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Need some hope...


archyb
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I hate to post these complaining messages. I know there's nothing anybody out there can do to save me. I'm just is so much emotional pain that it's making me physically sick. I have 20 years worth of pain to somehow try to deal with, horrible anxiety, panic, despair, depression at a level I've never felt before, and generally hanging on by a thread.

The conflict within me is killing me, literally. I haven't seen the sun in days now, which has a huge effect on me. I have a therapy session in a few hours, so that's one good thing.

I have so much to deal with that I don't even know where to begin. I think myself in circles trying to figure out the answer. This thinking usually gets me in a huge depression where I just throw my hands in the air and say I give up.

I'm not going to kill myself; not yet anyway. But I have no other solution.

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Hi archyb

Sorry things are so harsh for you, I hope that you feel a little better after your therapy session.

I have a tendancy of over thinking and getting myself so confused in the end I feel its easier to just say blow it and give up, seriously I have been in that place a awful lot recently.

Hope comes in various disguises, and typically hides when searching for some. (well thats my belief at anyrate.) But hope doess turn up, when you least expect it, and usually with me it comes from the most unlikeliest of souces.

Saturday just past, you wouldnt believe how close I came to throwing in the towel, and well my hope came from a childish temper tantrum that I had. And it was in the midst of it, that I realised, that I was only throwing one coz well I did care about me, and the way I am and what Im going through. I was only being so damn stubborn coz, well I didnt want to allow someone else or something else to make me feel this way. And thats where my hope came from, the smallest of voices inside of me that was saying blow everything, coz I can and will make it through this.

Dont ask me why im telling you this, coz I really dont know. But I really do believe if you just keep trying to breathe through the hard times, some hope will eventually come along, no matter how small, and when it does, just cling to it for all its worth.

Take care

Sue

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hi, archyb,

Just keep posting, It's OK to write "complaining messages" here!

I wonder; why aren't you hospitalized!? Did you discuss this possibility with your therapist? People with severe suicidal intentions are often hospitalized! This should hepl you more than the therapy you undergo now!

(Have you read the thread "feeling suicide" in "New member post here"? I know the man there wasn't in such horrible pain as you are and that the "discussion" there was mostly aimed at convincing him to be treated (what you already are), but... you could find there some reasons supporting the decission to live, not to give up you hard fight.)

Don't forget; we care about you...

L.

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