Not doing so well

[amberlyn]

Well, I guess I didn't realize it until today but I've been falling into old habits. Been eating late at night (because I hardly eat during the day) ... and today I've had nothing but crackers. I need to eat... I know I do. But I just don't feel the desire to eat. I mean, I'm hungry ... just nothing sounds good, if that makes sense. I don't feel like eating.

Ed has kinda been kicking my butt lately. He's back to making me feel ugly, incapable, unlovable, etc. The past couple of weeks have been hard. But I'm not fasting on purpose. I'm not doing it because I feel fat or out of control or anything ... well, I do feel out of control in my life right now. Maybe that's subconsciously why I'm doing this. Ugh ... I don't know.

I WANT to want to eat ... I just don't know how.

[Symora]

I'm so sorry to hear you're not feeling so good today.... Is it perhaps because you don't feel like cooking? Or perhaps you're feeling discouraged because of husband's behaviour? Or perhaps it's the medication that is cutting your appetite? Do any of those things sound right? Would ordering out do any good - I know that sometimes I just don't feel like eating the same old food and a change is nice....

Anyway, you have to eat something my dear, even if it's just a soup. Get something in your body, it will make you feel less depleted...

[amberlyn]

Thanks Symora. I ended up cooking dinner for me & my hunny. I ate pretty well I didn't feel like it, but I was actually able to do it. And surprisingly, once I got to eating, I wanted more! Haha. Sometimes I just gotta force myself to get started. Then my body takes care of the rest. Still having some self-image issues, but I'm doing okay. Thanks again.

By the way, I'm unfortunately not taking my meds like I'm supposed. I think it's just been a combination of anxiety, depression, and fatigue. I think I'm coming down with a cold or flu or something so I've been feeling really blah .. all of that makes for a bad combination.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Amberlyn,

I want to urge you to resume your medications. First, suddenly stopping these medications can cause very uncomfortable side effects, even creating the feeling that you have a cold. Also, it can cause you to feel really lousy in general. I really urge you to resume the meds.

Allan:confused:

[amberlyn]

The biggest reason that I stopped the meds is because of finances. I talked on here a while back about moving and trying to get a job and needing a job before I could get refills on my meds, getting back to a pdoc, et cetera. Well, we're all moved in but I still haven't found a job So, because I have no job, I have no money; no money=no meds ... for now. I've already talked to my boyfriend about getting back on my meds and seeing a doc ASAP. I just have to get a job first. Both of us are very adamant that I get back on my meds. I really do want to (for the first time, ever! - haha). It's just that circumstances right now are making that impossible. [shrug]

[mscat]

Hi amberlyn ,

I am wondering if you had worked in the past that you may qualify for unemploment ? Could you also go to your local welfare department and see if you can become eligible for medicade ? It will pay for your health insurance , and you can still continue to look for work.

I agree that meds help and so does therapy. A combined treatment is both necessary and it is the best way to become stable and feel better.

What I do not like is that your BF is treating you badly, the name calling is abusive It certainly will lower your self esteem and help u NOT feel good about yourself or who u are.

Your fighting an ED on top of everything else . I am very aware about ED's because I suffered 8 yrs of anorexia and bulimia> you need support and kindness right now. Not critisism . Try to be around positive people and your friends and family who love and care about you the most.

Your BF is not helping u by his remarks , he is being direspectful towards u and abusive.

[ThePetPerson]

I just wanted to say I think I understand your not wanting to eat. Sometimes you think about eating and it all makes you want to throw up. I often end up not eating anything because of this. Is this what happens to you?

[Bluerose]

I don’t know what to say. It always makes me feel so sad when I read about the struggle people in the USA have paying for important treatment and meds. We don’t know how lucky we are here in the UK. I have psychiatrists and psychologist coming out of my ears! And although I’m not on any medication, I can get it if I want it anytime.

