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Oh, I dont know anything thats for the best anymore


SweetSue
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Im trapped in an isolated world, a world that only consists of "Them", "Voices" and "Vultures".

"Them" are trying, really trying to keep me going, trying to help me, have to somehow remember that. Stop fighting with "Them", against "Them". Just so hard coz "Them" make it so infuriatingly difficult to want to. "Them" have hurt me too much. "Them" see things differently to me. Its like "Them" are from another world, one that is so different from the world that Im trapped in.

"Vioces" undermining me, constantly at war with me, hurting, making me so damn upset with me. Informing me in such a way that I have no hope but to believe their words. The insults, ever flowing, the instructions, I know I have to obey, because there is no choice anymore, too loud, too harsh, too damn hard to ignore. I find myself respecting what I hear, agreeing whole heartedly. Not long to go now, not long to go, NOT LONG TO GO. Knowing, understanding the point of view, my oppinions and thoughts over ruled, and have now been swayed. Soon, just oh so soon. "Voices" are telling me. I have no option anymore but to listen, they speak the truth. The truth is all there is.

"Vultures" always here, sometimes they remain in the shadows, but they never leavemy side. "Vultures" stay, to make sure I dont forget, constantly remind me, of fear and taste of smell. "Vultures" waiting for me to join the realm they exist in, so they can finish or continue their work. Surely leaving to be with them is better, let their ways do their worse, and get it over with.

I just dont know whats best anymore, cant stay like this with "Them".

"Voices" are not letting up till I do as they insist, and then I cant do it right, and its never enough anyway. Maybe this time will be the last."Vultures" just lurking, for when this "waiting game" of mine is finally over.

All I can reply to "Them", "Voices" and "Vultures" is quite simply.......

I CANT DO THIS.

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Sue

I'm sorry if my reply is ill-informed.

Does the medication not help at all with the voices?

I know in my case, the thoughts and voices are my own, and I am working hard with my therapist to counter them.

At the moment because I am going through a very stressful situation at home my violent thoughts are to the fore. However my psychologist is encouraging me to consider reducing my medication. He is confident that I have the skills now to tackle them on my own.

I just feel so helpless watching you struggle so much.:)

Take care

Goose

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No, you cannot continue to do this, cannot continue on this path of believing these things:( Way back when you were too young to know anything different you constructed a logic around all this, doing the best you could:(:) You and your sister were wayyyy too alone amongst sick people, wayyyyy too abused, wayyyy too young. Is there any way you can see that and forgive yourself, keeping it that simple?

The young John Keats, dying of tuberculosis, wrote:

Beauty is Truth, Truth Beauty--

That is all you know on earth,

and all you need to know.

The voices do not have it right. They are not the truth, because there is no beauty in what they declare.

Sue, you have shown us so much of your beautiful soul, time and time again here on these threads and in the blogs. Tears stream my face so many times listening to your words and to your heart.

Here in this profound wound, in this place of horrid pain, you have a disconnect....you don't allow your heart and beautiful soul in, because of the horrid mirroring and parenting and abuse that twisted you to believe you must be punished and denied instead. It is too hard to be a tiny voice overpowered by such extreme, loud hatred and condemnation.:) I know this is too hard for you. But as long as you are here amongst your friends, we will continue to see that little one and fight for her, and we continue to see you and your beautiful soul that outshines it all, even in times like now, when you can't see any of that yourself. We believe in you Sue.

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Sweetsue,

Are u on meds that help you control the voices ? Do the DR's know that you hear them and fight them all the time ? If not then talk to your Pdoc . Their are many antipsychotics out there that are especially for haluncitions .

I take Abilify for the voices I hear . AND what strikes me as a bit scary is that I too have a "very evil" Bird in my life that tortures the hell out of me. MIne is a Egale , with large sharp talons .

Your not alone , do not listen to these voices , get help for them so they can go away and are quieted .

I get so worried about you because you have been through more then anybody human being should, BUT, I know that you are a survivior and a tough woman . You will make it through this hurdle . BE stronf and honest about these relentless voices.

You are not alone either about that.

take care of yourself , Sue.

mscat

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Hi Sue, wish we could all come and give you a hug (((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))

none of my words right now could help take away your pain, but my hopes for you not have any pain is soooooo real......

I think about you a lot even as I was in the hospital I was wondering and hoping you were ok and they were getting you to the pool laying in the lounger and eating the chocolate cake that we torchered ourselves with a few weeks ago on our blogs.

Well at the hospital I had carrot cake that we all smuggled back to our unit from the cafeteria and although it wasn't chocolate cake, I was thinking and hoping you were getting some cake from smallstar.....

So pm please:)

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Thankyou for all the kind replies. Things are just real hard for me. Yes Im recieving professional help, and its apprieciated, its just not working. Really want to kiss this world goodbye. Coz well I cant do this, be like this, its not me. Im not me. Never going to be the me I once knew, ever again. its really hard to post as well I dont like publishing how much Im screwed. I prefere to hide away, but I've been asked by a friend on here not too, so Im trying, trying real hard, not to say goodbye.

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I perfer you NOT to hide away either . I'll I can ofer is words of encouragement . And that you are extrrememly valuable human being. Very sweet and caring, and life has not been easy for you .

Please stay with us SweetSue , you have tremendous insight for others who are in pain , even though you are suffering a great deal . This says something about how strong you really are as a person. YOU have so much to offer others , and I apreciate all your kind words you have given me in the past.

Cathy

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Kinda struggling to keep with it today. Probably just burnout, from a hectic week. Just feeling disheartened I guess. This week is a sad week for many reasons, just one too many not so subtle reminders that things hurt. Need to switch off, my head is exploding, too many thoughts. all of them ripping open old wounds. So tempted to say to hell with it, and just give up.

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Come on Sue, fight!!! Don't confuse being tired with feeling down. You said you had a hectic week. Whether it was mentally or physically hard it's ok you have gone through a lot and one step at a time.... Please don't overload yourself and give yourself some time to adjust and time to heal. Make a list, contact some local friends or make some new ones. We all talk about support groups, can you find some near you that you can go to? Keep yourself busy and productive and fight these demons!!! :)

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