right when i thought i had it figured out...

[nicole]

:confused: So earlier yesterday I was feeling quite refreshed and ready to start anew when something unexpected happened. I was about to go out to dinner when the other employee from work calls me to say that my grandmother had called me at work and it is an emergency. Despite the fact that my grandmother has been a long time drug abuser and a very unreliable source I called her back right away because I was still worried that maybe it was an emergency. So when I get ahold of her she sounds very emotional and tells me "I have to tell you something, it's about your mom." At first I was very worried when I heard that. Then she goes on to say that my mom is being tested for leukemia in two weeks. It's at this point that I'm not sure what to believe any more. It just feels like a very very sick plot to get me to call my mother. I couldn't believe that she would use something so serious like that as leverage. I'm really confused. Then she says that my mothers immune system is very low and that is why they are doing this test. Which sounds like it could be the truth. Every time I talk to my mother she is in the doctor for some thing. Like eating in the middle of the night, and these stomach problems, the bells palsy, and antidepressants. But even though she has all these problems she refuses to believe that habitual smoking of marijuana or smoking cigarettes or having a very poor diet is contributing to these problems. From what I understand all of those things can severely weaken the immune system. I feel like she is a hypochondriac and that she doesn't take the measures she should to try and be healthier but still expects me to pity her. Like she is some poor helpless diseased creature. But this is a serious thing, leukemia. I don't know why it was an emergency when she hasn't been tested and wont be for two weeks though. Then my grandmother starts asking me regular questions through a teary voice and I feel bad for her but I don't know what she wants from me or what I am supposed to do. I am tired of all of these dramatic episodes and drug addicts. I don't want to be a part of a family like that, but I am. They are the only family I have and even though I don't want to be around them I still care. Then my grandmother says "I just want you to know that I love you, for all the right things you do and all the WRONG things you do" with emphasis on that part "and I hope he makes you happy" I feel like she was trying to say that I should accept the wrong things that my family does if I love them. Then trying to blame my fiancee for my keeping myself distanced from the family. Either way at that point it seemed like her real reason for calling began to show and by that point I was very upset and very confused and I ended the phone call. I just didn't know what to think or if there was anything I should say. I still don't know where to start or stop this thing.

[Mark]

Well, There are two elements here: the possibility that your mother is seriously ill, and your upset over being dragged back into a family dynamic that you really don't like. In as much as you'd like to be a support for your mother, it does seem like it would be a good idea to call her and see if this rumor is true, and if there is anything you can do. If you feel really burned at your mother, though (and some people experience so much abuse from family members that that they really just don't want contact), then, you need to hang back and protect yourself. Only you know best what you need to do.

It seems that your concern over being dragged back into dysfunctional family relationships must be founded in something. There is probably a pattern that plays out time and again (at least that is what usually ends up happening). What does that pattern look like and how does it play out in your family? What is it that you are concerned about that will hurt you if you do reconnect with them?

Mark

[nicole]

I don't know if you had seen my previous post "how to deal with mom?" But that explains a lot of it. Basically most of my memories with my mother involved abuse and neglect of some sort which was on a daily basis. She would at other times attempt to mother us but it was in such a forceful way that it was very unpleasant usually. Like being the only mother standing there watching you at your senior picture day or something. Literally the only one. Or throwing birthday parties for us with tons of presents even though if you would ask for even five dollars the rest of the year we would never hear the end of it even if all we got was a handful of nickels and dimes or whatever loose change. Most of the time it was like living with a monster but she would still try to do "normal" things. Living with her was so emotionally crippling that even though I was a smart kid, testing in the top of the ninetieth percentile even through high school, I was failing many of my classes. Anytime she would do something for us it was always like, "just remember, you OWE me!" She would complain that we don't spend time or pay attention to her but whenever she got home her and my stepdad would go into their room immediately to go smoke weed and lock the door on us. Much of our conversation was yelling through that door unless she got mad and then she would come out. I would have liked to be able to spend time with her then, and talk like functional families do. But she only wanted to be around like when I had something I was looking forward to like my twenty first birthday. She made me feel so guilty that I wanted to spend that with my friends and not her. She always wanted to be there when I didn't need her, but when I did she was never there. Now that she knows I am having a baby she is trying to force her way into every aspect of my life. There is so much to say it is hard to explain in a couple paragraphs. But the pattern that I see between us lately is when my mother has an idea in her head of the way she wants things (regardless of who's decision it is or who's personal boundaries it crosses) she tries to force that ideal. If I am not okay with that then she becomes upset immediately. She will not accept any other option, she cries, blames people who are not involved, starts insulting me and bringing up irrelevant things. At that point of course when it seems there is no chance of reasoning with her, and she has said hurtful things about me and anyone she can think of that I care about, I am very upset. She refuses to respect my feelings and opinions on things even when it is something that should be my decision. Then she refuses to admit she has done anything wrong. She has caused much stress to me and anyone around me who has to listen to me cry about it. Most of the time I just deal with it. She either calls me after a couple weeks and pretends like nothing happened or tries to place the blame on someone or something else. A lot of the time I would end up accepting blame even though it really upset me that I was enabling this behavior. I was just tired of being upset and went for the temporary fix I guess. But I have gotten to a point in my life where these unhealthy habits and hurtful things wont just affect me anymore, because I am 4 months pregnant, 24 years old, and ready to start a family. I don't want my family to deal with that. After the last time this happened, and it was a serious issue to me, I started by writing a letter to her. I still have the letters in my e-mail if it helps, but they are lengthy. Anyway I got no where. So finally I gave her an ultimatum. All I asked was that she repect my feelings on these issues and stop with the verbal abuse. I am seriously concerned with the stress on the unborn baby, I just feel like if i feel it this bad the baby has to feel it a little. Either way I want this to stop. I told her that in my last letter of about four. She still has not responded. Then after almost a week thats when I get this phone call.

