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probably a dumb question, but.............


SweetSue
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"How do you live in society, and not just lock yourself away ?"

I know its stupid, and seriously I realise how dumb it sounds.

I seem to be going from impulse to impulse, which probably doesnt sound so bad, except ofcourse the things that my emotions are leading me too, arent right. And no matter, I guess what happens happens, but even though Im screwing up, like real big, Im not ready to call that number yet, cant seem to allow myself to make that call back to the safety net. not only after a few days of freedom. its stupid I feel like a little kid, not knowing what Im meant to be doing, or worse still deciding its ok to do something, and just going for it, and then blow the consequences. then like wondering seriously wondering what im doing, or like heck what have i just done. yeah I know im not making sense, just a tad confused. there has to be a way that people just move forward, and not switch off from the reality, i mean reality exisits still, but where ?

I find myself doing like strange things, or ending up somewhere, and not remembering why I went there in the first place, or even how the heck I gotten there. So came home yesterday I think, after doing real stupid crap, (dma it) and decided it was safer somewhere in the night to just lock myself in the house, and never go out again. (great plan sue) so now im sat here after many hours of freaking now, wondering wtf, I have done to this house, let alone myself. and whats gone on. IDIOT. :mad:

Sorry getting wayy, off track, all over the place the now. erm I just need to know how the heck, Im meant to do this. you know this whole being normal stuff. I used to be able to like run a household, look after my family, take care of things, perfectly adiquately. think Ive just,.... forgotten HOW.

What do I do ?, ok yeah I know no-one knows the answer, or if they did couldnt say whatever, Im sorry guess im still just learning. hmm. possibly just venting even, so yeah, put this down to one of my stupid mood swings, and ignore it - sorry.

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Sue,

You have to stop the ‘ignore me’ thing and just ask your questions. I for one will be glad to answer any straight forward question. But you post and then change your mind leaving me at least wondering whether to answer or not for fear of making things worse or upsetting you. I’m sure there are others on here too who are beginning to feel the same way. Are you home now? How are you feeling.

As for putting your house in order, it might be a good idea. Us spiritual types believe our outer world is a reflection of our inner world. And in the hope of restoring some order within, we work to have some order on the outside of us.

Putting your home in order would be a good start. I understand how hard this is when we are feeling depressed but it can be done, if not one room at a time then one corner at a time. Begin by clearing yourself a nice place to sit and relax. Once you feel a little more energetic begin by clearing another corner and continue until the room is in order. Be ruthless, dump anything that is no longer needed or useful.

This is only a suggestion to help you begin to feel in control of something.

I'm going to take a bit of a liberty here and post a few one-liners or affirmations that I often repeat to myself when my brain is feeling 'foggy'. Doing this helps to keep my thoughts positive until I'm feeling stronger. You might find it helpful you might not. But getting well takes work so if you are up to it give it a shot.

Just read them a few times whenever you feel like it. The point is that it sends positive messages to your brain and hopefully changes how you see and think about some things, encouraging more positive thinking and a more positive attitude. When you get the hang of it, you can create a list of your own.

I deal positively with unfamiliar feelings.

I try not to be so tough on myself or others.

I am letting go of outdated beliefs and concepts.

I can't change the past only accept it.

I act as if I am in control until I am.

I have the ability to re-shape my life.

I steer clear of selfish and insensitive people.

I act as if I know what I want until I do.

My fate is not set in stone never to be changed.

I am capable of so much more than I realise.

I'm freeing my mind of negative and limiting thoughts.

Something inside of me knows what is best for me.

I trust in the universe and in my own inner resources.

I follow a path I created from my past thinking.

I don't expect others to change to suit me it never works.

I make my own choices and allow others to make theirs.

I can get the best out of life in an hour by hour sense.

My life is a reflection of what I believe I deserve.

Best wishes. :)

{{{Hug}}}

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Sue,

it is ok. Sometimes you have to tell yourself that over and over again. Things change in life, so often, and we just have to do the best or what we can do for now. We change too.

It is not a dumb question. You are just trying to cope -- to get along. It is wonderful to have a place with people who understand where you can reach out.

Blessings

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Sue,

You have to stop the ‘ignore me’ thing and just ask your questions. I for one will be glad to answer any straight forward question. But you post and then change your mind leaving me at least wondering whether to answer or not for fear of making things worse or upsetting you. I’m sure there are others on here too who are beginning to feel the same way.

hi Bluerose,

Yep your right, Im kinda "fed up" with me too. You know the thing is, I was kinda in a real mess last night, (probably shows :)) when I get like this I get very insecure, and know that Im not making any sense. I was a tad panicking and freaking at the time.

I know I have a recent tendency to delete stuff, sheeeze, do you know I even nearly deleted this, paranoia at its best. I get myself that worked up emotionally then like just :eek: Anyway the deleting thing, thats my own stupid insecurities when they are on full pelt, when my head is just screaming at me about how stupid I am, and that Im not making sense, and that Im just making a damn fool of myself. (again) Not sure really, just feel like im being an idiot and that my questions are that stupid that they dont matter none, but at the same time Im still freaking coz i need to know what Im meant to do, and even though its stupid, I still posted, coz the part of me that needed to know the answer at some point in writing was stronger than the part of me that was telling me what a complete idiot I am.

Im sorry Rose, and others. Im kinda struggling with just listening to one voice in my head at a time, I know that it dosnt make sense, and I dont expect anyone to understand, how can you when I dont fully understand myself. Im sorry.

thanks for your kindness bluerose and muse muse

take care

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Sue,

I'm glad you didn't delete it.

