nearlydead Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 Whoever it was that said it doesnt hurt is a fecking liar. I ended up having to stay overnight, as they would not perform the op unless I did. I saw several different nurses, docs and surgeons, all of whom were very proffessional, I never once felt like they were laughing or being judgemental. Especially as the only person I saw twice was the nurse on the ward.I look a little like Frankenstiens monster. However my penis looks distended, is full of stitches around the corona, stings, and generally looks a bit battered. I have a load of pain killers which seem to be doing the job.When I awoke from surgery I was back on the ward. Feeling very sorry for myself, and starting with the punishing self talk that we all indulge in now and again. Then all of a sudden the guy next to me shit his self, nurses came in, closed the curtains and started cleaning the guy up. Initailly I was "get the smelly barsted away from me, shoot the poor fucker etc But then I started to think what it must of been like for the guy, humiliation, etc. Anyway it turns out the kid is waiting to die, he has some terrible muscle wasting disease, and at the age to 23, has been in hospital most of his life, and lived mostly in real pain. Who says theres a God?Although my own anger, pain, humiliation is very real and hurtful to me, compared to the utterly miserable life that poor sod has had, Im in clover.I know Im up and down like a rollercoaster, but this thing is really all about perspective. Thinking about that poor kid, I have to realise just how stupid I am for allowing myself to waste my life on such a tritivial thing. Even though writing that does'nt seem right.Thanks for all the support guys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 Ouch. I think every guy here can feel that, somehow.I had mine done when I was just a few days old. It was some sort of hygiene thing that was a fad at the time. That, and most days-old babies don't really understand what they're signing.Who says there isn't a God, or at least some "reason" we can't understand? Maybe that guy exists to remind the rest of us of our mortality, and that it's time to get on with it.You're right: perspective is everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recluse Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 sdfasdfasdfasdfsadfasdfasd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted February 27, 2010 Report Share Posted February 27, 2010 Glad you are back and feeling better, ND. We missed you. That is very sad about your roommate at the hospital. Empathy is a very valuable trait. Some women (such as myself) really admire this trait in a man.Hope the meds help with the pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nearlydead Posted February 27, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 27, 2010 Saw my new penis erect for the first time this morning. I wrote loads of stuff here then deleted it off. Basically all this is a waste.If Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted February 27, 2010 Report Share Posted February 27, 2010 It's yours. It's part of you. Why so hard on yourself? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
performer-uk Posted February 28, 2010 Report Share Posted February 28, 2010 Whoever it was that said it doesnt hurt is a fecking liar. I ended up having to stay overnight, as they would not perform the op unless I did. I saw several different nurses, docs and surgeons, all of whom were very proffessional, I never once felt like they were laughing or being judgemental. Especially as the only person I saw twice was the nurse on the ward.I look a little like Frankenstiens monster. However my penis looks distended, is full of stitches around the corona, stings, and generally looks a bit battered. I have a load of pain killers which seem to be doing the job.When I awoke from surgery I was back on the ward. Feeling very sorry for myself, and starting with the punishing self talk that we all indulge in now and again. Then all of a sudden the guy next to me shit his self, nurses came in, closed the curtains and started cleaning the guy up. Initailly I was "get the smelly barsted away from me, shoot the poor fucker etc But then I started to think what it must of been like for the guy, humiliation, etc. Anyway it turns out the kid is waiting to die, he has some terrible muscle wasting disease, and at the age to 23, has been in hospital most of his life, and lived mostly in real pain. Who says theres a God?Although my own anger, pain, humiliation is very real and hurtful to me, compared to the utterly miserable life that poor sod has had, Im in clover.I know Im up and down like a rollercoaster, but this thing is really all about perspective. Thinking about that poor kid, I have to realise just how stupid I am for allowing myself to waste my life on such a tritivial thing. Even though writing that does'nt seem right.Thanks for all the support guys.Apologies for asking - but what have you had done?And sometimes one feels a bit ungrateful when situations like that occur - seeing a fellow human in far worse a situation, and your own issues seeming to be trivial. I remember being in Africa (not even in the poorest diseased parts) and thinking "how can I honestly be worried what my bank balance was last week" - thing is though the phrase "its not what happens but how you deal with it" does cut both ways in a way. Be kind and realise even if the situation is nowehere near as bad in "real terms", you have suffered in yourself. I didnt explain that as well as I'd liked to.Either way, with the realistation you've had - perhaps a vital learning step? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mscat Posted March 1, 2010 Report Share Posted March 1, 2010 I am glad the operation is over for you . Hoping that now yuor life will be more fully enriched , and you can go on feeling better about yourself and who yuo are. It must of been a wake up call to have a roomate like this one who can't even get up to use the restroom . I hope things work out better for you and you will be happy . I truely do . Best wishes to you , Cathy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted March 1, 2010 Report Share Posted March 1, 2010 ND, how are you feeling? