am I a pedophile?

[scared]

I have removed my posts in this thread because there are dangerous psychologically damaging things in here and nothing should be read by anybody who isn't a trained mental health professional. Sorry to all this has affected.

Edited May 20, 2009 by scared

[paula]

I'm afraid the help and support that you require from this site Scared, is no longer available!

We have done all we can to try and help/advise/support you as best we can! Its down to you now?

You need professional help. You need to mention these issues to your Psychiatrist. He is there and can give you the help/advise/support that you need. He is qualified for this issue!

This also goes out to anyone else who is frustrated with this issue. I don't know who you people think we are? Most of us suffer from Mental Health issues our selves. We are not Doctors or Medical Advisers, that are qualified to deal with these issues! A lot of us will advise on our own experiences, and there isn't many that have these issues? So I'm afraid its like pissing against the wind as far as I can see, regarding further information.

You could do us all a favor and seek the professional advice that you are looking for, else where!

[scared]

yofiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiyyyyyyyyyyy

Edited May 19, 2009 by scared

[paula]

What I am getting at here is: That most of us have suffered some sort of Mental Health problem, but not Pedophilliac urges!

We work as a community and try the best we can, even though the best is not good enough some times? We can only go of our past experiences!

When someone comes on this site asking for support on Pedophillia, then we can only advise/support on research done by ourselves on this issue? But you have to remember that by keep going on about these issues can be very upsetting for some people, inc myself!

I know that Mark suggest we head these post but this post was started so long ago.

We try our best and don't want these post to get out of hand by the information that is given, but sometimes, this is exactly what happens and people get angry and upset and end up saying things that they might not mean?

We are all here to get along with one another, me included. I know that I haven't been the best of people to get along with and I apologise to anyone that I have offended, it wasn't intentual!

This is a very good site if used well, and think of the moderators & administrators who have worked very hard to get this site up & running. The last thing they need is people pecking at each other's head's, me included!

So why don't we all try and get along together, life is to short!

[Mark]

This is such a difficult thread, because the stuff being discussed here is so raw for everyone. I commend everyone here including scared for what they have contributed.

I'm very proud of Flowfreak for being able to say what she said. that is painful stuff she has shared, and if there is anger in it, who on earth could blame her. Paula's contribution is similar and I am proud of her too.

I think that Flowfreak's analysis about Scared not wanting to be challenged to know the impact of what sexual abuse of young children can do to a child is correct. I don't blame scared for not wanting to know (but also wanting to know at the same time), and I commend him for listening even though it is painful to do so. Maybe a little backpeddling is inevitable given the anger coming his way. Kalima's analysis (guilt means you can be aware) is just great too.

Scared, you are a pedophile if you are attracted to children. That is the definition of pedophilia. You are not a child molester, however, until you have committed the abusive act. Though many here are furious at all pedophiles, and through them, furious at you, I think all can also agree that no one wants you to cross the line between being a pedophile and molesting a child. It is so very difficult to support someone whos impulses are monsterous, but if it is possible to do, I hope we can find a way to do that. Helping you to feel very guilty about your impulses in this case is both an angry act but also a loving act (that sounds twisted, I know, but hear me out, please) because it may - if you take the testimony to heart - help you become more acutely aware of the danger you pose to children because of your desires. Guilt in this case is one way to have some of the awareness that you need to protect yourself and the children you might otherwise harm.

Now, the trick here is to feel guilty about the desires, but not to beat yourself up at the same time. You are a human being who is also suffering, and you need support and reassurance that you are not a monster (or at least have the choice to not become a monster by acting like one). It may be too much to ask a group of people who have suffered the victim's end of pedophilia acted out to offer you that support, but some here have tried to offer it to you (gabby is one) and I hope you can hear that thread mixed in as it is with the intense anger for all pedophiles that is blasting your way.

Mark

[FlowFreak]

scared,

I just typed this long post and hit the wrong button and erased it!