[nicole]

I guess what I am worried about currently is that I was just fine, doing better than I ever have and every time my mom decides to be a part of my life again she takes over. Takes over my ability to make my own decisions and if she cant have that then takes over my ability to be happy. She says whatever she can to me and other family members enough to where I spend every day just worrying and stressed about what to do or what will happen next. Even now I should be focusing on work but I am here because this will eat away at me until there is either a resolution or I can decide to let go. But I am also worried about the future. I am worried about letting her be around my family, especially the baby. I can't stand her to really even touch or hug me. She has a very aggressive way of dealing with things that she doesn't agree with and a very unhealthy lifestyle.

[kittenhugs]

I'm sorry you had to grow up like you did. My father was an abusive alcoholic and I'm torn between feelings of love and hate for him. You probably have similar feelings toward your mom. But you have to think about your own mental health and the well being of your child. You don't deserve to be abused and manipulated. I haven't spoken to my dad in over 6 months and I've decided I probably never will again. He still calls and wants contact with me. But we have to protect ourselves from harm.

[nicole]

It's really hard to not talk to my mom when it means I will have no contact even with the couple of family members I wish I did have more contact with. Like my younger cousin. He's 17 right now and I really wish he wasn't living with her because my mom and other family members are so verbally and mentally abusive and a really bad influence. Yet my cousin is still a pretty decent kid, but it seems like he has a problem with stealing and I know where he picked it up from. My Papa (my grandpa) was the only thing that kept me sane. I really think he saved my life, and I don't think I would be the person I am today if I didn't have him supporting me and setting an example. But my whole family all live on the same street. My mom contacted me again recently through an e-mail but anytime I tell her that I want her to acknowledge what she has done she doesn't respond. She waits a while and then tries to contact me again as if nothing ever happened. I don't understand why she is in such denial. I remember times where I would knock on her door and she would open it and talk to me while holding in a breath of marijuana smoke, but she still denies to this day that she has smoked it. I feel so disrespected by her lies. Whenever she does admit to something she tries to validate or justify it with some reason beyond her control. I reassure her every time that she tries to contact me that I do want her to be a part of my life and it hurts me that I don't have my family's support during this special time for me. But she refuses to admit to any wrong doings on her part. I demand that she respect my feelings for the first time I stand my ground and she'll have nothing to do with me. I don't want to give in to this again, I am so tired of this happening. I just want a healthy relationship or to be able to let go. I want to live for once.

[nicole]

It turns out that my mother does not have leukemia. Pretty much what I expected. It ended up that since I switched doctors for insurance reasons that they were giving me one last ultrasound. I waited on edge for my mother to come around and admit that what she said to me was hurtful and unnecessary but it never happened. So the day before the ultrasound I sent her a message telling her that I was still upset about how she had treated me but nevertheless she was invited to come along. I was trying to do the right thing by not letting her miss this milestone in her daughters life because of my resentment. However I now feel that I did the wrong thing. She came and she pretended like nothing happened. As if she knew that her loving daughter would finally come around and see that what she had said was not that bad. But it was bad. I was in pieces over it for weeks and that wound has still not healed. It never will because once again she will not even admit to her wrongs. And on top of that the whole playing with my emotions with that leukemia thing was very immature and sick really. I don't know what to do. She now expects me to just go on like everything is fine now even though I am still hurting and I am afraid to confront her again because she will probably become outraged and start thins whole thing over again.

