Small Penis - One Man's Pain

[EricDavis2]

I have a small penis - 3 in. erect (practically unnoticable when soft), roughly half the size of an average male. It's not a micropenis (I can just imagine how mentally destroyed those poor guys are). The pain, anxiety, depression, and hopelessness of it all has destroyed most of my life. My case is probably more pathetic than most that have posted here.

I am 54 years old; never married, no kids. Why is that? It's because of my embarrassment and shame of my penis size has prevented me from having the confidence to date women. I've had only 3 women in my life (about 1 every 10 years since I've been out of school). I love sports, but would never play because I know how ashamed I felt in the locker room at gym class (didn't dare let anyone see me naked, always covered myself with a towel and avoided the shower with my classmates). Never dated, no prom, basically so shy I almost never talked to girls in my class.

My first girlfriend (when I was in my 30's - how pathetic, huh?) was, believe it or not a virgin! A sweet girl who was younger than me. She and I never had sex of any kind other than me touching her breasts and french-kissing (she never fondled me). Then came the most devastating moment of my life (and hers).

After many times flirting by saying we should go to a motel, she finally decided she would give herself to me. We went in, closed the drapes, and she got on the bed. But the combination of my total lack of experience, no experience of hers, never having had sex with a virgin, and the fact I was finally having sex with a woman who was not a hooker, I couldn't get it up! She was so distraught, she thought it was because I didn't find her attractive - definately NOT the case (she just didn't understand what happened). I took her home - she was crying and I was so sorry! I tried to talk to her and get her back, but she would have no part of me. Of course.

I have never, ever forgiven myself for that fateful day. I loved her so much and my fears hurt her so badly I couldn't stand it. A good 10 years or so later (in my 40's), I met my 2nd girlfriend. Guess what happened when I went to have sex with her - yup, I couldn't perform - AGAIN! Thankfully she was more mature and experienced she shook it off and we just talked and cuddled. I am forever grateful to her for that night, it still brings tears to my eyes. I did end up having intercourse with her after that (although I don't think I was very good at it), and she liked to please me orally, so that worked for me.

Now I'm in my 50's and have been dating someone a few times. But even though I've laid on her bed watching TV with her, I can't get the nerve to make a move sexually. I am so ashamed with my lack of size, so terrified to have sex with a woman that has had many boyfriends) and am so afraid that she'll be very disappointed when she sees what little I have. I have been depressed, lonely, and afraid for most of my adult life. And I am so afraid that history will repeat itself again with this girl, I can't stand it.

One more thing: in my entire life I have never gotten a girlfriend on my own. Two of the three were set up for me by people I knew, and the other - the mature one - actually asked ME out! I was so amazed, I turned her down! What a loser! She called me again the next day and this time I was ready to say yes.

Sorry for the long post. I'm a good guy, and I feel I deserve happiness. But my fears, inexperience, and shame stops me in my tracks, and I'm afraid I'll never get over that horrible, horrible day. Not to mention the fact that I'm in my 50's and still having this problem. Don't give me advice to be myself - being myself has led me down this road. I'm a nice guy - but it's not nearly enough! Please help me!

[IrmaJean]

Hello Eric and welcome to the boards. I'm sorry that you have experienced so many difficult feelings around this. I agree that you deserve happiness. Being a nice guy is wonderful.

I know that it can be difficult letting go of the past, but perhaps the time has come for you to forgive anything that may have happened 20 years ago. There is no point in letting the events of one night hold you back now, right?

If your new girlfriend loves you and cares about you, I would be willing to bet that she will appreciate all aspects of you, including your penis. It's a part of you and all parts are something to cherish. For me, the sharing is what makes sex so special. The revelations of sharing and the willingness to share is truly a gift. Maybe while you are with your new girlfriend try and focus on her. Think about how you love being with her without considering sexual relations as a performance type of thing. As a woman, I enjoy the shared closeness and intimacy the very most. Anything else is gravy.

I hope you feel better very soon, Eric.

