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my atittude stinks, im not sure i even care


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Good morning Sue (evening for you),

I've long been a huge fan to the Wisdom of the Desert Fathers stories, stories created nearly 1600-2000 years ago by the mystics that lived in the mountains of the Middle East.

The Ascetic's Desires

A certain ascetic, Zarvand, decided to go to meditate in the Alborz Mountains with only one piece of cloth wrapped around him. Soon he realized that he needed another piece of cloth to wear while he washed the first, so he told the people in the village that he needed another piece of cloth. They knew he was a pious man, so they gave it to him. With his two pieces, Zarvand once again ascended the Alborz Mountains.

Shortly after, he discovered that as he was meditating, a mouse would try to drag his extra cloth away. He didn't want to kill the mouse, but to frighten it, however, he could not keep leaving his meditation and prayers to run after the mouse. So, he descended to the village and asked the people for a cat. After having taken the cat, Zarvand realized that it could not live like him, eating fruit. There were not enough mice for it to feed on and it needed milk. The villagers knew the milk was not for him, because he did not care for anything, so they gave him some.

Soon the milk was finished and Zarvand became worried because he was now going up and down the mountain to the village for milk. To eliminate the problem of fetching milk, he took a little cow which would provide milk for the cat.

He found himself milking the cow to care for the cat, then he thought, "There are so many poor people in the village. I will ask one to milk the cow for the cat's sake."

A poor fellow who looked almost dead was brought up the mountain. After a few weeks of the mountain air and lots of good milk he became healthy. The man then told Zarvand, "Look, it might be all right for you, but I want a wife!"

Zarvand thought to himself, "He is quite right, I can't deprive him of companionship." And now... to cut what could be a very long story short, after two months the whole village moved up the mountain.

Sue, I read you blog this morning (thanks to Autognosy) and I'm glad you've chosen to write to us here. If there was anything or something we could say (or would you like us all to move up the village into the mountain:)) that would make a difference, what would that be? You're here, we're here-- what words would bring you you the most comfort? How can we "love you better"? as a friend and member of this family? Most of know well what you've been thru and admire your courage and strength for having suffered for so long.

Con mucho cariño,


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Do you ever sit and think to yourself like what the heck is going on, and just whats happening. ???????????

Wonder why you do the things you do , if for no other reason than you think that is what you are supposed to do. Damn it none of this makes sense, nothing makes any damn sense at all

i havnt gotten a frigging clue what im doing, and that is stupid. So im sat here just crying like a damn baby trying not to pull my frigging hair out, and trying real damn hard not to punch holes in the nearest damn wall, coz my insides are screaming and really really trying to crawl out of me and escape. But theres no damn place to escape too, how the hell do you escape from yourself. ??????????????

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erm, hi Shillaci,

yea, sorry was kinda freaking out last night (oops). my solution, well isnt to be reccomended really. but well ya learn by your mistakes (apparently ;))

taken time out from being me today, probably not the right thing to do, as well now im at the other end of the spectrum, hyper :)

guess im stilll learning how to control me and my emotions, thats all any of us can do. sorry about the blood splatters on yer walls :(

take care hun


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