Parents

[Play4fun78_87]

So my dad was in the army and now he's retired and likes to do stuff around the house,but sometimes he's very annoying.Like i get home and he's always there in front of the door doing something,if i want to go in the kitchen to make a sandwich he's there,if i swear no matter where he is he hears me,if i drop something in my room he comes and asks me what happened,i try to get intimate with a girl in my room and he comes to "look for something",and he made a habit of checking my room each time he wakes up in the night to go the bathroom or something because when i was little i would forget to turn off the TV before going to sleep,but it's years since then and now i don't like it when someone enters my room without my permission.

Big problem is that every time i try to tell him he always gets mad and says that he made the house and every thing inside it and that i only break things,and that i don't have the right to complain about anything because he bought food for me while i was little and stuff like that,and that i should complain when i get my own house,and no matter what i try to tell him he just repeats these words like a little kid.He's not senile or something,not that old,but i don't know how to handle it.

Now my mom,she's still working and she has these strange moments.She has the habit of going to buy food,and she carries all those bags home (without telling anyone to help her) and then gets mad and starts yelling that no one helped her and that she always has to do everything herself.

Also when i was little i used to spend a lot of time with my parents but now that time has passed,i mean i only stay with them during dinner and 30 mins or so after.I spend the rest of my time with my friends or on the PC playing and i think that's normal but my parents always complain that i never stay with them and that makes me feel guilty.Are they right or i am?

(Sorry for the wall of text format but when i start to write down the ideas in my head i just forget about text appearance)

[Schillaci]

Hi play4fun,

That doesn't sound like a fun family situation indeed. Could you please give us your age? That would help us putting things in their proper perspective.

Much love,

Schillaci

[Play4fun78_87]

Just turned 17.Also don't tell me to go with my family to a therapist,i've been a while ago with my mom to some shaman guy and it didn't work

[Schillaci]

Okay, thank you.

First of all, it's hard to tell who's right about what the amount of time spent together should be. The norms regarding family interaction differ at your age. Some families just are tight, some families just are loose. So should you feel guilty then? I dunno.

But I don't think this is really the issue. I suspect that you wouldn't mind spending more time with them if it weren't for how stupid they sometimes act. Am I correct? I think once it would become more pleasant to spend time with them, the right amount of time would point itself out.

So how do we fix this? First of all, nobody in your family is exactly perfect. You are a very dominant young man, so is your father for invading your privacy, and your mother seems very unreasonable at times. Now, the single most important thing to understand about this situation, is that the behavior of each one of you is a reaction on the behavior of the others. Take some time to absorb that thought. Your father acts dominant because your mother is unreasonable. Your mother acts unreasonable because she feels helpless surrounded by dominant men. You tend to overlook blame aimed at you because the blame usually is unreasonable. The blame is unreasonable because you tend to overlook it anyway. All of these statements are true. Whenever you blame someone of your family, you're blaming yourself as well in a butterfly effect kind of way. And whenever family members lose sight of this elementary thought of interconnectedness, they tend to each get lost in their own blame game!

(If the previous paragraph doesn't make sense, read it again!)

In reverse, the more you and your family members are in tune with this awareness, the less stupid shit each one of you will do. But introducing that thought to them is tricky. If you were to tell your parents that blaming each other is ridiculous, they'd see that as another way for you to repel the blame aimed at you. So that doesn't work.

What does work? Try to make your parents feel that you aren't interested in who is right or wrong, that you are interested in a healthy interaction instead. For example, if your mother gets mad that nobody offers to help her carrying those bags, then the wrong approach is to simply blame her for being unreasonable. Instead tell her: "I'm sorry to disappoint you, mom, but you can't expect from me to know when you need help and when you do not." Now, the content of this statement isn't much different from telling her she's unreasonable, but:

1) By acknowledging her disappointment she will feel at least partly understood.

2) Instead of throwing the sound bite "unreasonable" out there, you break your message down to the essential bits: if she doesn't give signals that she wants to be helped, you don't know when to help, and of course you can't be helping her every time you're around. Let her reach the conclusion that she acts unreasonably herself.