[shye1]

Hey eric, the way our society comes across, I think it would be difficult for a guy to accept having a smaller part. But u sound like a really nice guy, very caring and understanding of other peoples needs. To the point where I think you might prioritise other peoples needs over your own. I totally relate to that and feel your pain. My concerns for other peoples needs and desires have also held me back with relationships. I find myself totally absorbed in what the other person might want and always feel like I will fall short of that. But we cant do that. Instead, maybe try to think more about what you want from another person in a relationship. What can they do for you? What do you desire? What things do you like in your partner? These are the things you can control. I know its easier said than done, and I am still learning this myself but you've just got to put yourself out there and if someone rejects you, they're just not the right one for you and its their loss. I guarantee you, not all women need or even like a big guy. Infact most girls I know dont want a guy bigger than the average size which is what 5-6 inches? Its like irmajean said, theres so much more to sex than just the size. Did u know a lot of women dont even orgasm from sex alone? There are sooo many more things you can do to please your woman. I have a feeling you would be good at that, being that you're very much concerned with pleasing her. Thats a good thing! But dont let it hold you back. Remember, we're all dealt certain cards in life but its our choice to flip them and make them work for us. Having a smaller penis is a good excuse to get creative in the bedroom.

[08hduc]

I to am a small guy. How small does not matter since this is your posting, but none the less a small guy. It bothered me as a young guy growing up especially in locker rooms and boot camp. But luckily for me I met an older gal, her late 50's me late teens, who showed me how to properly pleasure a woman with out imitating an oil field pump (you know: up down, in out, cachuga cachuga cachuga) and that experience gave me the will power and confidence to never be a shy guy in the bedroom.

I have been married 23+ years and have produced 2 kids, so at the basic level my penis did its job. But at the pleasure level I use other body parts to send her into orgasmic bliss. Not to be too graphic, but my motto is: "what you lack in the dick department make up for in the lick department".

And don't get me wrong, my wife is not one of those gals who does not know I am on the small side. She is a nurse and has seen them in all shapes and sizes. I guess because our relationship did not start out as a sexual bond it does not last because of a sexual bond.

Best of luck with your issues. There are so many gals out there wanting a good guy regardless of size, just keep trying and you will find one.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi EricDavis,

Welcome to our community. I hope the support and warmth you find here will help you with your problems and I hope you can be helpful to others here.

You are really describing two separate problems: Impedence (not getting an erection when needed) and having a small penis.

In many ways, the impedence problem has plagued you more than anything. The question is, why are you having this problem with an erection? You seem ot imply that if you go to a prostitute you have no erectile problem. But, with a woman you like you have difficulty. That points to psychological rather than physical problems causing you erectile problems unless my assumption is wrong about prostitutes.

If the erectile problem is always present then the issue points to something physical being the problem. You need to see your physician and talk about it and undergo various tests. Hormone levels, etc. can contribute to erectile issues.

However, if you do perform with prostitutes then we are talking about psychology: performance anxiety, feelings of self doubt, low self esteem, etc.

As the other community members pointed out, there is no reason why you should not have a full sexual life despite size issues.

Also, it is never too late to get help and start to live.

Allan

[EricDavis2]

Thank you for those kind and encouraging words. The outpouring of support just one day after posting is amazing. You're right that I have to let go of the past - I beat myself up mentally every day, and I've got to try to stop that. Hearing a woman's point of view helps. It's just that when you've had so few opportunities as I have had, and am as shy as I am, I don't know if I can take it if I fail again. But I'll try and remember your words and think about how to apply them. Thanks again.

[Recluse]

I too have a similar problem to you. I went on a date 5 years ago when I was 21, and I could not get it up because of my size fears. you implied that you have seen hookers. I too have done this and had no problems getting it up with them because nothing was expected of me beyond the money and I knew they were probably happy that I was small because of less wear and tear. I am at a place where I have no choice but to try and date because my mental health is fucked. My plan is to get some viagra or cialis or some shit like that and take it before I know I am going to go on a date to deal with the e.d. Now from what I gathered from your post, you can function normally, just not with girlfriends or dating. Is this true?

[EricDavis2]

Let me address my experience with prostitutes. Believe me, I'm not proud that I've had to have sex with prostitutes. It's mainly for physical release and the chance to touch a woman sexually - it's not at all mentally or emotionally rewarding, because when it's over, you're still left with the feeling of loneliness. The reality sets in that you're not man enough to have a real sexual experience without paying for it.

You're correct that my problem is more mostly mental. The main difference for me being with a prostitute is that I can ignore the fact that I am small since she has to have sex with me cause I'm paying her. And I don't have to deal with the performance issue since I usually only want oral sex and can lay back and let her do all the work. Sad, but true.

