Need advice

[Recluse]

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[IrmaJean]

Hi Recluse. It's great to hear that you want to take positive steps forward in your life. I'm not sure if I have any magical words of wisdom, but I think the best place to start would be by getting yourself out there. Put yourself in many different social situations with opportunities to meet others. Even if you don't meet someone right away you may become more comfortable interacting with others. One thing I've always noticed about you throughout your posts is how intelligent you are. I'm sure very many women out there will find your mind attractive. As you start conversing with people, try and just enjoy yourself. Think about the person you are with and put yourself in the moment.

I have to admit that it really burns me that so many women have treated you (and the other men on this board) poorly in the past. I still believe this reflects more about them than it does about you.

You mention feeling "inadequate". This a painful feeling and one that I have also felt many times. I am sorry that you have been feeling this way. What is it exactly that you think you are fearing? Maybe as you come to believe in yourself more, some of these fears will be replaced by more confidence. I hope you meet a caring woman who appreciates you for who you are, Recluse. Hopefully others will chime in here soon and offer their thoughts.

[Recluse]

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[Symora]

My feeling is that even if you don't work sex in right away, you'll have more fun in your life and that's always a good thing. There are so many things to do out there, nice people to meet, things to discover. As you do things you enjoy, you will meet people who enjoy the same things and who knows what can happen from there I'm so glad you are choosing to move beyond your comfort zone, since that is where growth happens!

[nearlydead]

Recluse, Im glad that you are looking for change. Asking for help is the first step in starting to put together a box full of tools with which to fight this thing, good for you, and welcome to the game.

I have some thoughts which might be helpful. But Im having a bad day today, so I will post better when my mood changes.

[Recluse]

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[nearlydead]

We have to be the best that we can be. Its not the cards that we are dealt but how we play them.

The practical changes are easy. get the best body you can have, wieghts, aerobics, diet, grooming, all help physically and help with depression, also keeps your social life alive. We haven't the best nail, but we can have the best hammer to knock it in with. There are loads of men out there with normal size who are not fit enough to fuck, or hiding inch's under their fat pad.

You've posted before about cannabis and porn. Cannabis is easy to give up, I smoked for 10 yrs or so, and managed to just give it up, then a year later stopped smoking altogether. Its a depressive, makes you paranoid. Poeple like us (Depressive's) cannot smoke, simple as that.

Porn: We need an outlet, so I would recommend that you only watch amatuer porn for more realistic portrayals of sex and size. If you are watching porn everytime you are "knocking one out" then you need to abstain from porn of all forms for at least a month or more.

Although all the above is helpful practicle stuff you can do immediately, the real game starts in the head, fighting the depression and the thinking that causes it. The tools for that are CBT, Hypnosis, Affermations, etc.

As for moving into the world of dating, its about removing pressures. Internet dating allows you to date outside of your social circle, town, away from your local bars, removing the fear of being humiliated in front of friends. The internet also allows you to build a relationship through the keyboard, then the phone, then a face to face meeting. Practice your craft, use your brains to chat up a lot of women online, then a lot of women on the phone, then date a few, but go no further, then kiss a few, then touch the bases as you chaps say, then nail one. the idea is break each phase down into smaller chunks.

I will face degrading comments and insults from a large portion if not most of the women

This is your depression talking, it is not fact. It is only what you think. You know I have had good expeirences with the majority of women, it was only a few that actually made a thing of size for me. I am smaller than you. from your posts its clear that girth is YOUR problem not length. I know for a fact recluse if you got yourself out there, took your time and fucked a girl who you liked and who liked you. You will be very pleasantly surprised. You would be very unkucky if your first one said anything to you. If your first one was through the internet, then the damage would be minimised. But remember you dont have to do anything until you are ready.

[Recluse]

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[nearlydead]

Give up the smoking in April, in the mean time maybe delay smoking untill the evening, and then only smoke for an event, like if your going to watch a dvd, or good tv program. Smoking just because its there is what robs you of motivation, and I bet is the primary cause of your procrastination, Smoking in the morning also means your not giving your brain anytime sober.