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nearlydead Posted March 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2010 Crap. Now I have no foreskin my glans look even smaller, even though the skin surrounding the corona is still swollen.Why does it matter so much to me? I've thought long and hard about that, and it comes down to shame, intense in the bones shame. I realise that shame is my emotion and that women I show myself to will respond in different ways, some will care, some will not care, who knows which, it is russian roulette.But I still have to live with the shame of women knowing I am small, of men knowing Im small, and worst of all, myself knowing I am small. I am reminded of it everytime I urinate, see it, touch it, feel it. I am also reminded every minute of the day that I cannot change it, and that it is mine for the rest of this shit life.I am 4"X4", circumcised, large scar to the right of my groin from the op to correct the undescended testicle. I have performance anxiety induced erectile failure. 45yrs old, fat, unfit, no assets, no job, no savings, no freinds, no family. I have lived as a total recluse for 10 years. Will my sexual potency improve with age? No.So at nearly 46 yrs of age, I have to start work again, build up assets, build up a new social circle, get fit, then date some women and get to a stage of fucking again. In 3,4,5, years I could get back to a point resembling my life of 10 years ago, by which time I will be 49/50. All of this I could do.But on top of all that I have to develop a mind set of bloody minded ignorance in order to dismiss everybody elses, and my own feelings about this fucking poxy thing. As well as putting aside the anger, guilt and shame of a life wasted on anger hate and shame. While at the same time, having the Faith and hope, that my life could be one worth living.When I weigh up the pro's Vs con's, the effort Vs reward, I come up short. for this reason I dont think anything I can do would be enough to convince me that my life could be happy.I keep coming back to one of Marks posts where he wrote something like "its not ideal, but I believe these men can carve out a happy life for themselves" I bet some doctor somewhere is saying the same thing about that poor sod who was laying in the bed next to me.At what point does the decission have to be made that its over, that the fight is not worth fighting anymore. You Americans are so lucky, if I had a gun here tonight I would be at least able to guarantee "Stop" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recluse Posted March 2, 2010 Report Share Posted March 2, 2010 sfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted March 2, 2010 Report Share Posted March 2, 2010 I really hate seeing you like this, ND. You are very honest and courageous in your expressions, though.ND, you are a great guy. I have seen that from getting to know you here on the boards. You can't get back time which has passed, this is true. But you can make the most of what is left. The world misses out with your being reclusive. This one part of your anatomy doesn't define your worth as a person. Maybe what it does is represent your fears of letting your light shine.You do have friends, ND, and people who care about you. If you can make friends here, you can make them elsewhere as well. Carpe diem, ND. Seize the day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nearlydead Posted March 3, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 I've trid writing this fucking post for an hor now.It boils done to this: Compromise or die.I dont seem to be able to compromise when looking at my fucking maggot penis, and I dont seem to be abel to compromise on what others may think or say about the fucking thing.I dont have the courgae for suicide because Im a fucking coward.I will take the shitty job in october and live untill I die, hoping for a car crash or disieae.Bollock's, all of it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted March 3, 2010 Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 Where is this renewed anger coming from, ND? Is it because of your new look? What is hurting so much? Maybe getting it out will help. But be gentle with yourself please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recluse Posted March 3, 2010 Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 sfsadfasdfasdfasdfasd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nearlydead Posted March 3, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 The new look is my glans look even smaller bothe erect and limp than before. This thing just keeps getting worse, and it can never get better.I've just been thinking that the most productive thing I can do is to develop a stratergy of being happy as a recluse.Do the poxy job in october, earn money, rent a bigger apartment, buy a big tv, an ipod, eat junk food, drive a better car, lie to people about my past and what I do at weekends, forget about having a woman and sex forever, this way no one will ever know about my maggot and impotence, I can handle any other teasing about being a loner, a recluse, a loser, whatever. But no one will ever know I am a cunt. I also dont have to go through the humiliation of exposure or impotence with a women ever again. Only I will know the truth of my carcass.I cannot be happy as a sexual being, those years are nearly over anyway. I cannot risk the exposure of being a socail being, so will chose lonelyness, thats no problem I've done it for 10 years.As I dont have the balls for suicide I will live like this hoping for death or the courage to do the right thing.This is a far more attainable solution, than conning myself into thinking that my penis does not matter to me or anybody else, even when they are humiliating me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted March 3, 2010 Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 It really isn't any different, ND. You just had the foreskin removed. It's the same. You are the same. Only now you're perceiving it as different. Please don't hurt