I am very ashamed to take my clothes off for a girlfriend because of my small penis size, and the stress and embarrassment that I feel affects me so badly mentally that I cannot perform. As much as I want to have a real sexual experience with a woman I care for, I avoid even trying to meet someone. I'm afraid of the embarrassment for me, and the disappointment the woman would feel.

Hi EricDavis,

Welcome to our community. I hope the support and warmth you find here will help you with your problems and I hope you can be helpful to others here.

You are really describing two separate problems: Impedence (not getting an erection when needed) and having a small penis.

In many ways, the impedence problem has plagued you more than anything. The question is, why are you having this problem with an erection? You seem ot imply that if you go to a prostitute you have no erectile problem. But, with a woman you like you have difficulty. That points to psychological rather than physical problems causing you erectile problems unless my assumption is wrong about prostitutes.

If the erectile problem is always present then the issue points to something physical being the problem. You need to see your physician and talk about it and undergo various tests. Hormone levels, etc. can contribute to erectile issues.

However, if you do perform with prostitutes then we are talking about psychology: performance anxiety, feelings of self doubt, low self esteem, etc.

As the other community members pointed out, there is no reason why you should not have a full sexual life despite size issues.

Also, it is never too late to get help and start to live.

Allan

[EricDavis2]

To 08hduc: You are a very lucky guy to have met someone who has obviously been your friend as well as your lover. I should be so lucky. Although in many ways, luck has nothing to do with it. My insecurities and self-doubt has paralyzed me. If I was strong enough mentally, I would go ahead and date women and not worry about my size or performance. And then maybe (even by law of averages) I would meet a woman as wonderful as your wife is. But I dont

People tell me "be yourself" and you will find her someday. If I could be someone else - someone who isn't shy; someone who isn't afraid; someone who was confident in themselves - I'd be that guy in an instant. Being "myself" has made me unbearably sad, lonely, depressed, and ashamed. It doesn't matter that I have supposed qualities that woman want: I DO have a great sense of humor (which must be outstanding considering the pain I've had for 50 years). I AM considerate and caring. I AM easy to talk to and get along with. I am so easy to please it's ridiculous. And yet, hear I am, so distraught I don't even FEEL like a man. I feel hopeless and am afraid my pain is so deep-seated I will never recover from it.

So, don't get me wrong, 08hduc. I really am happy for you. But I am so jealous of EVERYONE'S HAPPINESS it kills me because I'M so so sad I cry almost every day about it, even that I know it does not good whatsoever.

[EricDavis2]

I apologize for my negativity to everyone who has posted trying to help and encourage me. Honestly, it means a lot to hear from such caring, beautiful people. I understand what you're saying. I am an educated man, and I know "it's not what you have but how you use it" and that there are other ways to please a woman sexually. It's just so frustrating to know that I have something to give, but can't seem to hardly even get my foot in the door with women. Not their fault - mine.

I am currently seeing a woman that was fixed up for me (since I'm too shy to do it on my own). And we've actually enjoyed a few very nice dates - nothing sexual at this point. My own fears (real and/or imagined) even had me hoping we wouldn't hit it off at all so I wouldn't have to confront my fears of intimacy. It's so crazy that as much as I want a satisfying, loving, sexual relationship, I find myself trying to avoid the very thing I want most in life.

But I promise to take all of your words to heart, and really will try to tackle it head on this time (I can't wait another 10 years for someone to come along!).Thank you all so much. I will keep you informed down the road on how I'm doing this time - good or bad. Love to all.

[IrmaJean]

It's so very difficult for me as a woman to read the feelings of men who believe that what makes a man a man is related to the size of his genitals. That really isn't it at all... A man, to me, means being true to oneself.

You being you, Eric, is a beautiful thing. You have just described yourself as a considerate, caring man with a great sense of humor. These are all very valuable traits. Being shy, fearful and lacking confidence...these feelings are telling you something about yourself. Have you considered where all of this might stem from? I would not consider any of this to be negative, but rather informative. Have you ever seen a therapist about any of this?

I also have noticed that you are very aware of yourself. This is always positive.

I hope things go well for you, Eric, with your girlfriend. It sounds to me as if she has met a very nice man.

[Born to Perish]

People need to focus on what is on the inside not outside. You should find somone who will accept you no matter what, that is what I am looking for. I'm a nice guy too. I'm not fully grown yet, but mine isn't so great either. I have not measured, because I don't care. You will find someone for you even if it is not the girl you see right now and if you truly are unhappy with the size issue then use a product that will assist you. But do this for you not some little hussie. If you do it for someone, find someone who you know is not a little hussie and enjoy your life with them. I guarantee you'll have more fun with someone who likes your personality than someone who likes your physical characteristics.

