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need a little courage


danni
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Hi everyone...

So I'm sitting here at the barn taking a break from chores. My horse is watching me through the window. (he's a little irritated because he thinks he should be getting attention at all times!)

It's so peaceful here and a great place to try and think.

So....here's the deal....about 2 months ago I had surgery to repair some stomach ulcers. Of course, I scheduled and cancelled it a few times before I actually went through with it. They biopsied the ulcers at that time and it came back "suspicious." They wanted to redo it. Well.....I've scheduled and cancelled it twice already and it's supposed to be coming up this coming wednesday. I know I should go through with it but I am soooooooooooo scared. Not just of what I might find out but I am not fond of doctors or hospitals. Especially, the thought of anesthesia again is freaking me out. I can't stand giving up that much control. I have huge trust issues to begin with much less being in a situation where I have no control......

I've been trying to just swallow the fear and panic but it's turning out to be too hard. It's hard to be alone when you're scared :)

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Hey danni,

Im sorry that you have to undergo this procedure. I hope that you find the courage to go through with it. Im sure that you will, your stronger than you think.

I know how scarey it can be when they put you under anesthesia. I usually end up in tears, right up to the last minute. Im not really all that brave when it comes to things like that.

What I normally do, when I need to find that little bit of courage, and inner strength, is try and think about the things I have overcome, and try say to myself, well I got throough that, this is a walk in the park by comparism, so I can and will be able to do this too.

Ok granted, it still dosnt overcome my fear completely, but it does give me enough courage and determination, to get myself to the appointment, and able me to let them do the procedure neccesary, even if I am some what tearful.

Maybe you could take something with you that you find comforting, I usually take gertie with me (my teddy giraffe) aand shes there when I come round. it probably sounds daft, but it helps me.

Good luck hun, and I wish you lots of courage and inner strength ;)

take care.

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Hi Danni,

I do understand, and I'm not just saying it. Surgery, without being awake, is frightful. With those tests that they have tried to put me to sleep, I was awake and looking at everything the doctor saw and asking questions, but not feeling the pain (colonscospies). And the time a dentist was not supposed to put me to sleep, he did and I did not like the teeth that he put in my mouth. I was angry and told him so. Later, for another reason, his license was taken away. But anyway, I did have breast surgery one time, and everything turned out ok. I was really scared then too before the surgery. I told him about my fears and told him to be extra careful, that went for the anesthesiologist too, who my daughter ate lunch with, while they were finishing up.

I said all of this to say that I will pray and you pray too. You prayer will be answered, if not for any reason other than your horse needs you.

Prayful blessings to you.

and I do understand your fear, it is so real.;)

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Hi Danni,

I'm new to this forum, and only somewhat familiar with health care but could there be a mental health advocate available to be support for you at the clinic or hospital? Or at a nearby mental health facility?

I apologize if I've jumped in where maybe I shouldn't, just having had past procedures, my heart's right there with you.

katleen

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If it helps: bravery isn't a lack of fear, it is feeling the fear but doing it anyway...

I put off dentist's appointments. Oh man. What I did once was this. Draw a line vertically in the middle of a piece of paper. Leaving your feelings out of this, on the left, list all the reasons why it's a good idea to have the surgery and what the benefits will be. On the other side list all the reasons why you should not have the surgery, what will happen if you just leave it. This clarifies my thoughts and gives me some motivation to keep WHY I'm going to the %$ appointment right at the front of my head.

Good luck.

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Hi danni,

I understand the fear of going under ansethesia. It is scary no matter what . Last time I was in the hospital I had 3surgries , & that was in Nov, Dec last yr .

Tell yourself that things are going to be ok, and that these are professionals who know what they are doing and will take care of you.

It is very important to have this done so their can be made a medical diagnoses and so you can be treated propperly. I want you to feel better and not be in so much pain and suffering.

Once you are asleep , it will be all over very quickly . Thats the one thing about having surgery .... I find it over rahter quickly , and lose sense of time. It is no picnic , however, it is important to realise this is your health at stake, and must be done.

I am sorry you have to even go through it, because it does suck, even though it is important.

You will be well taken care of. I wish you well, and hope things go for the best for you .

Cathy

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First, let me say it's completely understandable to be afraid. I don't have to remind you of why, I'm sure your quite aware. I think when it comes to our health, and somebody cutting us open there's a natural instinct to be afraid. And this fear can lead to many avoidant actions, such as refusing to talk about something, canceling appointments, to eventually ignoring the problem.

Fear is far too often the most difficult trial to overcome. Understandable so because it is a trial we make ourselves. And urge you to understand that, that this fear is something that we create ourselves. I'm not saying understanding this makes it less scary, but it does make it easier to make the correct decision. And it seems you already know what that is.

My personal advice is to find a joke, no matter how inappropriate that makes the situation a little easier. For example I am acrophobic. I have deathly fear of height, but my job requires me to sometimes be at uncomfortable heights at times. So I say to myself that it's not the fall that's going to kill me, it's the sudden stop on the way down. This calms me for some reason, to apply humor to a scary situation. I know they're not the same, but the advice may work for you as well.

In the end fear can be overwhelming, and far too often lead to bad decision making. The trick is not to quell the fear, but in some way walk through it. I know, easier said than done. But I never pretended it would be easy. Because far to often the easy road, is the road that leads to less success.

I hope I've been of help.

- Anonymous.

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Hi Danni

I feel for you! And want to offer my support and I say that you are in my thoughts.