As a bonus, mention afterwards that you'll try and spontaneously help her every once in a while.

I realize applying this trick won't be easy for you. It requires you to be in control of your emotions. It will take some practice. But once mastered, you'll have the ability to achieve psychological dominance over people, which is a pretty damn good skill to have!

And finally, I'm sure I have made a few wrong assumptions about how your family works or looks like. I only have so much info to go from. The bottom line stays the same, however. The more everyone will focus on the health of the interaction and less on blaming and being right, the less stupid stuff everyone will end up doing. And while everyone will have to cooperate to make this happen, you can start by giving the right example.

Much love,

Schillaci

[Sweetmom2]

Ur mom sounds like a strong woman that gets burned out once in a while. Help her out when shes emotionally tired. She will feel loved and even if she says no thanx, shell feel better and get emotional energy from that.

Ur dad and u is a battle of dominance that will never end. He is right, his house is his turf. One day ull have ur turf. Always treat ur parents with respect. Dnt talk back.say i hear and ill think about it. Thank you for the advice. Then there shouldnt b probl.

I was and still am in the same situat as u even though im married.i miss staying in my parents house even though after a day im tired of them. Enjoy having no real responcibilities and relaxing. One day ull have to budget, pay bills,do chores, work. Then stress sets in.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Play4fun78_87,

Just turned 17.Also don't tell me to go with my family to a therapist,i've been a while ago with my mom to some shaman guy and it didn't work

From the tone of your comment it seems that your father is not the only person you are angry with.

Allan

[samspruce]

and now i don't like it when someone enters my room without my permission.

Big problem is that every time i try to tell him he always gets mad and says that he made the house and every thing inside it and that i only break things,and that i don't have the right to complain about anything because he bought food for me while i was little and stuff like that,and that i should complain when i get my own house,and no matter what i try to tell him he just repeats these words like a little kid.

Hello Play4fun78_87

Sounds like things are not good for you at the moment. Are you an only child? If so it doesn't help with this kind of situation because you have no one to compare your situation with. That must make it much harder.

You asked if you were right or if your parents were. I can assure you that you are right. That doesn't necessarily make your parents wrong. Privacy is a very important thing. It is nearly always difficult because it starts of by a baby being entirely dependent with no privacy and ends up with an adult (hopefully) getting a respectable amount of privacy. So things have to change along the way. That change doesn't always happen smoothly. You do have a right to your privacy but that doesn't mean that it is easy for your parents. I am going to guess that your Dad is feeling a bit dislocated. He is retired now and his role in the family has changed radically. He might not know it but he might be finding it difficult. He might not know what to do. There's not much point in getting confrontational as I think you have realised. But you do have a right to your privacy and it is probably worth putting some effort into achieving that. For example shut the door (if you don't now) so that he has to open it to "pop" in and perhaps, instead of telling him you don't like him doing it try just asking him if he is all right or if he wants something when he pops in. You can be perfectly friendly about this but it will make him more aware of what he is doing.

Also parents do have this thing they resort to when there is difference of opinion "It's my house!" Well they are not quite right about that. I know some people won't agree with me. Your parents had you and you are another human being on this planet. They are fortunate enough to have the privilege of looking after you and the family home is just that. It belongs to all the family. Your parents necessarily are the people responsible for the home and with a fair wind you will one day move to another home of your own. So it isn't unreasonable to view the home as theirs in some respects but it is your home too and you should have reasonable privacy and respect. I'm not trying to suggest they are "wrong" just that you are right in feeling that the situation is invading your privacy and rights. But it has to evolve and you are currently feeling it hasn't evolved enough.

As for your mother I would guess that to try to help her with a few things would make her feel more valued and less taken for granted. She is probably having a difficult time adjusting to Dad being around so much. Hey - he's retired and now she's got more work to do! Wouldn't make anyone feel too good.

And I want to tell you something else. You are asking the question as to whether or not your feelings are reasonable and whether you are right or not. That already sounds very reasonable to me. People who don't question themselves are often the one's to worry about.

And maybe this is a bit naughty of me but remember you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

I really hope things improve and they look as if they could.

Let me know if I've missed the point.

Sam