may also shed some light for you on what the primary and secondary issues are.

What I’ve found over the years is that this exercise can be useful in developing realistic, meaningful, practical and doable solutions (you’re A to Z manual). Sometimes even 1-2 solutions can address 3-4-5-6 problems, but we won’t be able to see this until we get a grasp of the main issues as you experience them daily.

For example, your list might look like this (the list should contain only things that can be addressed, for example, if you have tats on your face, we can’t change that):

• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness-- 7
  
• No job--- 5
  
• Stuck in my home all day--- 5
  
• No friends or support system— 3
  
• Negative thoughts about the future, my environment and the world as a whole- 6
  

Secondly, can you give us an hour by hour look at your typical day from the minute you wake up until you fall asleep. What are you doing every hour between 6AM and 11PM, for example.

Once we have this, we can all develop an individualized action plan.

Write back soon and we can start working quickly,

David O.

[Mark]

The term CV is also used in academe. A resume is short - one page, maybe two at most, but a CV is long and detailed designed to show off *all* of your most important accomplishments. But essentially, both a resume and a CV serve the same purpose of detailing your credentials and accomplishments to a prospective employer.

[IrmaJean]

Thanks for the explanation. I was thinking it was internet-speak or something and that I was out of the loop.

[nearlydead]

JP: Thankyou for taking such an effort in your replys. I read and re-read all the posts. Each time I learn something new, or things become clearer.

David O: Again, I appreciate the efforts made by all, on my behalf. I will try to answer in full.

9.00am Rise, coffee, watch tv all day untill 11.00pm'ish. I eat lunch at around mid day, and cook dinner around 8.00pm. bath and shave every 2 days.

I leave the house to visit the supermarket once every 2-3 days, this takes 30minutes at most, and is the only time I leave the house. I have no family, freinds, or employment. I live in total isolation, the longest conversation I have had face to face with anyone in the last 10 years has been maybe 6 minutes. Now, when I go to the supermarket, I am in a rush to get back here, as I dont look anyone in the face. I tried going for a walk acouple of weeks back, but gave up after 10 minutes and came back. I dont use alcholol or drugs, but I am a completely non functioning person. I literally eat breathe and sleep.

Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness-- 8

No job, money worries --------------------10

Stuck in my home all day------------------ 3

No friends or support system--------------- 8

I cannot try to get freinds untill I have money, and a plausible story to account for the last 10 years, and my total lack of assets or accomplishment.

Negative thoughts about the future, my environment and the world as a whole- 6

Penis size, impotence, ------------9

Suicide as an option---------------------6-9

obesity, not fit to fuck or work-------------6

have started to cut calories and excercise with stationery bike 13 days today.

Have recently sorted my sleep patterns and no longer sleep during the day.

Hence the name Nearly Dead. After carefully planning my suicide, I discovered that I dont have the balls to do it. So recently I have begun to make small changes, but being optimistic about the future is hard, as I have never BEEN happy.

At the moment the best life I can imagine for my self is a low pay/status bloo collar job, which will afford me little else in life. Maybe a woman after 2-3 years of all this. I certainly cannot entertain a woman or social life with freinds on my "lucky to get" low income. I do not wish to socialize with other low status losers.

I realise that all the above can be changed with physical action and a change in attitude. The troulble is, EFFORT Vs REWARD. I see a long road of hard work, and little reward except for survival and a low status one at that.

I am pretty certain that the above fits with Lifeless's existence too. So the only way is up:rolleyes:

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi "Nearlydead,"

A lot depends on what you define as "little reward" for the efforts you could be making. In my long experience, working, even for the lowest wage, helps people start to feel better about themselves as compared to not working and remaining isolated.

Your self imposed isolation is depressing and leaves you feeling hopeless. You are living like a hermit and you do not have to do this. You need to get out into the world and start living your life. Effort will help you immensely.

Allan

[Recluse]

adsfasdf

[IrmaJean]

ND, it must really suck not having anyone to talk to. I'm really sorry to hear about that.

I think you have already taken a very HUGE first step by attempting to make positive changes and opening your mind up to other ways of thinking. It will be very hard work, no doubt about it. I have such faith in you. I know you can do this. Is there any way you can get out and get yourself into more situations with more people? Maybe try a little bit at a time and build up longer intervals. Also, I agree that having any kind of employment would be very advantageous and likely lift your spirits even more. I think my job is the only thing that kept me out of full blown depression several years ago. It gave me some purpose and helped me to feel useful. Having a job would also place you around others and this will open the door to possible friendships.

