Low -Maybe sensitive.

[Kara_Love]

So low I coul crumble from the pressure. Everything is weighing down and it hurts... man, it hurts more than you could imagine. I fucked everything up. I always do. I'm tired. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to fight, I don't want to fight anymore. Why don't you just leave me alone? I'm sick of fighting with you. No more yelling, I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of pretending like I'm not crying, though I do a good job at it... I should be an actress.

I just feel sick to my stomach. My life makes me sick. I wake up, pretend to be a valuable citizen of this wretched place, then I come home, and want to die. I know people say that dying is the easiest way out, but it's really not. The easiest way out would be to move to Hawaii and live off the land. Dissapear forever. The easiest way out is to leave. Dieing is not easy. Turns out it's increibly difficiult when you don't have a car or a house to yourself. Trust me, I've tried, too many times. People catch you. People tell on you, then BAM you're in the stupid fucking hospital again. If I had a gun I'd pull the trigger right now. Maybe I'll go have a bath... and maybe instead of losing 2.5 liters, I'll notch it up... make it 3, maybe 4. That would be pleasent.

I'm not even spiraling down like I normaly do anymore. Now I've just hit the ground.

If I had a gun I'd pull the trigger.

[SweetSue]

Hi Kara

lowper city stinks - big time.

I know that you probably dont want to hear this but, it would be best if you told your p/doc how your feeling. And if you feel your a danger to yourself call the hospital.

I agree with you dying is not easy, it is NOT the easy way out.

Sometimes living isnt the easy thing to do either.

But atleast living you have that chance of making things easier, a chance to get back on track. The option of making life worth living.

Dead, well thats it, your just dead, you cant change your mind and there is no return.

Whilst your breathing you have the chance to find hope, None of us know what the next day is going to bring, how do you know its always going to be like this. Tomorrow may just be the turning point, when things start to look brighter, more live - able.

Were here, listening and we do care.

please consider calling your doc.

[IrmaJean]

Hi Kara. My name is Beth. I'm so sorry you are feeling down right now. I agree with SweetSue that calling your doctor would be a good idea.

I remember you sharing that you are a caring person. It feels good to be caring, doesn't it? This is a gift that you may share with others and a gift you give to yourself by doing so.

Life can be a challenge sometimes and this can really suck. But one never knows what possibilities tomorrow might bring when you give living your life a chance.

I like to think of every human being as a light on this earth. Each person shines and glimmers in their own way and is equally valuable. When today we may be supporting you, tomorrow you very well may be supporting us. We're all on the journey together and need one another. We need you, Kara. I hope that you will share more of yourself with us.

I hope you feel better today. We care about you.

[David O]

Good morning Kara,

I read thru some of your posts yesterday and I was hoping that you would be able to jot down for us what the main issues are that you struggle with. It seems that sometimes you're in such pain and turmoil that all the issues crowd around you to the point that you're overwhelmed and immobilized, so you reach this point where, as you say, "if I had a gun,..." I think many of us have been here!

All you need to do is simply write down what your most significant concerns/issues are, the top 5-8 and then rate each one on a scale of 1 (low importance low impact) to 10 (extremely important, very difficult issue). This will help us understand better what your struggles are and may help you identify where your energy is going, where it's most needed, and what things you may be doing that are the "Devil's work (spinning your wheels)" and thus wasting necessary emotional and time energies.

Your list might look like this:

1) feel depressed- 9

2) Need to find work- 7

3) live at home with my parents- 5

4) have no money to see a professional- 8

Once you've done that we may be able to help you look at some of the issues differently and even offer tangible, workable, realistic and practical suggestions. Sometimes making an adjustment in one area can have an impact in several areas.

Good luck and I hope this will help,

David

[mscat]

Hi Kara,

I am very sorry you are feeling so low . I can relate to this personally, however. Been diagnosed with major, clinincal , depression, I wanted to do the same thing to myself. When reading your post I could of written it myself .

I like to suggest to you to go to your psych doc , or mental health specialist and allow them to help you . Things is, is that you have to reach out to others in order to help yourself, reaching out to professionals that can help you . If not, then being stuck , and wanting to die is not going to go away on its own... Be strong, my friend and fight these urges > Did u mena that you were going to Self injure ? writing the 2liters down and losing it ?

If that is what you ment could u claify this please. I know a lot about that issue as well .

Please try and be good to yourself when feeling so low. ANything to distract yourself , and cope with those feelings and emotions your having is better then ending your life> because their is no going back , after u are dead

:)

[Kara_Love]

Thank you for your support. I did slice last night, but only on my leg, and not enough to do permanant damage other than scarring.

Hm, A list?

1) Uncontrollable moods - 10

2) Anger at myself - 8

3) Having to hide emotions - 10

4) Demeaning social circle - 9

5) Unstable goals - 8

6) Horrible flashback dreams - 6

7) Bruises all over - 5

8) Having a hard time taking care of myself - 8

[David O]

Good morning Kara,

Thanks for the list-- very helpful. I realize this is all so difficult for you, the constant mood shifts, self injury, changing self image and perceptions, and so many other things that just seem to rob you of life.

Kara, many of us have regretted the day we recommended something at one level w/o considering what would happen at another, and the fact that you self cut makes this extremely complicated and requires great sensitivity and understanding on all of our parts-- especially mine right now.

Do you remember the prayer by Reinhold Neibuhr (the famous serenity prayer)?

God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things that I can;

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Based on the wisdom in this very short prayer, can you tell which of the things you mentioned, are controllable by you and which ones aren't? I imagine you can control your social circle, goals and how you take care of yourself-- is this right?

Can you talk about your social circle a little, how it may be causing you harm? Can you also talk about your goals, what they are and what keeps you from creating stable ones?

By the way, your homepage-- very well done and interesting.

David

[mscat]

Thank you for your support. I did slice last night, but only on my leg, and not enough to do permanant damage other than scarring.

Hm, A list?

1) Uncontrollable moods - 10

2) Anger at myself - 8

3) Having to hide emotions - 10

4) Demeaning social circle - 9

5) Unstable goals - 8

6) Horrible flashback dreams - 6

7) Bruises all over - 5

8) Having a hard time taking care of myself - 8

Hi Kara,

are you in therapy ? WIth extra support it always helps get through the most difficult times in our lives.

I am a SI'er too and have gone too far with it myself. If you need any support , I am here as well as ohter s to help you.

No ,matter how you SI it is still a way to cope with these strong emotions you have difficulty expressing and feeling. or your takiing it out on yourself , feeling like you deserve it.

You do not seserve to be hurt, Kara .

You have a support here , and understanding.

Cathy

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Kara,

I enthusiatically support Mscat's advice and her's is advice you can always trust. Yes, enter psychotherapy and there is no anti depressant like a dog that you love and that loves you.

Allan:)

[catsirish]

Whats with our minds, and how horrible we can feel, almost against our will:eek:

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Kara and Catsirish,

When depressed it is common to feel as though we have no control over anything. However, part of recovering from depression is learning that we really can take control. That is why psychotherapy is so very important. There is ever more evidence that psychotherapy works because it really helps people regain control over their emotions.

I urge you and anyone who is depressed to try psychotherapy either with or without anti depressants, as deemed necessary by you and your therapist.

Allan:)