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Schillaci's sobriety thread


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Hi everyone,

I thought I'd reserve this little corner of the forum for me to talk about me facing sobriety. It's been a while since I've actually managed to stay sober during winter time. Perhaps it will help if I have a little public diary online.

During spring or summer I always carry a personal little pocket diary. Whenever I want to order my thoughts, I grab a pencil and retreat into nature. There's a pretty big neglected garden out here, so that's pretty convenient. But at this time of the year the garden is pretty much dead and cold and my ritual just doesn't work. I can exercise beforehand to get the warm blood flowing, but I cool off too soon to be able to get the job done.

This might not seem a big deal, but me being able to write in that diary while being in the open has been the single biggest force that has pulled through this study, and helped me keep my drug use at acceptable levels. So it's pivotal that I find a winter variant of my ritual. Of course, this forum won't be the same. In my diary I write uninhibited, I can't do that here. First of all because I do want to maintain a degree of anonymity, for obvious reasons. And secondly because I automatically want to present my thoughts in a cogent manner so that others can understand them. Thirdly because I fear judgment. :o I know I can be very cruel or insensitive or plain loony at times, and I'd hate having people call me on that. And me and my analytical rants might not exactly be the most entertaining stuff to read.

Those were the disadvantages. I listed them, I'm done with those. The fact others can read what I write can turn into an advantage, of course. I'm not gonna create concrete expectations about those, I'm just gonna let them happen. :)

That's about it for a first entry. See you soon!

Much love,

Schillaci

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It just occurred to me that I should write the following statement down.

Before I give up on sobriety and indulge in whatever substance is available, I promise to myself to write in this thread first. I'm not saying I can't purchase drugs anymore, but if I do so, it will be after "consulting myself", to be sure I'm not harming my other interests by launching myself into psychedelic space again.

Life gets ridiculous sometimes when you play your own therapist, I know. :(

Another promise I have to make to myself, is that I'm gonna start working out today again. I've lost touch with my body after my effexor treatment, and I haven't spontaneously worked out the whole winter period. I have to change that, I have to get that pleasure back again. So before this day ends, I promise to myself to at least have worked out for 30 minutes. The results will be disappointing after having been a computer vegetable for so long, but I'm sure the endorphin head rush will make me forget about that. Focus on that pleasure!

Much love, (gotta give myself some love as well!)

Schillaci

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Thanks! You're all very nice. :(

I just did the workout. I wasn't that weakened as I thought I'd be, though my mind drifted away a few times. I guess it's normal, it's what I've been telling my mind to do through chemical messages. I expect this to get better very soon.

I've been reading a workout book to get in the mood. One thing the author said was how pivotal written long term goals are to actually stay committed to something that requires hard work. And of course that's very true. But it's also my favorite way of self-sabotage. I didn't even have long term goals for my study, can you imagine?! I basically just read the books, somehow.

Yesterday I lurked a pedophile discussion board again. I saw someone expressing the concern that it was actually his problem that he was able to achieve long term goals, because that's what makes him want to have more! It reminded me to why I feel so safe self-sabotaging myself. *sigh* Oh well, better not to think those thoughts right now. Though they do sadden me. A lot.

See, this is how I manage to ruin constructive moods. There is no emoticon for how this makes me feel.

Much love,

Schillaci

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Had a tough two hours. Seething emotional pain poking at my consciousness. Luckily it stopped raining, so I could go run it off. It's so important to keep tearing at those muscles! It's a bit of a catch-22 though, because less depression means a less suppressed sex drive, meaning more confrontation with that mess deep down there... But at least it keeps my heart beating. Even after just two days of exercise I don't have those chest pains anymore. They were probably symptoms of depression after all.

I've arranged some projects to work on, to keep my mind off all the misery. They should be fun and challenging. Doing my regular study work is a goal too high at the moment. Nothing feels more like a waste of my potential like writing reports. Indeed, just when you think you've gone through the very worst in life after contracting pedophilia, the universe makes you write psychological reports. :mad:

;)

Much love,

Schillaci

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Someone dropped by, and we had a glass of wine. It's important to stay focused now, alcohol makes it hard to keep denying myself pleasure. Not that I can obtain drugs at this hour, but an evening of craving can kill my sleep and tomorrow's willpower. I have to work out right now so I minimize the risk of feeling unhappy.

An old friend called me earlier today, and he wants to head out for a drink with me tomorrow... the couple of social situations I experience in a month are almost always linked with alcohol. On one hand I want to loosen up as much as possible to get the most out of the sparse social contact I get. On the other hand I want to keep my mood stable, which alcohol tends to counteract. It's quite the dilemma...

I guess I should read into this that I need more social contact, so I can learn to enjoy it again without altering my consciousness. What a terrible thought. ;)

Much love,

Schillaci

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Went for a walk instead. I feel recovered, I think I'm safe for today.

I don't know how I'll make it tomorrow, though. If I'm drinking a glass of wine before I realize it in my own home, how the hell will I be able to stay sober in a pub, in the company of someone with whom I always drink? And I can't imagine acting like a pleasant human being without having some social lubricant in my body. So I'm not even sure I really want to stay sober. If I'm going to just be my cold, harsh, unpleasant self, I could as well cancel the meeting for both our sakes. But I feel pathetic even considering avoiding the social challenge.

I can't really imagine a scenario with a happy ending here. Perhaps a good time for some input?

Much love,

Schillaci

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Schillaci,

Glad to hear you're doing well. I can tell that you're really facing some challenges here, but I'm glad that you're facing them head on. :) If you don't like the fact that you have to drink in order to have a good time, then don't drink. I know that sounds absurdly obvious but it can be a lot harder than it sounds. With my own alcohol problems, I tend to try to avoid the types of situation that you're currently facing. Not necessarily deciding "do I drink, or do I not hang out," but more of deciding with whom and where should I spend my time. Maybe it's time to meet new people, or even letting your old friends know the challenges that you're dealing with at the moment. You don't have to go into detail; just simply suggest other atmospheres: go to a movie; go to dinner (& get some tea or water!); go to an art museum, seeing as you're into art. Find something that you enjoy doing, so that conversations will flow and perhaps you don't have to worry so much about seeming cold, harsh, and unpleasant. Keeping yourself safe and sober is your number one priority right now. And there is always some middle ground. :) I hope that helps. Take care, and I'm very proud of you!

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