If you give yourself the opportunity to live your life, life may very well surprise you. It seems to me that you have a whole lot to share with others. Keep on keeping on, ND, you are doing great.

Maybe one day you can change your screen name to Veryalive...

[nearlydead]

The thing is, I did have a life, most would say an exciting life, I've travelled SE Asia, Central/South America and Europe. I had friends (3 different social circles) I have had good well payed jobs. But I was never happy, and it always turned to shit with the size/impotence thing. Getting a dead end job and meeting other losers, who I know are not going to be my type of people really is something I dread as much as eventually meeting a woman and dropping my trousers again.

I know this time around it will be different because Im suddenly going to see life through my new rose tinted spec's, but all this feels like a con. I feel like the "Emperor and his new clothes" Everybodys telling me "yeh! good on you, you're great, nothing you think, matters, matters" I then go through all this shit, get a crap job, meet some down and outs, meet a woman, then she laugh's or tells everyone. Life wont be better, I'll just be the idiot who "thinks" its better.

As much as I recognize my negative thinking is twisted, it is no more twisted than the positive thinking. My real wish is to die in my sleep from a massive heart attack.

I know this post is negative, but it seems far more truthful, logical than the other stuff. Rant over.

[David O]

Hi Nearly Dead,

Thanks for responding to my post so quickly. I just read your last post about wanting to no longer live and can honestly say that it was painful to read. I had several ideas of where to begin (being the optimist that I am these days) even tho you suggest that you're done; however, I wanted to ask you one more question and then we can take it from there.

While I realize this is all very rough and overwhelming, the one thing that makes all the difference is your level of desire to make changes. Behavior change is often viewed as an event, such as quitting smoking, drinking, or over-eating; however, what I'm suggesting is that change is really a process involving progress through a series of six stages.

• Precontemplation is the stage in which people are not intending to take action in the foreseeable future, usually measured as the next six months. People may be in this stage because they are uninformed or under-informed about the consequences of their behavior. Or they may have tried to change a number of times and become demoralized about their ability to change. Or because they simply see no reason to change since nothing will ever improve anyway. Folks in this phase tend to resist and/or avoid change that requires real effort.
  
• Contemplation is the stage in which people are intending to change in the next six months. They are more aware of the pros of changing but are also acutely aware of the cons.This balance between the costs and benefits of changing can produce profound ambivalence that can keep people stuck in this stage for long periods of time and soon this stage can turn into pure chronic contemplation or behavioral procrastination. These people are also not ready for traditional action oriented programs.
  
• Preparation is the stage in which people are intending to take action in the immediate future, usually measured as the next month. They have typically taken some significant action in the past year. These individuals have a plan of action, such as joining a health education class, consulting a therapist, talking to their physician, buying a self-help book or relying on a self-change approach. The changes you've been making fit well in here. This is usually the stage where people begin looking for serious help/therapy and solutions.
  
• Action is the stage in which people have made specific overt modifications in their life-styles within the past six months. Since action is observable, behavior change often has been equated with action. Once you have action, cognitive changes begin to occur. For some folks it's a reversed process while for others, one needs to see change before their mind "buys into" the possible
  

ND, there are 3 other stages, but we're not there yet. My question is fairly simple. If you looked at your emotions and stage in life over the past 2 months, which stage or stages do you believe your closest to when it comes to addressing the top 3-4 concerns you listed earlier?

I'm asking this so that we can match our suggestions with where you are and not get too ahead and thereby create goals that are too far away and difficult, or ones that are too easy and close, and thus not useful.

I look forward to your response,

David

[IrmaJean]

Oh, ND...

I'm not just feeding you lines in here. You really DO have a lot to offer. I'm good at sensing these things, you know. You call yourself "Nearlydead", but I feel so much vivaciousness and life from your posts. Maybe spelling everything out as you did several posts ago forced you to look at your pain again. I really do think, though, that sometimes it's necessary to look right at what hurts, stare it in the eye, take on the challenge and then beat it down. You're going to still have these moments at times and I think it's good for you to express those feelings, but it's a bump along the way.

I apologize in advance for my flowery-speak...

I like to think of every person as a light that brightens the world with their presence. I hope your light keeps shining for a very long time.

David has offered his wisdom above. I hope that you find it helpful. I'm here to support you as well.

