Humour - the best defence

[John Rutledge]

Some people have all the luck ...

Best regards,

[Luna-]

"Sic transit ..."

So, John, does that mean the guy in the casket was named Gloria? ;-)

I'm dense. I've thought and thought and I admit defeat.

I don't get it at all, malign, please explain?

(You know I can't bear to miss out.)

[John Rutledge]

Hello, Luna -

Malign is having a little (Latin) joke. "Sic transit gloria mundi" is a Latin phrase of somewhat uncertain origin, meaning "So passes the glory of the world". The full sense of it is probably conveyed well by James Shirley's Elizabethan poem, "Death the Leveller" -

"The glories of our blood and state

Are shadows, not substantial things;

There is no armour against Fate;

Death lays his icy hand on kings:

Sceptre and Crown

Must tumble down,

And in the dust be equal made

With the poor crookèd scythe and spade.

Some men with swords may reap the field,

And plant fresh laurels where they kill:

But their strong nerves at last must yield;

They tame but one another still:

Early or late

They stoop to fate,

And must give up their murmuring breath

When they, pale captives, creep to death.

The garlands wither on your brow,

Then boast no more your mighty deeds!

Upon Death's purple altar now

See where the victor-victim bleeds.

Your heads must come

To the cold tomb:

Only the actions of the just

Smell sweet and blossom in their dust."

Cheerful stuff, no ? Well ... depends on one's point of view as to the "actions of the just".

By the way, there is a joke about a lady called Gloria Mundy, who paints her white Transit van with obscenities in large, colourful lettering. A motorcycle cop who knows her stops her on the freeway; he strolls up to her window, cop-style, takes off his shades, and remarks, "Sick Transit, Gloria Mundy !".

Oh well, enough Arts (Foundation) for the day ...

Very best regards,

[Luna-]

Thanks so much, JR! I am now suitably educated on Sic(k) Transit.

Your mention of the 'actions of the just', reminds me of this rhyme:

The rain, it raineth on the just,

and also on the unjust fella,

but mostly on the just, because

the unjust steals the just's umbrella!

[Luna-]

A mature woman gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't mess with a mature woman...

[Luna-]

Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.

Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[Luna-]

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true", the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so." The doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

[SweetSue]

There was a little "Incident" at your house today while you were gone. Please allow me to explain. I was watching T.V and I heard this beeping going off in the kitchen. The first thing I thought of was the Smoke Detector going off, so I ran into the kitchen and checked everything out. By the time I got to the kitchen the beeping had stopped, and I couldnt smell any smoke.

I went back to watching my movie and I kept hearing a beep every minute. I knew that the type of Smoke Detector that you have is the type that took a few minutes to reset itself. I kept watching my movie, and about 10 minutes later I was getting annoyed that the beeping continued. I paused the movie, ran out into the kitchen, unhooked the detector, and went back to the movie.

The beeping continued.

Having a college degree in electronics, I knew the capacitors could hold charge after the batteries had been removed. About 20 minutes later, I got really anoyed because I could still hear the beeping. And I got so mad. I went and grabbed a pair of wire cutters and cut the damn speaker off the Smoke Detector, and I left it sitting on the counter.

I sat back down and heard "beep"

Now I was fuming. I listened to that "beep" about 3 more times, then I finally got a hammer and pounded the heck out of your frigging Smoke Detector on the counter. (while I was pounding I heard "beep"). It was getting me really mad, I sat back down and resumed the movie and sure enough "beep". I had the wire cutters in my hand and I went out to the kitchen (curious to see what the hell could still be running it) and cut all the parts into little pieces, put half into a little plastic container, and left half on the counter. I took half the parts over to the living room thinking if it beeps now, I know its these, and the other parts I left on the counter knowing it would be them.

In moments I heard the parts in the kitchen beep. So I took them into the living room and spread them on the coffee table, staring at them saying to myself "the frigging part that beeps, will get smashed". Not 3 seconds later, the parts I just had, now on the kitchen counter beeped. I was furious. I thought to myself "his Smoke Detector is possessed". I bought all the parts into the living room and laid them out on the coffee table. I was staring at them, just waiting for one bit of it to beep, so I could smash the crap out of it.

All of a sudden, I hear "beep", but it was coming from the kitchen. I walked out there, all freaked out. I just waited......... and waited....... It seemed like hours, but it was only 30 seconds later. I heard the mystifying "beep" coming from your jacket. I looked in the pocket and it was your beeper, that you had left at home by accident. All I could do was take the hammer and beat the crap out of your beeper, because I was the one that paged you. Sorry !!!

[Symora]

LADY'S YEARLY EXAM

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.

The nurse started with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asked.

"135," I said.

The nurse put me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, "Your height?"

"5 foot 6," I said.

The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

What a b!tch!!!

[Luna-]

Take two in the evening.

(click just once on image to enlarge)

[DahliMOMMA]

A husband and wife had been having a big blow out regarding interference of various family members in their marriage. They had a function to go to a couple of towns away and had to pass through an area of farmland.