There's no way I can re-type all of it now, but I do want to say I appreciate you finally responding to the impact of what happened to me, and the respect for my feelings you have shown. To be truthful I have displaced some of my anger onto you that should be on the ones who abused me, but I do have anger at your thoughts to children, although I'm encouraged that you have not acted on them.

If you are never able to overcome your thoughts to children I hope that you are able to take full responsibility for them, and seek whatever support you need to keep them in check. If it's returning here to read what people are still going through into their adulthood from the agony of the abuse suffered in childhood, or if there's any places like that in the real world you could go to to see the suffering as a type of aversive therapy, therapy for yourself or group therapy with others struggling emotionally like yourself, or whatever just anything to be more comfortable with who you are, and not act out your thoughts.

To ackowledge we both have suffered because of pedophiles (I will) I think all of us here are hurting and experiencing some powerful emotions, and I can't tell you how many times I have wished I was only dreaming and I could just rub my eyes and make it all go away, or I wish a magic wand could be waved and make all the bad go away. But if that were the case there would be no courage, or strength, or growth, or determination or preserverance in life or very little, if at all. We all struggle with something. I went and visited Alan's (not Schwartz) Alcoholism-A Life Sentence-you should visit and see what this man has fought and has to fight with everyday of his life!! He posted a thread on here a few days ago asking for participation on his blog. www.alcoholism-alifesentence.blogspot.com When I visited and read some of his post I was able to "own" what that must be like for him from his writings about it-truly amazing! For me I am a sex addict. I just admitted to myself recently, although this happened through my teens to early 20's really bad. The last time I actually acted on my addiction was my late 20's realizing during the actual act I was in my thoughts with "THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT!" getting up, grabbing my clothes, and gettin out as fast as I could. My sex addiction isn't about sex-it's about an insatiable need for love that was never gotten, which produced an endless cycle in those yrs of getting sex for my "love fix" leaving me feeling used and worthless seeking the fix again and again. It's still there-it will always be there, but it does get better more controllable. This past yr I made a phone call, but that's as far as it went. Why? Anger. Healthy/Constructive Anger, which I haven't ever experienced before. Anger because that's the only way I knew how to get love, and I wasn't going to let that happen to myself anymore-to be used, and feel abandoned, used, and worhless after my fix. I wasn't going to tear down what I had already went through emotionally to get to where I was that day, either! That was an incredible turning point for me in this Hell of my life, and it felt so damn good! So, we can take these insurmountable obstacles, and turn them around and make them work for us instead of against us. It is possible. It gives me hope in other areas I have to face that seem insurmountable to me. To have courage is a must, and one of the most difficult ones for me, especially in the beginnings of anything, so this has been very difficult for me to open up about, and will be for days and days to come.

I hope there is some understanding between us-Good luck to you scared!

Maybe something like Confucius could also help you-they do me...www.thinkexist.com

Confucius says it well: When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.

Edited November 10, 2008 by FlowFreak

[FlowFreak]

Mark,

Thanks for your support(means much), not only for me, but for all of us, and for all of us trying to do the same.

[Pseudonym]

I agree with mark. And remember who this is coming from. I have been made into a monster as well because of this. Guilt is a good thing. It allows room to get better. It allows you to understand how monstrous the act is. However remember it is the act that is monstrous, not the thought. The thought is dark, and hard to deal with. But understanding and refusing to act on it makes you human, and not a monster.

This cannot be cured. I am in a stable relationship and many active pedophiles are as well. Most of the time that I get sexual excitement is with my age appropriate consensual partner, but that does not deter me from my thoughts. I cannot deter those thoughts. However I CAN prevent the action. And guilt will help me do that. These people are trying to help. Some of them are overzealous, and that is because they do not understand it quite as well as we do, and moreover, they want to believe that you are a monster. Fitting people like us into that catagory makes it easier.

You are not a monster. You are a person who has urges they cannot control. I understand that. However you can control your actions. You can control what you look at, and what you do about it. Ignore the rest of these people, the ones who will sooner damn you than help you. But take into consideration what they want you to, feel guilt. It is that guilt that will prevent you from acting on those urges, it is that guilt that makes you human instead of the monster that they would depict you as, and it is that guilt that may free you.

