What do you think do I have?

[FallingUp]

I will try to describe my life in a short but accurate way.

My parents divorced when I was two years old, and my father disowned me at the age of 9 because I refused to take his hand while crossing a street one day (I was mad because he made me carry the heavy bag). My sister has impaired hearing, and my mom basically depends on me to be the backbone of the family.

Till I finish high school, I am nothing but the perfect student. I lived for the sake of getting A's. And I was proud of my achievements. Then my mother decided that I should go abroad to study chemistry, and I did that.

7 years later, here and now, I am trying to convince myself I haven't gone crazy yet.

I have hard times studying such a painful subject in a foreign language, firstly. A fact that my mother refused to believe. I also have hard times living alone, having to take care of myself since I was 17. At which no one seems to take notice as well.

The main reason why suddenly my days seem to fill with darkness is because of the pressure my mother put on me. She wants me to finally get it over with the master program, which I yearn to finish as well. I finally made it to the exams, so I only have to learn for the exams now, plus working to earn money. Still, with every single day passing I find myself less and less motivated to open the books and study. Every week I call my mother and we talk about the future. What will we do, will I get a job, will we die poor and hungry...?

I also find myself quickly irritated these days. Oh I don't throw tantrums. I just cry like a baby. A lot of times. For example today. During the work I made a small mistake by putting the cash box on the table as I was putting money inside it, which allowed some people to see it. My boss was infuriated and he said "You nearly get your master degree and yet you don't have enough life experience."

That line hurt me so much I cried all the way back home.

You see, I don't understand that. I don't understand why it hurt me so much. Was my boss being mean or was I being the whiny person who can't stand critics?

I would like to relate it with an internship experience of mine when I got bullied that I had to quit. During the hard times all my mother did was everything else but supporting me. She kept saying that I couldn't take hardships, like my dad. That I wasn't as good as her, etc. When I first told her that I would like to quit the internship, she was really objected. The reason was trivial... she thought that the money was worth all the bullies... Mind you, I was paid 3€ every hour, and I had to work 40 hours a week. Plus all the mental tortures.

I cry a lot these days, especially during nights. And then I will fall to a state where I start to regret the day I am born, getting angry at God for bringing my parents together, or for messing with my life this badly. It continues to the point where I can only think about death. At first it was only a fleeting thought. Bit by bit it actually turns to me imagining suicidal acts, and dreaming about my death. And now I am really scared that one day I would just throw myself in front of a car out of an impulse.

I want to get some help but I don't know where to go, and I am afraid that the psychiatrists would judge me. That would only hurt me further and that's really the last thing I want.

If possible, I want to try to cure myself. For that, of course, I need to know what's wrong with me?

Am I just being whiny? Is this part of growing up? Are these pains necessary for me to be strong? Is it normal to be so sad and instable around my age, as a university student?

Or am I living an abnormal life and desperately needing professional help? I would appreciate any input. Thanks.

[musemuse]

Hi FallingUp,

I want to get some help but I don't know where to go, and I am afraid that the psychiatrists would judge me. That would only hurt me further and that's really the last thing I want.

searching the internet directory(looking under psychotherapist/psychologist/, in your area would be some place to look, also. Just look under doctor's in your city directory, then confine it to your area.

There is certainly help out there. And probably here, someone can help.

I suffer with depression and I'm just trying to say that sometimes one on one is good to get you going and find out what exactly the problem is. I'm not pushing you away from here in any way, though. I just don't want you to get worse. I can feel the urgency in your note.

blessings

[Sherzade]

"I need to know what's wrong with me?

Am I just being whiny? Is this part of growing up? Are these pains necessary for me to be strong? Is it normal to be so sad and instable around my age, as a university student?"

Hello FallingUp,

In my opnion i don't think that you are being whiny at all. It seems to me that you have some work to do to get control over your own life and also over the preconceptions that some members of you family have/had about you. These preconceptions, or more rigorously projections, may be influencing you in a very negative way, stopping you from developing aspects of your personality that will help you cope with the events of your life.

A psychiatry, psychologist or psychotherapist will not judge you. A psychotherapist and some psychologists may help you reflecting on the dynamics of your family, what's your role in it and how it has influenced you. A psychiatrist will probably prescribe some antidepressives so you can cope better in your daily life.

I wish you look for help and find someone that suits your needs.

[FallingUp]

Thank you very much, you two. I will try seeking a therapist... I hope I won't be disappointed.