The trouble with porn is that the more you watch it, the more you get used to it, and it stops doing the job for you. Which is why you then start looking at different types of porn to get the same level of kick. If you dont stop now, I think it quite likely that in another month of so you will be beating yourself off to midget leather gay horse porn. At which point I will not answer any more of your posts.

As for 5 Hours, I doubt you need viagra or Cialis, but when the time comes use it anyway as a confidence booster, its another tool in the box right.

The internet dating is something you could start now, just register with one, create a profile, then just make a few attempts at chatting online, with no pressure to meet with anyone. If the ladies like your style and pressure you for a meet, just tell them youre to busy watching midget leather gay horse porn, this may put them of long enough for you to get more comfortable.

Its a great resource to have a few friends. Next to getting a job and some money, having friends is one of my biggest problems, what with my age group and the traditional British reserve it is near impossible to make friends, espeicially as I have no story to cover why I am such a loser. Friends give you social currency, girls like men to have a group of thier own friends. They also give you a social life outside of work, sex, women. Put a little effort into going out maybe once a week or two weeks.

I know I've posted this link before, but working on a bit of CBT will help with the depression. Start with policing your thoughts, just noticing the repetative things to say to yourself. For instance, in your posts you repeat alot the conviction that "girth is SO important" to women that they would not even entertain the idea of good sex with someone your size. That thought of yours is wrong, its not that black and white, there is a grey area inbetween. I have also read the stuff that of the women who do express an interest in size they say girth is more important than lenght, and I think you have got hung up on this. where you include ALL women in this group, instead of thinking its just SOME of this group.

Check out this link, pick one of the modules and WORK it through, its no good just reading it, this stuf requires action. If you dont understand it, dont just dismiss it, just work it through and sit with it, not all of it will sink in, but some will.

Clic this link, then clic the link under the picture to get to the modules, give it a go Recluse, sorting out the depression is a major part of beating this thing.

http://www.livinglifetothefull.com/ then clic "inttroduction module"

[Recluse]

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[nearlydead]

Thank you for the advice, I am going to start following the majority of it. I am at a point where I have no choice but to move on. Unfortunately for me, life is interconnected so if one part is fucked, the other areas suffer as a result. I always wished I could have lived with this situation and avoid it and work on other areas but those areas have been suffering as a result of this for years now.

This is a mistake that most of us have made here. We have all been so consumed by the problem of "small" that we all have allowed it to affect the other important areas of life negatively, creating more problems that need attention before we can really get to grips with the real underlying cause of all our problems, which is how we handle being small.

My goal is to work on the easy areas of change (getting fit, getting work, etc etc) while learning about the stuff like CBT to tackle the change I need to make on my world view. Again I cannot emphasise enough the importance of checking out this site, it has helped me enormously.

http://www.livinglifetothefull.com/

[Recluse]

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[nearlydead]

I've found that during and after excercise I feel better, one because the bloods pumping, two because I've actually accomplished something and three Im starting to lose some wieght. So yes I agree excercise is an easy benefit to access.

The factory thing is still ongoing, Im in there again on Monday and thursday, no paid casual work as yet. They are still tallking about the new machine which seems like it will happen around sept/ oct time. Just got to survive untill then. Im still sending of my resume to everything possible as money is a serious issue for me at the moment. I sent you a PM Rec.

[IrmaJean]

ND, you put new meaning to the words self-help. Sometimes it's easy to underestimate ourselves, but look at what you have been capable of in order to make proactive changes in your life. It's great to see you two supporting one another. Online friends can be nice to have. And Recluse, I'm very happy to hear that you are also trying to make positive changes in your life. I hope things continue to improve for both of you.

[Recluse]

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[Recluse]

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[nearlydead]

Rec, I dont know if they have public librarys in the US. But if you can, I recommend you get hold of a copy of "The Feeling Good Handbook" by Dr David Burns. Its a major best seller in the self help market. The whole book is a very readable guide to CBT with practical excercises to complete.