- Anonymous

[JustTrying]

After reading FlowFreaks post the other day... I have to let this thread go. I knew that since I have been trying to quit drinking a lot of past issues that I thought I had dealt with have been coming back up. But Flows post was just to vivid for me.

I thank you for posting it though. And I am sorry that so many of us have gone through these type of things in childhood. Perhaps that is a partial reason for the mental issues we have??? I wonder.

I have to deal with peodphiles in my life. Well I do not guess I have to but, I choose to keep them in my life and although I abhore what they did and also the people that did those things to me. The ones that are in my life are otherwise people that I want in my life. I may get condemded for that .. but so be it. They are no longer around children. And yes they are in my family.

I just CAN'T let the anger get to me. I have to take care of myself right now...

I wish you all luck and will see you elsewhere on the boards.....

[FlowFreak]

Pseud,

I do understand that these thoughts cannot be controlled or cured, but I was willing to give scared that possibility in reading the content of all his responses, especially where he said he had the thoughts prepubescent, and then he didn't have them anymore when he had a girlfriend, so I thought maybe it was just from being prepubescent-from what I remember reading? I, however I do not view you or scared as monsters, but I do view my abusers as monsters because the acts terrified me through my childhood eyes/body, so much so weird things happened!

I hope I haven't made you feel "damned," because you know I'm not perfect either, but if you may have been referring to my post telling scared to get the hell out well yes I did damn him. That's another part of the damage inflicted after the abuse. I was left alone with nothing, but everything they had done to me. At first he ignored what he wanted to know, and that was a terrible, terrible feeling for me to have put that all out there, and it to be left alone with someone who has those types of thoughts who responded to others comments at first, but not mine. I hope understand or can try to.

[FlowFreak]

Gabby,

I totally understand everything you've said, especially about having them in your life because you choose too. I know there's much more in that than the words in that sentence-you don't have to tell me I know. My mother is the closest to me, and it's very difficult and confusing to say the least!

It's all about doing what you need to do to feel and be safe, and take care of yourself.

You are a sweet and giving person.

Edited November 11, 2008 by FlowFreak

[scared]

I have removed my posts in this thread because there are dangerous psychologically damaging things in here and nothing should be read by anybody who isn't a trained mental health professional. Sorry to all this has affected.

Edited May 20, 2009 by scared

[FlowFreak]

I understand scared-it's difficult deal with and face. I agree it was a massive post because of the trauma inflicted, and that's only touching a small part of it. I appreciate you wanting to be in a better position to focus on what I wrote about what it did to me, but I do wish you could have at least acknowledged that you had a hangover and you would respond later.

[scared]

I have removed my posts in this thread because there are dangerous psychologically damaging things in here and nothing should be read by anybody who isn't a trained mental health professional. Sorry to all this has affected.

Edited May 20, 2009 by scared

[Pseudonym]

Actually, Flow, I have not felt damned by your presence. You spoke with frankness, and honesty not just you your experience, but your feelings. I can certainly understand them, and I do not mind your anger. I was not referring to you when I was referring to those who would sooner damn than help. For sake of not alienating anyone I will not mention names, but they know who they are.

Flow, you responded to a question with compassion and candor. For that I have the utmost respect for you. Thank you for your imput, even though it was rough, it wasn't uncalled for. And it was very brave.

I think I'm beginning to agree with Gabby though. This thread is becoming too much. It is showing an amount of conflict and hatred that I do not feel comfortable with for a help sight. I will continue to help, who better than a person seeking help with this illness than to help others? But I think that it maybe best for everybody to abandon this particular thread. I think we've hurt each other enough.

- Anonymous

[FlowFreak]

Thanks Pseud. I really appreciate your thoughts/words/understanding. I have respect for you as well, for your courage to put yourself out here, and be respectful to.

