One Step Away From Giving Up [SI/OD Warning]

[Ms. Nobody]

Things have gotten pretty bad. They’ve always been bad, but a few days ago they got worse then just bad. I believe I ODed slightly if ODing slightly is even possible -- ugh what I mean is I had the symptoms of an OD but rode it out. Is that even possible? How can someone OD but not need medical attention? It took about a day and a half for me to start feeling better, in between that time I knew something was wrong, I just didn’t know what. Somewhere inside though I had a feeling, somehow I knew it was an OD. I don’t know -- I know nothing about overdosing but I knew the symptoms were that of an overdose.

Fuck, does that even make sense? … I’m not an addict, I don’t do drugs -- I just took to many vicodin. Things just got to bad, I just wanted it all to go away. I just didn’t want to care anymore, I still don’t want to care. God, I’m so confused. I feel like cutting so bad, I want to -- but I know I can’t right now. Not until after my doctors appointment.

Ugh -- I feel so ridicules, but I have no one else I can turn to, or talk to. I just don’t know what to do.

[Kalima]

Your not alone, I'm listening and i'm sure others are too. What happened that you felt you had to take the step you did? attempting to OD (I think thats what your saying happened).

I for one am very glad it was a failed attempt. When are you seeing your Dr and what kind of Dr is it?

If you think your going to get to that point again can you get your self to a hospital? If you feel that bad perhaps you need immediate help rather than waiting?

Hugs x Kali

Edited July 4, 2008 by Kalima

[Mark]

Sounds like an ambivalent suicide attempt, maybe? which is another way of saying that you wanted the pain to go away for now and maybe for longer than that.

Vicodin is a drug, though a physician-prescribed one. It is in the same family of substances as heroin and morphine (opioids all) and that is why it is such a good pain killer. It is possible to OD partially, just in that it is possible to take too much of a drug and go beyond the normal effects you are used to. Obviosuly you didn't end up killing yourself, but maybe you can closer than ever before.

I agree with Kali that some psychiatric help may be useful or even required. I don't know if you've been to the doctor yet, but if you haven't yet, it would be a good idea for you to let your doctor know about this ambivalent overdose that you've survived, and the way your thoughts are feeling lately. "I don't want to care" isn't exactly an affirmative suicide idea, but it can be a sort of passive one, and I think we should call it what it appears to be (e.g., it appears to be a suicidal thought).

Should the urge to "sleep forever" or "make the pain go away at any means" come upon you again, really the right response will be to get yourself to a hospital, becuase under the circumstances, you are at that moment suicidal and need psychiatric care to help you hold yourself together.

I'd like to suggest that you read over our Suicide article. Not sure where you live and some of what we've written is specific to the United States (with regard to the legal material anyway), but the majority of the information should be helpful to you at any rate.

I'm so sorry you are in such pain.

Mark

[Proverbs31:28]

When you took this medication, did you do so intentionally? Was it an attempt to rid yourself of pain or depression? What was your goal?

The reason I ask is because a couple of weeks ago, I did something I am not proud of but sounds similar. I was struggling with very severe depressive symptoms (still am, but getting therapy now) and I was not coping at all. When I was feeling very suicidal, to the point I wasn't sure if I could stop myself, I decided to take 3X my dose of anti-Ds and anti-anxiety meds. I had no intention of killing myself but I did intentionally take the meds. My goal was simply to sleep until the pain went away. I DO NOT advocate this type of behavior and, as I said, am not proud of it. At that moment in time, though, I truly felt like I would not be able to resist suicidal urges if I didn't do something to "escape."

I ended up sleeping for about 18 hours straight and when I woke had symptoms very similar to previous OD suicide attempts. It actually took a couple of days to recover from the symptoms!

In my case, it was not a suicide attempt. BUT, it was an attempt to escape which is what suicide is.

