i need help, badly

[andrew boren]

well i wanted to let everyone know im doing better, i got to see my first gf, who i have not seen for about 5 years, yesterday. didn't get to talk tho. i got a girlfriend 2 days ago, she is accually sarah's second cousin. i know it is not a smart idea, but who am i to let sarah say who i can and cant date, and liz ( sarah's second cousin) has liked me from day one, and that was about 6-8 months ago. so all in all im doing alot better.

[Symora]

Hi Andrew, thanks for the update. It's great to hear that you are doing well :-)

[andrew boren]

doing good, me and liz are still together, and i cant believe this but me and sarah are talking, been talking for over a week, talking to her right now in teamspeak3 (voice program) life is looking better

[LaLa]

That's so enjoyable to read good news on this forum!!! Thank you, Andrew, for sharing them!

[andrew boren]

its no problem, im a person who keeps his word, i promised to keep everyone updated, and so i am, i really am a unique kid, only 18 and probally have better morals than most adults, i found a diamond on the ground the other day, i want to have it checked, it cut glass easyly, and i cant cut into it, im hoping anyway, life is looking better and better, i still have alot going threw my mind, but being able to talk to sarah is helping it all calm down

[Lindamomof7]

Hey Andrew glad to hear you are doing well... and thanks for keeping us updated:)

So what are you going to do with the diamond you found? Where did you find it?

[andrew boren]

i have no idea what im gonna do with it, i know the right thing to do would be turn it in, but part of me sees it as a safty net, i have no money at all going to college with no job, its a high wire act

[Lindamomof7]

I figured that. But do what is right and think about the person who lost it. If it was meant for you to keep it, then your attempt to get it back to its owner will play out as it is meant to. Good luck with your decision.

[andrew boren]

what stinks is i have no clue where to start looking, i was on my walk around the city block, and as i was walking in the empty field, the field just has a bunch of trees a concrete block lots of grass and as i was walking i collect things i find on the ground, and the sparkle just caught my eye, when i went by it i saw it and picked it up, their is no houses around this place, so im thinking some one just happened to be walking threw like i was and it fell out of their ring

[andrew boren]

hi guys wanted to give everyone an update, i broke up with liz, it was the hardest thing i have had to do to date, i just was not in love with her and i couldn't let her get hurt worse. but me and sarah are back together, she is no longer afraid to like me, we talk all day and things couldn't be better. i waited over a year for sarah and now i have her, i wont let her slip away this time. i gave sarah my heart and i cant take it from her, no matter how much i try, im in love with sarah, and always will be

[Aaron.X.C]

Off-topic, I would sell the diamond, it can help you afford stuff.

[Born to Perish]

Sorry for not coming by for a while, thought everything was okay now. I sent you a friend request back. I am really sorry. Send me a private message if you'd like to I'll always be there. Da da da da da......

[andrew boren]

looks like my life sucks again, i lost sarah once again, i feel like crud and cant get back up this time, i have destroyed my mind way to far to go back. im hurting deep, and i cant stop hurting, im afraid of whats gonna happen to me. she is everything and im tired of hurting. i have 3 friends who are girls who tell me i mean everything to them and they love me and want me...the only thing is they are dating other guys..i feel so hurt and have no one that wants me once again..i really wish i could just find someone who would love me and only me..i have looked all over the net...girls around me dont ever want me. any help, anyone, i just want someone to want me and love me

[malign]

How about starting with you, Andrew?

Can you want you and love you?

If you make a relationship be all about the other person, you do leave yourself vulnerable when they leave. We've all experienced that loss, or the fear of it.

The fact that there are people around you who care about you is a good thing, if you can allow yourself to feel it. Granted, it's not your ideal image, but isn't it something? These are other human beings, who see you as a valuable person.

Isn't that a form of hope?

[andrew boren]

im strange like that i dont matter unless some girl wants me..im able to be the guy anyone can want to be with forever. my mind hurts me and changes me to their will, i am a tool that is able to adapt to the person, everyone controls me...im having a hard time this time, my heart is hurting lot and i dont know what to do..

[malign]

Do you want to be a "tool", Andrew?

It's up to you, really, and no one else.

Have you considered professional counseling? There's a lot more going on here than what happened with one girl. There's something that makes you believe this is what you deserve.

[andrew boren]

i want to be a tool, i want to be used, i want a pourpouse in life, i want a reason to be here, ur right something makes me feel this way, do you remember all the prior post i did? i cant talk to professional people, they have to much power and if i thought talking on here could get me in trouble i would still be shut up

[andrew boren]

i just dont know what to do, y cant i let go of sarah, y cant i be happy w/o her. what is going to happen to me if i dont let go. im really scared of the thoughts that run threw my head

[andrew boren]

i wanted to tell everyone thank you, and im sorry i wasted everyones time. you all are kind people and you try to help everyone you possibilly can, but sometimes their are people in this world who cant be saved, and im one of them. i have given up on this world, it can never be something good for me, i know im a failure and i wont take the easy way out, if im gonna kill myself it will not be quick and painless. im done running from death, im tired of trying to mean something. i dont care about anyone elses feelings, i have lost sight of myself. i know if you guys think about it, you will ask y am i even telling you this if i dont care, you guys tried to help me and if i was a normal person it would have probally saved me. i want to make sure no one gives up hope bc one could not be saved, i do care about others, i mean nothing so really my oppionion dont matter, but i wish the best for everyone else. take care guys

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi Andrew,

I wish you'd give life a bit more of a try, and I don't expect you to care about my feelings. You need to care about your feelings, though, and see that they can change. Maybe not now, maybe only in five years or ten, but they can change. Maybe in five days or ten minutes.