[performer-uk]

The thing is, I did have a life, most would say an exciting life, I've travelled SE Asia, Central/South America and Europe. I had friends (3 different social circles) I have had good well payed jobs. But I was never happy, and it always turned to shit with the size/impotence thing. Getting a dead end job and meeting other losers, who I know are not going to be my type of people really is something I dread as much as eventually meeting a woman and dropping my trousers again.

I know this time around it will be different because Im suddenly going to see life through my new rose tinted spec's, but all this feels like a con. I feel like the "Emperor and his new clothes" Everybodys telling me "yeh! good on you, you're great, nothing you think, matters, matters" I then go through all this shit, get a crap job, meet some down and outs, meet a woman, then she laugh's or tells everyone. Life wont be better, I'll just be the idiot who "thinks" its better.

As much as I recognize my negative thinking is twisted, it is no more twisted than the positive thinking. My real wish is to die in my sleep from a massive heart attack.

I know this post is negative, but it seems far more truthful, logical than the other stuff. Rant over.

Mr.NearlyDead,

May I ask how old you are - seems that you have done alot in your life.

I came here for the same reason as yourself, depression about the small penis, the fear of the taunts and the way it will all end. My asking your age is selfish in a way, because other than this issue I feel fulfilled in many ways, and was wondering if this feeling has settled in over time?

A couple of things that may be of relevance. A quote I read by a life coach "We dont see the world as it is, we see the world as WE ARE". I always found that interesting because very often the world proves me right many many times. When my mind changes on an issue, I tend to get proved right again there! How can it be that a woman can be beaten by her husband, yet that same man wouldnt dare try it should he have married a different woman? My point (clumsily made) is often we can invite the world to prove us right, either by who we choose to hang out with, the sorts of jobs and situations we end up in, and so on. Saying "it wont be better, I'll just be an idiot who thinks its better", kind of underestimates seeing the world as YOU are. If you've been to those other countries Im sure you will have seen people who are happy, despite a lower standard of living, or despite having circumstances that you'd never have thought someone could be happy in. I too have travelled many countries and witnessed the same time and again. Are those people idiots? I never once thought it for a second, so why would we be idiots to just be happy even though we dont have the ideal? and I am asking a question because I havent resolved this by any means!

Another thing - I was listening to a radio show of ANOTHER life coach - the show is essentially like Frasier but real! I enjoy it, it relaxes me and its always good to hear his perspective. It came with a call from a lady wanting to change jobs, but was scared to. He kept with her, and of course every time she said something she feared about the move he would probe a little deeper until it came out "and I'll be penniless, and homeless, and worse still everyone will be looking at me, pointing and laughing and taunting me - who does she think she is, what a failure" - probably the first time she ever admitted that conciously. To which the coach said "you know what, pretty much all fears lead to one of the same basic ones - one of which is the scene you described". The lady found that basic fear scene via the job change, we have found it via small penis syndrome. This tells me that the scene and predictions aren't REAL per se, but the FEAR is real, and its the same basic fear this woman has!

I haven't yet found a way to beat this thing either bro, but you can admit it to yourself that the thinking is skew whiff. I, too, can see it myself logically. How we get past it is the issue. How many women have you been with and how often has the "dreaded scene" occured? Trouser dropping then the ritual humliation? Sorry if its all too personal, Im still new and trying to sum up courage to type some of those things myself.

[performer-uk]

Hi Nearly Dead, Julian, IrmaJean, Malign, Recluse, et al,

Nearly Dead, I’m so very sorry this has become more and more painful thru time. I won’t pretend to understand the root of your pain as I find it to be deeply complex and comes from the very most core of your being, but I know pain very well and understand decades of feeling tortured by those tapes and images in our heads and heart.

I would like very much to be of help (and thanks Julian and IrmaJean for pulling me in) and was hoping you would first do me a favor. Sometimes we may have only a few very painful struggles, but they can grow and consume us until we are in a state of being overwhelmed and unable to move. As we reach this state, the struggles seem to multiply. Can you make a list of your top 4-8 most troubling struggles and then rate each one on a scale of 1 (low problem) to 10 (severe and extreme problem) so that we can understand better where you are in this process. This not only helps us understand, but it may also shed some light for you on what the primary and secondary issues are.

What I’ve found over the years is that this exercise can be useful in developing realistic, meaningful, practical and doable solutions (you’re A to Z manual). Sometimes even 1-2 solutions can address 3-4-5-6 problems, but we won’t be able to see this until we get a grasp of the main issues as you experience them daily.