A long time ago, when I was 20 :o I was terrified at the idea of going back to the doctor to get some test results, I canceled and recanceled all the time. I was in serious agony over this, so much so that I started having terrible pain in my stomach for 2 months. The kind were I couldn't eat and drink normally for fear of getting terrible cramps...

Anyway, I finally broke out in tear to a close friend who expressed to me that they were extremely worried about me, seeing me with this constant sad silent face. They immediately suggested to go with me to the doctor, which I resisted for a few days, and then finally agreed. She weighted the pros and cons with me for these few days, helping me taking a decision that would be right for me. She was mirroring my fears and concerns, I guess, just as a therapist would have done [i am still thankful for her gentleness, kindness and wisdom in this] to come to a rational and healthy conclusion. Together we examined [as calmly as possible]:

- what could happen if I don't go

- what could happen if I go

- what is the worst possible outcome and how can I prepare and take healthy actions if it does turn out to be the result I don't want

- what is the most probable outcome

And finally, what can I do right now to lower my level of anxiety, manage my fear, and cope

After I took the descision to go, She held my hand in the waiting room and came with me to hear the results.

It was a great relief for me, regardless of the results that we did these exercises together and that she came with me.

So, I agree greatly with the suggestion of taking someone with you who you trust.

I would also suggest discussing these fears and thoughts about going/not going here with us if you want.

Take care, and please feel free to post your thoughts regarding this.

T

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Hi...

Thanks everyone for all your support.... I seriously considered going through with it this time but..... I couldn't do it....I cancelled the appointment. I don't think I'm rescheduling this time..... I'm done. This isn't worth it. I'm not worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really appreciate the friendship extended here on the boards. It has meant a lot to me throughout the months.

Danni

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Danni, Is it possible to call them back and simply explain how terrifying this is to you, or to have someone else make that call. What about a support person? is there someone else who can go with you? you are worth it. If you can't do this for yourself, think of the clients you work with. How would you help them face a problem like this.

Do this for yourself!!!!

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danni, is it possible that saying you're "not worth it" is something you feel you have to do to cope?

Instead of being so driven to cope or deal or "take care of things" in the face of this terrible pain....can you lean on love a little more? I know you don't feel worth it. You hurt so much. danni how can we help this vigilant part of you rest and receive care?

When I got in touch with the "marine" side of me and finally acknowledged how exhausted and hopeless she was with her burdens... how at the very end of her line she was, my therapist helped me find spiritual guidance to create a path to what she needed. I am not trying to preach. I am only saying there has got to be a way for your exhausted coper to find rest and a new hope....

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Hi...

Thanks everyone for all your support.... I seriously considered going through with it this time but..... I couldn't do it....I cancelled the appointment. I don't think I'm rescheduling this time..... I'm done. This isn't worth it. I'm not worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really appreciate the friendship extended here on the boards. It has meant a lot to me throughout the months.

Danni

Danni ,

this is worth it , you are worth it ! I am so sorry that fear is getting in the way of doing what is best for you and your health . Please reconsider . It is mor escarier to think what could happen if you allow your health to go further downhill , without knowing that you are ok .

Are you in therapy? Can you talk to a close friend or family member about these feelings and have them go with you ? What does your DR. say about you not following up with this procedure? What impact does this have on your health?

These are some of the things I think you need to ask yourself . Again , you are worth it .

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What would I say to one of my clients? Well....that's different.... My clients are awesome. They are inspirational and amazing human beings who have very challenging things to deal with it and need some help to do that.

that is different from who I am. I can say right now that I don't care if I die. I've come to peace with that. I'm not actively trying to die but some of my reckless behavior could bring it about sooner rather than later.

Feeling worthless isn't a new thing for me. I've never felt otherwise. It's not about what I know or see about my self. Many of the things I do or have done have worth but that doesn't mean that I personally have value. I was reading a book last weekend that had a section that may have brought me to the point of feeling done. It talked about CSA in relation to the age it occured and how traumatizing the events were. The gist of it that I took away from it is that because I was so young when it occured, the other situations surrounding it, and what I missed/life experiences I didn't get to have because of it, that value may never be found. It's too late to make up for it now. It's not what I've believed and how I've treated my clients as a therapist but, then again, I don't have PHD behind my name.....only MS.

Besides....I have a REALLY high pain tolerance. I can just suck it up. :)

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Well, jeez, letters after your name only indicate how long you spent in school, not whether you have a clue, or a soul.

To me, you're an amazing and inspirational person with some very challenging things to deal with.

I'm having a hard time imagining someone writing that any human being has no chance, and an even harder time imagining not tossing the book if I found one.

You have to realize that your otherwise considerable critical talents are flawed in this particular area: you are pre-wired to believe bad things about yourself. But take it from me, the idea that you're hopeless is, well, the largest crock of ... horse manure, which is better fertilizer than bullshit ... that I've heard in quite some time.

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Hey danni

Just wondering how you are.?

Im sorry you couldnt go through with your appointment. you are worth it hun, its just when were low it clouds our judgement of ourself, and everything bad that weve ever called ourself or been called out of spite comes back to haunt and for some unknown reason we believe ourself. Completely shutting out any of the possitive stuff, coz when you find that low place its imposible to believe anything good. OK. think Im rambling the now. But well Im hoping that one day you will see what all of us here can see about you, that you are worth it, and maybe you will reconsider rescheduling ?

Anyway, hope you feel better soon

take care

sue

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