I don't have a lot of good advice for you. I don't even have good advice for myself other than, after feeling the way I did afterwards I don't plan to try that again. Part of me thinks "I accomplished my goal since I avoided the suicidal urges" but the reality is there must be another wat to accomplish that goal, right? It was after that event that I finally sought out a therapist. So, I guess that would be my advice- get to a therapist and discuss these feelings and find alternatives to "partial OD." Therapy is not a cure all and it doesn't make the feelings and urgers go away. At least in my case it hasn't. BUT, knowing I have someone holding me accountable and willing to help me face my issues somehow gets me thorugh the week.

Hang in there. Know that you are not alone. Know that you are not the first one in this boat. Keep sharing, learning and expressing yourself. I am always around to listen, if that helps at all.

[nightfalls]

HI Ms. Nobody,

I feel for your situation and I hope that things will get better for you quickly. Please take care of yourself, I know in the moment it is really hard to see past all the bad feelings and the urges can be really tempting and in the moment it is easy to just want it all to fade away in whatever means possible but you really have to fight hard in those moments to hold on. You don't know what damage you could be doing to yourself or if there is a long term consiquences of what you take. So please be careful and please get some help so you can control yourself in these moments. Sending a hug to you and a smile to hope you feel better. take care

[L.Mirage]

nil

[paula]

Hi Boldaslove20, I know exactly how your feeling as I've already been there. O.Deed I mean and It's not very nice.

It seems to me that you could be lonely? I know that you said, that you've two children. But it's not the same is it! You can't have a grown up conversation with two little ones can you.

While you are feeling like this, it might be best that you are kept round company. Could you not go and visit family say.

You need something to occupy your mind. A hobby perhaps. Doing jigsaws, gardening, socialising etc etc. I don't know, anything! Just as long as your not left on your own!

Times like this you need your family & friends besides you. Have you not got a best friend that you could confide in, at times like this.

What about the Samaritans? I'm sorry I couldn't be of much help! But let me give you a bit of advice: A problem shared is a problem halved. Were all here for you when you need us.

Just a few words to help you on your way:

Life is to short to wake up in the morning with regrets,

So love the people who treat you right,

Forget about the one's who don't,

Believe that everything happens for a reason,

If you get a chance take it,

If it changes your life, then let it,

Nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it'd be worth it!

Take care. Paula x:cool:

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Paula,

and thank you for giving great advice.

Even when things are at their worst they are bound to get better when we least expect it. That is why suicide is not a solution but only a hopeless end. Even in the worst of circumstances, moods change and people feel better. Also, there is the very real fact that there is now medical treatment even for the worst of depressions. There is every reason to hope even when things seem at their darkest.

Allan

[paula]

Thanks Allan,

I'm just trying to get my point of view across. Like I said previously. I've been there and done it twice. Something that I'm not proud of!

But I do know where she is coming from? Believe me, it's not a good place where your mind takes you on this journey, but you've got to fight back. Fight good and strong.

My Mother always said to me that, the grass is all way's greener on the other side. It's a true saying, if ever I heard one.

I happen to believe that I myself, am on track to reaching the other side. Or I hope so. Only time will tell but I'm trying, and I'm trying really hard.

A lot of it is thanks to all you.. Thanks for being there when I needed someone to talk to. It really did help. I know that I've got a long way to go yet! But it makes my time worth while, knowing that I've got people like you lot to turn to if I'm ever feeling down. I'm not saying that I'm never going to have these thoughts again, but if I do? I know where to turn this time.

You deserve a medal, putting up with the likes of us and I myself will vote for that. Hip, Hip, Hurray!

Take care

Paula x:D

[texasgirl]

When I do it, it's to make the pain go away, although it only be temporary relief. The main problem I have with it, when I start I can't stop.

Texas girl

[L.Mirage]

nil

[paula]

Hi Boldaslove

I'm sooo sorry you feel that way! You need help!

Have you not got a real friend? What I mean by a real friend is: someone who's there for you no matter what time it is, day or night? Some one you can really confined in. I mean, tell them everything, no holding back!