If only some of our problems could be deleted so easily. :)

I'm fed up with me too sometimes. Nothing wrong with that. We just have to try and not beat ourselves up too much about it.

Posting when we are feeling really crappie is what these boards are all about. So just type and post. If it's a mess and I have trouble understanding it I'll let you know, I'll ask some questions. And I'm sure you'll do the same for me when I'm down and struggling to express myself.

I had a friend who told me that posting was her way of getting all the crap on the outside of her instead of allowing it to fester away on the inside. That small statement helped me when I first came to the boards. I wonder if it might help you.

There is no such thing as a stupid question. Only smart people ask questions. Idiots don't because they think they know it all. An idiot listens to no one. A smart person listens to everyone, even the idiot, because he realises that everyone has a story to tell.

You have done nothing on here to be sorry about. And your wrong. We do understand. I understand too what you mean when you say "How can I expect you to understand when I don't understand it myself." If I had a pound coin for every time I have said that, I would be a rich woman! It's the talking to other people and listening to what they have to say that helps us to understand.

So stop worrying so much about your posts and just post. :(

I wish I could show you some of my first posts. I was in such a mess when I started posting a few years back. Now, I'm so cheeky it's a wonder I don't get kicked off the boards. :)

Take care and plan to have a good day tomorrow because thinking makes it so - it takes practise and it takes time.

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Hey Bluerose, Thanks :(

I'm doing ok today I think, after a bit of a over-dramatic start (oops). Kinda decided in my over emotional state to take a step back and try sort myself out (about time :)) reckon recently I've been guilty of just concentrating on all the negatives in life.

So after visiting p/doc this am, and shamefully walking out half way through (more like storming off), in one of my "blow it" moods, "coz I know best" moments (yep attitude is very apparent in me today). And storm walking in a "hissy fit" (oops). I realised something really simple yet very clear. If I dont like the way things are for me and how shit they feel, and if I feel like I cant cope. Well maybe its time to change them, and take charge of myself. Like how simple is that. :)

So I made a list of things that need to change, And what I needed to set in place to achieve this. (even managed to like, do normal things like everyone else, for me thats kinda cool)

And today well Im grateful for my attitude, ashamed that it took me throwing a temper tantrum to realise things, Appologies have been made. Even actually went back to see p/doc this afternoon. And have agreed on a more suitable realistic treatment course.

So Im kinda excited about life at the moment and really geared up to the challenge I have set myself. guess watch this space, coz like yeah, I know its not gonna be easy, and I have like loads of things I need to change about me, well not change exactly just improove. Still re-learning how to live on my own, but hey Ive managed life on my own before, ok, that was like 17 years ago, pre-marriage. pre-kids, but atleast it kinda gives me a starting block to work from. :o

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Wow! That is such a positive post. If I were you I would take a copy of that and read it over when energy feels low.

And your right, it’s not easy but it is doable. Just go with the flow of your natural energy. When feeling strong do what you can and when feeling less energy, get yourself a nice cup of tea and treat it like a rest period.

If I may make a comment about making lists of things to do and things to improve or change - keep the lists positive too. Avoid making lists of everything that is ‘wrong’ with your life. This is counter productive. Instead make your lists not so much about what you want to change but more about the changes you want to see.

Expect it to feel like five steps forward and three back but don’t give up. Soon it’ll be five steps forward two steps back. And then it will be ten steps forward and three steps back.

It isn’t necessary to push your body too hard. The real work gets done in your head through thinking more positively.

Be kind and gentle with yourself and the world will begin to treat you a whole lot better than in the past.

Think - Onwards and upwards the only way to go!

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Dr. Gordon Livingston in his book Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart points out an interesting fact. That the most secure prisons are the ones we build for ourselves. It is often times much harder to escape a mental prison than anything else, because the guard is always watching.

But this is not to mean to discourage, it seems you've already Identified you have built a prison for yourself, and that is the first step to walking out.

You're wondering how you can do this normal stuff... Be forgive me for my simplistic answer but: one day at a time. It's difficult to adjust to a normal life, especially when we are so accustomed to being abnormal. But it's not by any means impossible, it just requires taking in the normal tasks one day at time, and trying to worry about the bridges as you come to them (I know, easier said than done).

What often works for me is finding something I particularly enjoy and when my responsibility is done indulging in it. My vice is debate. The intellectual stimulation helps me think clearer and makes me sharper and quicker on my feet. I suggest finding a clean habit that you enjoy doing on your off time, it makes your on time easier.

Also, exercise does wonders for depression (There are actually numerous studies done that link exercise and reduced depression and anxiety, see reports by the Mayo Clinic for this). But this is just a suggestion. I know that after I exercise I feel a whole lot better, and can approach things with new vigor.

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... and if I can add another little thing:

Sometimes it's not that we must change so many things about ourselves, but that we must accept and even embrace our imperfections. We do a lot of damage to ourselves by rejecting parts of us that are just there.

That doesn't mean that we embrace our inner psychopath B) But there have been a few things that, at 48, I've eventually seen is just how I am and I don't actually have to change them, I just don't act on the feelings or ideas. When you accept that it's there within you, even though you don't like or want to be that way, it loses much of its grip on you.

Oh, and didn't you just come out of hospital? It takes me weeks to adjust to society again after that. It's all quite bewildering and overwhelming. Good luck.

Edited by Luna-
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