You mean we could have saved a normal suicidal person? Who would that be?

There is some links about suicidal feelings in the urgent need forum, I hope you'll take a look there. You could also try to write your feelings out more, that helps some people feel better. What do you want to mean?

Best wishes,

S.

[andrew boren]

Hi Andrew,

I wish you'd give life a bit more of a try, and I don't expect you to care about my feelings. You need to care about your feelings, though, and see that they can change. Maybe not now, maybe only in five years or ten, but they can change. Maybe in five days or ten minutes.

You mean we could have saved a normal suicidal person? Who would that be?

There is some links about suicidal feelings in the urgent need forum, I hope you'll take a look there. You could also try to write your feelings out more, that helps some people feel better. What do you want to mean?

Best wishes,

S.

im not normal, i have lived in pain for 8 years and have to be used in order to feel i matter at all, im screwed up, everyone told me suiside is a solution to a temporary problem, well just how long is temporary? 8 years is not temporary. i can not matter anymore. i can help so many people, but yet i mean nothing, i can give advice, but in the end, i cant use any of it..i am worthless, and im done changeing to be something im not, once trash always trash, you cant make a gourmet meal out of dog poo. i am what i am, a failure. i wasted a year and a half trying to mean something to one person, but i cant even do that, a year and a half of my life not even being told she loves me..i fought for nothing, i have nothing and theirfor i am nothing.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Yeah, see I don't like this phrase at all, because calling suicide a solution is a euphemism to me. It's not a solution to any sort of problem, what it is, is a stop. Suicide is just a stop to everything and it doesn't solve anything, if you ask me.

Now you have options and then you don't. Such is death.

You say you wasted a year and a half on a relationship, well, sorry to be a pain in the ass, but that isn't all that much compared to the years you'd waste by killing yourself. That would probably be about 50 or more.

Did you know they make gourmet coffee out of cat poo? I'm fairly certain that won't cheer you up now, but it just crossed my mind nonetheless.

Fighting so long for a relationship is hard and makes you feel worthless, but it doesn't change who you are or what you mean. You're Andrew and you want to feel like you matter to people, as far as I can see.

S.

[Cbarnes]

Hello Andrew, i feel for you, it must have been so hard and the poeple who dislike you for that are rotten and they are pointless to be honest, unlike you, im sure you are such a great person, i am not the best person to give you advice im only 16, but would it help to go for some therapy and talk bout it try to get yourself better and mayby find yourself and job or a good place of education and try to mkae new friends, we are here for you and im sure you will lead a great life although it might not seem it right now

All the best

Callum

[andrew boren]

someone asked me in a prior post, do i want to be a tool, i came to the conclushion i do..i know that is not right, but i want someone to need me to use me, i feel like i dont belong at all, so many guys treat girls like they dont matter, but i dont, im a good guy, but yet all the girls ever want are the bad asses, im always alone, and even when im dateing someone i still feel alone, only sarah has made me feel alive, like i mean something, and i have messed things up with her so much its pointless.

Cbarnes, i thank you for your input but i have already explained all that in the past 7 pages. im o.d.d., i cant open up to authority i can only open up to powerless people, that is y i feel im screwed, im in college but i see no point, im doing what i love but now i love nothing, i feel no joy, i feel dead already.

this is y i find death to be an option, if im dead i wont have to burdon sarah anymore, she can find some guy to use her and hopefully someday she will find someone who loves her almost as much as i do. if im dead no more pain, i will be free. death is a perminate solution to a temporary problem, but i dont agree to doing it. if i die i have chosen to go the hard way out, some painful way, no sissy takeing meds and feel no pain. i feel that i have to hurt, this is y i feel its worthless to give life a chance anymore, i cant be helped, not unless i was to be brainwashed

[58corvette]

Hello Andrew;

I just read many of the post from your situation over the last several months. I believe Linda giving you advice & Emergency Phone Numbers helped I hope?

I am 52yrs. old & was married to a Woman I loved very much for 23yrs. Although she put me through a lot of pain. I still have issues dealing with that loss & we have three children together; Ages 27yrs. & Twins 21yrs.

I know you are trying & seeking help in the only way you know how. That is also why I am here. I have to continue to believe I will find Love, Help & hope again. And Direction & Meaning to my Life.

Please continue to try as I must. I know to Love & Be Loved is so important. My own Sons are searching to. I know Me & their Mom's own situation & Divorce had a huge impact on them also. I wish i could give them answers for their own Pain & Lonliness; but I cant. Im still trying to find my own.

Best to you Andrew; Please keep trying.