I'm speaking for me in these next words because it's where I am today from yesterdays, and we are all in different areas for all the right reasons where ever those might be. For me I had to face/accept/own up to behaviors I did do I felt very bad about, ashamed of, and I hated. I hated myself for the things I had done. It was so painful, scary, and difficult to do-"What was this person (therapist) going to think of me?" but I HAD to do it because I hated it so much in myself-the misery and pain it had caused me and others. By doing so it helped me to let go of my "wanting to be perfect" and expecting others to be perfect for me, and I realized it's ok to be imperfect because nothing is perfect. So, it helps me to try and understand where another is relating from even with my emotions I may or may not have.

I think that this post that scared started has shown that even with the deep pains and struggles expressed/endured in this thread by all, middle ground can be found by communication, expression, and through the imperfections of being human. To me that's where understanding of ourselves and for others can arise once we get over our own initial emotions -to try and see where that other person is relating from because it's not going to be all about you or them-there's too much complexity involved. I think each person here has tried in some way, and done that (unless I missed something) in the best way they can from where ever they are relating from. That's hard to do when strong emotions are expressed, everyone has their own way of expressing/relating, and when strong emotions are felt for the writer and the reader, but it has been done by all of us it seems to me.

If this thread is over I think this is something that each of us can take from here, because I've never seen this happen before in such a way.

My Best to you Pseud in your struggles, and in finding the support you need,

Flow

Edited November 11, 2008 by FlowFreak

[paula]

Pseudonym why don't you just come out and mention my name? Yes it was me who damed YOU no-one else but you! And I still damn you!

Stop trying to shit stir! Because that's all your doing! You are trying to give Scared the bullets to fire? Be a man and take it!

You think you know it all, you know FUCK ALL!

[John Rutledge]

deleted ....

Edited October 28, 2009 by John Rutledge

[Mark]

Paula, I know you are upset; this is upsetting stuff to talk about, but please be civil. Mark

[Pseudonym]

I can certainly understand how emotional this subject is. It is hard enough for me to speak about it, I cannot comprehend how hard it is for people who do not have this problem, or even worse the people who unfortunately have been on the other end of the problem. This is an emotional subject for all who participate.

That said, PLEASE understand that I came here because I recognized that I need help. And in that understand that it is not by any means kind to attack me for pleading for that help. I understand that I have come off as defensive. It would be to my understanding most people would. It is hard to accept ones demons, and even harder to vanquish them. But since the beginning of my posts I have changed tunes quite considerable, from saying that it is alright, to saying that maybe it is not as alright as I put it before. That maybe I needed to control myself. Maybe I needed help.

I CAME here because I needed help, and I ask you, how would you feel if I had attacked you for your respective problems? Probably not very good, and probably pretty upset, just like I am now. However, even though I was upset, I chose not to drop names for sake of not alienating anyone, you were the one chose to alienate yourself. Do not drop this one on me.

I am positive that you are good, and morally driven, however this IS a place where people visit to GET HELP. And in that we have a duty if we wish to help to stay objective, even though we may not be. So I ask you, do you think that you are doing a service in this particular thread? Because from the person who need help, I feel in this subject you have done a great disservice. You not only REFUSED to help me, but you alienated me and told me to seek professional help with the worst of tenors. And when I chose NOT to return the favor, you attack me. For that I am attacking back.

You say I think I know everything. You know I get that a lot. I come off like that. But really I don't even try to pretend to know everything, but I speak from experience, my own understandings, and occasionally in defense. Socrates said it best. "I know that I am wise, for I know that I know nothing." And the more try, the more I think that I understand enough, in which I can say I know nothing. Am I always there? No. But I do NOT believe that I know everything either. Please do not try to judge a person whom you do not know.

This thread has helped me, but it has also hurt me, for that, I need to wash my hands of this thread. And hope that whatever is said here, STAYS HERE. I know I will be doing my best efforts to ensure that on my part.

- Anonymous

[paula]

Pseudonym, You want to practice what you preach!

I was not referring to you when I was referring to those who would sooner damn than help. For sake of not alienating anyone I will not mention names, but they know who they are.