Sounds like your trying your best. Continue to try to eat something. I’ll give you the recipe for a lovely Scottish vegetable broth if you like. It’s all about keeping up your interest in good healthy food.

[amberlyn]

mscat,

I think you misunderstood. My boyfriend isn't making me feel bad .... Ed is what I refer to as the eating disorder. It's the personalization of the anorexia, so I can yell at him, blame him, etc. It's a trick I learned from outpatient. Sorry about the miscommunication. I am very much around people who are supportive & loving. My two best friends that were there during my worst time period are still here & always asking how I'm doing

Oh, and I tried to apply for SSI/Disability. I was denied ... although I do know that most people are denied the first time they apply. I just got discouraged & said "screw it, I'll do this on my own." Besides, I'm a very prideful person. I don't like help from others so applying the first time was hard. I don't know that I could do it again.

[amberlyn]

PetPerson,

Yeah, that's kinda what it's like. It's just that the thought of eating makes me nauseated & my anxiety goes up. I've learned my own triggers though, so if I'm having a day that I feel very out of my control of my life, I know that I'm not going to want to eat. I saw on your thread that your brother has anorexia, right? So I'm sure you know that eating disorders aren't about food .... it's about control. That's why feeling out of control is a major trigger for me; I start feeling like what I put in my body is the only thing I can control. There's a lot more psycho-babble that goes along with it, but that's the jist.

Seeing as you having such a tough home life (that's the biggest understatement ever, but you know what I mean), I could definitely see you feeling out of control in your own life. Maybe that's why you don't eat sometimes, either?

[amberlyn]

Rose,

I definitely am trying my best. I'm doing what I can but it's harder & harder each day lately. I've been stressed before & continued eating. I mean, I've been worse before ... I just feel myself falling back into old habits quickly. I'm doing what I can though. And I would love to get that recipe from you! I'm all about eating as healthy as possible ...

Idea: Recipe thread?!?

[ThePetPerson]

Yeah, you are right Stress affects my eating to, I often have a bad day and even think of eating makes me feel sick to the pit of my stomach. Everything sounds disgusting. I know its not exactly the same as your problem though. My brother does have anorexia so I have a better understanding of eating disorders than alot of people. Slightly of topic but I think in some cases it is a different type of self harm. Do you know what I mean?

[amberlyn]

Eating disorders ARE self-harm! That's one of the first things I learned about EDs. Anything that is dangerous to yourself is self-harm. This means intentionally hurting yourself (cutting, etc) or unintentionally hurting yourself (usually in the form of an addiction). I see any addiction as self-harm. Eating disorders, alcoholism, drug use ... even smoking cigarettes is self-harm, in my eyes. I have had issues with self-harm in several different forms and it all ends the same way. You want to feel relief & when it's over, you just feel worse.

I'm curious ... you said that stress affects your eating & when you have a bad day, the thought of eating makes you feel sick. I guess I'm curious how it's NOT the same as my problem. Just wondering... 'cause that sounds like what I go through.

[ThePetPerson]

That makes sense. I never really thought about it like that. I always thought of self harm as self inflicted damage for the purpose of, well, harm. I know its more complicated than that but thats the way I see it. This not eating when stressed thing has been building up over a few months but I guess I never thought it was a problem?

[amberlyn]

PetPerson,

Not eating is always a problem. Take it from me. Let me tell you a bit about my story:

I told you some already of how I grew up. I was the parent for most of my life; my dad was hardly ever home & my mom spent most of her time being a teenager. She had me at 18 so she "missed out" on being a teenager... so she went out & partied, cheated on my dad, etc. Most of my life was spent taking care of myself until my sister came along - then, she became my first priority. Anyway, I've always been small-framed, had a high metabolism and whatnot. When I was about 11, I guess when puberty started, I began to gain a little bit of weight. Nothing that was unusual or unexpected. It was just bigger hips, growing breasts, etc. Anyway, after noticing the changes that I was going through & how much my friends always placed emphasis on my looks, I started to eat less & less. This was also about the time that I lost my grandfather, who was the closest thing to a parent that I've ever had. I also was dealing with a lot of abuse at the time. Over the years, it went from just skipping breakfast to skipping breakfast & lunch ... to only eating to keep myself from passing out. It was so gradual that I never even noticed what I was doing. In 2008 I ended up falling to 95 lbs (at 5'8") and did the inpatient & outpatient treatment. Today, I'm a year into recovery.

