A question from another side of self injury

[meshach]

I hope I am not in the wrong forum, please let me know if I am.

A quick background.

Me: ( 54, Male, Divorced with custody of 2 girls both older teens, secure, have been told I am the “nice guy”.

Her: (A) 49, Female, divorced, grown children, one grandchild, very nice person.

(A) was placed in a Panamanian orphanage shortly after birth where she stayed until the age of 15. (A) was adopted by a loving family in California where she grew up and attended school, married the first time for a period of less than a year, had a child, than met and moved to New Mexico with natural sister after locating her through searching for natural parents who were then deceased. Met and married second husband of 20 years, second child, separated due to drug use of spouse and moved to live with natural sister for last two years. (A) was abused at age 13 by unknown until age of 15 when adopted. (A) has always had trouble (her opinion) in keeping close relationships, even with some adopted family members, she gets attached to them and then pushes them away because of attachment. (her opinion).

I am seriously dating this wonderful woman, she has a habit of when things get close and seems to be getting attached to relationship she shuts down and won’t talk, won’t call, refuses to answer calls for extended periods, something I have to learn to live with. Before we met she started having a habit of “picking” holes in her skin, mostly on her arms and neck. These holes have left large (dime size) visible scars. Whenever she comes out of one of these periods of being shut down she has at least one new injury but refuses to seek any sort of counseling.

Now my questions.

By attempting to have a close relationship with this woman am I doing her more harm than good? Both physically and emotionally? (A) wants relationship to continue when we are talking.

When she is a period of being closed to everyone should I continue to show support by way of email (only thing she does not refuse) or stay away totally and give her total space? Would she feel abandonded more if left alone?

I know these questions may seem trivial but I really want to help (A) and continue the close relationship we have. How do I cope with this?

[Kalima]

I don't think emailing her is bad, as long as she's not asked you not to. However much space she may want, if she hasnt asked you not to email her then she probally appreciates the reminder that someone cares, even if she cant handle the closeness there and then.

If you can, I would say direct her for some form of counciloring, but becareful not to push too hard.

All the best to you both. x