I've read it and re-read it quite alot, some of it went straight over my head, and some of it I just dismissed, but its full of usefull stuff, regarding depression and how to use CBT to help with the common mistakes in thinking that are common to all depressed thinking. It puts "labels" to the type's of thoughts we have, and then tells us how to change those thoughts.

This is how posting on this forum has helped me. Reading the posts by yourself, LL and re-reading my own posts, I started to notice we all are guilty of the same types of thoughts. Then by posting answers to both you and LL, I have in fact been talking back to my own thoughts.

This is what the Burns book is all about. 1. Recognising and labelling your thoughts, then 2. talking back to those thoughts in a more rational and positive manner.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Feeling-Handbook-Plume-David-Burns/dp/0452281326

Read the customer reviews, its well worth the money if you cant get it from the library. This may also help you LL.

[Recluse]

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[Guest ASchwartz]

Hey, Nearlydead,

Yeah, I think I have heard of libraries in the U.S.

Sorry, couldn't help but kid you about that one.

Allan:D

[nearlydead]

the inevitable fear and rejection.

I will face degrading comments and insults from a large portion if not most of the women

You post a lot of stuff like this. I bet you dont even realise you're doing it. Saying these types of thoughts over and over to yourself, just reinforces your negative outlook on size, and also because your thinking this stuff, it stops you from looking at size in a more realistic or helpful manner. We need to re-examine these automatic thoughts and see if they are really true.

Burn's will teach you, first to notice these automatic thoughts, then to spot the wrongs in those thoughts. Then how to re-frame those thoughts with a new thought that is more realistic/helpful/not so harsh etc.

I am just as guilty as you with regards to letting myself think these type of negative thoughts. But spotting the mistakes of "generalising/predicting/catastophising/ etc in my thoughts and then thinking about things with out the generalistions has really helped me.

I've had 30 years of thinking in a totally distructive manner, which has totally coloured my world view. Spotting and then talking back to these thoughts is a battle we have to fight, thought by thought, minute by minute, day by day. Its hard work and it beats me more often than I win. But it is getting better slowly. Google "reframing thoughts" there is loads of stuff that explains it in plain english.

[Recluse]

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[nearlydead]

Being mindfull is exactly what CBT is all about. That site and the Burns book is probably the easiest way to get your head around the basics.

I know what you mean about the tape going around and around. This is one of my favourite games as well. I have 5 or 6 favourite tirades that I moan about, which can go on for hours. I know when I start thinking like this, I am driving myself into a deep depression. This is why I think there is an element of masochism in my depression.

Same thing with some of the choices I make, I know they are bad decissions, but I still go ahead with them anyway. Its a sort of sabotage.

Anyway, back in the factory tomorrow, negative thoughts creeping in, "back to the factory floor" "I wasnt happy when I was working, it'll be no different again" etc etc. These thoughts rob me of motivation and optimism. I have to stop them and replace them with the benefits of working again.

another fight today.

[Recluse]

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[nearlydead]

Its a vicious circle, we hate ourselves for being small, which leads to depression, which leads to inactivity or setting goals and then missing them, which leads to more depression and more self hate. Burns talks about this circle, and how to break it.

As a silly example, I plan to clean all the glass in my apartment (TV, computer, windows, mirrors etc) I know that once I do it, I feel better because my apartment is clean, and it only takes 15 minutes to do the whole lot. Yet I can think about doing it for days and days and still not do it. I am a master of procrastination.

Burns says that motivation comes from action. ie I will never "feel" like doing a task, or starting a task. But once started it becomes easy. So the only way to beat procrastination is "Think of what you want to do, and then do it immediately. This way you only think about the task once, you do it, then praise yourself for completeing it, then repeat, and so on.

It sounds stupid as piss, but it works, I get things done, I feel good for doing whatever the task, and I benefit from whatever it is I've done. Try it.

The thing is, if youre making lists, dont beat yourself up, if you dont accomplish everything, because you end up doing nothing. Its about time we started treating ourselves a bit better. Good luck with your changes.

[Recluse]

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