Don't have any idea what to title this...

[JaneE]

My son is 10, and I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. I don't know if this affects my son per se, I mean, I'm sure it does to some extent, but I think what affects him more is the dysfunctional relationship of his parents.

When we (my son and I) get into little disagreements with each other, he's often defensive and angry, and feels "insulted" when I haven't said anything insulting, merely tried to point out behavior that will get him in trouble with people later. And believe me I should know something about it?

He's been "trained" to not take me seriously, though... if I have a legitimate grievance of some sort, his father is as often as not likely to brush it off to my son as "oh Jane is in a bad mood today because she has to ..." He never calls me "your mother" or "your mom" to my son but always by my name. I once told him how I felt he was trying to marginalize me (my role) by doing this, but he claimed that he was raised to believe it was bad manners (he's from the American South) to call people by anything but their first names. Personally I think that's hogwash, and a "divide and conquer" tactic. My concerns are always brushed aside like this.

My kid is smart and a good kid, but he will not do anything I ask him to. Just getting him to brush his teeth is a big fight every evening. He wants me to do it FOR him. This is a ten year old????! I compare with myself at 10 (or even younger) I did *everything* for myself at this age!!! I was a latchkey kid and alone without adults for so much of my childhood, it's appalling to me what a big baby my son is. His father encourages dependence because he thinks it's part of "attachment" parenting. My family is completely unattached, so de facto everything I think about child-rearing is wrong. >_<

It makes me wonder WTF AM I DOING HERE? What good am I?? If he wants complete control of our son maybe I should just leave and leave them alone together and give up? What good can I possibly be doing here as things are?

He was married before and raised a daughter. When the daughter was 12 he left his wife, and a tug-of-war for the daughter's affections ensued that I believe my husband is still playing out with our son. I think it's rather sick and unhealthy, but I don't know what I can do about it, he completely denies everything. My tactic is to be as non-threatening as possible, but what good does it do me? I do stand up when I think things are really bad, but I don't know if I see any results for my pains.

My husband never supports me or defends me to my son, or very very rarely, and sometimes I must *demand* that he back me up. This to me seems an extremely elemental part of co-parenting... a "united front". But I don't have that in my life, and so the family dynamic feels very unbalanced.

Argh! I don't know why I'm posting this here, or what I should title it as.

Jane

[Sweetmom2]

Its a sugg. Dont give up! Kids always look to both parents. Ull be amazed how kids see their parents. Remember to show and tell ur kid you love him, cuz love always wins. U cant control ppl, only yourself. Kids shouldnt be the rope betw parents, it hurts when both parents pull against each other. Encourage, reward, spend time, be mommy. Ps i speak out of own experience. My hub is also controling and perfectionistic. Love is a powerful tool

[mscat]

Hi there,

I agree with you ! your ten yr old boy needs to be doing so much more for himself . Your husband actually needs to realise that allowing him to be treated like this is decreasing his developmental skills . I would tell your husband this . Moat to 10 yr old have small chores to do around the home. He is perfectly capable of doing so much more.

Your husband is direspecting you as your childs mother. Your are correct, both of you need to be on the same page as to how you two as his parents ar egoing to raise your own child, but letting him get away with acting helpless , your son is not good for him. it is also teaching hij that he has to depend on others for taking care of him.

mscat

[JaneE]

Thanks you guys!

It's not always so bad, but sometimes I get so frustrated with things. I think to some extent I'm being paranoid or maybe even a bit jealous, but other times I think I'm perfectly justified in how I'm feeling. With my personality disorder I can never be sure that what I'm thinking or feeling is right. What it truly comes down to is I want what's best for my son, the rest is of lesser importance. I want him to be strong and forward-going enough to accomplish all he would wish for in life... not spoiled and lazy.

Sweetmom2 you have it right! Just be loving, first and foremost!

Mscat, I hadn't thought about the chores thing... I think he's more than old enough for small responsibilities around the house, I will discuss this with hubby when we're in a good place to talk. Thank you for the idea! It's possible that they grow up so fast we don't realize they're capable young people!

I wish my husband could be more "with" me on things in general, but I do feel he's doing his best for the most part, and that's what counts. I complain a lot about him on here... my frustrations in dealing with him and his own shortcomings. I know he could as easily come here and complain about me, but he's never been diagnosed with any mental problems, haha! Not that I think he's 100% free of them (is anyone really? sometimes I wonder) so at least he has the luxury of trusting himself and believing he's right. lol

Thanks again!

[JaneE]

Thanks you guys!

It's not always so bad, but sometimes I get so frustrated with things. I think to some extent I'm being paranoid or maybe even a bit jealous, but other times I think I'm perfectly justified in how I'm feeling. With my personality disorder I can never be sure that what I'm thinking or feeling is right. What it truly comes down to is I want what's best for my son, the rest is of lesser importance. I want him to be strong and forward-going enough to accomplish all he would wish for in life... not spoiled and lazy and dependent.

Sweetmom2 you have it right! Just be loving, first and foremost!

Mscat, I hadn't thought about the chores thing... I think he's more than old enough for small responsibilities around the house, I will discuss this with hubby when we're in a good place to talk. Thank you for the idea! It's possible that they grow up so fast we don't realize they're capable young people in time!

I wish my husband could be more "with" me on things in general, but I do feel he's doing his best for the most part, and that's what counts. I complain a lot about him on here... my frustrations in dealing with him and his own shortcomings. I know he could as easily come here and complain about me, but he's never been diagnosed with any mental problems, haha! Not that I think he's 100% free of them (is anyone really? sometimes I wonder) so at least he has the luxury of trusting himself and believing he's right. lol

Thanks again!

[Lindamomof7]

Hi JaneE,

Kids can be difficult, I know I have 7. But I have to say my husband is just as involved as I am with the kids especially with my illness. From what I hear you saying, you do not have your husbands support or he is but it is different then yours? Then to me it sounds like that is where you have to start. Your son will never listen to you because he sees that you and your husband are not insinc with each other so he is learning that conflict is good and normal.

I would try to get your husband together and start to set up some guidelines in the house and for the sake of your son who really isn't a teenager yet (UGH) there should be a behavioral plan set up so your son sees both of you united in parenting him. Hopefully by the mid teen years he will have the ability to follow and adhere to being told no and doing things he doesn't want to do.

I have an autistic son who is 13 and with the much appreciated help from David O, we are setting up an allowance plan that Peter literally has to earn and pay for everything from his $13 he earns every week.

Sometimes kids take advantage of the fact they can get and do anything they want and they will have a rude awakening when they become young adults when these skills of chores, responsibility etc aren't learned. And that is our job as parentseven though we go through these rough patches with natural defiant behavior.

So I hope you all can accept a plan that works for ALL of you and please don't blame your illness and neither should anyone else...

Hope this helps a little for you..No one said parenting was easy!!!