The worst part about this story is that I went TEN YEARS having an eating disorder & NEVER KNEW IT. Supposedly, some family members noticed signs but were too scared to acknowledge it. However, I know that if I (or anyone else!) had realized that I had a problem, maybe it could have been taken care of before I almost died. But ... then again... if that were the case, I wouldn't be able to help others with my story.

The point is, a problem is a problem usually before you notice. If a man has a panic attack, the problem is usually before the panic attack .... he just doesn't realize it until he can't breathe. An alcoholic would probably never think of himself as an alcoholic when he starts out just drinking one or two beers a night, perhaps not even every night. But you gotta think about your risk factors too.

Something I suggest for you to think about are YOUR risk factors:

Do you now or have you ever had issues with addictions?

Do you find yourself feeling out of control in your life?

Have you grown up seeing odd/unhealthy eating habits?

Does eating disorders or other addictions run in your family?

Do you suffer from depression/anxiety?

Do you have low self-esteem?

Have you ever suffered from any type of abuse?

These are just some things to think about. I'm sorry for the rambling ... just a little worried, because you sound like me when I was younger. If I crossed any lines, then I apologize.

Take care, PetPerson.

[ThePetPerson]

Of course you didnt cross any lines. If I wasnt open to advice or opinions then I wouldnt have joined the forum I remember about 3 years ago when my grandma died. She had always been there even though my mum (her daughter) wasnt. That was tough. I dont know about eating less, I know I havent had breakfast in a long time. I occoasionaly skip meals but I tend to overeat certain foods (chocolate). I just want you to know I am taking you seriously, I think the next answer sounds a bit jokey. 1.Im not sure. I eat alot of chocolate whenever I can so I guess maybe. 2. Chocolate. 3. Im not sure what you mean? Do you mean as in I am out of control or is my life out of control? 4. My dad never eats, when he eats its because he knows he needs to not because hes hungry. He tends to overeat when he does. As you know my brother has anorexia. 5. Most of my family smokes 6. Yes. But you understand why. 7. I guess so. I put everything and everyone else before me. My feelings dont seem to matter as much as anyone elses. 8. I was/am bullied at school just for who I am. Also, maybe a little from my dad. He seems to underestimate just how much I do which upsets me. I am sorry, this seems to have taken over your thread a bit.

[amberlyn]

Oh don't worry about it at all. This thread isn't just about me, it's for everyone Well, from what you were able to share, I think that you have the potential to have issues with eating (not saying that you have an eating disorder - I'm no doctor - but that the potential is definitely there). Oh, and by the third question, I was asking if you felt like your life was out of your control. For me, there is so much that happens/has happened that feels out of my control. My grandfather dying, my parents divorcing, the repeated abuse in my life, my physical & mental health issues .... I felt like I didn't have control over ANYTHING in my life. Do you think that would apply to you?

I think that you might want to take note of your eating habits. Because your dad and brother both have problems with eating, you're actually more likely to develop an eating disorder yourself, combined with the depression, low self-esteem, and abuse. I would HIGHLY suggest you see a counselor or therapist. Not necessarily just for this but so you can have someone to talk to about all the difficult issues you're dealing with. You might even look into CBT as a way to work on how you see yourself. It might help you push aside the depressive thoughts, as well as help you see yourself as important, worthy, and loved.

Then again, what do I know? Maybe others would have some more/better suggestions?