yourself. You're reinforcing these negative feelings by all of the critical self-talk as well. Those words are painful.Why, in your mind, is it so attached to who you are as person? Did you ever come to understand this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nearlydead Posted March 3, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 I've had my forskin removed, it is now smaller, it is only milimeters smaller but when you are my size every milimetre counts. The appearance of my exposed glans is now smaller. this may only be my perception, but that is me. It looks like Frankenstiens little thumb.Why, in your mind, is it so attached to who you are as person? Did you ever come to understand this? I am a man with a small penis. I have felt shame over it for 30 years, I am impotent, I have felf shame over that for since I was 23. I have allowed it to ruin my life. Im tired of this life, I have not enjoyed any of it, because I cannot forgive myself for being deformed. Why does it matter so much? I dont understand it to the point where I can ever live with it amicably, obviously it is a fault in my character. Im tired of fighting this feeling, of wanting things I cannot have. It makes much more sense to get the job, buy myself stuff and accept that I cannot have sex ever again. I have rebuilt my life twice due Twice due to this situation. The mistake I made both times was to have sex and expose myself as small and impotent, giving others the opportunitie to humiliate me, and for myself to feel feeling of inadequancy and humiliation.The positive self talk, hynotism, CBT, thinking differently have all been in a vain attempt to convince myself that size matters to no one. Its as stupid as the "Emperor and his new clothes" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recluse Posted March 3, 2010 Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 sdfasdfasdfasdfasdf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted March 3, 2010 Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 But it's not a deformity, ND. It's you. You don't see me as any less of a woman because I have nerve damage, do you?Guys, take a deep breath and try and regroup. The two of you feed off of the others attitude. You can get back out of this place. Keep fighting. I'm here with you. Stay with me. I swear up and down I don't care about a man's size.I wanted to edit this because I remember something you'd mentioned before, ND. You have said that once you get into this negative pattern of thinking, it pulls you in and gets worse and worse. Try and stop it right now before it takes hold. Start using the skills you've acquired to put this stuff to a halt. You can do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sam2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Report Share Posted March 4, 2010 ND- Hi. I've been reading a lot of the posts in this topic. I am new to thinking about it, but I have very emotional interactions while reading. I'm a girl, so I can't totally understand how it feels to find my genitals inadequate, both by societal and personal standards (.. although sometimes when having sex I do just feel like a hole, but that's a different story!)I guess I just want to say that you, as a person, are greater than the sum of your parts. You are an organic being. Your value cannot be compared to anyone or anything else's; you, as a person, can't be measured. We measure things to try to understand and control them. We classify things. And then we judge things based on these classifications. (case in point: penis size). But you, and the lovely penis that's attached to you, can't really be measured! You're an organic whole! And I know you don't feel it, but I'm sure you (and you too, Recluse) are beautiful in and of yourself. And if you are open to it, if you don't completely close yourself off from other people, others will see you and they'll know it too. And, there are women who not only wouldn't "mind" being with a man with a small penis, but who would like it. And I know they exist because pretty much any interest you can think of exists! (And I myself would find it very sexy if such a man were to want to share himself with me). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sam2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Report Share Posted March 4, 2010 Oh, and Recluse-If you do end up going to Thailand.. please be aware that many if not most of the sex workers there are not working voluntarily. A lot of them are very underage. Sex slavery is a big deal in Thailand (and all over the world, sadly). I've seen documentaries on young young girls in Thailand forced to work as prostitutes (we're talking 7, 8, 9, etc.), and who are primarily sold to Westerners. As a feminist/humanist, I would hope that you could avoid this situation altogether, but if you do go, try to have sex ethically. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recluse Posted March 4, 2010 Report Share Posted March 4, 2010 adsfadsfa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted March 4, 2010 Report Share Posted March 4, 2010 I hope you are feeling better today, ND. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nearlydead Posted March 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2010 you, as a person, are greater than the sum of your parts. You are an organic being. Your value cannot be compared to anyone or anything else's; you, as a person, can't be measured. We measure things to try to understand and control them. We classify things. And then we judge things based on these classifications. (case in point: penis size). But you, and the lovely penis that's attached to you, can't really be measured! You're an organic whole!Erm I'm 5'10 230lbs 4"X4" no assets with a low IQ. Measurements by which I am judged.You missed out some other common cliche's such as "we are all unique beings", "you are an ethereal light" "you are stardust and light" "the universe loves you" "may the force be with you" etcI dont want to be rude because you are trying to help, but this flowery waffle means nothing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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