For example, your list might look like this (the list should contain only things that can be addressed, for example, if you have tats on your face, we can’t change that):

• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness-- 7
  
• No job--- 5
  
• Stuck in my home all day--- 5
  
• No friends or support system— 3
  
• Negative thoughts about the future, my environment and the world as a whole- 6
  

Secondly, can you give us an hour by hour look at your typical day from the minute you wake up until you fall asleep. What are you doing every hour between 6AM and 11PM, for example.

Once we have this, we can all develop an individualized action plan.

Write back soon and we can start working quickly,

David O.

Hi David,

I know this was aimed for nearlydead, but would I be able to join on this one? I dont want to crash his thread so I can wait, but Im keen to do the exercise

[nearlydead]

Hi David

I would deffinately agree that I am in the "Preparation Phase" Maybe level 5 out of 10. I have been reading David Burns CBT handbook, and have done some of the modules found on this site. http://www.livinglifetothefull.com/

Having understood a little of the Burns CBT stuff, I started to recognise the thinking faults in my own post's and those of Recluse and Lifeless. In effect, when I speak back to Rec's and Life's posts, I find I am actually speaking to myself if that makes sense. However, like the post I made last night, I still find it easier to give in to the depression. Im like a yo-yo in this respect. No doubt I will repeat the same mistake, but just ignore it.

Practical steps in the last 2 months have been to sort regular sleep and meal times, clean house and myself regularly. I have also been dieting and excercising for 2 weeks, as I need to get fit for work.

David, I intend to make the most of this opportunity that you have offered me, and would let you know, as well as JP, Irma, Malign and others, that all your efforts and kindness's are appreciated.

Performer-UK

background: Age 45 4x4" nailed 50+ women 3 or 4 negative expeirences due to size. Mostly positive though!. Size has been a problem for me since 13yrs old.

Rec, LL, Curt etc. I want all of you to keep posting. I dont want anyone to feel like Im hogging the limelight. All the best ND.

[Recluse]

asfdasdf

[nearlydead]

Cheer's Rec, lets hope that we can all get something out of this. Its important to keep posting good or bad. But just keep going( Im thinking "run Forest, run!)

[nearlydead]

Performer-UK: I copied and Pasted this from further back in the thread:

Beginning of secondary school at the age of 10/11 I had an operation to push down an undescended testicle. A rumour started at school that I had had my balls cuts off, my nickname became "Only No Kenobi" (Think Star Wars), then the school merged with a girls school, at 13 I was debagged in front of some girls and they all said I was small (I had not even begun puberty) I was a small kid who did not start puberty untill I was around 16. So from the age of 11 through to around 16 I got badly bullied verbally and physically by both girls and boys about my genitals, being that everybody thought I was small and had no balls. I took this bullying without being able to tell anyone, I let people put me down for 5 years. I had suicidal thoughts from a pretty early age because of all this. Then one day the bullying stopped when I snapped and truly went insane. I stabbed supposedly the hardest kid in school with a chisel one month before I was due to leave school. This is when I went to the young offenders prison. It used to be called Borstal. The regime there was known as "a short sharp shock" The schock was violence deliverd by both inmates and screws. I took a few beatings, but when I left at about 17 I had a reputation as not to be messed with. I have put lifelong scars on other men. Outside I got into the football scene, I was an active member of the ICF which led to a further term in an adult jail (a walk in the park compared with borstal). In the middle of that I lost my virginity at 19, the 3rd girl I slept with commented "you only have a little one dont you" confirming all those years of worry. That was the way it was through to about 30 when I just got tired of my life and went travelling, becomming a Scuba Instructor social life no2. No more voilence, but still more women with big mouths. Then back to the UK social life no3. That lasted 3 years before a woman humiliated me in front of a packed pub of newish friends and strangers. That bitch will never know how close she was to getting killed. I walked out of that pub and have been a recluse ever since. 4"X4" a scar on my grion, impotence, and now requiring circumcission. The put downs are there, the persona had to change from weak kid to moron.

The good news is I found pound coin down the back of the sofa wednesday nite

[David O]

Hi David,

I know this was aimed for nearlydead, but would I be able to join on this one? I dont want to crash his thread so I can wait, but Im keen to do the exercise

You're more than welcome, please do join in as i think that we can all be of help to each other.

ND, I'm out of pocket for another day but we'll begin working soon. I'm glad you're on board and look forward to our time as a family together. It will not be easy work and will push you to your limit at times, but we'll go at a pace that works for you. It will take some time, but this is how we do it in our office, so be patient.

I'll write more on my return home.

David