You would of seen that I tried putting all what was said in past post, behind us and tried to make a fresh start! Even apologising to whome ever I had offended. But I take that back now! You don't deserve it! You Clearly indicated that remark was meant for me!

You want to grow up and get a life! You HI-JACKED this post in the first place! Don't come all this mr inocent guy, because that is something you are not!

Dear Paula.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can certainly understand how emotional this subject is. It is hard enough for me to speak about it, I cannot comprehend how hard it is for people who do not have this problem, or even worse the people who unfortunately have been on the other end of the problem. This is an emotional subject for all who participate.

I am positive that you are good, and morally driven, however this IS a place where people visit to GET HELP. And in that we have a duty if we wish to help to stay objective, even though we may not be. So I ask you, do you think that you are doing a service in this particular thread? Because from the person who need help, I feel in this subject you have done a great disservice.

Don't talk a LOAD OF CRAP! I can see what your trying to do? Your trying to turn all this around, well it just won't work! This thread was doing allright till you poked your nose in, shit stirring!

You say I think I know everything. You know I get that a lot. I come off like that. But really I don't even try to pretend to know everything, but I speak from experience, my own understandings, and occasionally in defense. Socrates said it best. "I know that I am wise, for I know that I know nothing." And the more try, the more I think that I understand enough, in which I can say I know nothing. Am I always there? No. But I do NOT believe that I know everything either. Please do not try to judge a person whom you do not know.

Your right there "you know nothing" so stop coming across as if you do, then maybe people won't judge you? You have answered your own question there!

This thread has helped me, but it has also hurt me, for that, I need to wash my hands of this thread. And hope that whatever is said here, STAYS HERE. I know I will be doing my best efforts to ensure that on my part.

Lets just hope that you do!

Paula, I know you are upset; this is upsetting stuff to talk about, but please be civil. Mark

Mark I tried to be civil previously, but as you can see it was a waste of time! I am only defending what I believe to be my rights!

John Rutledge To be fair, Paula ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

... I don't think he likes me very much, either. Don't leave me out !

Don't let it worry you John! I certainly won't! Mr NO IT ALL! WHO KNOWS ****ALL!

[scared]

I have removed my posts in this thread because there are dangerous psychologically damaging things in here and nothing should be read by anybody who isn't a trained mental health professional. Sorry to all this has affected.

Edited May 20, 2009 by scared

[Pseudonym]

It is interesting that when I wrote that post that you immediately thought of yourself, and conveniently forgot you were just one a plethora of people who decided to be offensive when it came to this subject. It is funny because the people who have been victimized by people who have my affliction are the ones who have shown me the MOST acceptance. The ones who have worded carefully enough as not to offend. THESE are the people who HAVE THE RIGHT to be angry, and have THE RIGHT to offend me. Instead they have decided to forgive and help. And for that I am grateful. They have shown me compassion and have treated me like a human. It almost brings back my faith in humanity.

However YOU a person who has not experience first hand either side of this weigh the greatest opinion. YOU a person who DOES NOT have the RIGHT to be angry, is the angriest. If you had been hurt by an adult, I would take it, I understand the anger people have towards me. But since DAY ONE of when I joined to be helped and help, you have gone on a crusade against me and every other person seeking help for this. YOU have hurt and offended the people WHO NEED help. And you call yourself a helper. You are nothing but a judgmental sad excuse of a helpful person.

And by the way. YOU HAVE NEVER apologized. You have shown a moment of compassion, and that was very good for you. But in almost the same breath you rode the ebonflow into the same judgmental attitude that had offended me in the first place, and that makes me sad. You asked me to open up, and when I did, you attacked again when I was vulnerable. THIS is why I don't talk to therapists about this, THIS is why I use the handle Pseudonym. THIS is why I sign EVERY POST with Anonymous. Because of people like YOU who will sooner judge than help.