[08hduc]

This might be it's own topic question but I wonder: was it women who said a guys worth is measured by his penis or was it guys?

I guess a better way to put it is: Who started the myth that size matters most: Guys or gals?

[shye1]

hey 08hduc, I'll go out on a limb and say it was probably guys who started that I sort of compare it to womens feelings about boobs. Like girls with small boobs feel inadequate and less womanly. Eric do you have a preference for the size of a womans chest? If you do, thats fine. We all have preferences but would you be terribly disappointed if a girl took her wonderbra off and revealed small boobs? You might be slightly, if your preference was bigger ones, but would you go so far as to quit dating someone over it? I'm guessing not. So truthfully, you deserve someone much better than a woman who would break up with you over your size. Thats why you've got to put yourself out there, so you can find the ones who will love you anyway. But you'll never know until you proudly say, this is me. Remember, everyone has their body issues. This girl your seeing has her own body issues too, things shes terrified of you finding out. But we're always much harsher on ourselves than we are on other people.

Maybe when it comes to being sexual with this new woman, instead of assuming she will only want a man who is big, ask her what she likes. Ask her what you can do for her. Take it slow, she would like that. I can't stress it enough, there are plenty of guys who might be bigger than you but are lousy in bed simply because they don't care. You've got one up on them. Work on your self esteem issues, and great sex lies ahead!

[EricDavis2]

Well, I promised an update - so here it is: I am no longer dating the woman that was fixed up for me. We seemed to hit it off, I really liked her company and she seemed to be pretty open and honest with me.

However, after 4 or 5 dates with her, she stopped answering my calls. When I texted her, she claimed she had been very busy and didn't have time to call me back. Gullible as I am, and as desparate as I am to have a woman in my life, I believed her. But she just gave me the brush-off. No calls explaining why; no common decency to let me know she decided not to go out with me anymore. She just continued to ignore me during attempts to call her.

A nice guy finished last once again. Literally the story of my life.

I never had sex with her. Maybe that's why she dumped me. Since I'm so embarrassed with my penis size, I never made sexual advances. We kissed a few times (to end a date), but nothing else happened.

So my pathetic life continues. In fact, I'm so ashamed of myself, I've given up hope. What good is getting a date when I'm afraid to make a move on someone no matter how much I wish to get in bed and have intimate contact. To feel a woman and to have her respond to me as well. I'm feel so damn ashamed that at age 54 I can't get the nerve up (or anything else for that matter).

What a fucking loser I am. I've had just 3 women in my entire life, had sex with only 1 of them. What a joke. I hate myself so much right now I can't stand it. My "good" qualities of having a sense of humor and being kind, caring and considerate of others are totally worthless if I'm so afraid of taking a chance. All of you have tried to be so helpful and encouraging, but I'm afraid there's no hope for me at all.

[Hermitt]

This blatent honesty is making my head spin. I have never read a thread like this one before. Good to see the earthy language hasn't been bleeped. Not that I like that but I think you guys need to express yourselves in a way that is comfortable for such a sensitive topic.

I really don't know what to say to you to make you feel any better. We all have things about ourselves we aren't happy with though relating to interactions with others.

I can add one thing, maybe. I had a friend once many years ago that had a similar circumstance. We only dated for a few months BUT, the few times we were intimate, it was an experience. Not a bad one, just different. He made up for some stuff by doing other stuff. That's the best I can do on this one.

[IrmaJean]

The first step to take right now, Eric, would be to be gentle with yourself. Please don't add to your pain by hurting yourself with demeaning comments. I'm sorry you're feeling down right now. There is always hope. Taking chances and risks in life can be very scary I know, Eric. But if you want something you have to keep on keeping on. Try getting yourself back out there and trying again. Let your qualities shine through. You deserve happiness.

[EricDavis2]

Thank you, Irma Jean, for your kind words. You're right that I've got to stop being so hard on myself. I DO feel I deserve happiness; I DO feel that I'm worthy and that I'm a good person. But that just seems to make it doubly tough to deal with because despite all these qualities, the years and years of failure to find someone just eats at my heart.

I'm in such internal pain that I cry almost every day about it. My shyness in even meeting someone to date, my insecurities due to my body part, my embarrassment and shame from being alone at my age with no real success at finding love is so deep-seated it's scary.