This is your body's way of calling for help. By the way of self harm, I mean!

I wish I could say that I understand with your self harm issues but I don't. Because it has never happened to me, so I've not been there. Unless you are professionally trained in these topics, no one can understand unless they've been through it their selves.

It's like me for instance. I felt that I couldn't go to Counseling after I was gang raped by five lad's, because I didn't want them saying to me that they understand? Because, believe me. THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND! They don't understand the way I do! Because It was me that it happened to and not them! That happened to me seven years ago and even up to this day! I can still see each and every one of their faces.

I get so angry, knowing that there not suffering sleepless nights still! There not looking over their shoulder every time they go out! There not having the troubles that I am trying to put this behind me and finding it difficult to do! NO! They've probably forgot about what happened that night after laughing about it! It's not their mind that's loosing it with Anxiety, Manic Depression, Insomnia, Memory problems.

Even now, I feel that I cannot tell anyone in full detail what happened that night? The pain is still to intense! I reported it to the Police, the night it happened. They examined me internally & externally. They tried to encourage me to go to Counseling, but I couldn't. I felt for a long time that I couldn't go into to much detail about the rape, and I still feel like this now! I know that Counseling will probably help a lot, but you try telling my mind that! It's having none of it!

Anyway, enough of that! I wish you all the luck with your problem! Here's a few word's for you to be thinking of to help you on your way:

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friend's will leave their footprint's in your heart!

Paula x

[texasgirl]

I have cut, burn, clawed too Bold, this statement is very true.

"Once we start, it is hard to stop, it almost becomes a challenge right?! Ok this wasn't so bad, and its not bleeding enough, doesn't hurt enough, or "You loser, you call THAT a cut!? If you're gonna do it do it RIGHT"

Oddly enough I didn't realize it till the other day that I have found another outlet of sorts. I guess thats what you call it, a friend of mine asked me why do I want to gauge out the holes in my ears. I had never really thought about it before. This is what I came up with, there is a certain amount of pain involved in each stage gauging (in making your hole bigger) I'M in control of that pain, unlike the pain I suffer from growing up in an abusive alcoholic home, which I have NO control over.

It also takes attention away from the multitude of scars I have. I guess the logic there is, I'd rather be a "FREAK" from body modification and art than from mutilating my body.

BOLD, I AM NOT SAYING BY ANY MEANS TO GO START GAUGING YOUR WHOLES, BODY MODIFACATION IS A BIG COMITMENT, A PERMANATE ALTERATION TO YOUR BODY, ONE NOT TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY, THERE IS NO UNDOING WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.

I question every day why at age 36 is this happening, I went through this as a teen why again.

I just do not understand.

Texas girl

[Mark]

In reading this thread, I'm struck by the way that self-injury becomes a challenge almost like there is someone in your head that is urging you on calling you a loser because you aren't self-injuring enough.

it brings to mind how many psych theories of how the mind works talk about how people internalize the harsh voice of past critics and then start being those critics towards themselves even though the actual critics that voice is based upon are no longer present. So - it's like people get colonized by other people, and then lose their native identities - they mistake the other person's voice who has colonized their own mind for their own voice, and they punish themselves. Does this idea make sense to people? I'll try to give an example. It's like your parent yells at you all the time when you are little, and at first you just feel terrified, but then later, you start to build a model of your parent inside your head, and then even when you are not actually being yelled at by your parent, you still feel like your parent is yelling at you. And then later, that yelling voice starts to feel like yourself, and you yell at yourself - you yell at that part of yourself that is weak and vulnerable. You start torturing yourself.

If this much is how this process of self-injury plays out (and it appears to me that at least sometimes this is part of what is going on), then part of the answer is to start to examine the different voices inside your head (not like hallucinated voices that people with Schizophrenia might hear, but the different stances you take when you talk to yourself) and try to tease out which voice is your own and which voice started out as someone else yelling at you and then later became your own. Becuase it is important to be able to recognize when the voice is not originally your own so that you can learn how to resist it and fight back against it.