[Bluerose]

See if you can find something in here that gets your interest up. Once on the boil it smells so good you just have to have some. I was practically brought up on it. It’s a good healthy meal when you’re watching the pennies.

I hope you feel up to trying it.

http://www.scottishrecipes.co.uk/scotchbroth.htm

[ThePetPerson]

Im not sure what to say really... If I may ask... Do you have a 'recognized' eating disorder? How do you cope? I understand that may not be the best question since you are still struggling yourself. After reading all this I went and searched sites about eating disorders, looking for any information. It didnt really help They all say it has to do with weight and food. That isnt my case at all, and I dont think its yours either. I would like to say I am glad to be here and have the support, its nice to feel youre not alone

[amberlyn]

Oh my goodness, that's not the case for anyone! That makes me sad to hear that's the information you're finding. Here are some websites to check out:

www.nationaleatingdisorders.org

www.anad.org

www.nedic.ca

www.eatingdisorderinfo.org

These should get you started on finding some good, reliable information on eating disorders. Feel free to browse these as much as possible. Knowledge really is power.

By the way, I'm not sure what you mean by a 'recognized' eating disorder. I have been diagnosed with one by a physician, if that's what you're asking. I was diagnosed in 2008 as having anorexia nervosa. And coping? Well, that's probably a story within itself. Haha. Honestly, it's a day-by-day process. I know this sounds cliche, but the first step really was to recognize I had a problem. Then, I had to realize I wanted to do something to change it.... that part took longer than admitting I really have anorexia. Once I got the psychological help that I needed (basically, was pointed in the right direction of having healthy thoughts about myself & what healthy eating is), I had to push myself. I have to tell myself daily that I'm lovable, valuable, and deserve to treat myself well. Another trick I use on myself is the control factor. I'll tell myself that if I eat, I really AM in control! By not eating, I'm letting Ed (that's what I call the eating disorder) have control .... because this is so much about control. I hope that answers your question. And yes, it is wonderful to know that you're not alone.

By the way, the week is National Eating Disorder Awareness week & also my birthday week.

[Bluerose]

Whatever day it is....

This is for you.

[ThePetPerson]

Thank you for the websites I dont know if I would have what is considered an eating disorder. A couple of the sites listed the signs, a few applied to me but again, alot of it was about weight. I am starting to stress over this now. I didnt even think I had a problem. I have not eaten today, my dad and brother had an argument this morning and my brother walked out. He is now staying at my uncle Chris' house:( Im so worried right now. My brother isnt helping anything either. Happy birthday (whichever day it is) by the way!

[amberlyn]

Pet, don't stress over it. That will just make things worse. Just keep on things, and make sure that you're taking care of yourself through your stresses... whether that means making sure you eat, or that you socialize every day, or that you indulge in something that you're passionate about. Just take care of you

And thank you & Rose both for the birthday wishes.

[mscat]

mscat,

I think you misunderstood. My boyfriend isn't making me feel bad .... Ed is what I refer to as the eating disorder. It's the personalization of the anorexia, so I can yell at him, blame him, etc. It's a trick I learned from outpatient. Sorry about the miscommunication. I am very much around people who are supportive & loving. My two best friends that were there during my worst time period are still here & always asking how I'm doing

Oh, and I tried to apply for SSI/Disability. I was denied ... although I do know that most people are denied the first time they apply. I just got discouraged & said "screw it, I'll do this on my own." Besides, I'm a very prideful person. I don't like help from others so applying the first time was hard. I don't know that I could do it again.

I am sorry if I misunderstood I had a ED myself for over 8 yrs , both ANorexia and Bulimia .

I am very glad that your around many supported , loving people that care about you . A lot of people don't have that.

It is very hard to apply for disability, because it is like admitting their is a problem. I hope things go well for you .

mscat

[amberlyn]

Thanks mscat And I do realize that I'm very lucky to have so many people that love me and care about my well-being