Confidence is supposedly the most attractive trait from what I've read. My life experiences have made me entirely un-confident. In fact, the few chances I've ever had were due to other people setting me up - I don't have the guts/skills/courage/faith (whatever) to do it on my own. Where the heck is my confidence going to come from?

[IrmaJean]

Confidence is supposedly the most attractive trait from what I've read. My life experiences have made me entirely un-confident. In fact, the few chances I've ever had were due to other people setting me up - I don't have the guts/skills/courage/faith (whatever) to do it on my own. Where the heck is my confidence going to come from?

I struggled a great deal with low-confidence for many years, but I'm doing much better with this now. You can do it too, Eric. Sometimes taking the first safe risk is the most frightening and things get a bit easier after that. It helped me coming to understand that everyone is human and flawed, just like me. Everyone has doubts and insecurities at times. Also, try and think of what you are projecting when you are out socially. I was fearful and thus unapproachable by others. Once I began projecting more confidence (even when I didn't truly believe it just yet), others responded to me more positively. Smiling, having good posture and a friendly demeanor is helpful. When you get positive responses you begin to feel more confident and then things begin feeling more natural.

The first place you can start is by no longer saying that you can't do something. It's true that it's scary, but you can try. You already know that you're a good person who is worthy and deserving of happiness. This is great! Now is a perfect time to make proactive choices that will help you have the life you both want and deserve. I hope you feel better soon Eric.

[Symora]

Hi Eric, nice to meet you.... I've found that in order to increase my confidence I had to intentionally find ways to do it. I used to be very shy and self-conscious, so I decided to take a public speaking course. I know, that may have been jumping in the deep end a bit quick, but in fact it worked well and it helped me overcome a lot of fears. Perhaps you can do something that is directly geared to developing your communication and/or presentation skills. There are lots of courses, clubs or associations that offer a gazillon types of programs.... The added bonus is that you meet new people along the way :-)

I personally enjoy nice people, so don't get down on yourself for that! :eek:

Edited April 26, 2010 by Symora

[Hermitt]

I don't have any confidence either.

[notwhatiintended]

I also have a small penis and did not have sex until I was 31. I had terrible fear of sex but I tried not to focus on it too much. I was relatively happy, and I presented a facade that was happy and confident, but I had this lingering fear of not being able to find a partner. I am easy going, good natured, sensitive and quite shy (but I mask it well). When I met my future wife, it was a disaster the first time we tried to have sex. I felt very embarrassed. But eventually I got through that, and gained some confidence. I don't believe it's an issue for me now. For some girls, I'm sure size is an important factor, but I don't think it's by any means universal.

I am 39 now, and we're about to go through divorce, which doesn't sound encouraging, but my penis size has nothing to do with it. I have severe anxiety and depression about that, so I'm finding it hard to focus on any problems but my own! But I just wanted to share my experience in case it helps.

[EricDavis2]

Re-reading all the posts I've made and received, I've come to a two conclusions:

1) The people that respond are genuinely concerned about others and do their best to give out helpful advice.

2) Nobody can help me, no matter how hard they try. It's totally up to me.

Conclusion # 2 is the scary one, because I am not strong enough mentally after all these years of failure to turn myself around. I just don't feel I have it in me to re-invent myself, get a positive look on life, and plow thru the minefield that lies ahead. The task is too daunting for me. If I read a self-help book, even the smallest step is overwhelming and I give up.

So, thanks to all of you out there.You really tried. I hope you have success in your lives. I just have too little faith in myself to have success in mine.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I'd like to point out that there is a couple of things a real therapist or a psychiatrist could do that can not be done by random folks in an online forum. Sorry, if you've discussed this option before, but your second conclusion strikes me as irresponsibly bold. Technically, I'm not even convinced anyone tried hard. I'm being all outraged for a sceptic moment.

What kind of small step are you talking about? Maybe we could support you in that? Take care.

[malign]

Well yeah, in support of SoO's point, the only thing that "Nobody has been able to help me yet" proves is that so far, you haven't met the right person.

I hope you'll give that a try before giving up the entire idea (of life) without something more of a struggle. Is it hard to "reinvent" oneself? Sure, but for one thing, it's probably easier the second time. After all, you're not going to start over from scratch; there are just one or two things that need to change, probably. Key things, it might seem, but you might find they're not so dreadful, once you find out what they are.