I'm not being nice here, I am certainly not following what I preach. I am being angry, and I am being hurtful. It is not right, and I will never pretend that it is. However you have pushed me and pushed me. And I AM SICK OF IT! I tried to be civil, I didn't even mention your name before, even though you have been the one who had given the most egregious offenses to me. My original message was to help another who has my problem, and I NO WAY was I meaning to start anything like this. BUT AM SICK OF IT.

If you don't like me FINE. I get that one a lot too. I'm snobbish and opinionated, and I'm ok with that. But I'm here to stay, and to help. And so far I've done a good job of the latter. So get used to it, and for GODS SAKE don't defend yourself by telling us that you are defending rights. Because I have rights too, I have the right to be helped, and you are doing NOTHING to aid in the endeavor. So next time you feel like speaking up angrily against a person who is asking for help, and sending him to the ninth layer of hell before you even give them a chance. Just stand back and shut up, because we don't need that, check that, we don't deserve it.

And by the way, next time you demean me about my intelligence or my knowlege. Use Spell check or get a proof reader.

- Anonymous.

Edited November 11, 2008 by Pseudonym

[paula]

However YOU a person who has not experience first hand either side of this weigh the greatest opinion. YOU a person who DOES NOT have the RIGHT to be angry, is the angriest. If you had been hurt by an adult, I would take it, I understand the anger people have towards me. But since DAY ONE of when I joined to be helped and help, you have gone on a crusade against me and every other person seeking help for this. YOU have hurt and offended the people WHO NEED help. And you call yourself a helper. You are nothing but a judgmental sad excuse of a helpful person.

GET A GRIP YOU SAD SICK GET!

How can you talk of whether I had been hurt by an adult or not? I'm afraid you have gone to far, YOU PERVERT! I have only hurt and offended one person here and that is YOU! You are an HYPORCRIT! You try soft talking people to like you! YOU ARE SAD!

However YOU a person who has not experience first hand either side of this weigh the greatest opinion. YOU a person who DOES NOT have the RIGHT to be angry, is the angriest. If you had been hurt by an adult, I would take it,

DON'T YOU EVER TELL ME WHETHER I HAVE EXPERIENCED IT FIRST HAND OR NOT? LIKE I MENTIONED PREVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW FUCK ALL! I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY SO DON'T GO PREACHING TO ME DICK HEAD! you have no idea what has gone on in my life, and you will never know?

And by the way. YOU HAVE NEVER apologized. You have shown a moment of compassion, and that was very good for you. But in almost the same breath you rode the ebonflow into the same judgmental attitude that had offended me in the first place, and that makes me sad. You asked me to open up, and when I did, you attacked again when I was vulnerable. THIS is why I don't talk to therapists about this, THIS is why I use the handle Pseudonym. THIS is why I sign EVERY POST with Anonymous. Because of people like YOU who will sooner judge than help.

HOW CAN YOU TYPE THAT I HAVE NEVER APOLOGISED! IF YOU CARE TO LOOK AT PREVIOUS POST THEN YOU WILL SEE! CORRECTION, I HAVE NEVER ASKED YOU TO OPEN UP TO ME! I DON'T EVER WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU, YOU ARE EVIL! YOU ARE THE DEVIL IN DISGUISE! I ONLY JUDGE PERVERTS LIKE YOURSELF! SICK PERVERTS!

And I AM SICK OF IT! I tried to be civil, I didn't even mention your name before, even though you have been the one who had given the most egregious offenses to me.

YOU ARE SICK OF IT, YOU ARE SICK! WE WANT TO PLAY GAMES DO WE, THEN I WILL PLAY!

YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT RIDICULE PEOPLE! THE ONLY ONE THAT I HAVE A PROBLEM HERE WITH IS YOU! AND YOU TELL ME TO GET A SPELL CHECKER, WELL FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I AM DYSLEXIC OR HAD YOU NOT GATHERED THAT? AND DON'T TRY AND TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

DO US ALL A FAVIOUR AND SLING YOUR HOOK! I CAN GIVE AS MUCH AS I TAKE SO "BRING IT ON BOY!"

[John Rutledge]

deleted .....

Edited October 28, 2009 by John Rutledge