[Mark]

So that is a very established family dynamic you are describing. Your mother has her ideal and shoves it down everyone's throat but doesn't experience it that way - she thinks she is being loving, while everyone around her feels like she is being controling and abusive. You want to find a way to keep her in your life without having to deal with her craziness. You also are still holding on to the idea that she will apologize to you for being controling and abusive; but that presupposes that she has 1) insight into her own behavior (which is perhaps not the case at all), and 2) feels guilty for acting this way (which also doesn't appear to be the case). So you are holding out for something that isn't going to happen with any probability. It's very understandable that you would want an apology from her for how she has been towards you, but since it seems that she is incapable of doing that and meaning it, I think it may be time for you to let go of that expectation. If she had a broken leg it would be unrealistic for you to expect her to walk, right? So it seems that she has a broken perception of social reality, and yet you are expecting her to have an intact perception of social reality (necessary for her to understand how she has hurt you). She is perhaps disordered (as in a personality disorder).

It's just a tough situation. It is wise counsel to keep your distance if she is inevitably otherwise going to be abusive towards you. But it is also quite human to want to be in touch with the rest of your family who comes with her. So you have to stake out a compromise position that you can live with, and it won't be easy at all.

I suggest you read up on assertiveness as you will need to learn how to defend yourself and holding your boundaries firm.

[Merits]

You've got to take care of yourself and your little family because you are the one that they rely on. Its a sad situation with your mother, however you dont need to be pulled into her mind games. Just take care of yourself, your child and your fiance and hopefully your little family will be much healthier without all of the drama.

[JustTrying]

I have many thoughts on this ... but perhaps I should leave it alone... I have a simular situation... but I am the Mother of a 25 yr old daughter. That turned her back on me,.... Was I perfect .. no I was in the grips of alcohol and biploar... she got tired of coming to the hospital or jail to get me... I never called her... she should have kept the scanner off... but what about all I did do for her? I was a good Mom, I did not drink often when she was young or even at home. I turned my back on my husbands wishes to take care of her and her kids when she couldn't take care of herself....... Really I was not abusive to her never have been.. she is more abusive to me. She was a good kid and didn't cause many problems growing up.

OHHHH BAH!

Gabby

[mrsdz]

The advice I am about to give is strictly based on a personal experience of mine that is somewhat similar. I had a strained relationship with my mother and 2 of my sisters. I distanced myself from the situation with them. I recieved a phone call that my dad was sick with pneumonia. I too thought it was a ploy to get me to come back around, so I waited to make the call. When I finally did, I found out it was true that my father was very sick. He passed away within a month or two after that. I still to this day regret not listening and having spent more time with my father due to the strained relationship with my mother and sister, that was over a decade ago. My mother and sisters also tried to tell me how to.. everything including that my boyfriend was no good for me and keeping me from them and so on. I have been married now for 13 years and have 3 kids with him, he is by far not as worthless as they tried to make me believe. I now have a close yet distant relationship with my mom and sisters. My one sister has apologized to me on two occasions since. I will admit the apology does not ease the mind games I went through on a daily basis with every aspect of my life they tried to control, not like I thought it would.

Since you cared enough to write a post concerning in detail what you went through, I may be wrong but it does tell me you do care about her and the other family members you mention. In my opinion I think you should make a call to see if what your grandmother says is true and take it from there. I would hate for you to have the same regret I have if it were to be true. If you want her in your life and decide to continue a relationship with her, I would suggest that you keep the private things private from her. When and if she says something that doesn't sit well with you, just say I have to go. I would refrain from any conversations about anything she has tried to control, such as your fiancee, finances, gossip, ect... Keep the calls about news, hobbies, movies, ect... Let her know when she tries to control you that it just isn't going to work anymore. This way you can have contact with her and your other loved ones.

I have come to the conclusion myself. That even though I do get irritated by the things said or done by my mother or sisters after all these years, I prefer to keep them close yet distant, than not to have them at all. The question is, Now that you have come to understand that your mother will not change and refused to make note of anything she has done, Would you be happier and willing to accept her as she is and set your own limitations or are you happier without her and the rest of your family in your life? As someone else posted on here, you are the only one who can answer. Do what you feel in your heart is right.

As I said before this is only based on my own experiences and opinions. I am not a doctor of any sort, just someone who can relate. I hope this helps

[Mark]

Gabby,

That sounds like a very painful situation.

Mark

[JustTrying]

Yeah Mark... but I cannot deal with that right now.... one day.. maybe...

I went and got on meds Thursday .... INVEGA..... and am trying not to drink.. that is all I can do right now...

Got insomnia tonight......

gonna go read some posts.....

Gabby