About being small and being small

[nearlydead]

Irma Said: I feel so ignorant, but what the heck is Bris?

Recluse, can you help me out with this one?

[Recluse]

haha, a bris is the foreskin that is cut off during circumcision.

[IrmaJean]

Oh... No wonder why no one responded. You'll have to excuse me...I've been living out here in the country with the cows for too long, I guess. I was thinking it was some fancy dessert or drink.

[nearlydead]

Oh... No wonder why no one responded. You'll have to excuse me...I've been living out here in the country with the cows for too long, I guess. I was thinking it was some fancy dessert or drink.

I wish!..... If it were a drink, I'd be looking forward to it, rather than thinking about running away......

[Guest ASchwartz]

Oh yes, the Bris is the cost of entry into the Jewish club. Other cultures have this too. Its not as bad as it sounds: they give you wine, you are only eight days old, then they slice, you cry a little, then you fall asleep and its over.

Allan:D

[nearlydead]

Well, I just had my interview and things could not have gone much worse. Because of nerves my IBS kicked in and I had to ask to use the mens room as soon as I got there, after stinking out the place I emerged sweating like a horse, as soon as I sat down they started asking questions about the last ten years, me, my achievements etc. I got a mouthful of coat hangers, got the shakeing tremor in my neck which they noticed, and said dont be nervous. Have you ever heard of a nervous salesman? I walked out of there looking and feeling like a total wanker. This is a job that I am probably over qualified to do. I knew all thier destinations on three continents from actually having them in all seasons. The job isnt even a hard sell, its just answering the phone to incoming sales calls. But I blew it big time. After sending my CV out to christ knows how many jobs since early november, this is the first paying job that I actually fitted with, and the first interview I have got, and I made a complete cock of myself.

Life is shit, then you die. Like the film title says "What if this, is as good as it gets?"

[curtailed]

ND, you're awesome.

[Recluse]

sdafasdfa

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hey, ND,

I also think you are awsome. I love your description of the interview. Who knows, maybe you got the job just because you were real. As far as IB is concerned, I am always in favor of "making a big stink.":D

[IrmaJean]

Beth's list of fine achievements:

I once walked around the town carnival for nearly a half an hour with a roll of toilet paper tucked under my arm. I'd been helping my youngest daughter in the restroom and forgot it was there. I couldn't understand why I was getting all of the odd looks.

Also, I have:

Made coffee with no pot at work.

Left the drive-thru once without the food.

A few weekends ago I ventured into the city (big for me) with my girls for a birthday party. I was so concerned about having my Josh Groban CDs to relax me on the highway that I forgot my wallet.

Once I threw a pair of shears in my leg after imagining being stung by a bee. Then I almost passed out.

Gone shopping and left the money home. Of course I didn't realize this until I had a cart full of groceries.

Driven away with my wallet on the hood of the car.

Taken my daughter's sneakers to work a few weeks ago, thinking they were my own. (Never get dressed in the dark)

Gone to the car on my way to work with a pile of laundry in my arms.

Called the police at work for the water alarm.

Put my 8 year old daughter's underwear in my son's pile of clothes.

Speaking of my son, last year he ran into a tree while playing frisbee and broke his nose. 23 stitches...Apparently this type of thing runs in the family.

I always want all of you to be kind to yourself, but I think there is also great value in not taking oneself too seriously. I think it's okay to "poke gentle fun" at oneself sometimes. It's an endearing quality, ND, and I'm sure other women would find it endearing as well.

All of us have our moments, ND. (Some more than others. )It makes us human and keeps us humble. I think it's awesome that you got yourself out there and had an interview. Good for you!

[nearlydead]

I wasn't really trying to poke fun at myself. I let myself down today, I let nerves get the better of me, and turned into a wreck, being interviewed for a low income, low status job that I could of done standing on my head.

It started last night, I managed to get myself into a defeatist mood, and when I woke up this morning, I was still in that mood. As I spent the morning revising some of my dive stuff, and rehearsing what I was going to say, I got more and more nervous.

The real killer though was getting the IBS as soon as I walked into the office. This set the tone of failure for the whole interview. I was asked questions that I had answers for, but when I came to answer them I got tongue tied, um'ed and ar'ed, stutterd etc. Instead of listening to the questions and keeping calm my mind was racing away, "they think I'm bullshitting" "I wish I was as confident as this kid" "Im too old for this company" etc. All self defeating self talk going through my head in the middle of an interview. Then this fucking tremor thing started up, and Im sitting there visibly shaking, which they noticed and commented on. At that point I gave in and just tried to get out of there as asap.

Effort: 2 weeks X 1 hour a day listening to self hypnosis MP3. Constantly monitoring thinking for negativety, and challenging it with illogical optimism. excercise and diet.

Reward: Same, same.

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry, ND. I sure never meant to minimize your disappointment with today. I think I'm having a bad day myself as well...

I still think it's great that you got out there and did it...even if it didn't go as well as you'd hoped for. It's a step in the right direction. Not easy for you, but you did it anyhow. Maybe next time will be better and you'll feel more confident.

[nearlydead]

I know you did'nt Irma, and I never took it that way. Im just disappointed with myself for letting myself down. Its easier for me to go straight to beating myself up, than it is to think about taking some positives from it.

For the last couple of hours I have chose to dwell on everything that went wrong. I need to choose to focus on what could of gone right, and what I can learn from it, to improve next time.

This is part of "my habit" of depressive choices. I seem to be at the point where I am able to recognise what Im doing wrong with my thinking, but struggle with stopping it, and then changing it.

[IrmaJean]

I'm familiar with much of what you described with your anxiety. Whenever I have felt that way, I get all fumbly and it seems easier to make more and more mistakes. It has dissappated (spelling??) a lot as my confidence has grown. Is there any activity that you can do beforehand to ease those nerves? Something that relaxes you? Do you have any medication for the IBS?

Sometimes it's easy to feel intimidated by others, but try and remember that they are just as human and flawed as you are. Everyone has their own doubts, fears and insecurities...even bosses and people doing interviews. The knowledge of this has been very helpful to me. So much easier to just be me when there doesn't seem so much pressure to be perfect.

It's great that you are aware of your own behaviors and where you are slipping into negative patterns. I hope you will go easy on yourself. You did make a very positive step with this. Maybe it didn't go as badly as you thought either. You never know...

I've noticed you mentioning effort vs. reward. I think sometimes, for me, the effort I put into something is part of the reward. I've had many nights at work where I've sparkled the store up and made that baby shine. No bosses noticed for a very long time, but I still felt very good about myself in doing it. When you make the effort, you're putting a piece of yourself into something and this is something to feel proud of.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, ND. I know it's hard to think of positives, but it was very courageous for you to do this. And you hung in there until its conclusion, so you have one under your belt. One step at a time.