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This cant be happening...


ThePetPerson
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I am really sorry petperson that you are having to go through all of this.

As regards your Dad, do not be afraid to point out to the social worker about his behaviour, it is for his benefit and the benefit of all the family.

I am sure that your Dad pretending that everything is alright in itself is causing an underlying tension in the house.

Is it possible for your Uncle to talk to someone on your behalf ?

Take care

Goose

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I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but maybe your brother walking out was the best thing that could have happened for your family. FINALLY, everything will be brought out into the open about your dad & his behavior. Hopefully, something can FINALLY be done about it! I wish you the best in talking to the social worker... I know it can be difficult to tell someone the "faults" of someone that you love.

By the way, try to de-stress as much as possible. For right now, there is nothing you can do about any of this. You can't force your brother to come home, you can't make the social worker see or not see certain things, you can't decide how this all turns out. Stressing will just make each day harder on you. If you need to, make a list of the things that you CAN control & what you CANNOT control. The things you can't control, accept those as situations that the universe will have to take care. Then, for the things that you can control, make a plan as to how to handle those situations to the best of your ability.

All you can really do right now is be honest with the social worker, and hope for the best. <3 Good luck, hun.

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Hi ThePetPerson,

Oh you poor thing. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

First of all I would like to add my view to reassure you that whatever you do will be the right thing. If you tell the social worker all about it I am sure you will be doing the right thing.

Can I say that I am a single father of one of the most wonderful people on this planet. (I get the strong feeling that you are another one of those wonderful people.)

To try to keep this short I am trying to explain that I have spent 6 years being a single parent (father) under incredible strain. (I have not succeeded materially but I have succeeded emotionally.) And I can feel for your father's difficulties. I have no doubt in my mind that really really really deep down he would want you to tell the social worker everything. Really!

He might not even know it because he sounds terrified. In his world, for however he can see it, he sounds frightened that he has to look after you and he will fight anything that might threaten that. Hence his trying to bribe you. But if he is right he will get help and he might get the opportunity to release some of his worries. It is really possible that things could improve. If there are things that are wrong then it is far better to get them stopped. That's all. Stopped. Recriminations and blame and all that rubbish can be sorted later. Stop the bad stuff. Talk later.

But it doesn't sound as if there is "bad" stuff going on just lots of mixed feelings and pain. I know exactly what you mean about feeling guilty because he is trying his best. But in a way this is where your strength comes in. It might not feel like strength to you but I can guarantee it is. I can feel it in your writing.

I have always encourage my daughter to tell anyone anything she wants to. Kids really do usually know best. Us adults, well we start to get a bit fixed in our ways and can't quite see new things so well. Love is powerful and not to be mistaken for sentiment. Your deep feelings are all about the well being of all of you. I can tell you love your father but don't mix that up with the blame game that you might be wrong if you tell the truth.

I'm in danger of getting "wordy" here but I also want to say that I am not a fan of social workers. I'm not suggesting you tell them stuff just because they are the authority and that is what you "should" do. In fact if that was what it was about I would probably suggest you tell them nothing. No - the reason I think you are doing the right thing is because the social workers are there to help. That part of what they do is really good and they can find very practical ways of supporting families with difficulties.

In general the more that is out in the open the better for all. In general secrets are divisive and destructive.

My heart goes out to you and I want to give you a big hug and sit at a kitchen table and listen to you all night. You sound like a wonderful person and your Dad is a very lucky man. If he needs help looking after his wonderful kids then get it for him whether he thinks he likes it or not.

You shouldn't be in this situation but you are. You are definitely doing the right thing.

amberlyn suggests trying to de-stress. She is right of course but sometimes it seems impossible. I'm going to get a bit serious here. Love matters. You have a deep heart. You feel very strongly. Other people have faced desperate problems and when they listen to their heart and they do what they know is right it might hurt but they know with a great sadness that they did the right thing. And then there is calm. Because you can't control the world but you can do what is right in it. And in the end things get better.

If all I can do to help is to put words on the internet then so be it. You have my deep sympathy and support. You are a credit to the human race. And I hope your ride is not too bumpy.

Sam

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You know what the right thing to do is. You know what's best in this situation & I hope that you find the strength within yourself to do it. And honestly, I don't think it's bad that you feel good about this situation. Yes, it's stressful, but it can eventually bring a tremendous amount of relief - and there's no shame in being grateful for relief. Btw, I agree with absolutely everything that Sam said. You ARE a wonderful person, and while you should never have had to go through any of this, you're doing a great job with the hand that you were dealt. And he's also right that de-stressing probably seems impossible. That just means that sometimes we have to make more of an effort in doing it. Nothing is impossible. <3

You said something that I find very profound. You said, "I will try to stop stressing so much but I feel that the only thing I could ever control in my life is myself" ... you know what? You're right. You are the only thing in your life that you can control. You cannot control other people's feelings, actions, or reactions. You may feel that you can sometimes, or they may cause you to believe that you can (by saying something like "what you said made me so mad!") ... but everyone only has control over themselves. You can't make someone feel something. People have control over their own reactions to things. That's just like your dad cannot MAKE you not talk to the social worker. He may be buying you things, but it's still your choice. I want you to remember what you said about only controlling yourself. When I was your age, I was such a control freak (& in charge of so much) that I didn't learn that. It wasn't until about a year or so ago that I finally realized that I DON'T have control over others. Keep that lesson deep in your heart, and remind yourself of it when things get tough. This too shall pass ... I know it's cliche, but things are only cliche because they're true!

Take care.

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