Each of you self-injurers is a good person. You have flaws and aren't perfect, but we are all imperfect like that. You're at base worthwhile people. It isn't right that you should feel compelled to beat yourselves up. that vulnerable part of yourself that you are punishing (when you feel the need to punish yourselves) does not deserve to be abused further. I ask you when you expereince this self-punishing urge to try to step back from the self-aggression and try to figure out where the self-aggression came from and if that is really you and your own choice or if it was originally someone elses aggression and someone else's choice that you've adopted for various reasons.

When you're in the middle of such a self-punishing episode, it can be extremely difficult to step back from it and examine it. That is why self-soothing skills work such as occurs in a DBT therapy is important and valuable. It helps you to develop the skills necessary to open up a calm space in the midst of a storm of emotion so that you can examine that emotion rather than be its' helpless victim.

[texasgirl]

That is exactly how it is for me, I have never told anyone but my husband this for fear if I told someone about "voices" the men in the white coats would come

For me I know who's voice it is, my mother aka the spawn of Satan. I am ashamed to admit this but I do not drive to this day because of her voice in my head. Fortunately I have been blessed enough to work and live in this small town in Texas, and have a understanding husband when it comes to not driving. So far it has not become to big of a problem, other than the longing to have the freedom and confidence that driving would bring. Just plain being "normal" would be nice too.

So how to put the beast out of my mind hummm any thoughts? I use to think when she died her voice would die as well. Not so sure that is true, my dad has been gone 10 years and I still hear his on occasion.

On top of my normal problems, I have found a pretty big lie that my family has worked very hard to keep quiet. I guess they never thought of me as smart enough to do some digging into the past.

Is it possible that you can be made to believe something till your family convinces you it really happened?

YES I know it would take a pretty messed up family to do that to me, I

assure you mind is beyond messed up.

I welcome any thoughts y'all have.

Texasgirl

[L.Mirage]

nil

[L.Mirage]

nil

[paula]

Hi Boldaslove

Your in a catch 22 situation here!

I take it, that what you mean by mentioning a long lost secret is, that your family have troubled with their Mental Health in past generations, and kept it to their self.

They probably kept it to their selves because, they was thinking along the lines that you are now. Will someone come and cart me off somewhere? Will I have my kids took of me? Am I loosing the plot?

Not only that! In their generation, it was different! If you was thought to suffer any mental issues, then you was carted of to an Asylum. You was an embarrassment to the family! This is why, that if you did suffer any mental issues, then they would try and hide the fact, so as not to cause unnecessary worry, by bringing shame on the family!

In them day's, people didn't like anyone knowing their business! they thought of it as degrading. This is why, you will find, many of old folk that keep their past to their chest. They often think of it as, the least that anyone knows about them, the better

Back to your problem! Do you say anything or keep quiet! If you keep quiet, then your not getting the professional help that you need? And if you say anything, do you risk loosing everything that you've got! Most of all your PRIDE!

Sometimes you've got to swallow your pride and think about the consequences. What I'm saying is, think of number one? Because if you don't, then no-one else will?

Do what your heart Tell's you, and follow your instinct! There's only you that knows best, and if it means loosing your friends, then be it. It only goes to show, that anyone of your friend's that abandons you, are not your friends in the first place.

A FRIEND IS SOMEONE WHO THINKS YOUR A GOOD EGG, EVEN THOUGH YOUR SLIGHTLY CRACKED!

Take care

Paula x;)

[mscat]

I am sorry that this happened to you. Thank Goodness you were allright. I think it depends on what your intentions were at the time of the O.D. To make the pain go away... That to me is a form of self injurous behavior. Not wanting to die, but wanting to shut out the world just for a little while and to feel better, if only temporaraily.

Self injury takes all kinds of forms. Sometimes people prefer one method and use that. Taking too many pills w/o wanting to kill yourself, is not unheard of.