They passed a pasture full of Jackasses....the husband leaned over and winking says "relatives of yours?"...wife rolls her eyes..."Yup.....in-laws!"

[John Rutledge]

Don't know if this is a "repost" - Husband to Wife, "What would happen to you if I died ?". Wife answers, "I think I would be acquitted ...".

Best regards,

[Calla]

"Tell me, what does IDK stand for?"

"I don't know"

"I can't believe this no one knows!!!!"

[Symora]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! Whacha doing?' The koalo said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

When he got to the river, the little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey, you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said, "Fuuuuuuck, dude :eek:... how much water did you drink?!?!

[Guest ASchwartz]

OKay, so this couple is married about twenty years. The husband looks at his wife and asks, "What would you do if I died?"

The wife thinks for a moment and then responds, "I'm sure I'd be acquitted!"

Allan

[DahliMOMMA]

Quick back-story: Now, I don't recall exactly how we got on the topic but my husband and I were discussing spouse or partners smacking each other up, I think it had to do with my sister-in-law's terrible choice of men and some of his friends crazy wives/girlfriends. Somehow this is a reoccurring issue for a lot of people we know and feel lucky to be in a great relationship and sorry for those who continually repeat this behavior. We were talking about how we have never laid hands upon each other (nor would we).

Anyway, to the funny part. We were having this conversation with our 3 year old daughter in the vicinity so we were kind of using abbreviations/ double talk in our conversation. I said jokingly "I would never smack you like a little B!" and realizing it could be interpreted differently..."Oh no honey , I meant I would be the 'little B' in the scenario, not you!" My 3 year old pops up...."Oh, no Mommy...YOU're the big B!!"

We lost it:D:eek:... Out of the mouths of babes/ or 'little pitchers have big ears' (your choice)~~~Now DH and I have a private joke (we not now, I guess;)) about me being "the BIG B"!

[DahliMOMMA]

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest.. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America :

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."

(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. In Redmond WA )

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."

(Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule ."

(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."

(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."

(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.

When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."

(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."

(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Everyone,

Just a reminder that this forum is the Lounge and we have the opportunity to be light hearted and funny. There are plenty of other forums to be serious in. Besides, humor is the best cure.

Allan

[Calla]

Sorry Allan I don't get that one. Not trying to criticise your humour or anything but the punchline wasn't very snappy Hehe

I will never stop giggling when told the joke

"horse walks into a bar and the barman says why the long face?"

[Luna-]

... Besides, humour is the best cure.

Cure? Did you say CURE? Will it work for bipolar too? *very hopeful look* I've been using it for years, but it hasn't cured me. What am I doing wrong? I've been using it for defence, should I switch to attack? Please sir, please tell me which brand you are using? I must get my hands on some of this!

Panaceas are very rare. You might want to patent it. It will turn the psychiatric world on its head. You'll make lots of money, which you will need as you'll be out of a job, because we'll all be CURED!

PS. Thanks for bumping up the thread.

[Calla]

Hope this isn't too naughty (or a repost)

Man goes to a psychiatrist wrapped only in clingfilm. And the psychiatrist says "well I can clearly see your nuts"

(sorry!)

[danni]

OK....this isn't joke but I found it extremely humorous.

I'm covering the caseloads of two of my professional staff who are on extended leave. One of them works with children and I was meeting with a kid who is on the autism spectrum. He was struggling to finish school so we were working on his homework this session.

So he's doing his math and it's those "story problems" that we all used to hate. (Well...I didn't but then I've always been a geek.)

Anyway....he's one of those kids who needs to process his thinking out loud so he was talking through the answer to the problem.

The problem went something like this "Jennifer has a blue pair of pants, a black pair of pants and a red pair of pants. She also has a black pair of shoes and a brown pair of shoes. How many different combinations can Jennifer make.

He thinks about it for awhile. Counts on his fingers etc.... Then he lets out this HUGE exasperated sigh and says, "Go with the black Jennifer. Black goes with everything." It took some will power to keep my composure because it struck me sooooo funny. Well, at least when school is done he may not know math but he will be a wiz at accessorizing!!

[danni]

I got something from a coworker earlier this morning that I am still giggling about. (behind closed doors of course!)

We have a running joke around here that if you can get through a whole day without being told to go to hell that it has been a good day...

So today he brings me this picture with the caption "I can't go to hell.....Satan still has that restraining order against me!" I put it up in a place in my office that I can see but visitors/clients/co-workers can't see it but it makes me smile every time I look over there.

[John Rutledge]

Wally to Pointy-Haired Boss -

"You can take my soul but not my lack of enthusiasm."

Sounds just about where I am at in relation to my employers ...

Yours from the Saltmines,

[Calla]

Hahahaha....I like those last 2. That might have to be my new facebook status Danni.

And John I wish I had known that one when I was in my last job!!!

Sorry I should have thought of a joke to go with that....I've run out of clean ones!!